


How did we get here?

by justeruriforever



Category: Attack on Titan, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Bottom Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Cock Slut, Cruising, Drunk Sex, Escort Service, Explicit Sexual Content, Extremely Dubious Consent, F/M, Falling In Love, Flirting, Fluff and Smut, Friendship/Love, Frottage, Kissing, M/M, Masturbation, Mental Anguish, Modern Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Obessive thoughts, One Night Stands, Porn, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Public Sex, Rape/Non-con Elements, References to Addiction, Sex Club, Sexual Chemistry, Sexual Dominance, Shame, Slow Burn, Smut, Taxis, Therapy, Top Erwin Smith, eruri - Freeform, eruri endgame, implied prostitution
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-04-08 01:38:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 30
Words: 98,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14094210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justeruriforever/pseuds/justeruriforever
Summary: Erwin Smith, boss of Titan Taxi's picks up an enigmatic, and rather moody passenger - Levi Ackerman.He's quickly smitten - but Levi is newly single, confused, and not exactly ready to enter a new relationship.Cue angst.Levi uses Erwin for causal sex, and teases him whenever the opportunity arises, but Erwin needs more.Erwin proceeds to be driven to distraction by Levi's verocious sexual appetite, and then he finally snaps, and exerts his dominance over Levi.Erwin is left broken, feeling utterly shameful.  Levi is left confused, and looks in all the wrong places for the resolution he so sorely needs.The spark of attraction between the two men doesn't ever look like it'll be rekindled, until good friends start to intervene.





	1. the pick-up

A sleek, black BMW pulled slowly alongside the kerb-edge and the passenger window lowered – “taxi for Levi?” the driver, Erwin, enquired. “Yeah!” the diminutive, raven-haired man huffed in reply, pausing briefly to finish his cigarette whilst leaning casually against a post-box. Moments later Levi flicked his cigarette butt onto the pavement and purposefully walked towards the taxi. He pulled open the passenger door and slid coolly onto the soft leather seat. 

“Sina Apartments – I hope you don’t need directions” he said abruptly, yanking on his seatbelt whilst holding Erwin’s glaze with a flat stare. Erwin chuckled, internally, but didn’t feel the need to reply, he was used to pushy passengers. Instead he rolled the vehicle steadily off the kerb, indicating to join the steady flow of inner-city traffic, glancing briefly in his rear-view mirror before edging away.  
Levi broke the momentary silence enquiring “you’re new aren’t you? Haven’t seen you before.” There was a slight scent of clove as he spoke, clearly residual from his cigarette. Erwin didn’t find it unpleasant, he breathed evenly before replying. “I’ve recently swapped from day to night shifts” he said, easing the BMW slowly into the flow of traffic, sliding easily and confidently up the gears, and quickly stealing a quick glance at his enigmatic passenger. 

This wasn’t the straight truth, Erwin was the boss of Titan Taxis with no financial need to work shifts and chase fares, but recently he’d felt restless, bored even, and had found himself craving the brief encounters that came with taxing. If he was totally honest about his feelings, he’d admit he was lonely. Erwin frowned, unsettled by his minor ‘white lie’, it just wasn’t his style. Mentally, he quickly composed a follow-up explanation in an attempt to appease his slight (and frankly out-of-character) dishonesty – “I recently split from a long term relationship.” This wasn’t a lie. “So I have no-one to moan about me working all night, and sleeping all day.” “If you say so!” Levi replied in a flat tone, pausing for a heart-beat, his head turned out towards the side window. 

“And how’s that working out for you?” Erwin sensed Levi shift on the leather seat to look directly at him. Without meeting his gaze, opting to keep his eyes on the road ahead, though feeling Levi’s intense stare beginning to prickle the hair on his neck, Erwin quickly replied – “Night shifts? Great actually! Well it’s more money anyhow.” Levi scoffed “Tsk! No idiot. I meant being single?” Levi’s eyes flickered. His enquiring stare, together with his candid question flushed Erwin’s cheeks, though he fought hard to keep his eyes straight-ahead.

“I only ask as tonight I’ve found myself in the same fucking camp!” A pause. “Single” Another scoff – “and fancy free!” Before Erwin could compose a reply Levi continued, seemingly on a roll. “Can’t say a give a fuck!” The urban sprawl of the Rosa District, lit brightly by street-lights and neon-signs as dusk fell, flashed by, and a brief silence filled the taxi. 

“Bastard!” Levi muttered through gritted teeth, huffing and crossing his arms in a defensive pose. Erwin held his breath, as the taxi idled at a red light, he expected Levi to speak again, but the palpable silence returned. Erwin dared to glance sideways at his passenger, using the passing seconds whilst paused at the red light to take in Levi – his glossy black hair, compact facial profile, slight frame and slim legs. Levi had adopted a glazed expression, staring past Erwin, his mind evidently focused elsewhere. 

Erwin thought hard about how to respond to his passenger’s unexpected honesty, as he rolled the car forward as the traffic lights changed to green. How was he supposed to respond to this short, disgruntled, ‘newly jilted’ young man? He bit his lip, fighting the urge to respond with mere platitudes. “Things happen for a reason.” He finally replied, shrugging almost imperceivabley. “Bollocks!” Levi chuffed in response. Arms still tightly closed around him. Silence filled the taxi again, feeling a little more awkward this time. Erwin concentrated on the drive to Sina Apartments, mentally calculating the quickest route from his current location. He kept his eyes fixed on the road, fearful to say anything more, but he could sense the anger radiating from his passenger. Levi shuffled, clearly agitated, crossing and uncrossing his arms, drawing his thighs up to his chest and then, finally settling deeply into the leather seat. Minutes passed in silence, though they felt like hours. The purposeful movement of the car, seemed to help lull the passenger and assuage the tense atmosphere somewhat.

“Oh fuck!” Levi’s harsh proclamation broke the silence and with it, the temporary calm. This caused Erwin to jolt in his seat. “What?” He replied, sharply braking the taxi hard. Fortunately he’d turned onto a quiet side-road, a mile or so away from Levi’s destination, no other vehicles in sight. “Fuck!” Levi repeated, groaning and holding his shaking head in his small hands. “I’ve just realised I’m gonna have to clear out all my stuff from the bastard’s apartment before he gets back from his work trip!” The last two words were spat out, Levi’s tone tainted with pure vitriol. Erwin’s eyebrows raised, though he felt too scared to respond immediately to the evident implication of Levi’s statement. His pounding heart eased slightly though, enough that he set-forth the taxi on its way again, maintaining a slower speed this time so he could glace back-and-forth between Levi and the road. 

“When’s he back?” Erwin enquired, tentatively. “The day after tomorrow!” Levi groaned again. “Fuck!” He slapped his forehead with significant force. Erwin felt compelled to ease his distress. “I’ve got a van, should you need any help” Erwin said softly, avoiding eye contact with his spikey passenger. Erwin immediately felt uncertain why he was being so amenable to a guy who was exhibiting all the signs of being an emotional wreck. Levi didn’t respond, opting to keep his head cradled in his arms, clearly hoping his current predicament would just go the fuck away! Not wanting to push his offer too much Erwin followed up by saying “Look, just call the office if you need help and leave a message for Erwin, Erwin Smith.” “I’m more than happy to help a fellow singleton out.” Erwin turned the taxi smoothly into the drop-off space outside the Sina Apartments, and rolled to a stop. Cursing himself for his last, flippant comment.

Levi sat bolt upright when he realised they’d arrived at his destination. He offered Erwin a dull, unreadable stare. “How much do I owe you … Erwin?” he said, flatly. “Call it £7.50” Erwin chirped in reply, after quickly checking his meter. Levi lifted himself off the leather seat to feel in his back jean pocket. “God those jeans are TIGHT” – Erwin thought, feeling a slight stirring in his groin. Levi pulled out a tenner, and handed it to Erwin. “Keep the change” Levi said as he unclipped his seatbelt, and opened the passenger door. He shifted briefly to offer Erwin a second, equally unreadable glance, then he was up and out of the taxi, slamming the passenger door shut and stomping off towards the apartment entrance. 

Erwin eased the taxi away from the drop-off point, shaking his head gently. Wow! His thoughts swam with sensations that were long overdue and hard quell. “What just happened?” he mused to himself. Erwin shifted on his seat to accommodate the evident tightness in his trousers. “Fuck!” He continued to shake his head he left the apartment complex and headed back to the taxi office for his next fare, uncertain as regards what exact part of that odd encounter had made him feel so aroused. 

By the time his shift ended at around 4am Erwin remained over-awed with thoughts of his enigma passenger, Levi – but still equally unclear as to why. Erwin unlocked the door to his apartment, shrugging off his jacket and laying it on the sofa, as he headed straight for the bathroom. Flicking on the light, he turned on the shower and slipped off his clothes, throwing them in the laundry hamper in the corner of the room. Stepping into the shower he re-played the encounter in his head. Levi: short, ill-tempered, but hot! He visualised him slumped on the soft leather seats in his car - bemoaning his single-status. He was gay, and had a mighty, tight ass – but so bloody moody. Exactly what was it about this assortment of characteristics that had drawn Erwin in? For god sake, he’d offered to help him move from his ex’s apartment – why?? He dug deep, but found no clear explanation.

Soaping his tired body in the heat of the shower Erwin felt his groin stir again. It had sure been a fair while since he had been so turned on by thoughts of a ‘real-person’, a real tangible face to put to his fantasies - other than an over-used porn-star or an invented construct of his ideal partner. It typically took some effort to get aroused by either of the latter options. Tipping his head back and tugging hard and rough on his erect cock, Erwin knew tonight there would be a face, albeit an incredibly sullen one, that would plague his thoughts and bring him to a satisfactory completion. 

Maybe spending the odd night taxiing wasn’t such a bad idea…


	2. the breakup (Levi’s POV)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is short explanation about Levi's breakup in this chapter, and then it explores his POV of his first encounter with Erwin.  
> Hope this doesn't seem too repetitive, the story will not always present both Erwin's and Levi's POV, but as a means of establishing the characters I felt this was necessary for the first two chapters.

Levi was becoming agitated, he’d been waiting at least 15 minutes for his Titan Taxi, and in that time had managed to smoke 2 cigarettes, and was just lighting his third. He was headed to his sister’s apartment – an anticipative sanctuary from his shit situation. 

Levi had stopped by the Rose Bar for a quick drink after work. He’d felt no need to rush home. Farlan, his boyfriend was on a work trip – or so he’d thought. Farlan had been away for 5 days, 4 nights and had only managed to call Levi once in that time, followed up with a handful of generic texts – about the weather, the hotel, his work. Behaviour, Levi had noted was particularly unlike him, but he’d chosen to shrug off any doubts. Levi had maintained a relationship with Farlan for over 3 years, and if he was honest one of the main reasons was Farlan’s attentiveness. (Of course it helped that he was a great fuck too – satisfying Levi’s rampant libido, without any complaint.)

\- - - 

Ordering a scotch on the rocks Levi sighed, it had been a long, frustrating day and blowing off a bit of steam with a drink, or two, was exactly was he needed. As he perched on a barstool, pausing briefly to brush the rough, cracked leatherette first, to ensure it was clean, his phone rang. Taking his phone out of his jeans pocket Levi saw it was a Facetime call from Farlan: he promptly accepted the call and the sight of his tall, fair-haired lover filled the phone’s screen.

“Hi you” Levi said gently. “How’s the trip going?” Levi mentally praised himself for remembering to show such an interest in his partner’s work. “Good…yeah”. “..Erm…look Levi, there’s something I need to talk to you about.” Farlan seemed hesitant, and he lowered his eyes, failing to hold Levi’s gaze. “Ok, shoot!” Levi replied, trying to stay upbeat, avoiding adopting his usual dead-pan tone, though for some reason his stomach sank. Farlan paused, a deep flush crept up from his neck. He was bare from the waist-up hair damp, his fringe handing loosely over his face. Levi suspected he’d just stepped out of the shower to Facetime him. Levi studied Farlan closely, and noted how he kept opening his mouth to speak but failing. The slight frown on his mouth, and the shallow furrow of his brow indicated he was probably mentally composing himself, ready to get something off his chest. 

Levi continued to stare at the screen, patiently at first, avoiding showing any outward emotion on his face. Momentarily Levi’s eyes strayed to a flicker, a shadow, a slight sense of movement over Farlan’s left shoulder, which was gone within seconds and left Levi puzzled. The silence continued for a few heartbeats, and Levi felt irritation bubble to the surface. “Cat got your tongue?” Levi barked, breaking the uncomfortable silence, he could only stay patient for so long. Farlan flashed him a false smile, raising his eyes to hold his gaze, the smile quickly morphing into a kind-of-grimace. A heartbeat, a pause “I’ve met someone else Levi” Farlan blurted out. Farlan then glanced over to his left, so fleetingly Levi almost missed it. His face turned an awkward shade of red and he cast his eyes down again refusing to hold Levi’s emotionless stare. “I’m sorry” He whispered, he words holding the weight of shame.

“Who?” Levi hissed through gritted teeth, anger flashing in his eyes, betraying his emotionless expression. “No wait. You know what? I don’t think I want to know – knowing who won’t change a thing – will it?” Levi collected himself, realising his rather public surroundings, and decided it would be for the best if he just ended the conversation there and then. So he did. He thrust his phone back into his pocket, and with a shaking hand he gripped the rim of his scotch glass, tipping it to his mouth and draining it in one, burning gulp. Nodding his head towards the barman, who was leaning casually against the bar – “another one!” Levi said, in a rather demanding tone. He lifted his empty glass and shook it in an inpatient manner, hoping to get his request across. “Make it a double!” he added. He knew he wasn’t going to get hammered, Farlan wasn’t worth embarrassing himself and losing his shit over. But he did need something to dull his overwrought emotions.  
Levi’s hard stare followed the slow movements of the barman, who was sloping towards the optics at the back of the bar, with a squat tumbler full of ice in his hand – carefully drawing two shots, and turning to bring the glass over to Levi. Levi just nodded as he accepted the drink, fearful any attempt to form words of gratitude would turn to ash in his mouth. He sank the double scotch in one mouthful, pausing briefly to relish the burn once more. 

“What’s the damage?” he asked the barman, unseating himself from the barstool and reaching into his back-pocket for his money. “£9.60” the barman replied, ringing up the three scotches into his till and proceeding towards Levi to accept payment. Levi tossed a tenner at the barman, turned and swiftly exited the bar. 

He had the sense to order a taxi once outside, and as soon as he’d disconnected the call to Titan Taxis he eased a cigarette pack and lighter from his pocket. Tapping out a cigarette out and quickly lighting it, trying to establish some semblance of calm, as he leaned against a post-box to wait to be picked-up.

\- - -

Halfway through his 3rd cigarette, Levi noted a brand-spanking new, and rather flashy BMW, baring the Titan Taxi livery pulling alongside the kerb-edge in front of him. He watched the driver roll down the passenger window and heard his name being called. “About fucking time!” he muttered under his breath, though to make his point he consciously slowed, deliberately stalling the driver by finishing his cigarette, before flicking the used butt to the floor and sidling towards the taxi, opening the passenger door.

The fresh smell of the BMW’s interior hit Levi as he slid onto the leather seat – he took a minute to hum in appreciation, almost forgetting himself. Yanking on his seatbelt, like a petulant child, he barked an order to the driver, without even looking at them. “Sina Apartments … I hope you don’t need directions!” Almost immediately he regretted his harsh tone, and he swivelled on the seat to give the driver his best flat stare. “Fuck!” he gasped, cussing internally – his view filled with a huge chunk of a man. Levi estimated he must be over 6’ tall, he evidently filled the driver seat with his solid, hulking physique. The driver had thick, vanilla-blonde hair, styled immaculately, from what Levi could tell. Levi could only see the profile of his face, but he couldn’t take his eyes off him. “What the fuck?!” Levi thought to himself, even recently dumped he still couldn’t curb his libido.

Levi found himself asking “You’re new aren’t you? Haven’t seen you before.” Conscious of the strong smoky clove and scotch scent exiting his mouth and tainting the fresh interior of the taxi. “I’ve recently swapped from day to night shifts” the driver quickly replied in explanation. Then paused, seemingly in thought, before following up rather matter-of-factly “I recently split from a long term relationship. So I have no-one to moan about me working all night, and sleeping all day.” 

Farlan’s words “I’ve met someone else” turned over in Levi’s mind, together with the pain he felt knowing that that someone else had been there, with Farlan, in his hotel room. Levi’s stomach plummeted again and he found himself replying sharply “If you say so!” frostily turning around to face out of the taxi’s side window. 

Levi, though quickly collected his emotions, realising he had something in common with this guy, and he really just wanted to talk to someone. “How’s that working out for you?” he decided to ask tentatively, turning back to face the driver again. Without a pause the driver replied chirpily “Night shifts? Great actually! Well it’s more money anyhow.” 

“No, no, no!” Levi thought, “For fucks sake - I want to know how you even begin to survive without having a fuckbuddy on tap!” He’d decided this was what he would reduce his ‘relationship’ with Farlan down to. He didn’t say this out loud of course, he merely tutted and harshly amended his question “Tsk! No idiot. I meant being single?” Intensely staring down the taxi driver, who still hadn’t met his glaze, choosing to keep his eyes on the road ahead. “I only ask as tonight I’ve found myself in the same fucking camp! Single and fancy free! Can’t say a give a fuck!” 

“Wow” Levi thought to himself, where did this sudden desire to off-load come from? He felt like a total sap. “Bastard!” he muttered to himself, unsure whether he was admonishing himself for his unnecessary out-burst, or referring to Farlan, the cheating bastard. All of a sudden he felt wholly vulnerable and moved to hug himself, curling-up and settling deep into the comfort of the leather car-seat. So wrapped-up in his present vulnerability Levi missed the ocean-blue eyes that cautiously surveyed him.

The passing street lights merged and became a blur, with the journey to the apartments continuing at a pace, as Levi remained huddled in the seat, in a poor attempt at self-comfort. “Things happen for a reason.” The driver’s words brought Levi back to harsh reality, and all he could say was “bollocks!” in response. Choosing to remain coiled in his own ‘pseudo-relaxing’ embrace, focusing on his heartbeat to establish some sense of calm, only to be shattered when an unwelcome thought hit him like a train.

“Oh fuck!” he shouted, clearly startling the driver, as he made a swift emergency stop, jerking the two of them forward, only to be halted in their movement forward by the snap reaction of their seatbelts. “What?” the driver enquired breathlessly, showing considerable concern in his tone. ”Fuck!” was all Levi was able to say in reply, knowing if he verbalised his thoughts, he’d have to deal with their reality. He groaned and held his head in his hands.

Finally Levi peered out from between his fingers, realising the taxi was still stationary, the driver clearly waiting on an actual response – and tangible reason for his mini-outburst. “I’ve just realised I’m gonna have to clear out all my stuff from the bastard’s apartment before he gets back from his work trip!” Levi managed to spit out, the words themselves threatening to form a huge pile of shit, with Levi’s name on it. The taxi began to move again slowly, and Levi couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed that the driver had made no comment in response. He did however sense the driver moving his gaze from the road to Levi. One little piece of comfort Levi did take from the driver’s lack of response was any reaction to Levi admitting he was in a same-sex relationship. At least the guy hadn’t recoiled in horror at having some over-emotional, huffy homo in his taxi.

Suddenly, and unexpectedly the driver asked Levi when Farlan would be back, and Levi had told him he’d be back the day after tomorrow, groaning and cussing again at the immediacy of his dire situation. Totally out-of-the-blue the driver then added “I’ve got a van, should you need any help”, his voice was soft, his offer carefully stated. Levi had no idea why he’d invited such an offer of kindness, and for that reason he was incapable of forming any words in response, opting to revert back to his default self-comforting shell, curled into the car-seat. After a brief pause Levi could hear the driver’s soft voice again reassuringly saying “Look, just call the office if you need help and leave a message for Erwin, Erwin Smith. I’m more than happy to help a fellow singleton out.”  
Again Levi was at a loss to respond. Instead he realised they’d arrived at his sister’s apartment block. Mikasa was out-of-town, working away in another city for the foreseeable future, but he had a spare key, and he knew this was one place he was more than welcome to stay, whilst he sorted his shit out. He suddenly felt an overwhelming need to be alone, to not taint anyone else with his anger or pain. He made the verbal exchange with Erwin about the taxi fare as quickly as possible and almost fell out of the door, not able to get away fast enough, and certainly not looking back.  
Walking through the rather bland reception area of the Sina Apartments Levi headed straight for the lifts. He called the lift and waited, his thoughts clouded with the divergent encounters he’d just experienced – being discarded by someone he believed cared about him – then being offer help by someone he didn’t even know. What he was certain about is that he needed to work through his emotions and he knew exactly how to achieve this. 

The lift arrived and he entered the small space, punching the button for floor 5, and slumping against the lift wall. The smooth movement of the lift took moments to reach the fifth floor, and as the doors slide open he pulled himself off the wall, exited and headed towards his sister’s apartment. Her spare key was on the key-ring Levi took from his jacket pocket. Standing in front of flat 511, he held, then released a deep breath before unlocking the door and heading in. 

He’d clean the flat from top-to-bottom, and he knew he‘d spend until the early hours doing so. Cleaning allowed Levi to centre himself, work through any negative thoughts and fathom a way forward. It was technique he’d fallen back on at many stressful points in his life, and there’d been a fair few. Levi moved towards the kitchenette area, opening the cupboard under the sink and casting his eye over the assortment of cleaning products within. His particular form therapy would work, he was certain of its success, and so he shucked off his jacket, rolled up his shirt sleeves and got to it.  
When he finally finished cleaning the entire flat, he stood back to admire his work, breathing in the mingling scents of various cleaning products. Satisfied. Feeling clearer. He had already decided to do one last thing before heading to bed. Picking up his phone and noting the lateness of the hour, he dialled the number for Titan Taxis and left a message for Erwin Smith.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is beginning to unfold, and I already have the next 3 chapters mapped out.  
> It is gonna be a slow burn, but hopefully enough to keep you interested. The explict rating will come into play as the story progresses.  
> Thanks for the kudos. It is helping this first timer feel very reassured.  
> Comments and gentle nudges always welcome.
> 
> Chapter 3 - the move #1 coming soon ...


	3. the move #1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi accepts Erwin's help to move his stuff from Farlan's apartment.  
> Levi is seeking revenge and Erwin is seeking love and passion - this doesn't add up to a compatable situation in the slightest.  
> Erwin feels powerless to resist Levi, but ends up regretting giving in to him so easily.  
> Poor Erwin.
> 
> *Explicit scene at end of chapter*

The piercing sound of his mobile ringtone awoke Erwin rather abruptly from his comforting sleep. He blindly felt for his phone on the bedside table, located it and opened one eye to check who as calling. Mike. Ringing at 9.30am. Erwin groaned. Great, he’d managed about 4 hours sleep after a rather vigorous work-out in the shower driven by unbridled thoughts of the grumpy, but hot passenger, he’d had in his taxi yesterday.

Erwin tapped the screen to accept Mike’s call, and mumbled a drowsy hello. “Erwin, mate, sorry did I wake you?” “Oh shit, yeah I forgot, you were on nights last night, sorry mate” he said apologetically. “I calling to let you know you had a rather critic message left at HQ last night, a call from a guy, probably some weirdo.” Erwin stayed silent. “Err … hold on a minute let me grab the call transcript.” Mike quickly followed-up. Erwin let out the deep breath he wasn’t aware he’d been holding. “Got it here chief, the message was bring your van for 2pm, if you can remember where. That’s it. The call came in at 4.30am.” 

Erwin sighed. He understood the message loud and clear. “Thanks Mike, it’s fine honestly, I know what it’s about. There’s no need to worry, just helping someone out, that’s all. Thanks for letting me know. Catch-up later yeah?” He promptly disconnected the call. He hummed thinking of the co-incidence that whilst he was jacking off to downright pornographic thoughts Levi in the shower, the little guy was calling the office accepting is offer of help. He tried to not make too much of this – after all, Levi only need his help, and his van, but he couldn’t help but hope he may need much, much more. Erwin flipped his pillow over to seek out the cool side, plumping it up before laying his head down to get some more sleep before his second encounter with Levi. Thoughts of what that may promise lulled Erwin quickly into a relaxed sleep.

Erwin woke again at noon, stretching out he felt satisfied he’d rested enough. He headed to the shower, trying to quell his excitable thoughts of what 2pm would bring. Erwin showered quickly, returning to the bedroom to decide what to wear. God – he felt like he was heading for a first date, rather than just offering his services as a removal man. He opened his wardrobe and browsed the hanging garments. After a minutes consideration he selected a light blue polo shirt and dark grey chinos – causal, but not scruffy. Pausing to admire himself in the mirror he noted the polo shirt reflected the colour of his eyes perfectly. He was satisfied enough to head towards the kitchen for a bite to eat before getting the van ready.

After eating a couple of pieces of toast, washed down with a strong black coffee – which honestly was all he could face, his stomach doing summersaults at the thought of seeing Levi again – Erwin headed to the parking garage situated under his apartment complex, grabbing his van keys before he left. His van was new, like his BMW, it too was sleek and black. Erwin felt the need to make his van as clean as possible: he’d always been one to try to make a good impression. 

Opening the back doors, Erwin noted a few strips of wooden flooring and some wrapping, left over from his latest DIY project – which he swiftly removed from the back and placed on the floor, planning to dump them in the bin before returning to his apartment. The front was untidier: sweet wrappers, old newspapers and old work documents sat in a pile in the passenger seat. With one move he swept them all away, and seriously contemplated vacuuming the front cab, then decided against it. He was certain it would make the impression he needed it to. 

Checking his watch he noted it was just after 1pm, he’d got around 40 minutes before he had to leave, but of course he’d be early – another overly-polite curse of his upbringing. He closed the doors of the van, locking it behind him, then grabbing the detritus he’s amassed and heading toward the refuse area for the apartment block, tipping it all unceremoniously into a huge wheelie-bin. 

Back in his flat his nerves almost became the better of him, he found himself pacing back-and-forth, threatening to wear a groove in the floor. Erwin checked and rechecked his appearance, but found no obvious fault. Unable to wait any longer he left the flat just after 1.30pm to make the 15 minute drive to Sina Apartments.

Erwin idled the van engine in the same pull-in area he’d used the night before, when he’d dropped Levi off. At bang-on 2pm he saw Levi exit the apartment block doors. With a sharp intake of breath he noted Levi’s attire – tight wash-faded jeans, a grey vest, overlain with a battered leather jacket. He had his left hand tucked in his jean pocket, and a small rucksack slung over his shoulder. “Fuck!” Erwin thought, even in causal gear this guy looked like raw-sex. Levi had a rather nonchalant facial expression and he sidled, loosely, (much like he did when approaching Erwin’s taxi yesterday), towards Erwin’s van. For Erwin, Levi’s slow movements just oozed sex-appeal. He gulped, and prepared himself for his passenger.

Levi opened the van door and hesitated, before he braced himself to span the height of the seat, leaping rather lithely into the cab. Erwin stifled a chuckle, reminding himself how short Levi was, compared with how high the van’s cab was off the ground. Levi turned towards Erwin, a flash of grey in his narrow eyes, before hooking in his seatbelt, and flatly saying “let’s get this shit over with!” Erwin took that as a sign to get the van rolling. But he thought quickly to reply “where exactly are we headed, Levi?” “Rose district” Levi said, “I’ll direct you off the highway” he quickly followed up. “Ok” Erwin said, quashing a comment about not needed to question his extensive taxi-knowledge, fearful it would just annoy his spikey passenger.

Erwin slipped the van into first gear and rolled out of the pick-up bay, turning the van smoothly out for the apartment grounds and heading on the direct route to the highway. Silence filled the van, but it didn’t feel as frosty or unconformable as yesterday. Erwin toyed with the idea of turning on the radio, but decided against it, preferring to attempt to make small talk with Levi.

“So, do you have a lot of stuff to move” he enquired tentatively. “Not much really” Levi replied easily “just some clothes, books and the odd box of tat.” Whilst speaking, Levi looked over towards Erwin and their eyes met – grey against blue – held for a moment, before Erwin turned to check on the road ahead, and Levi also glanced away. “I shouldn’t keep you too long, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Levi admitted rather sulkily. “Hey, no that’s not a problem Levi, it’ll take as long as it takes.” Erwin reassured him. “As long as you get all your stuff out, that’s the most important thing.” Erwin was really trying hard to sound genuine, and Levi seemed to accept his words, huffing in appreciation, but saying nothing more.

Heading southbound on the highway, Erwin waited patiently for Levi to offer him directions to their destination. He’d endured about 10 minutes of silence, and was finding it hard to bear. Passing junction 33a, marking the outer boundary of the Rose District, Erwin tried really hard to occupy himself with observing the fleeting scenery, noting the isolated farmsteads and patchwork fields passing by in a blur. “Take the next junction, and head towards the Sanctuary Wall blocks” Levi announced pointedly. Before Levi could follow up his clear instruction with a cutting remark about Erwin’s navigation knowledge, Erwin said “Okay – I can do that!” He immediately slowed the van to join the inside lane of traffic, preparing to exit the highway. 

Once he was maintaining a steady speed Erwin stole a glance at Levi, just a brief one. Levi appeared stiff in his seat, he was hugging his rucksack, with glazed eyes staring straight ahead. Returning his eyes to the road, Erwin indicated to leave the highway via the slipway, and as he slowed to meet the reduced speed-limit he moved smoothly down the gears. At the approaching roundabout he indicated again, to turn left, and without the need to check the road signs, recalling the route to the Sanctuary Wall from memory.

He could have cut the silence in the van with a knife. He was regretting not putting on the radio when they set-off, and was internally kicking himself for not having the balls to sustain any kind of ‘small-talk’, though he’d already decided Levi clearly wasn’t a small talk kind of guy. His conversational skills had evidently been tested already, with their exchange the day before.

“You wanna head to block 5 next” Levi prompted. “Sure, I know where that is” Erwin replied quickly. Block 5 was about a mile away from their current position, and it took Erwin no time at all to arrive there. “We’re here” Levi declared, “Pull over behind that silver Land Rover on the right”. Erwin complied silently, parking the van deftly and setting on the parking brake. He turned to look at Levi, as he moved to unbuckle his seatbelt. “Let’s get this show on the road then” Erwin said brightly, opting to flash Levi a coy smile, as he caught his eye. Levi unbuckled his own seatbelt, letting out a soft sigh, but choosing not to say anything, instead just nodding quietly in agreement. 

They opened their respective doors simultaneously and hopped out of the van. Erwin fought all thoughts of chivalry, quashing a desire to hop round to the passenger side to help Levi embark, even though he knew the jump down was much greater a distance for the short man. Instead they regrouped on the pavement, Erwin noted Levi looking up at a tall townhouse: 5:23. He appeared to be mentally collecting himself, fidgeting with a set of keys in his right hand. “Fuck-it!” he declared suddenly, as Erwin watched him stomp towards the front door. Whilst unlocking the front door Levi turned to Erwin and said, “its the ground-floor apartment, so no stairs to contend with.” “That’s good” Erwin felt compelled to reply. Levi just stared at him questioningly, holding his gaze for a heartbeat, before turning back around to push open the door. Erwin followed Levi into the building like a dutiful puppy, waiting for Levi to lead the way to the inner apartment door, then waiting again for him to unlock it and let them both inside.

Erwin found himself being ushered into a plain, narrow hallway. “Normally at this point I’d ask you to take your shoes off, but for one, it’s gonna be too impractical, and also cleaning this pad is no longer my fucking concern – so keep ‘em on!” Erwin was taken aback, this was the longest sentence Levi had spoken since his revelation in the taxi yesterday. Equally as venomous in tone, but still, progress of sorts … Dumbstruck Erwin just nodded in acknowledgement.

Erwin had realised very quickly that he needed to let Levi dictate the pace of the move, and the tasks ahead of them, so he decided to say as much. “Just let me know how I can help you today Levi, I’m happy to do whatever you need me to”. Levi, with a slight eyebrow raise, considered Erwin’s words for a moment, then gifted him with another flat stare. After a few moments Levi replied “look, I’ll pack yeah? You can ferry the stuff to the van – okay?” “Sure” Erwin said. “Whatever you need”, he quickly added – in an effort to reinforce his amenability.

After shucking off his jacket and hanging it on a coat hook in the hallway, Levi led Erwin first to the kitchen. Whilst Erwin took in his surroundings, Levi opened a door which led to a pantry. He bend down to settle on his knees and extended himself to reach for something on the floor at the back of the space. Erwin couldn’t stop his eyes travelling to take in Levi’s crouching form. Bare muscular arms flexing into his stretch towards the back of the pantry. Faded jeans hugging his small, tight ass beautifully. Narrow hips swivelling ever so slightly as he attempted to manoeuvre whatever he was searching for from the small pantry space. Erwin’s thoughts wandered to consider what those lithe hips would move like in the throes of passion. With that thought Erwin shifted his standing position, responding to a familiar tightness in his trousers. Fortunately he’d opted not to tuck-in his polo shirt, instead he’d left it hanging loose and so it deftly disguised his growing arousal. 

Levi rocked back on his shins and lifted-up a stack of cardboard boxes with straightened, taut arms. “Here allow me” Erwin offered, grateful to have something else to occupy his mind. Erwin reached above and from behind Levi, his groin briefly skimming Levi’s right shoulder – bare, with the looseness of his vest. Whether his aroused state was felt by the kneeling man, or not, no acknowledgement was made, nothing was said. Erwin grabbed the stack of boxes and turned to place them on the floor in the middle of the kitchen.

Whilst he was turned away Erwin sensed Levi approach him, then move alongside him to collect a small box from the stack, which he rested on the kitchen side. Levi started his task by opening an overhead cupboard and carefully selecting and removing items to take and pack. Erwin watched, feeling a little useless gain, but intrigued none-the-less.

The first box was packed with various packets and tins of what looked to Erwin like tea. Then space was made in the box for a delicate-looking tea-set, which was swiftly covered with bubble-wrap taken from Levi’s rucksack.

Levi then moved towards the sink and opened the cupboard underneath. He proceeded to pull out a blue bucket which appeared to be full of various cleaning products. Levi set the bucket down on the counter next to the box containing the tea and tea-set. “That’s the first load ready for ya” he gestured with a nod looking pointedly between Erwin and the stuff on the counter. “Okay”, Erwin replied. “Don’t drop that box though, that tea-set is a fucking heirloom” Levi stated sharply. “I’ll try not to” Erwin replied jokingly. Levi huffed and crossed his arms, the joke having clearly not been appreciated.

Erwin loaded himself up with the bucket and the box and headed back down the hallway to the front door. When he returned from putting the first load in the van, he entered the apartment, shutting the door behind him and heading back down the hallway. “I’m in here” Levi shouted, obviously aware of Erwin’s reappearance. Erwin headed towards the room straight-ahead, at the end of the hallway, following Levi’s voice. He found Levi sat of the floor, cross-legged beside a tall bookcase, surrounded by a pile of books, DVDs and CDs - carefully selecting certain ones and slotting them into a large box by his side. When he’d finished, Levi slid the box towards Erwin, pausing to consider Erwin for a minute, before raising himself up off the ground and heading out of the room. Erwin took that as he cue to take the box out to the van.

After his second trip to the van Erwin found himself hovering at the door to the apartment’s only bedroom. He watched Levi meticulously fold clothing that he’d retrieved from various drawers and the hanging wardrobe space. Levi has opened a large holdall on the bed, and he proceeded to gently place each item in the holdall after its careful folding. 

The process in total took about 25 minutes, it wasn’t that Levi had loads of clothes, it was drawn-out merely by his care and attention to detail. Erwin found himself entranced by Levi’s methodological ministrations, and wondered whether his meticulousness filtered out into other aspects of his life. He’d resisted the temptation to move closer to Levi, and perhaps even sit on the edge of the bed. No! That would just be odd. So Erwin chose to stay hovering in the doorway, watching.

Shoes and towels were carefully separated out – paired or folded – placed in new black sacks that Levi had removed from his rucksack. Levi purposefully left the zipped-up holdall and black-sacks on the bed for Erwin, and moved across the room to the en-suite bathroom saying “not much left to do now”.

Erwin moved softly over to the bed and lifted the bags off the mattress, taking them dutifully out to the van. He was surprised by how meagre the total-sum of Levi’s belongings was, a handful of boxes and bags. Erwin found himself wondering just how long Levi had actually lived at the apartment, and ergo how long he’d been in a relationship with its owner. He suspected not long, surely Erwin though, Levi would have amassed more stuff if he’d been there for a longer time. Erwin shrugged his thoughts off, considering this was perhaps a question to put to Levi at another time. 

He promptly took himself back to the apartment, heading directly through to the bedroom again. He found Levi finishing packing a small box with some toiletries, and when once done Levi firmly fixed the lid of the box shut. This time Levi lifted the picked up the box and moved across the room to pass it directly to Erwin, briefly brushing his hand as he handed over the box. Electricity shot through Erwin’s body and that merest of touches, warmth spreading quickly through him. “Just the last few bits” Levi reassured Erwin, holding his gaze and attempting, with a slight upturn of the corners of his mouth, a smile. “Great!” Erwin chirped positively, trying to keep a check on his feelings. Dutifully he turned to take the box out to the van. 

After shutting the van doors and triggering the lock mechanism Erwin checked his watch 3.46pm, he mentally calculated they’d be back at Sina Apartments by around 4.30pm and maybe would have finished moving the stuff into Levi’s apartment by 5pm – there evidently wasn’t as much stuff as he’d anticipated. “Maybe . . .” Erwin thought, “I should ask Levi if he’d like a drink after we’re done. Maybe he’d appreciate not being on his own after taking the final step in the ending of a relationship.” Erwin felt positively buoyed, with a fresh sense of confidence as he returned to the apartment. He’s decided he’d ask Levi straightaway. 

“Levi?” Erwin called out as he re-entered the apartment. “In here” Levi’s voice called back from the bedroom. From the doorway Erwin caught sight of Levi, he’d removed his vest and was reclining seductively on the bed. Levi casually patted the mattress and hooded his gaze, then beckoned for Erwin to move closer. Erwin froze, he felt his heart-rate quicken and his groin stir, blood rushing down his body to fuel an instinctive erection. He stood, fixed to the spot. Levi purred “there’s one last thing I’d like to do before we leave Erwin.” Casting his hooded gaze towards Erwin. “I want one last fuck in my bed.” 

Levi slipped further down into the mattress and opened his thighs wide, keeping his hooded eyes on Erwin, showing no shame. “Fuck me!” he whispered in a low, sexy tone. “I know you want me. You’ve been hard for me all afternoon. Don’t think I hadn’t noticed. I know you are still hard for me now.” Erwin’s eyes fluttered open and shut at the truth in Levi’s blunt observation, he was rendered speechless. Desire compelling him to move, Erwin crossed the room swiftly heading directly over to the bed, his fists grabbing at the hem of his polo shirt, and pulling it roughly off his body and over his head. He heard a gasp from Levi as he revealed his naked torso, and when he’d ditched his shirt throwing it on the floor, he saw Levi’s eyes flicker over Erwin’s muscular form, drinking him in, whilst moving to prop himself upon his elbows.

Erwin knelt with one knee on the bed, and used his left hand to pin Levi down into the mattress, dipping down low to kiss him. Erwin was rough, frenzied, but he felt Levi melt immediately into the force of his kiss, opening his mouth receptively to allow Erwin to shove in his tongue. Erwin kissed him, and probed Levi’s small mouth with such ferocity that Levi was left gasping for air when they finally broke away. 

Still pinned down by Erwin’s hand at his chest, Levi raised his arms and ran his cool, small hands up and down over Erwin’s torso, his hungry gaze almost burning tracks in Erwin’s skin. Levi bit his lower lip teasingly, as his hands migrated down to Erwin’s fly, then he glanced momentarily to meet blue eyes, blown wide, before casting his hooded eyes down. He deftly unbuttoned Erwin’s fly, lowering his zipper: breath held, eyes lowered. Erwin was rock-hard, and his erection unfurling out of the open fly. Levi released the breath he’d been holding and palmed at Erwin’s erection, tantalisingly licking his lips.

Still arched over Levi’s right side on the edge of the bed, Erwin decided it was time to reciprocate. Moving his hand from holding down Levi’s chest to palm the smaller man’s erection. His other hand making swift work of unbuttoning and unzipping Levi’s jeans. The combined temperature of their bodies rose in response and the room was filled with sounds of shallow breathing and gentle moans.

Both men became immediately hungry for more than just foreplay, and quickly took responsibility for removing their own trousers and underwear, pausing briefly to also remove their shoes and socks. Clothing formed a messy pile on the bedroom floor, but neither paid any mind to it, preferring to greedily take in the sight of each other’s naked form.

Wanton hands roamed across naked flesh, circling sensitive skin, sucking at nipples, fingers ghosting over taut muscles, lips crashing together, almost violently, teeth grazing tongues, nipping at earlobes. It didn’t feel awkward or chaste - it felt raw, animalistic … real. The two men moving frantically towards a shared objective.

Quick to break away briefly, and drink in each other’s form. Erwin then noticed a small bottle of lube resting on the navy-blue duvet at the side of Levi. He reached to grab it, nodding gently to Levi, to gain his consent. Levi nodded eagerly in response and turned himself onto his front. Choosing to present himself eagerly to Erwin on all fours, back arched and his ass tilted up towards Erwin. Erwin had no time to reflect upon how fast things were moving, he was too overwhelmed by desire, the urgency of the moment and encouraged by Levi’s apparent eagerness.

Erwin twisted the top of the lube bottle and squeezed a decent amount onto the fingers of his left hand. Dropping the bottle back onto the duvet, he used his right hand to push Levi’s ass cheeks up and open. Allowing himself a clear view of Levi’s tight, pink hole – it was so inviting. With his left index finger Erwin quickly breached Levi’s hole in one rough thrust until he was knuckle deep. Levi groaned at the sharp breach, and after taking a moment to collect himself, he canted back and forward steadily in a rocking motion, moving in rhythm to the pumping and circling of Erwin’s thick finger.

Erwin quickly forced in a second finger, his middle one, and Levi’s body invited him in with ease. As he pressed his fingers against Levi’s prostate he as gifted with a loud, deep moan. He oscillated between pressing his sweet-spot and scissoring his fingers to stretch Levi sufficiently. Erwin pressed in a third finger and soon made quick work of his final preparations. Leaving Levi bucking and moaning in response.

As Erwin moved to extract his three fingers from Levi’s asshole and begin to reach for the lube to coat his cock ready for penetration, Levi braced himself against the mattress and said breathlessly “fuck me hard Erwin.” And as an afterthought he continued “but don’t come up my ass. I want to watch you blow your load all over the bed.” Levi rocked back briefly onto his heels, feeling blindly for Erwin’s erection and whispering “think you can do that for me big stuff?” Erwin was so overcome with Levi’s filthy request, he left himself no time to consider his reasoning. Instead his rapidly coated his length with lube, lined himself up with Levi’s quivering hole and entered balls-deep in one long, hard thrust.

Allowing Levi no time to adjust, Erwin began pounding his ass at a punishing rate. Levi whimpered and moaned with every thrust, begging for more, harder, deeper thrusts. Erwin found himself more than happy to comply, fucking him deep into the mattress. Erwin relished the feel of his heavy balls slapping fiercely against Levi’s perineum. Close to climax he honed his senses into Levi’s movements, and as soon as he felt a change in Levi’s pace, becoming evidently more erratic, Erwin pulled out and precisely timed his climax with Levi’s, coming together in ribbons of spunk, pulsing long and thick, all over the navy bedding. 

Feeling thoroughly spent Erwin rested his head on Levi’s left shoulder, both men admiring the patterns their white cum had made over the dark bed covering. Levi sat back and said rather smugly “that’ll make a nice welcome home surprise for the cheating fucker!” “Shall we get going?” he turned to smirk at Erwin, before jumping off the bed, collecting his clothes and heading for the en suite. Erwin’s mood sank immediately upon hearing Levi’s words. Everything shifted to slow-motion. He felt like a total fool. The realisation hit him that he’d just been used, he’d merely been part of Levi’s ploy to make a point to his ex. He felt physically sick, all signs of post-coital joy immediately quashed. He sat on the edge of the bed, stunned. Shame rising like bile in his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is about the length of Chs 1&2 combined, and it probably going to be the standard chapter length from here on it. Sorry about the chapter not ending on a particularly positive note - but don't dispair Eruri in the endgame, it'll just take a roller-coaster of a ride to get there.
> 
> Chapter 4 deals with the emotional fallout.
> 
> Thanks for the hits, kudos and subscriptions. I'm feeling pretty positive about getting my first ever fic out there, I hope I can keep you all sufficiently interested.


	4. the fallout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin deals with the fallout of 'revenge sex' with Levi.  
> He opens up to his best friend Mike and receives some good advice about how to proceed.  
> (Poor Erwin!)

Erwin became aware he was still sitting on the edge of the bed, naked, head cradled in his hands. He cast off his malaise enough to manage to get dressed, but he had no clear idea exactly how long he’d been sitting there, overwhelmed with shame at what he’d inadvertently been drawn into. Revenge sex just didn’t register on his radar, in the slightest, and it had left him with a bad taste in his mouth. He felt like he’d been totally and utterly used. He wasn’t even sure he could face Levi again, but he knew he had to, he’d soon appear from the en suite and he’d be forced to face him again.

That time came much sooner than Erwin had hoped. Levi swung out of the bathroom, fully clothed again in his jeans and vest-top. “Let’s get out of here!” He declared, moving to pick up his rucksack from beside the bed.

Erwin moved to exit the bedroom first, and headed straight to the apartment door, not even waiting for Levi to grab his jacket. He just had to get out of there. He hurried out of the apartment and straight to the van, unlocking the doors with one swift click of his key-fob. Opening the driver-side door he slid in the seat, numbly waiting for Levi to lock up and follow.

The drive home to Sina Apartments was completed in total silence. Erwin couldn’t risk speaking to Levi, he knew his voice would waiver, he knew it would betray his feelings, his anger, his disgust. Levi seemed oblivious to what Erwin was thinking and feeling. He acted like nothing had happened. Like Erwin hadn’t just pounded his ass into oblivion. Like he hadn’t cheapened the experience with his final comment. Like he hadn’t just used Erwin the most uncomfortable and unthoughtful way.

Pulling back into the parking bay at the Sina Apartment complex Erwin couldn’t help but wish he could turn back the clock to 2pm, and not be foolish enough to be led into making such a grave error of judgment. But life didn’t work that way, and Erwin knew it. He’d just have to suck-it-up for the remainder of this encounter with Levi – get it over with as quickly as possible, and try and put this whole damn thing down to an regrettable ‘blip’ in his normally so rational and quite frankly, uneventful life.

The hardest pill to swallow was recalling how overcome he’d been with lust and desire. The encounter hadn’t been tentative nor gentle, it had been raw, filthy even. It had unleashed something in Erwin that he found entirely unfamiliar, and if he was honest his body’s reaction to Levi had shaken him to the core.

“Just need to get my shit in the lift, and I can take things from there” Levi announced suddenly, drawing Erwin away from his tortuous thoughts. Erwin merely nodded in response, unbuckled his seatbelt, opened the van door and hopped out, rounding towards the back of the van.

Levi joined him as he was opening the van doors. Erwin loaded himself up with the two heaviest and largest boxes, whilst Levi lifted his holdall, slung it over his left shoulder then, leaned into the van to life out the box containing the tea-set. He leaned so close to Erwin, he couldn’t help but catch a residual scent of sex on his bare skin. Erwin noted how Levi carried marks on his neck and collarbone, where he’d bitten him in the throes of ecstasy. Erwin flushed in remembrance, quickly shaking his head to shake the painful memory away.

He waited patiently until Levi turned to head towards the apartment block front door, and he dutifully followed, unhindered and unbothered by the heavy load he was carrying. Their progression into the building was eased by the automated opening of the front doors. Erwin then proceeded to follow Levi to the lift lobby. Levi pressed the button to call the lift and Erwin was forced to endure yet another awkward silence which settled between them. When the lift arrived a few moments later, Erwin, without being prompted, used the two boxes he’d been carrying to prop open the lift doors, enabling Levi to off-load his holdall and carefully place the box he’d been carrying on the floor of the lift.

Together they turned, retracing their steps back to the van, its back doors still wide open. They both grabbed the remainder of the black sacks full of shoes and towels and headed back to the lift lobby. As Levi entered the lift to place the black sack he’d been carrying next to his holdall on the floor, and Erwin followed suit. Erwin then shifted the boxes that have served to prop the lift doors open, into the interior of the lift, then moved away quickly to clear the lift space.

Erwin found Levi looking up at him, his grey eyes seeming to sparkle, in direct contradiction to his mouth and expression which remained still; lips taut and flat. Levi nodded and lowered his eyes, moving to press the ‘5’ button to take him to his floor. Without waiting to watch the lift doors close, Erwin turned and walked away. He returned solemnly to the van, round the back to close-up the doors, then moving to the driver’s side to get in. As he opened the driver side door he saw a white envelope sat on his seat. Bearing only one word – “thanks”.

Without opening the envelope, choosing to rest it on the passenger seat, Erwin started the van’s engine and auto-pilot took over as he headed back home. The 15 minute drive flashed-by a complete blur. As he parked up the van outside his apartment he caught sight of the envelope. Setting on the parking brake and unclipping his seat-belt he reached out the grab it, opening it hastily. The solitary word of gratitude now hidden on the underside.

The envelope contained five crisp £20 notes. Erwin’s payment for his trouble, he presumed. If there was one final way to cheapen his encounter with Levi, it was the feeling he’d been paid for his services. Erwin sighed deeply as he fought to hold back stinging tears.

\- - -

By 8pm Erwin had showered, put on some fresh clothes and had proceeded to grab a cold beer from the fridge. He deftly opened the bottle lid with a mere twist of his hand. He grabbed his phone from the kitchen worktop and moved to sit in his lounge. As soon as he sat down on his plush sofa he unlocked his phone, recalling his phone log and pressing to call Mike. He needed someone to talk this shit through with, and Mike was his oldest and bestest friend, non-judgment and incredibly wise. Mike agreed to come round to Erwin’ apartment straightaway and half-an-hour later they were sat together on Erwin’s sofa, with two cold beers and a large pizza, which Mike had collected on his way round to Erwin’s.

“So what did you wanna talk about?” Mike asked, “You sounded pretty cut-up on the phone, and you look like you just ran over someone’s dog or something.” Erwin took a deep, long swig of his beer, giving himself time to compose himself before replying. “I’ve fucked-up Mike – big time” his voice wavering at his honest admission. “Aww mate, I’m sure it can’t be that bad. Tell me all about it, starting from the beginning.” Mike instructed reassuringly.

So Erwin began with recalling the details of his first meeting with Levi, the pick-up the night before. Describing Levi and the details of their exchange, with as much accuracy as he could recall. Erwin carefully omitted the detail that he’d masturbated in the shower to unbridled thoughts of Levi, but he did try to get-across to Mike the sense of immediate attraction that he’d felt towards Levi.

“Ah, so Levi was the guy who left you the cryptic message?” Mike said. He allowed Erwin to continue, so he did so. Discussing the details of the move itself, how they’d barely interacted. Erwin grabbed his beer, polishing off the bottle in one big gulp, preparing himself to get to the crux of the story. Mike unsurprisingly detected how unsettled Erwin seemed, and put a steady hand on his knee. “You okay?” He asked worriedly. Erwin just nodded and then began speaking again.

He tried to explain Levi’s blatant wantonness, his own heightened and uncontrollable desire and the rawness of the encounter, in as calm a manner as possible. He paused briefly before tamely describing how the sex had ended. Re-stating Levi’s parting revelation, word-for-word.

Bile rose in Erwin’s throat when he finished speaking and he began to shake. Mike just shook his head, gently squeezing Erwin’s need in reassurance. Before finally saying “fuck, mate!” Erwin nodded robotically in agreement. He got up to go a fetch another beer for the two of them from the kitchen, taking advantage of leaving his revelation behind with Mike, giving a temporary reprieve from the distress, if just for the briefest of moments.

When he returned to the lounge Mike was still sitting where he’d left him, still shaking his head in disbelief. He looked up at Erwin and said. “So he just used you for revenge sex, to get back at his ex.” It wasn’t clear whether Mike had intended his words to form a question, or a mere statement. Regardless Erwin chose not to answer. He just lowered his gaze to the floor and traipsed back to sit on the sofa beside Mike.

“This may seem like an odd question, but I’m gonna ask it anyway. Okay?” Mike collected himself before continuing. “How do you truly feel about what transpired between you and Levi?” Erwin took in a deep breath and said simply. “Conflicted if I’m truly honest Mike.” Mike didn’t reply, he just waited to allow Erwin to elaborate further, taking his time to finish off his first beer and reaching for his second. Before reclining back against the sofa to meet Erwin’s eyes.

“I feel immense shame Mike. Partly because of how excessive my reactions were to Levi’s come-one, it was totally … not me. I was overcome with such strength of desire I didn’t recognise myself in my actions. My mind is trying to contend with the possibility, no certainty, that Levi didn’t really want me, he just wanted to make his point. I ended up being collateral damage. And I fell for it.” Erwin’s eyebrows furrowed into a deep, painful frown.

Mike replied “How different was what happened today with Levi, and say what happens on a one-night-stand?” He continued. “Aren’t you used, or using someone when you have a one-night-stand? I know you’ve had a few of those in your time Erwin.” “Yes I have Mike” Erwin quickly spoke up. “And you’re right, more frequently than not you end up using someone and being used in a one-night-stand. But …” “But what?” Mike enquired. “You often don’t get paid for a one-night-stand.” Erwin whispered in reply. But Mike caught his words “What the actual fuck Erwin? He fucking paid you?” “Yep” was all Erwin could muster in response.

After they each took drinks from their respective beer bottles Erwin followed up by admitting “this feels very different Mike, different to a typical one-night-stand … payment aside. I felt something, I gave something … everything, and now I am beginning to think all of that wasn’t reciprocated in the slightest.” He looked up at Mike with pleading eyes. “Am I really such a fool?” He asked. Mike shook his head again, and said gently “god Erwin, you’ve got it bad mate!” The verbalisation of his statement wasn’t at all necessary, but it was honest and heartfelt none-the-less.

They subconsciously paused any further conversation to drink more beer and eat the now cold pizza. Erwin flicked on the TV with his remote, really just to provide a little more background distraction. But Mike’s words were swimming round and round in his mind.

“I like him Mike, I like him a lot!” Erwin declared, breaking the temporary silence. Mike was just polishing off the last slice of pizza and he gulped down his mouthful quickly. Turning to Erwin he said. “I know you do big guy, that much is obvious. But what happened today is not the most ideal start to any relationship. And if I can be honest with you, I think you need to back-away, avoid any contact with him. He clearly has demons only he can exorcise.” Mike quickly followed up by saying firmly, “if he wants you, he’ll come to you. Don’t go to him. Don’t risk exposing your weaknesses and leave yourself open to being used and hurt again.” Embracing Erwin in a firm, friendly hug Mike said softly “you’re worth more than that Erwin – surely you know that?”

Deep down Erwin did, of course. He wasn’t a fool. He was typically a very careful, considered, rational individual. Conscious of his actions and guarded with his emotions. Levi had gotten under his skin, but he wasn’t currently in a place to try and fully analyse why. He mentally agreed with Mike’s advice, and he decided he’d try his upmost to follow it.

\- - - 

Erwin decided to keep taxiing, but just stuck to working Friday nights on the road. He genuinely did enjoy the change of pace. As the days passed Erwin found himself feeling less and less consumed with shame. He still played over the encounter with Levi in his head, but found it easier to carefully omit any recollection of how badly it had ended.

Work kept him busy, he’d been strategizing about how to expand Titan Taxi’s operating territory for months, and his networking was finally coming to fruition. Week days were filled with preparing and checking over new business contracts, and his evening spent attending numerous corporate events.

When Fridays came around he couldn’t help but hope he’d encounter the raven-haired passenger again, and any job in the vicinity of the Sina Apartments had his heart racing. Only to be dashed when his pick-up wasn’t Levi. Days turned into weeks and Erwin held onto hope, but he also dutifully followed Mike’s advice, not actively seeking Levi out: he just waited and hoped.

Halfway through his fourth Friday taxiing, since helping Levi move out of his ex’s apartment he was to come face-to-face with him again. Little did Erwin know that when he accepted a pick-up from the Corps Nightclub, a customer by the name of Jaeger, that he was headed straight for his third encounter with Levi. One that would leave Erwin even more confused and distraught. Third time would definitely NOT be a charm. The hardest pill Erwin was going to have to swallow (again) was Levi’s apparent obliviousness to Erwin’s sensibilities: and that’s what ended-up hurting Erwin the most!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got C5 written so it shouldn't take much time to upload.  
> Thanks for continuing to check-in, and leave kudos and comments.  
> I'm getting into the swing of things now, and really enjoying writing this fic.  
> You guys are great - thanks for your support.
> 
> I will go back and edit each chapter soon, I know there are minor spelling / grammatical errors in the text. Hope for now, you are happy to overlook them and just enjoy the unfolding story.


	5. the wrong impression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will include both Levi’s and Erwin’s POV, and not split them into separate chapters like I did for C1 &C2. I’ve decided to open with Levi’s POV, just to avoid making him out to be a wanton slut in his fic (though I am pleased that the comments so far express pity to both characters).

Part 1 (Levi’s POV)

Farlan hadn’t really factored in Levi’s thoughts since the breakup – no, not at all really, and for that Levi felt rather proud of himself. What had surprised Levi though is that Erwin had.

For a week after the move, Levi had experienced some pretty vivid flashbacks, at any and all times of the day and night. The ghost of the weight of Erwin’s hand pressing down on his chest. The breathlessness of his mouth against Levi’s. The thick-and-fullness of his fingers filling Levi’s ass and teasing him into submission. The heat of Erwin’s chest pressing heavy against Levi’s naked flesh. The force of his thrusts driving moans of pleasure deep from within Levi’s throat. Sometimes he shook with the memories. Most times it left him so hard he found himself seeking rough and immediate release. Whether in the shower, in bed, even in a toilet cubicle at work. Once almost under his desk!

Levi’s thoughts lingered on how the encounter had ended, and he felt sure from Erwin’s reaction that he’d just chalked it up to a good, spontaneous fuck, a one-off: nothing more. And Levi tried to tell himself he was fine with that.

Levi was insatiably horny, it was no secret. He found himself quickly falling into his old (pre-Farlan) routines, when he’d been single and free to act on his urges. Once, sometimes twice a week he’d head out to the Corps, knowing from memory it was the best place to find himself a good, no-strings-attached fuck.

Sometimes Levi’s night would end with reciprocal blow-jobs in a quiet corner of the nightclub, sometimes with a quick fuck in the toilets, or in the alleyway behind the club, pressed against a hard brick wall. Sometimes he’d take his conquest home, or head back to their apartment for sex. He’d always leave immediately afterwards – no words of thanks, no promises, no unwanted feelings, no commitment.

This is how Levi found himself being almost eaten by a young, tall, slim guy with beautiful bright green eyes (whose name he’d forgotten). He was pressed against the wall outside the Corps, rocking his hips seductively to tease the younger man, attempting to work him up into a frenzy. The guy had just called a taxi to take them back to his apartment, and they both were determined to make the most of their wait. The guy had his hands flat against the wall, either side of Levi’s head, bent down, forcing to Levi to arch forward into him. The guy was proceeding to devour Levi, sucking and biting his lips, probing Levi’s mouth forcibly with his hot and heavy tongue. The taste of alcohol mingling between their shared saliva. Levi began to run his hands down the guy’s torso, moving quickly to palm his obvious erection, hands meeting the cold, soft leather of his trousers. They were both panting heavily between kisses.

Suddenly the guy turned towards voice calling from the roadside. Levi caught the words “taxi for Jaeger?” (Oh – that’s his name, Levi thought). Jaeger grabbed Levi’s hand and pulled him off the wall and towards the waiting taxi. Levi wobbled slightly as he was ushered into the back-seat of the taxi first. Levi honestly took little notice of the car, the taxi firm livery or the driver, as he slunk into the back of the taxi, feeling the leather interior embrace his relaxed form.

The guy – ‘Jaeger’ followed Levi into the back of the taxi, sitting briefly alongside him, and leaning toward the driver to impart necessary information about their destination. “Take the quickest route mate” was all Levi heard of the exchange.

Levi’s head was resting against the cool leather backrest, eyes closed and he felt his companion move to straddle him, evidently keen to continue what they’d started earlier. Jaeger’s knees pushed towards the back of the leather seat and Levi felt the full extent of the guy’s erection. Levi’s own cock stirred awake in response.

Levi lifted his back off the seat to press their chests together, eyes still closed, he embraced Jaeger, his hands clawing over the back of the guy’ back. Even through his thin shirt, Levi was sure he was leaving deep marks. He proceeded to thrust upwards to meet Jaeger’s grinds. Forgetting all about where they were, or that they had an audience.

He opened his eyes to locate Jaeger’s exposed neck preparing to bite and suckle at the skin there. Just before he opened his mouth, he caught sight of a pair of wide blue eyes watching him through the taxi’s rear-view mirror. His immediate thought was one of pleasure, the blatant voyeurism a huge turn on for Levi. The taxi driver was clearly watching the two men get hot and heavy in the back of his cab, and quite possibly getting off on it.

The more Levi focused on those blue eyes that continued to hold his gaze, he was hit by a sudden realisation of who he was looking at.

His movements immediately slowed, and his partner just whimpered at the loss. Levi broke the stare, finally, and hooded his eyes, turning to whisper into Jaeger’s ear. “Let’s save this for somewhere more private hot stuff.” He urged. “I wouldn’t want you to blow your load prematurely in the back of a taxi.” He gave Jaeger’s ear a gentle nip and tapped him of the ass, in an attempt to persuade him to un-straddle Levi and return to being seated beside him. His companion obliged. Doing so with a little groan, before rearranging his bulge and reaching out to clasp Levi’s hand.

Levi kept his gazed hooded and low for the remainder of the journey, choosing to focus on gently stroking Jaeger’s hand and knuckles to maintain some sense of contact. His feelings of lust had damped considerably, his cock softened and his head swimming with the after effects of too much alcohol. Erwin, to give him his due, said nothing, and just concentrated on the road ahead, taking them safely, but swiftly to their destination.

When they finally arrived Levi exited the taxi as quick as possible, leaving Jaeger to deal with the fare. Through the open door of the taxi Levi heard Jaeger say “sorry about that mate, he’s a fucking horny one, that one. Here, keep the change.” Levi inwardly cringed, stiffening as he felt Jaeger’s approach, and a warm hand settle on his back, helping to lead him gently to the apartment.

Levi heard the taxi speed away into the night. Steeling himself he followed Jaeger into the property, closing the door behind them the guy immediately thrust Levi against the wall. Trying hard to relax into the Jaeger’s overbearing advances. Levi was wishing all the time, in his head he was with someone else, a certain blonde taxi driver, someone who he felt certain he’d well and truly blown his chances with. Levi’s decision was made, he’d just concentrate in proceeding with what he’d gone there to do.

Fortunately Jaeger was the kind of guy who fell asleep straight after sex, and Levi was free to make his escape. He quietly collected his clothing, which was scattered around the room: exiting the bedroom to hastily get dressed in the hallway. Levi’s lips felt chapped and rough, the skin on his collarbone bruised from all the nips and bites, his ass sore: but his legs were steady enough to stand whilst dressing. He proceeded to exit the apartment, no clear idea of where he was exactly. It was still dark. 

Levi checked his watch, it was 4.30am; they’d been fucking for almost 2 hours. In that time Levi had come once in the guy’s mouth, and a second time with Jaeger’s dick up his ass. Jaeger had come only once, when he’d mercilessly fucked Levi bareback, spurting his load deep inside Levi. Levi shuddered – fuck – he felt dirty. His breath stank of stale booze, his skin tainted with the smell of sex. He needed to get home and have a shower. He was temporarily comforted with the thought of washing the night’s activities away.

Levi spotted a familiar building and suddenly realised where he was. It was about a 30 minute walk to his sister’s apartment. He considered calling a taxi: the thought immediately brought back an uncomfortable memory from last night, one that he’d tried so hard to shut out. Erwin’s wide, blue eyes caught in the rear-view mirror, holding Levi’s gaze. “Fuck!” Levi muttered to himself. He thought hard about what those blue eyes had been communicating to him, in the minutes when they’d held his gaze – Dismay? Distress? Distain? Indifference?

He was all set to admonish himself, when he suddenly thought – it was only a one-night-stand, no different from what he’d had with Erwin. Erwin had only wanted a quick fuck – hadn’t he? He certainly hadn’t shown much interest in Levi afterwards, much to Levi’s chagrin. Levi had really hoped their next encounter would have allowed him explore the possibility of a repeat performance. The big blonde guy was factoring far too readily in his fantasies. He’d blown his chances though surely by acting like a randy little shit tonight, and with a guy almost 10 years his junior!  
Levi crossed the road hurriedly. He’d decided he’d walk the distance home. That was to be his penance.

\- - -  
Part 2 (Erwin’s POV)

Erwin was part-way through his Friday night shift, it was nearing 2am. Up-until-now he’d had a pretty uneventful night. Pick-ups were steady, and he’d even enjoyed some fleeting conversations with a few of his more animated passengers.

Gunther came through on the radio, just as Erwin had dropped off his most recent fare. “Hi boss, can you do me a pick-up from Corps Nightclub, by the name of Jaeger?” “Sure Gunther.” Erwin replied. “I’ll head over there right away.”

The Corps Nightclub was a renowned, gay pick-up joint on the edge of the Maria District. Erwin had picked up many passengers from there during his years taxiing. And the colourful experience they brought to his work always stayed in his memories. Passengers wearing the most outrageous outfits: eye-wateringly tight; or so skimpy they were virtually the Emperor’s New Clothes. Passengers offering sexual favours in lieu of payment wasn’t uncommon, neither were the come-ons – and Erwin had had his fair share of both. Erwin chuckled at the memories.

Erwin eased the taxi onto the kerb outside the nightclub. He immediately noticed two guys, one tall and one considerably shorter going at it against the wall, like it was their last night on earth. Erwin sighed with the implication, and attempted to quash any unwanted thoughts that were trying to surface. Embarrassed to interrupt, Erwin slowly lowered his window and called “taxi for Jaeger?”

The men broke apart somewhat abruptly, and the taller of the two turned and nodded. He turned back to the shorter man, taking his hand and almost dragging him towards Erwin’s BMW. The smaller man appeared to wobble at bit on his way to the taxi. Erwin hoped to god that the guy wasn’t pissed, he couldn’t face the idea of cleaning vomit from the interior of his new car.

The back, driver-side door opened and the smaller guy slid into the taxi first, followed quickly by the taller one, who instructed Erwin to take them to Block 7 of the Rose District: a journey which Erwin calculated would take about 20 minutes. The guy followed up his destination request by urging Erwin to “take the quickest route.” Erwin nodded and prepared to roll the BMW off the kerb. Looking briefly in his rear-view mirror, he caught the quickest glance of the smaller man, whose head was back, relaxed against the headrest, eyes closed. Erwin recognised him immediately – Levi! Erwin’s heart rate quickened and his palms became sweaty, as they gripped the steering wheel tightly. He continued to glance back-and-forward between the road and Levi, who was now hidden from direct view by the taller passenger who had straddled him. “God” he thought to himself. “They are gonna fuck in the back of my cab”. Erwin tried hard to close his ears off to the assault of murmurs and moans coming from the back seat. He found himself trying so hard to concentrate on the road ahead his head began to throb, heart pounding in his ears.

He cautiously watched the two men grinding erotically against each other, tearing his eyes away periodically when the sight got too much for him to bare. Erwin continued to check his rear-view mirror, he couldn’t help it, though he knew he was just torturing himself by doing so. He noted a slight shift in Levi’s position behind the taller man, and then suddenly – eyes blown wide – grey met blue.

The intensity of the reciprocated stare held for longer than was comfortable made Erwin’s heart beat so fast he thought his chest would burst. Something stirred within him: irrational, uncontrollable desire – making him immediately rock hard, and filling him, again with feelings of intense shame. He silently admonished himself for being so turned on by this uncomfortable scene. Levi, thankfully broke the stare first. The movements and sounds of the two men lulled, and the taller of the two un-straddled Levi and returned to take his seat at the side of him. Erwin let out the breath he’d been holding for goodness knows how long.

Erwin drove as fast as the inner-district speed limits would allow. Desperate now for the journey to be over, feeling painfully uncomfortable – both physically and emotionally. He spared the odd, fleeting glance through the rear-view mirror at Levi, but the man had deftly shifted out of his vision.

Finally turning into Block 7 Erwin slowed the BMW to a stop, and before he had set the parking brake Levi was up and out of the taxi door, moving away, back into the shadows by the roadside. Erwin turned to face his rather sheepish looking passenger who thrust a £20 note at him and said “sorry about that mate, he’s a fucking horny one, that one. Here, keep the change.” Erwin grimaced at the implication, but took the fare none-the-less.

Once the man had departed from the taxi and shut the door Erwin sped away as quickly as possible. He immediately called up Gunther on his radio to tell him he was ending his shift early. Erwin’s mind was bombarded with a series of flashing images – of open mouths, naked flesh, pebbled nipples – but in all the images however, he was the voyeur, and never a participant.

It took all of Erwin’s strength to drive himself home. Parking the BMW and walking to his front door was all completed by a series of automatic, unthinking movements. His head was hung low, his feet dragging, his heart heavy, his senses numb. Closing the door behind him, Erwin slumped down onto the floor, raised his hands to his face, and cried hard and heavy as reality came crashing down around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Those boys eh. When will they ever learn.  
> Thanks for the kudos and the hits - keep 'em coming.  
> Hopefully I'll have C6 ready pretty soon.


	6. the duality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For some reason this chapter has proven challenging to write. A lot happens, with multiple scene changes, and I was uncertain of the flow and pace of the chapter, or whether I should split the content. However, I’ve spent as much time reworking it, as I’m willing to at the minute. Time to send it out there, to share with the rest of you. Enjoy.

Erwin was utterly spent, and empty, after he’d cried what felt like a river of tears. He’d managed to have enough wherewithal to head for a quick shower before changing and falling into bed at around 5am. He slept fitfully: tossing and turning, dreams full of anxieties, turmoil and pain. He stayed hidden away in his cool, darkened bedroom for the whole of Saturday, and most of Sunday – only leaving his bed to take a quick piss, or fetch himself a glass of water. 

By 2pm on Sunday afternoon Erwin begrudgingly got-up proper, and headed straight for the bathroom. He caught sight of himself in the large mirror hanging over the bathroom sink. He didn’t recognise the sight that looked back at him. His eyes were sunken, bearing dark rings beneath them, stubble was already thick over his broad face, his hair was dishevelled, his skin had taken on a rather pale and sickly looking pallor. His quite frankly appalling appearance shocked him. Erwin typically prided himself on being a well-adjusted person, who took great care and attention of both his appearance and wellbeing. 

He internally chided himself. He knew that his current situation could not continue. It was turning Erwin into someone he didn’t know, and more importantly someone he didn’t want to be. For the very first time in his life his irrational, emotional side had overshadowed his rational brain. And he knew he needed to fight hard to regain some semblance of normalcy. Even after the break-up of his last relationship, which had been particularly acrimonious, he’d never gotten himself in a state like this. Rather, he’d calmly accepted his new circumstances, and simply adapted. The opportunity to immerse himself in work had always helped him recover from life’s crises. He was the boss of an incredibly profitable and successful company first and foremost, and he needed to remember that. Surely that should provide him with sufficient impetus for him to get his act together. So he decided that would be his course of action now. It was either that, or watching things crumble down around him: and that wasn’t an option, it couldn’t be. Erwin couldn’t let his feelings (or whatever they were) for someone who to all intents-and-purposes was a stranger, and a total fucking enigma at that, destroy all he was, and all he had. Erwin would just have to move on, keep busy and hopefully soon he’d forget all about Levi.

Erwin filled the sink with warm water, washing his face, before lathering his face with a thick coating of foam ready to shave away his stubble. After a clean, close shave and a vigorous brush of his teeth, Erwin took a long shower. Opting to use a simple meditative technique to visualise his worries and stresses washing away from his body with the force of the water, and with them his irrational thoughts. He dressed in some causal trousers and a crisp t-shirt, feeling instantly more ‘Erwin’, before heading to the kitchen to make himself a strong coffee.

As he walked towards the kitchen, Erwin noticed his jacket on the floor by the front door. He realised he must have left it there on Friday night. He walked over to collect it and hang it on a hook by the front door, reaching in the inside pocket to retrieve his mobile phone. He noted his phone had only 8% battery left: he’d have to charge it. Also the screen showed 4 texts received and 2 missed calls, all from Mike. He decided he’d finish his coffee whilst enabling his phone to get a charge boost, then he’d ring Mike.

Around 4pm after two coffees and some thick, buttered toast, Erwin called Mike. He immediately offered to come round to Erwin’s – to “sink a few beers” – but Erwin suspected Mike had sensed something was wrong. Erwin was glad of the company to be honest, one more excuse not to dip back into a deep malaise. He asked Mike to pick up said beers on his way over, and he busied himself tidying the apartment before Mike arrived.

Erwin’s apartment wasn’t huge, but it was classy, smart. Erwin felt at home there, it was perfect for his needs. After his recent break-up he’d relinquished his 4-bed townhouse for a much smaller, bachelor pad, situated in Block 2 of Maria District, one of the most expensive and sought-after residential areas in the district. It was an aptly fitting residence for the boss of Titan Taxis.

Mike arrived around 5pm holding up a crate of beer, as Erwin answered the door. Erwin raised his eyebrows at the sight that met him, and smiling, he dutifully let his friend into the apartment. Mike headed straight for the kitchen, never one to stand on ceremony. Mike deftly cleared a whole shelf in the fridge to load it full of beer. He’d left two bottles in the crate, and passed one to Erwin, grabbing the other one for himself. They were room temperature, but neither man seemed to mind, opening them promptly they headed to sit in the lounge.

“Well I must say mate, you’re looking much better that I thought you would”. Mike said bluntly. “It’s amazing what some long over-due sleep and a clean shave can do Mike.” Erwin replied jokingly. Mike studied Erwin’s face closely, he always seemed to sense what Erwin was thinking or feeling, or had the ability to root it out. They’d been friends for as long as Erwin could remember, and he was more honest with Mike than he was (or would ever be) with anyone else.

“I had a bit of a blip on Friday mate”. Erwin admitted. “But it’s all good now”, he quickly followed up as reassuringly as possible. But clearly avoiding retelling any of the painful detail. “Oh – a blip was it?” Mike enquired teasingly. “Is that why you went incommunicado for over 36 hours?” “Sorry about that Mike, it won’t happen again. I just needed some headspace to get things out of my system, you know”. Erwin said apologetically. “Well if that’s what you needed, who am I to argue.” Mike said “But I’m always here you know, you can tell me anything, I’ll never think any less of you”. “I know Mike” Erwin replied. “Thanks” he quickly followed up.

Erwin moved off the sofa to put on some music, he kept the volume low to facilitate their conversation, but like the previous time Mike had come around ‘to talk’, Erwin needed the comfort of a background distraction. As he moved back towards the sofa he found himself admitting to Mike “I picked him up again on Friday”. Mike looked at Erwin, eyebrow raised, but as usual he stayed silent to elicit more information from Erwin, at a pace he was comfortable with. “From Corps”. Erwin said solemnly. He knew Mike would pick up on the implication immediately, and he wasn’t wrong. “Oh” Mike said his eyebrow raising slightly higher. “Yes – oh – and he wasn’t alone”. Erwin winced, trying not to allow his voice to falter at the admission. “I can’t see a way forward Mike, so I’m gonna try my best to put all of it: whatever it is” he waived his hand in his general direction “… behind me”. “Will you help me?” He pleaded. “Sure mate”. Mike said, trying to reassure Erwin as much as he was able.

A few minutes passed in silence, then Erwin said much more stoically. “We need to plan for the week ahead Mike, you happy to talk shop for a while?” “Sure Erwin” Mike said compliantly – he knew what Erwin needed most, and that was a suitable distraction. “I’ve had an idea actually about Thursday night’s corporate event Erwin” Mike said, a sheepish grin spreading across his face. “Can you remember the full itinerary for the evening?” he asked Erwin. Erwin’s eyebrows furrowed in thought – he’d been off his game recently, and was eternally grateful for Mike’s impeccable attention to detail. “Remind me Mike, if you will?” Erwin said warmly.

Mike gladly acquiesced to Erwin’s request, reminding him that they were attending a big corporate event at the Rose Rooms, a high class hotel chain, indeed one of the largest and best in the District. The evening would commence with a friendly, virtual golf tournament. Then Erwin, Mike and his Contract Manager, Armin would meet first with a Physiotherapy outfit from Sina, looking to establish a contract with Titan Taxis. Then the main event, a potentially hugely profitable contract meeting with the CEO of Rose Rooms, Keith Shadis, and his Contract Manager. The evening was to be rounded off with access to a free bar, curtesy of their hosts. It sounded like a busy evening, requiring significant preparations: perfect for Erwin to throw himself into. These two potential new contracts could ensure the company’s financial stability for years to come. Erwin felt a spark of excitement.

“So what’s your idea Mike? Come on, let me hear it?” Erwin asked smiling. He knew Mike so well, he was certain Mike’s plans would involve something boyish, but great fun none-the-less. “Well …” Mike began.

And that’s how Erwin, together with Mike and Armin found themselves striding into the virtual golf hall at the Rose Rooms dressed rather strikingly in plus fours. Colours coordinated clearly with the livery colours of Titan Taxis – blue and white check, with knitted tank-tops bearing the taxi firm’s wings logo. One entering the hall the three of them attracted plenty of stares, but they sure looked the part, just good enough to appear mildly intimidating. (Clearly just the look Mike had been angling for!) Mike (and secretly, Erwin too) were pretty competitive by nature, losing this ‘friendly’ golf tournament just wasn’t an option, especially for Mike who was wearing his very intense ‘game face’. Erwin was happy to play along. Armin, bless him, looked far less comfortable in his outfit, and he baulked slightly at all the interest they’d attracted from the other guests in the hall.

The tournament ended up being incredibly competitive, but great fun all the same. It was obvious that when a group of men (and yes, the crowd in the hall consisted entirely of men Erwin had noted) got together they would quickly relish the inter-company competitiveness. Armin ended up 4 over par, Erwin 1 under par (a birdie) and Mike an impressive 3 under par (an albatross). Unsurprisingly they won the tournament hands-down. And Erwin did all he could to talk Mike out of covering their glory in the magnum of champagne they’d won as their prize.  
Quickly it was time to ditch their plus fours and change into their more sedate business apparel, to complete the two key contract meetings of the evening. They used a curtesy suite in the hotel to change. Their first meeting took place in a small conference room, kindly provided by the hotel for their use. Erwin, Mike and Armin consecutively shook the hands of the MD of the physiotherapy chain (Healing Sanctuary) – Darius Zachly, and then with his Contract Manager, Nile Dok.

During the meeting they explored the detail of the potential contract between the two companies. It was finally agreed that Titan Taxis would provide patient transport, to and from the three clinics owned by the chain, for those patients not requiring ambulance transportation. Titan Taxis would receive a fixed fee per mile, paid by the clinic, in lieu of the patient’s insurance claim. Erwin was particularly pleased they wouldn’t have to carry that financial risk. They’d then review the contract after six months of delivery. They shook hands again to seal the deal, with Armin and Nile agreeing to communicate directly to draw-up and finalise the contract paperwork. It was a better outcome that Erwin had been expecting, and he felt positively buoyed heading to his next meeting.

The three of them, Erwin, Mike and Armin were ushered into the main boardroom at the Rose Rooms for their next meeting. On entering, they were immediately faced with a huge, oval, walnut table. They dutifully took their places at the far end of the table, the three of them lined up on one side. Erwin seated closest to the head of the table, Mike sitting by his side, and Armin flanking Mike’s right. A server from the hotel entered the room bringing a jug of iced water and 5 glasses, setting them on the table before informing them Mr Shadis (the company’s CEO) and Mr Ackerman (the Contract Manager) would be with them momentarily. They waited in respectful silence for the two men to appear.

The boardroom doors opened after about a five minute wait. Erwin rose automatically, his hand extended to meet Keith Shadis. The older man smiled in recognition, pointedly avoiding Erwin’s extended hand, choosing to embrace the tall man instead. He then proceeded to shake Mike and Armin’s hand, firmly and warmly as Erwin introduced them. Before seating himself opposite Erwin, Keith tipped his head towards a smaller, dark-haired man who had also entered the room, behind Keith. He announced the smaller man as his Contract Manager, Levi Ackerman. Erwin turned instinctively, hand extended again and caught the startled gaze of his Levi – dressed immaculately in a sharp, figure hugging black suit - grey eyes wide, holding an expression full of surprised panic.

Levi took Erwin’s hand somewhat reluctantly and shook his hand, as Keith introduced Erwin as the boss of Titan Taxis. With that admission Levi’s eyes widened further, but he’d now adopted a flat stare, and he released Erwin’s hand quickly. Levi merely nodded at Mike and Armin before taking his place at the table, on the left side of Keith, across from Erwin. Mike threw Erwin a questioning glance, fortunately unnoticed by the other three men. Erwin chose to ignore Mike and cleared his throat to speak. 

Erwin thanked both Mr Shadis and Mr Ackerman for their time and generous hospitality. “I’ve just been hearing about your success in the golf tournament earlier Erwin” Keith interjected. “If the rumours are correct you’re just as ruthless in your business dealings as you are at play. Go gentle on me tonight son”. Keith said playfully. “I’ll try” Erwin replied, feeling a flush rise across his face, and trying hard to avoid Levi’s gaping stare. Erwin pushed his feelings of embarrassment aside and headed straight into the meeting agenda. Shadis continued to be playful throughout the meeting. Though he was clearly an incredibly astute business associate, trying at every possible opportunity to drive down Erwin’s suggested price-points, to secure a better deal for his company. Erwin remained firm, explaining the value for money his costing structured ensured, and by the end of a somewhat gruelling thirty minute meeting, they’d reached a compromise that both parties were happy with. Erwin couldn’t have felt more empowered, and praised himself for not letting Levi’s presence affect him.

During the meeting Mike had spoken-up a number of times, merely to furnish the conversation with the detail needed to reinforce Erwin’s business case. As expected both Armin and Levi said very little, preferring to take notes and fervently annotate the draft contract Erwin had supplied. Thankfully Levi showed no sign of knowing Erwin, and in fact he barely looked at him. When it came to wrapping-up the meeting and arranging the administrative finalisation of the contract, much to Mike and Armin’s surprise Erwin agreed to meet personally with Levi, the following Monday to finalise the contract details. Both Mike and Erwin knew this wasn’t Erwin’s usual modus-operandi, but they knew better than to question him, especially in front of an important client.

Erwin continued to feel positive as the meeting came to close. He was embraced warmly again by Keith Shadis, who enthusiastically welcomed their future working arrangements. Erwin even managed to shake Levi’s hand a second time, this time though their eyes did not meet. Before the two men exited the boardroom, Shadis reminded Erwin about the complementary bar he’d laid on, for which Erwin, again expressed his deepest gratitude.

After the two men left, Mike took it upon himself to first congratulate Erwin, the then excuse Armin. Telling the blonde, young man he could take advantage of the free bar, or head straight home – giving him the choice. Mike reassured both men that he’d take responsibility for the belongings they had left in the complementary suite at the hotel. Armin politely thanked him, gathered up his notes, said his goodbyes and quietly left the boardroom. Leaving Mike and Erwin alone.

“So that was Levi?” Mike stated pointedly, looking at Erwin. “Yes, it was”. Erwin replied quietly. “Hmmm!” was all Mike to muster in response. “Here was the last place I was expecting to encounter him Mike, honest”. Erwin said. “I think I held it together quite well considering”. He quickly followed up. Mike shook his head and merely said “let’s go get a beer, or perhaps something a bit stronger. I think we both deserve it”. “Okay” Erwin replied, preoccupied by turning his mobile back on, and noticing a number of messages that clearly needed his immediate attention. “Let me just deal with these messages Mike. I’ll meet you at the bar as soon as I’m done here”. Distracted by doubling checking the messages, Erwin failed to even notice Mike leaving the boardroom.

Erwin spent the next forty minutes trouble-shooting with various staff at TT’s HQ. The taxi radio system was working only intermittently and Erwin was needed to authorise and then explain how to use the more antiquated bleeper system, to help prop-up the lack of radio coverage. His head was swimming when he finally left the boardroom, he decided to head straight to the bar to find Mike. He saw Mike immediately, he was seated at the bar and in deep conversation with a pretty woman, who was working behind the bar. Erwin approached Mike, and he turned on his bar-stool to greet him, with a nod. Then he pointedly gestured towards the bar’s seating area, where Erwin spotted Levi, sat alone at a round table, surrounded by numerous empty shot glasses. “He’s been there all his time, just sinking one-after-the-other”. Mike said. Erwin ordered a light beer from the women Mike had been talking to, grabbing his bottle he headed straight over to Levi’s table. He felt Mike’s gaze fall upon his back, but he knew Mike would let him do what he thought was necessary, so he paid him no mind.

Erwin sat at Levi’s table, choosing a seat next to Levi. Levi’s gaze was directed low onto the table, he didn’t even look up when Erwin sat down. Then suddenly he said “not taxiing tonight Erwin”. Erwin exhaled a breath, tainted with a low chuckle. “No, not tonight”. He replied gently. “Playing at boss man then?” Levi shot back, “or did you just fancy come cheap company?” He followed up harshly. “Not especially Levi” Erwin replied in answer to the latter of Levi’s questions. Then he suddenly followed with “why, are you in need of some?” “I can get some whenever I like” Levi spat in reply, a slur evident in his voice. As much as Levi tried to, he was still unable to meet Erwin’s stare. “Oh, I’m well aware of that Levi” Erwin replied with a droll tone.

“Tsk” Levi clicked his tongue at Erwin, grabbing his shot glass by the rim and lifting it to his mouth, downing the shot in one gulp, grimacing slightly at the burn. “What the fuck do you want Erwin?” “I don’t want anything Levi” Erwin replied, “but I think you want to go home, before you embarrass yourself at your place of work. It clearly looks like you’ve had enough”. “What the fuck would you know?” Levi’s voice raising harshly and his eyes finally meeting Erwin’s – glazed grey trying hard to focus on blue. “I know enough” Erwin whispered.

“Look I’m offering to take you home, if you want”. Erwin said to Levi. “Oh yeah you’re the man with the taxi”. Levi replied sarcastically. He then huffed, eased himself into a stand, but forcing his chair back with a crash when he did so. “Come on then Mr Taxi Driver, let’s go!” “Fine”. Erwin replied, trying hard not to grit his teeth, at the state of Levi. “Let’s go, your taxi awaits” he continued trying to match Levi’s sarcasm. But the inclination was lost of Levi who was wobbling forward on incredibly unsteady legs. Erwin moved to try and gently usher Levi out of the bar area, and although Levi’s first instance was to resist, he found he didn’t have the energy to do so, and Erwin felt the smaller man relax into Erwin’s hand which was pressed against his back. As the two men left, Erwin threw Mike a pained, and apologetic glance, shrugging at him exhaustedly before exiting the bar with Levi.

Erwin directed Levi as carefully as he could to his BMW which was situated in the parking garage under the hotel complex. Settling Levi in the passenger seat of the car, Erwin rounded to the driver’s side and got in. Erwin clipped in Levi’s seatbelt first, having to lean over Levi’s now semi-prone figure to pull his seatbelt over. Then he buckled his own seatbelt, risking a quick, final glance a Levi, who was now laid back against the leather seat, eyes closed, before Erwin set off to leave the parking garage.

Sina Apartments were about a twenty minute drive from the Rose Rooms, and considering his seemingly semi-conscious passenger, Erwin expected the journey to be completed in comfortable silence. His instincts were wrong.

Levi began to stir after about ten minutes into the ride, humming himself into consciousness and swivelling in his seat to face Erwin. “Hmmmm – so horny” Levi stated breathlessly, rubbing his groin in a particularly lewd manner and beginning to rotate his hips and ass, grinding into the car’s leather seat. Levi’s gaze remained glazed and hooded. “God damn it”. Erwin thought. He looked so fucking erotic. Erwin was forced to use all his strength to tear his eyes away from Levi’s writhing form, to keep his focus on the road. He was determined to resist Levi tonight, well as best as he could.

“Touch me big guy.” Levi requested, leaning over to wildly grab at Erwin’s hand, pulling it forcibly off the steering wheel, and pressing it and holding down onto Levi’s crotch, which was rock hard with his arousal. Erwin was temporarily stunned, finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate on driving. His own arousal stirring. “Fuck”, he had to resist. But Levi was bucking upwards into Erwin’s hand. God, he was so hard! “No!” The declaration tearing painfully from the back of Erwin’s throat. “I don’t want this Levi”. He said firmly, more to persuade himself than the other man. 

Erwin finally wrenched his hand away from Levi’s crotch, and his hold, and returned it firmly to the steering wheel. Gripping the wheel, whilst attempting to still his pounding heart. Moments later Levi lurched right towards Erwin, his head lolling heavily onto Erwin’s groin, his small frame spanning the space taken by the car’s gearstick, his dead weight settling on Erwin’ crotch. Erwin immediately slammed on his foot brake, and swerved the BMW into the edge of the road, parking up as safely as he could, given the circumstances.

“Let me suck you off then”. Levi pleaded, slurring his words breathlessly, and mouthing warmly and roughly at Erwin’s crotch. Levi then proceeded to move across a flailing, and rather uncoordinated right arm, hands tugging somewhat fruitlessly at Erwin’s fly. Hot breaths permeating cloth. Erwin’s cock hardened lewdly: again his body betraying his sensibilities. Levi pounced on Erwin’s stirring arousal, and despite his inebriated state, he deftly mouthed and palmed Erwin’s cock erotically. Panting heavily, making desperate purring sounds which vibrated through Erwin’s core.

“No Levi, stop!” Erwin said firmly, applying some considerable force, pushing against Levi’s forehead in an attempt to get Levi sitting upright again. “I don’t want this” Erwin reiterated this time more self-assured. He pushed harder against Levi’s forehead and managed this time to return him to his seated position. Levi pouted at Erwin’s actions, his eyes remaining glazed and fixed. “I need to get you home Levi before we both do something we’ll undoubtedly regret”. He nearly tagged on “again” to the end of his statement, but stopped himself. Erwin wondered whether he was verbalising his refusal of Levi more for his own sake, than for Levi’s.

Erwin secretly prayed that Levi wouldn’t test him a third time, because he suspected if he did, Erwin probably wouldn’t be able to hold his composure. Blood raged through Erwin’s veins, oxygenated by pure lust. The desire to fuck Levi into oblivion was overwhelming, Erwin had no idea how he was managing the resist these animalistic urges. He wanted to take him hard, much harder than he’d taken him in the apartment. He wanted nothing more than to split Levi open with his throbbing cock, take satisfaction in watching him unravel, pound into him until the only thing Levi knew was Erwin. Erwin desired nothing more than to exert his power over Levi. Breaking him with pain and pleasure. Taking ownership of him, and spoiling him for all others. Erwin knew his rationality was all but gone, replaced with rampant lust, his mind swimming in filth and thoughts of pure domination. Erwin visibly shook at the ferocity in which this unrecognisable persona had taken hold of him, his typically rational judgment obscured.

Erwin surprised himself by being able to complete the remainder of the journey to Sina Apartments in record time. He really didn’t recall how they’d arrived there, what he did know was that his limbs felt heavy on the steering wheel, his mind shattered by the intense strength of his emotional state. Erwin knew he’d all but lost himself, his reactions to Levi uncontrollable. All this was becoming far too dangerous now. “No” Erwin reassured himself silently, as long as his thoughts didn’t give way to actions he’d remain on the right-side of that fine line he was treading.

His rational brain reminded Erwin that there was an added dimension now, one that would surely halt any further threat of danger. Levi was now a client, or at least his boss was. And Erwin forced himself to accept that he must proceed with the upmost caution. He knew he wasn’t foolish enough to risk his work over his animalistic urges. He knew he’d just have to strategize his next move carefully, that’s how he dealt with work issues, and that had to be the sensible anchor he needed to ground him again. He attempted to convince himself of this course of action as he glanced over at the prone figure, lying beside him. Fear and trepidation threatened to surface, and Erwin promptly swallowed it back down. He wasn’t 100% certain he could fool himself into thinking rationally, or clearly when it came to Levi. Somehow the man had lit a raging fire in Erwin’s soul.

Erwin realised they’d been parked outside Sina Apartments for a considerable time and Levi hadn’t stirred once. His breathing had regulated to short, steady huffs. Erwin gently unclipped both of their seatbelts, exiting the driver’s side quietly to round the taxi. He mentally steeled himself to wake the sleeping man. Opening the passenger door, Erwin carefully unravelled the seatbelt from Levi’s petite form. He still hadn’t stirred. Erwin lifted Levi up, by placing one hand under the crook of his knees and the other one gently around his shoulders. Levi was heavier than he looked, and under his crumbled suit, Erwin felt the tautness of his muscles. Levi unconsciously shifted closer, leaning into Erwin’s warm embrace, resting his head against Erwin’s chest. Erwin could feel his gentle huffing breaths, through his shirt - slowly warming his skin.

As Erwin carried Levi across the carpark, through the front doors and into the lift lobby he felt the smaller man begin to stir. Peeking out of fluttering lids, avoiding the harsh glare of the bright lobby lights, before burrowing his face back into Erwin’s chest, and letting out a croaky little moan. Erwin called the lift, using the hand under Levi’s knees to press the left button, trying carefully not to jolt Levi fully awake with his movements.

As the lift arrived Erwin entered the space and pressed number 5, recalling Levi doing the same on the day of the move. The gentle movement of the ascending lift calmed Erwin, his heart-rate was almost back to normal. The lift took them swiftly to floor 5, and a shrill ding alerted Erwin to their arrival at the floor. Levi mumbled something into Erwin’s chest that Erwin didn’t quite catch, so he closed the distance between their faces, gently encouraging Levi to speak again. “Flat 514” Levi said sleepily. “Jacket pocket”. Erwin frowned, then realised Levi must be referring to location of his apartment keys. Erwin draped Levi’s arms around his shoulders and relied upon Levi’s instinct to grip tight, so he could free one hand from holding Levi to fumble in his pocket for the keys.

Keeping his hand free, clutching Levi’s keys, Erwin carried Levi to the door of flat 514. He opened the door, and turned his back towards the door to stop it swinging back onto the two of them. He quickly padded through the apartment, heading for the living area, which he could see through an open door off the hallway. He wasn’t going to risk trying the other closed doors to look for Levi’s bedroom, so he chose to settle Levi down onto the sofa. Levi sunk immediately into deep cushions. Erwin spotted a knitted throw on the chair and grabbed it to cover Levi. 

He wrapped his small form in the throw, and paused briefly to watch Levi’s breathing steady again. He looked so angelic, and the irony wasn’t lost on Erwin. Both men seemed to oscillate readily between dual personalities. Levi from some kind of cock slut, to a vulnerable, fragile soul. Erwin himself had quickly transformed from a pseudo-sexual predator to a caring acquaintance. Erwin sighed deeply, realising the conflict within him, within the both of them – suspecting it was unlikely to ever be resolved. He turned to exit the apartment unwilling to stay watching Levi sleep any longer, though it evidently pained him to leave. Erwin left Levi’s keys on the coffee table, before retracing his steps back out of the apartment, ensuring the door was locked behind him. He headed back into the lift, arriving quickly into the harsh glare of the lift lobby, then stepping quickly out into the night.


	7. the predator

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin finally gives in to his predatory side and crosses the line.  
> His actions threaten to destroy both himself and Levi.  
> Will he find a way back from the darkness that has consumed him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The content of this chapter (specifically the latter half) is explicit and extreme in nature, with the implication that the encounter described is non-consensual. Please be aware should you have certain sensibilities. Skip the latter half if you wish. The start of the following chapter will give you sufficient gist of what occurs between Erwin and Levi. Though heaven knows how the boys are ever going to come back from this.

Incredibly Erwin felt so much more like his ‘normal’ self when Monday came around, it felt like he’d finally turned a corner. He’d decided not to taxi on the Friday night, after Thursday’s corporate event. But he had popped into HQ to speak to Mike and Armin, again reinforcing the positive outcome of the two meetings the previous evening, and checking with Armin that he’d have all the necessary paperwork ready for Erwin to take to the Rose Rooms on Monday. Erwin spent his weekend at the gym, shopping to stock-up on food for the week, and cleaning his apartment. He spent his evenings watching TV, alone, but content. His thoughts only strayed to Levi when he’d woken up with a morning erection (which happened on Friday, Saturday, Sunday AND Monday morning). He’d enjoyed satisfying his needs, concentrating on the better parts of Levi to help get himself off, spending his post-orgasm after-shocks in complete bliss.

He knew he’d have to face Levi on Monday, but would be in a setting where Erwin felt in total control, so Erwin tried to bury his anxieties deep down. To be honest he wasn’t even sure Levi would remember much of Thursday night – he had been so wasted. If he did, it was Levi’s place to carry the burden of embarrassment, not Erwin. 

Erwin headed into HQ early on Monday morning, freshly showered, and dressed in a navy-blue suit with a baby-blue shirt. He looked the part: smart, professional, in control – now he just needed to play the part. He pulled his BMW into his personal parking spot at HQ, and strode with an air of confidence into the building. He nodded to Connie Springer, who was on the comm. Connie raised his hand in a wave, and continued with his radio conversation, probably with one of the drivers. Erwin headed straight to his office, fired up his PC and hung his suit jacket over the back of his office chair. He decided to pop and get a strong coffee whilst waiting for his PC to boot-up, so he grabbed his mug from the desk and walked over to the kitchen area.

The kitchen facilities were divided into two areas: a basic kitchenette, designed to serve the needs of the staff and drivers, who frequently returned to HQ for their breaks; and a seated area, replete with battered chairs and sofas, separated from the kitchenette by a flimsy screen. Erwin became aware of a couple of his drivers sat in the lounge-area, when their animated voices travelled over the sound of the boiling kettle. He could hear Reiner Braun’s voice. Reiner was a fairly new driver. Erwin had been reluctant to employ him, Erwin found him cocky and overbearing. But Mike, in his infinite wisdom had persuaded Erwin otherwise. Reiner loved himself and always sought the opportunity to be the centre of attention – this morning he clearly had a captive audience, dangling on his every word. His over-confidence reminded Erwin that Reiner had even tried to come onto him once during a company drinks night. Erwin had politely declined Reiner’s advances, and since then Reiner had been pretty antsy with Erwin. The guy clearly didn’t appreciate having his ego bruised.

As the kettle slowed after its rapid boil, Erwin grabbed a jar of coffee, spooning a good heap into his mug, and pouring over the boiled water. He took his coffee strong and black. Without the distraction of the boiling kettle, Erwin could hear what Reiner was saying more clearly now, and he leaned in to listen. Erwin reminded himself that it always helped to keep abreast of work-place gossip, and keep a check on the behaviour and attitudes of his more challenging personnel. “I consider it perk of the job mate”. Reiner was saying. “What fool would turn down a blow-job”. “The guy was practically begging me to fuck his tiny mouth”. Erwin leaned in closer to the dividing screen, this was certainly a conversation he needed to hear. It didn’t surprise him in the slightest that Reiner was prepared to exploit passengers for his own gratification. Of course it was a step too far, Erwin felt clear about that, but he was determined to wait, hidden and in silence just long enough for the guy to hang himself by telling the rest of his story in earshot of Erwin. 

“So come on then, give me the whole story Reiner. I wanna hear everything”. Erwin realised the other guy speaking was Bertolt Hoover, another one of his drivers. “Sure. I took a job from Corps, early Saturday morning”. Reiner began. “You know what Corps customers are like eh? Anyhow this guy was wasted, I mean totally fucked. He asked me to take him to Sina Apartments, but halfway there he mumbled something about losing his wallet.” “Oh aye”. Bertolt retorted. “I told him there was another way to pay his fare, and I asked him to suck me off. He was so small he looked like a teenage twink – sleek black hair, such a cute face, an almost child-like body. And god he had the tiniest of mouths, but fuck could he suck cock”. “Fuck”. Bertolt replied. “You lucky bastard”. “Yeah, the filthy slut swallowed everything I gave him, and I can assure you it was a full load. It almost choked him. I then dropped him at Sina Apartments, he was so wasted I left him sat on the ground in the carpark”. “I’m definitely gonna accept more pick-ups from Corps”. Bertolt said. “Yeah, me too – I wouldn’t mind the chance to spear that guy next time. I bet I’d split his tiny ass in two”. Reiner replied creepily.

Erwin had heard enough, blood was raging in his ears, his fists were balled, and his whole body was shaking with blood-lust. He knew exactly who Reiner was taking about, and it made him feel physically sick with rage. Erwin tore apart the flimsy screen, catching a shocked looking Reiner in his sights. He leapt over the chair in front of him, and lunged at Reiner, punching him straight in the face with all his force. Blood burst from Reiner’s nose, and Erwin proceeded to hit him again and again. Reiner went down to the floor, his hands shakily attempting to cover his face. Bertolt shouted something Erwin didn’t catch. Erwin felt rabid, and proceeded to kick Reiner, as hard as he could, in the ribs. If Mike hadn’t entered the kitchen alerted by the sounds of Bertolt’s shouts, Erwin suspected him might have killed the guy, his rage was uncontrollable. Mike pulled Erwin off, and Erwin stood looming over Reiner’s huddled and broken form. He spat on him, expelling the disgust he felt, then he said, “I don’t wanna see your fucking face again Reiner. Get the fuck out of here you seedy fucking bastard and don’t come back”. He stomped out of the door, leaving Mike and Bertolt to help Reiner up off the floor and tend to his wounds.

Erwin sat in his office, looking at the bruises forming on his knuckles. He wasn’t going to admonish himself for beating up Reiner, the twat deserved it. He’d do it again in a heartbeat. The thought of Levi, yes he felt sure that’s who Reiner had been describing, having to suck off the smarmy bastard’s feted cock, just to get home safe, make Erwin sick to his stomach. He also felt angry that Levi’s actions were starting to permeate into his working life, making him appear foolish and weak. He knew pummelling Reiner’s face was an attempt to regain some sense of control. He was the boss, when all said and done, and he wouldn’t be made a fool of by anyone – not by a dick like Reiner, and certainly not by Levi. As Mike entered his office, Erwin silently resolved to deal with Levi later.

“I heard the gist of the story from Bertolt, Erwin. Clearly you overheard Reiner bragging about abusing his position, and exploiting a passenger’s vulnerabilities. I can understand your anger for sure, I’m just not certain why you took it to the extreme Erwin. Beating the guy to a pulp, rather than just firing his ass on the spot”. Erwin looked up at Mike’s questioning stare. “He fucking deserved it, he’s had it coming for weeks now. And I will not tolerate that kind of behaviour from any of my drivers Mike, period!” “Okay Erwin, I get it”. Mike replied. “I just don’t get you. Think long and hard about the person you’re becoming Erwin. Do it before you lose yourself completely. I barely recognise who you are mate”. Erwin started to compose an angry reply, but Mike had already moved to leave the office, and Erwin just huffed and sunk back into his chair.

Erwin stayed in his office for most of the day, answering emails and taking calls. Connie kept Erwin topped up with coffee, but no-one else dared enter his office, so he was mainly left to his own devices. Armin arrived to meet with Erwin just after 2.30pm, to go through his final draft of the contract with the Rose Rooms. Briefing Erwin sufficiently to allow him to handle himself in the meeting with Levi, set for just after 4pm. Erwin began to regret ever offering to handle the contract meeting himself, but he listened to Armin’s advice and studied the contract meticulously to ensure he was fully prepared for his meeting. Mike popped his head into Erwin’s office at 3.30pm to wish him good luck for his meeting, and offering him a brief apology for his harsh tone earlier. Erwin took it all in good grace, and thanked Mike for his concern, though reiterating that it wasn’t necessary. Mike didn’t reply – Erwin was glad, he didn’t want to get into any kind of heated discussion right then and there, he’d got other, more pressing concerns on his mind. Before leaving the office Erwin followed Armin’s last piece of advice and quickly emailed a copy of the draft contract over to Levi. He then promptly shut down his computer and headed out for his meeting.

Erwin arrived in the reception lobby of Rose Rooms with minutes to spare. He introduced himself at the main reception desk, and was ushered into the seating area to wait for Levi. Levi appeared about 4.15pm, Erwin wasn’t sure whether his tardiness was deliberate, but Levi made no mention of his lateness, so neither did Erwin. “Pleased to see you again Mr Smith”. Levi said to Erwin. “Likewise Mr Ackerman”. Erwin replied. “I thought we could use my office for our meeting Mr Smith, if that’s okay with you?” “Fine Mr Ackerman, whatever suits you.” “Okay, follow me”. Erwin detected a slight playfulness, and a hint of sarcasm in Levi’s voice and Erwin was more than happy to play along.

Erwin followed Levi through a huge doorway and into the back rooms of the hotel. Levi’s office was situated at the end of a long corridor. Levi opened the door, and stepped aside to allow Erwin to enter first. The office was a good size, and immaculately tidy. Rows of colour-coordinated box-files lined the shelves, and Levi’s desk was free of any typical clutter. Levi ushered Erwin to a seat positioned at the side of the desk, only a foot or so away from Levi’s chair. “I trust you received my email Mr Ackerman”. Erwin said. “Armin thought it would be prudent to send you through a copy, so we can agree and make changes to the document here, during our meeting”. “I did thanks”. Levi replied. “Do you want a coffee or something?” Levi offered. “No thanks” Erwin replied, “I’d rather just get down to business”. Levi’s eyebrow arched slightly at Erwin’s phrasing. “If that’s okay with you, of course”. Erwin quickly added. “Fine” Levi replied. “Let’s get down to it”. Relishing in the playfulness of his words, Levi stole a quick glance at Erwin, taking in his mildly flushed cheeks.

Together they actually worked pretty efficiently. Steered mainly by Levi’s expertise they combed through the detail of the contract, making minor alterations to the text, or changing typos. They wrestled to agree about the complete re-phrasing of a clause in the contract, but managed after a lengthy debate to reach a compromise. Levi tapped away on his keypad, making the changes they’d agreed and happily accepting verbal prompts from Erwin. The contract was a pretty hefty document, over 50 pages in length, but time seemed to fly by, aided mainly by their evidently compatible working approach. When they finalised the contract, Levi saved the final document, and emailed copies to Erwin, Armin and Keith for final review. 

It had gotten dark out, and it was only then that Erwin realised what time it was, 6.55pm, they’d been working on the contract amends for almost 3 hours. He hadn’t expected to finish so late. “It’s very late, I never realised how late it was. Can I drop you off at your apartment?” Erwin enquired. “You don’t have to keep doing this”, Levi replied. “I really don’t mind – let me at least take partial responsibility for making you so late finishing work. I am more than happy to drop you off. Think of it as part of the service.” Erwin flashed a smooth smile at Levi. “If that’s all it is” Levi muttered to himself. “I take pride in getting people home safe and sound, regardless of the circumstances Levi.” Erwin said reassuringly.

After a brief pause Levi looked directly at Erwin and enquired sheepishly. “Are you referring to the other night, by any chance?” “No I wasn’t actually” Erwin replied, holding Levi’s stare. “I was actually thinking about something that happened this morning. I had to sack one of my drivers for abusing his position and exploiting a vulnerable passenger.” “Oh” Levi said quietly. “What happened?” He asked his voice wavering slightly, but managing to keep looking directly at Erwin, just. “Well I beat the crap out of him, if you really want to know. He’d admitted to forcing one of his passengers, who was clearly drunk, to give him a blow-job, instead of paying his fare” Erwin said pretty matter-of-factly, still looking straight at Levi. “Oh, I see”. Levi said. Erwin noticed flush appearing on the tips of Levi’s ears and the faint trace of a smirk on his lips, before Levi quickly looked away.

“Come on then, let’s go”. Erwin said firmly, moving to stand. “I’m parked just in the visitor bays by the front entrance”. “Ok” Levi said, “erm ... thanks, just let me shut things down and lock up here, I’ll be with you shortly”. Erwin crossed the room, left Levi’s office, retracing his steps down the long corridor and out into the hotel’s reception. His face stoic, his thoughts for once clear: the game had begun.

Erwin idled the engine of the BMW, waiting for Levi. He had a plan, and he felt certain he’d be able to execute it to his satisfaction. Regaining control, and reasserting his power were his main objectives. He knew he’d always previously lost himself around Levi, and for once this wasn’t going to happen. For once his rational mind would complement his instincts to dominate, and take what he desired. That was the Erwin Levi needed to see, that was the Erwin Levi deserved to experience.

Erwin watched Levi exit the hotel lobby and head over to the car. He felt a slight flutter in his stomach, one of pure excitement. Levi passed around the front of the car to the passenger side, opened the door and slid in. He grabbed the seatbelt, pulling it over his body and clipping it in. “All set?” Erwin asked, dazzling blue eyes seeking out grey. “Yep!” Levi replied, holding Erwin’s gaze for a heartbeat. “I’ve got to attend to a rather pressing matter on the way to drop you off Levi, I hope you don’t mind, it shouldn’t take too long”. “Fine”. Levi replied, his gaze now fixed looking out of the side window. 

Erwin began their journey by taking the familiar route back to Sina Apartments, but about 10 minutes in, he veered off the main roads and headed towards the industrial zone of Block 4. Erwin sensed Levi shuffling in his seat, but he remained silent, not even bothering to ask Erwin where they were headed. Erwin pulled into a large, industrial yard, it was actually one of Erwin’s property acquisitions. “This is one of my properties Levi, one of the sites I had considered for Titan’s HQ”. “Oh”. Levi replied flatly, eyes still fixed out of the window. Erwin rolled the BMW to a stop around the side of the main building in the yard, a position he knew was not overlooked by any neighbouring properties. “You might as well get out of the car Levi”. He suggested, coolly. Levi didn’t reply immediately, clearly thinking about Erwin’s suggestion. After Erwin had exited the car, and moved to rest against the bonnet, he heard Levi open the passenger door. He sighed deeply, trying hard to calm his racing heartbeat. 

Levi eventually rounded the car to stand close to Erwin, he probably suspected Erwin was waiting for someone, but he still didn’t question why they were there. Erwin cleared his throat, and said in the steadiest, most commanding tone he could muster “get down on your knees Levi”. Levi’s eyes widened and his mouth opened to form a wide ‘o’ in response to Erwin’s request. Erwin didn’t want to give Levi any opportunity to answer back, so he changed his tone to a demand “on your knees, now!” He pointed at the ground in front of him, to emphasise his point. A wave of relief washed over him when Levi dutifully did as requested. He had anticipated more resistance from Levi, and he was surprised how quickly he had acquiesced.

Erwin looked down at Levi kneeing on the ground in front of him, the sight almost proved to be his undoing. Levi’s eyes were low and hooded, his mouth pursed, his face full of apprehension, his body shaking gently – he looked so fucking perfect. Erwin buttoned his fly and opened his zipper, easing his hard, weeping erection out of his suit trousers and saying in a low, husky voice “you’re gonna suck my cock Levi”. Levi looked at Erwin’s cock, eyes flashing steel grey, he licked his lips and opened them wide. “You’re gonna suck it hard, and I’m gonna fuck your face”. Levi groaned, closing his soft lips onto the head of Erwin’s cock, using his warm tongue to suck away the pre-come and gently tease the slit of Erwin’s head. Erwin closed his eyes and grabbed hold of Levi’s hair – gently at first, pulling Levi’s head back slightly and opening his eyes to admire the sight of the head of his cock in Levi’s tiny mouth. “Show me how you paid for your taxi fare this weekend Levi” Erwin demanded breathlessly. “Show me what a slut you are for a big cock”. Levi’s face flushed red, but he kept Erwin’s cock in his mouth, making a low humming sound which reverberated around Erwin’ erection. Erwin wondered whether Levi was responding to his cock shaming, whether he was getting turned on by Erwin’s words. It didn’t really matter, right at this moment Erwin was overcome with the desire to use Levi’s mouth whether he was enjoying it, or not.

Levi suddenly opened his mouth wide and deep-throated Erwin, taking him tip to root in one go. Erwin felt electrified. Erwin was considered to be particularly well-endowed, and usually partners took their time adjusting to his size, before attempting a full-on deep-throat. Levi clearly wasn’t fazed. After rapidly sinking his mouth down around Erwin’s cock, he pulled back and forced it down again, fully – setting himself a punishing pace from the off. Erwin’s grip on Levi’s hair tightened and he started to emphasise Levi’s motions, thrusting deeply down into Levi’s throat, every time he sunk his mouth down around his cock. “God, I think my cock brings out the slut in you Levi”. Erwin muttered in a raspy voice. “Do you like me fucking your tiny mouth Levi?” “Do you like my cock as much as my driver’s? Hmmm?” 

Levi attempted a groan, but it was swallowed up by the unrelenting force of Erwin’s cock deep down in his throat. His eyes were watering, and his mouth looked and felt positively destroyed, salvia and pre-come mingled around his face and dripping from his chin. Feeling close to completion Erwin increased the force of his thrusts. “You gonna take all I’ve got to give you Levi, swallow every drop, yeah?” Levi tried to nod, but his head was being pulled back and forth in Erwin’s tight grip, so he hummed instead. Erwin growled hard and with one final deep thrust he emptied himself deep into the back of Levi’s throat. He watched Levi’s adams apple bobbing rapidly to swallow all of Erwin’s cum, and when he felt satisfied Levi had swallowed every drop, he pulled Levi off his still hard cock. Levi rocked back on his shins, panting heavily, and wiping his sleeve over his plundered mouth, cum and salvia leaving behind a silvery trail.

Erwin held his hand out to help Levi up off the floor, and Levi accepted it willingly. Erwin’s hard cock was still protruding lewdly from his open fly. Levi must have realised they weren’t done yet, his eyes were blown and face still held a look of apprehension on it. Erwin steadied Levi as he rose on wobbly legs, one hand still gripping the others tightly and the other moving to press on the small of Levi’s back. Erwin deftly shifted Levi towards the car bonnet, turning him and pushing him face down against the car, maintaining his pressure on Levi’s lower back. “Now you’re gonna take my cock again Levi. I’m sure you noticed, it’s still rock hard for you, slut”. Levi struggled against Erwin’s hold, but it was too firm, pinning him too hard against the bonnet. 

“I wonder if your ass is just as greedy for my cock as your mouth was Levi”. Keeping one hand pressed firmly on Levi’s back, Erwin moved his other around to open Levi’s trouser fly: unbuttoning and unzipping it in one swift movement. He then yanked Levi’s trousers and pants down around his ankles. Levi whimpered at the exposure. Erwin used the fingers of his free hand to prize open Levi’s mouth, probing his mouth forcefully with four fingers, gripping firm at his hot, swollen tongue. Removing his fingers, now coated with Levi’s salvia and the residues of his own cum, he moved to prepare Levi. Erwin seated his right knee between Levi’s legs, pushing them wider apart. He used his index finger to breach Levi’s puckered asshole, and Levi screamed out at the breach. Erwin pumped his finger in and out furiously, quickly replacing it with a second, and then a soon a third. Levi was left breathless at the burn. Erwin was determined to walk the fine line between pain and pleasure, and thus he paid no real care about forcibly preparing Levi to take his cock. 

Erwin felt heady with power. He didn’t realise just how far he had taken this, and he certainly had no sense of how much of that fine line he had crossed. The feeling of ultimate control drove him on. He lined his cock up to Levi’s hole and with one, punishing thrust he seated himself balls deep in Levi. Levi screamed out again, and Erwin gave him no time to recover from the breach, he just pulled out and thrust back in again, with the same punishing force. He fucked Levi’s ass like he was an animal: hard, fast and deep. Levi continued to whimper and squirm under Erwin’s hold. 

Erwin became momentarily entranced by the sight of his cock disappearing into Levi’s tight asshole, then re-appearing solid and glistening with pre-come. He paid no mind to the tears that had appeared around Levi’s hole, or the bruises that were undoubtedly forming on Levi’s hip and back with the weight of Erwin’s grip, he just continued to fuck him open. Levi’s moans were constant now, and the continued sound of them started to tip Erwin over the edge, to Erwin they sounded so erotic. Holding his breath Erwin forced himself deep into Levi and filled him to the brim with his hot cum. Erwin exhaled lazily, pulling out of Levi and watching his cum dribble out of Levi’s red hole and down the inside of his thighs. He released his hands from Levi, and Levi quickly stood up, and shakily grabbed at his trousers and pants which were pooled around his ankles. Erwin noted Levi’s own cock was soft and there was no sign that he’d even cum. Levi winced as he bent to re-dress himself. Erwin realised the full implication of his observation and he felt physically sick. Pain had replaced pleasure entirely. Erwin had crossed a line he knew there was no going back from. He’d become the predator; the persona he’d tried so hard to supress. Tucking himself back into his pants, Erwin walked purposefully away from his car and away from Levi. Concentrating purely on placing one foot in front of the other all Erwin knew was that he had to leave it all behind.


	8. the weight of regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin struggles under the weight of his actions, and attempts to face his demons.  
> Levi struggles to reconcile his feelings for Erwin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter takes the unusual form of swapping between Erwin’s and Levi’s POV – I felt it necessary to share both of their feelings and after-effects of what happened in Chapter 7 as simultaneously as possible. I hope this style-choice doesn’t detract from the story. The question of consent / non-consent raised in the last scene of chapter 8 is a fine-line, which I am trying to tread as carefully as possible. I hope my way of addressing things do not cause offence to any of you readers. I’m still feeling my way with this fic, but your comments, which are helping me question the process of my narrative construction, and my choices, are great. Keep them coming.

Part 1 (Erwin’s POV)  
Erwin was able to sufficiently recover his sensibilities enough, after leaving Levi behind, to call Mike. He explained briefly where he’d left Levi and admitted to Mike that he’d possibly hurt him, but he said no more. He couldn’t face admitting the full extent of his actions, and he truly wanted to save Levi any further humiliation. Mike assured Erwin that he’d head out to collect Levi immediately, and see to securing Erwin’s car. He even offered to take Levi to a clinic, if he needed medical attention. Erwin was silently appreciative of Mike’s perceptiveness, but also deeply regretted bringing all this to Mike in the first place. Erwin ended the call, having nothing more to say: instead he just kept walking.

Erwin knew he needed help, he’d realised that long before things had come to head this evening. He needed to find the strength to recover himself, and now also to repent for his actions. He decided he’d call Hange. Hange was another lifelong friend, someone he trusted implicitly. They owned a private clinic in the Sanctuary Wall area. A clinic that helped recovering addicts and those recovering from mental breakdowns. Erwin couldn’t name what was wrong with him, he just felt certain he needed professional help.

Thirty minutes after ending his call with Hange, Erwin found himself travelling in a car they’d sent for him, heading back to the clinic. Hange had agreed to offer Erwin a residential stay in the clinic – for an unspecified length. And Erwin was glad of the opportunity to close himself away from everyone he’d hurt – Levi especially.

Henge had organised a room, with a single bed and en suite facilities, for Erwin. They’d even sorted out some bed clothes for Erwin to change into. Deciding to leave Erwin to get settled without their usual fuss, Hange reassured Erwin he’d get a full clinical assessment in the morning. Before they left, however, they crossed the room and embraced Erwin’s somewhat crumpled form tightly. “It’s good to see you big guy. Shame it’s not under better circumstances. But we’ll get you sorted out, I promise”. They said reassuringly, eyes sparkling with tears behind thick glasses. “I’ve left you a couple of sleeping pills on your bedside table. Take them. You’ll feel better after a good sleep”. “Thanks Hange”, was all Erwin could muster in reply. He felt so undeserving of anyone’s help or sympathy. He wondered when he did finally admitted the full extent of his actions, whether Hange would still be so sympathetic towards him. He hated himself for hurting Levi, for acting like some kind of animal. Shame burned deep both for the things he’d said, and for the things he’d done. He wasn’t sure any help offered at the clinic would help sway his opinion of himself. Erwin had never before indulged in self-loathing, but he knew he was sinking fast into a pit.

 

Part 2 (Levi’s POV)  
Levi shook with astonishment and shame as he watched Erwin walk away from him. He felt weak, boneless, sore. Making him powerless to stop Erwin from leaving. Maybe it was the best, perhaps the last few months had tested the both of them to their limits. Levi suspected he was responsible for what had occurred this evening. He’d taunted Erwin at every opportunity, tried even to get a rise out of him by giving one of his drivers a blow job. He didn’t doubt his recent behaviour had warranted such a strength of response from Erwin. He’d been thrown by how comfortable and easy they’d worked together this evening. He’d hoped to attempt to rewind their situation, and had foolishly thought it might have been possible to start-over. But god his urges had been as overwhelming as ever - he’d wanted him - he’d wanted Erwin to take him apart, to own him. Above all else he’d craved his attention and his dominance. He’d wanted to be forced to the point where only Erwin could put him back together again. 

But in the end it had proven too much for Levi. Erwin had caused him more pain than pleasure. Levi’s body had been utterly shocked by the force of the encounter, and by the intensity of Erwin’s power and control over him. Levi flinched at the recollection of Erwin’s slut-shaming words. Perhaps they’d not been too far off the mark, perhaps he’d deserved them, but god they’d cut deep, they’d cheapened him, reducing him to the basest of carnal creatures – and they now forced him to confront the reality that perhaps Erwin could never see Levi as anything but a slut. 

Levi stood by Erwin’s BMW for what seemed like hours, still, uncertain what to do, and half expecting, or hoping Erwin to return. He visualised what he’d say to Erwin if he returned. Levi felt certain he would tell him how much he wanted him, needed him, again and again and again – his head swam, he felt dizzy with the strength of his longing. He felt himself harden painfully, and it reminded him that through the entire encounter he hadn’t gotten off. Experiencing so much pain and pleasure had transformed Levi, scared him even. The encounter had clearly affected Levi’s mind and his body differently. He waited, but Erwin didn’t return, and Levi couldn’t help feeling utterly rejected. 

After 30 minutes had passed since Erwin had walked away, a white Land Rover pulled slowly into the yard. As it pulled closer, Levi immediately recognised the driver as one of the men he’d met on Thursday, Mike, Erwin’s colleague. Mike rolled the Land Rover slowly alongside Levi and wound down his window. He explained to Levi that Erwin had sent him, and that Erwin had asked Mike to take Levi back to his apartment. Levi shot a look of confusion at Mike, but Mike kept his own expression still. Levi rather gingerly took his seat in the passenger side of the Land Rover, attempting to hide his tented crotch, and wincing as he tried to get comfy in the seat. He wa conscious he must look a total mess, his black suit was filthy. His trousers were covered in dust, having been pooled around his ankles in the yard. He caught Mike looking at him, the man had a heavy flush on his cheeks. Mike cleared his throat and said tentatively “erm … Erwin expressed some concern that he might have hurt you. I can take you to a clinic to get checked over, if you’d like?” Levi quickly shook his head, trying hard to maintain eye contact with Mike, despite feeling mortified at Erwin’s admission. He stated “No”, merely to reinforce his response. Mike paused, still looking directly at Levi, and holding his stare for a little longer than felt necessary, or comfortable. Levi turned away and muttered “I’m good to go whenever you are”.

Mike kept glancing over at Levi as they completed the ten minute journey to Sina Apartments in silence, Levi felt the intensity of his stare a few times, but he remained reluctant to turn towards the man. Levi wondered exactly how much Erwin had revealed to Mike about what had occurred between them – he’d obviously told Mike he’d hurt Levi and abandoned him in that yard. Levi suspected Mike had an inkling at the very least, about what exactly had happened, but thankfully Mike didn’t say anything to make Levi feel any more uncomfortable than he did already. Levi shuffled irritably on his seat. He was so fucking sore, his ass felt like it had been split open, he was sure it had been torn. He was also sticking to the seat of his trousers – his ass full and his thighs sticky with Erwin’s cum. Levi found himself feeling incredibly anxious to get home, have a hot bath and tend to his soreness.

As Mike slowed the Land Rover to park in the drop-off bay at Sina Apartments, Levi was quickly unclipping his seatbelt, desperate to get out and into his apartment. Mike moved to hold Levi in a pause, but held back from any physical contact, merely lifting his hand instead and saying “look I’m sure, no, I’m positive that Erwin regrets whatever happened between the two of you tonight. I’ve been reassured he’d gone somewhere to get help”. Hange had called Mike to let him know they’d offered Erwin some respite at their clinic and reassured Mike that Erwin would have the space and time to sort himself out. Mike still couldn’t quite fathom what was up with his mate but he trusted Hange. He suspected the little man sat in his passenger seat was somehow at the centre of things, but he wasn’t the type to try and apportion any blame. He just cared deeply for his friend, and wanted to see him feeling and behaving more like his old self. Mike cleared his throat awkwardly and at the sound Levi turned to look at him, keeping his eyes on Mike’s mouth, not daring to hold his gaze. “Maybe someday you’ll find it in yourself to forgive him. I’m not condoning anything, or even his behaviour towards you tonight, especially if it’s caused you pain”. Mike paused struggling to hold his voice steady. “I believe the real Erwin is worth forgiveness”. 

Levi frowned at Mike’s words, and their implication. “The real Erwin” Levi mused. Who the hell had just fucked him, if not the real Erwin? What the fuck had Levi done to this guy? He thought. Levi was too surprised and shaken by Mike’s words he couldn’t form a coherent reply, he just mumbled something resembling “thanks”, carefully lifted himself off the seat and hopped uncomfortably out of the Land Rover. He paused by the pull-in spot, and waited for Mike to pull away, before limping rather pathetically, head hung low, into the apartment complex. Tears pooling in his eyes, he no longer had the capacity to process any thoughts. He didn’t think he’d ever felt so wretched.

 

Part 3 (Erwin’s POV)  
Erwin did end up taking Hange’s advice, swallowing the two sleeping pills dry before changing for bed. He settled on the centrally positioned single bed, trying to empty his mind of all thoughts of Levi by focusing on the room’s sparseness and stilling his breathing. Before he knew it he was waking to the sound of bird-song. He was still laid on-top of the bed covers, and it took him a minute or two to realise where he was. Quickly the weight of guilt hit him like a freight train. His thoughts tortured by the sounds of Levi’s pained whimpers; his shaking body bucking against Erwin’s weight; his small, fragile body being broken by the force of Erwin’s unstoppable and ruthless domination.

Bile rose in Erwin’s throat, and he sat bolt upright on the bed, quickly swung his legs over the edge and jumped down to run to the en suite bathroom, hand held over his mouth. He vomited violently in the sink, once, twice – then he found he couldn’t stem the expulsion of vomit from his body. It felt like an exorcism: expelling the demon within him. When he’d finished retching he moved to wash his face in the sink – avoiding looking at his reflection in the overhead mirror, his hate for himself too strong. Erwin hoped that Mike had found Levi and gotten him home safely. He quashed the urge to message Mike to check. No! If he was going to do this, he needed to sever all contact with everyone he’d hurt. He knew he needed to rebuild himself – with no distractions and no emotional props.

Returning from the en suite on heavy, shaky legs, he heard the door to his room open and saw Hange enter. Never one for knocking, Erwin found a ghost of a smile creeping on his mouth, Hange’s forwardness was one of their more endearing features: he’d missed them. “Ready for this morning’s assessments big guy?” Hange asked chirpily. “As ready as I’ll ever be”. Erwin replied with a deep sigh. “Great” they replied, overlooking Erwin’s tone. “Well here’s what’s on the agenda for this morning. You’ll be seeing our resident psychiatrist first, then one of our top psychologists, then finally an addiction therapist. I pulled the agenda together based on the rather sketchy explanation you gave me yesterday of what you’re struggling with. And what exactly happened”. They paused, eyebrows raised, perhaps hoping for Erwin to give some detail, but he stayed silent. “Anyhow, each assessment should take between 30 minutes and 1 hour dependant on how much you are prepared to reveal”. They looked at Erwin pointedly, eyebrows still raised and continued. “My advice is be as honest as you can, the sooner you are, the better help we have arrange for you. Got it?” “Yes”. Erwin replied, feeling a little like a scolded child. “Great!” Hange replied, choosing to remain oblivious to Erwin’s tone. “Your first appointment is in fifteen minutes Erwin. I’ve sorted you out some sweats and a t-shirt, they should fit you”. They said, offering up the t-shirt to Erwin’s frame and squinting. “I’m sure they will”. Erwin said, snatching the garments from Hange, and heading straight back to the en suite to get a shower.

Feeling positively stripped-down dressed in such casual attire, Erwin found himself being ushered down a long corridor to his first asessment. Erwin knew very little about psychiatry, but he expected to have his head thoroughly grilled. Maybe he’d even receive some kind of diagnosis. He knew his head had been fucked up for a couple of months now, and he who had triggered his spiral into irrationality, but he had no idea why. He entered an office that looked to all intents-and-purposes like an eclectic art gallery. A young woman approached him, smiling, hand extended in a greeting. “Hi Erwin, I’m Dr Ral, Petra Ral. Pleased to meet you. Would you care to take a seat?” Dr Ral gestured to a seat on one side of a messy looking table, and whilst she rounded the other side and took her seat, Erwin rather wearily sat down. “Let me explain, if I may, what your assessment this morning will involve Erwin. I don’t want there to be any surprises. Okay?” Dr Ral asked Erwin, holding his gaze with steady brown eyes. Erwin just nodded in reply. “Right, well we’ll start by collating some basic medical information about you Erwin. Then we’ll get to the talking part – I’ll be asking you to try and tell me what you think your problem is and I’ll ask you some information about yourself and your history, so I can get some context. Okay?” Erwin nodded again in response. “Then if we feel it necessary I may prescribe you some medication, but we’ll leave that decision to the end of the assessment”.

Erwin stayed still, trying hard to focus on his breathing. He truly felt terrified, but at least Dr Ral had had the presence of mind to let him know what to expect from the assessment. The things that scared him the most was what he’d had to reveal about himself and his recent actions, and how he’d react to being forced to be honest, not only to a complete stranger, but himself too. Dr Ral began by taking Erwin’s blood pressure, weighing him and asking a few basic questions about his general health, allergy information etc. Erwin found himself starting to relax a little, this part of the assessment was rather undemanding. Dr Ral had a gentle manner about her, she only maintained eye-contact for as long as Erwin found comfortable to bear, and she kept her voice low and calm. 

“Right, now I have some questions to ask you Erwin. Try and answer in as much detail as you can”. Dr Ral said calmly. Erwin sunk low in his chair and tipped his head back against the head-rest, this was the part of the assessment he’d been dreading. From here on in Erwin knew eye-contact with Dr Ral was going to be near impossible, so he closed his eyes. “Okay Erwin, something happened that brought you here to the clinic – can you explain those circumstances to me?” Erwin winced and squeezed his eyes shut tighter. He took in a deep breath, exhaled slowly and began talking, releasing the torrent of anguish and confusion that wracked his soul. 

At the end of the assessment Erwin’s face felt ruddy, wet with tears. He was cradling his head in his hands, and his body was crumpled and curled into the chair. He heard Dr Ral leave her chair and move around the table towards him. She put a firm, warm hand on his shoulder, and Erwin blinked his eyes open, struggling to bear the bright, overhead lights of the office. “I’ll be prescribing you some medication today Erwin, but I must be clear that this is not designed to be a long term crutch. The tablets I’m prescribing will help with your confused and anxious state in the short term, but in the longer term, I believe taking therapies and goal setting will be the best solution for you. And that’s where my two colleagues can help.” Erwin looked at Dr Ral still feeling intensely vulnerable - but he managed to nod in response. He felt all talked out, exhausted. “Let me show you to your next assessment Erwin.” Dr Ral gestured for Erwin to follow her out of the room. She directed him down the corridor towards the next room. They arrived at a closed door, bearing a plaque saying ‘Mr Jean Kirstein’. After lightly knocking on the door, Dr Ral bid her farewell to Erwin and left him just as he heard Mr Kirstein say “come in”.

The questions from Mr Kirstein, who insisted Erwin call him Jean, were exactly the same as the questions Dr Ral had put to him. He was asked to explain his ‘problem’ in his own words, and provide some background information about his habits, work, friends and family-life. Erwin forced himself to verbalise the painful encounter that had led him to call Hange – though it seemed to Erwin that the more he talked the more detached he felt from the whole incident. He was less tearful this time, just numb. Jean’s final two questions caught Erwin off guard. He’d asked Erwin how he wanted to resolve the situation, and what goals he wanted to set to help him move forward. Erwin wanted Levi’s forgiveness, above anything else, but he felt he didn’t have the right to expect or even ask for this, so it was easier for him to formulate a rather generic reply to Jean’s questions. He told him he wanted to be a better person, more aware of how his actions affected others (at this statement he felt pathetic – this was how he usually behaved). The goal he’d decided to share with Jean was that he wanted to live a less-emotional driven life (again, pathetic – he was typically the most stoic person you could ever meet). 

Everything about how he’d responded both physically and emotionally to Levi had been atypical. It had brought out an uncontrollable, perverse side of Erwin that had rotted his core and that’s what had scared him the most. That’s what he wanted to fathom, that’s what he wanted to atone for – but the more he spoke the further way those resolutions and goals became. Erwin felt he’d cheated the both of them (himself and Jean) by answering as he had, but he was tired. Tired of talking, tired of thinking, tired of feeling, and he still had a final assessment to get through. But for now, in his present state he just couldn’t deal with any more complicated thoughts. Maybe he’d find it in him to be more honest with himself and with the next shrink – the clinic’s addiction specialist.

After the assessment with Jean, an assistant clinician collected Erwin, he introduced himself as Moblit. He ushered Erwin silently to the room at the very end of the corridor. On entering the room, Erwin was startled to find Hange’s beaming face smiling at him – they were seated on a messy sofa, laptop propped on their knee. “Come in, take a seat Erwin”. They said, patting the sofa cushion at the side of them. Erwin reluctantly approached the sofa, as Moblit softly closed the door behind him. This felt awkward Erwin hadn’t expected Hange to be completing his final assessment. “I’ve caught-up with the details of your previous two assessment big guy. Seems you’re not a total nut-job after all”. Erwin looked at Hange questioningly, and they tapped their open laptop screen, showing a paused on a CCTV image of Erwin sat in Jean’s office. Erwin realised, with a sense of sickening dread rising from his stomach, that they’ve heard and seen everything he’d revealed in the ‘privacy’ of those assessments. Hange with their typical candour didn’t hesitate to get straight to the point – looking through thick glasses directly at Erwin they said - “So Erwin, what exactly do you think you’re problem is, hmmm? Do you think you’ve got an addiction to power? To control? To violent sex maybe? You developed sadist tendencies hmmm? Or is your problem just Levi?” Erwin did all he could to remain steady, holding onto the sofa arm to try and ground himself, Hange’s blunt observations swimming in his clouded mind. It seemed perhaps they knew him more than he knew himself. Erwin knew he needed to respond, explain, defend, deny … say something, but the pain of recognition Erwin felt with their words, and the urge to agree was almost too much to bear.

 

Part 4 (Levi’s POV)  
Levi sank into the scolding bath water and winced. His ass stung and his whole body ached. Moving to wash his body, he noted a large, hand-shaped bruise had formed on the top of his hip. God - Erwin had wrecked him. Levi was struggling to cope with the conflicting emotions he’d been left with – which if he was honest had been there since the day he’d broken-up with Farlan, the day he’d first met Erwin.

Few men got to Levi, far fewer got under his skin, and no-one until now had lit a fire within him. Sure, he’d been flattered by Farlan’s attentiveness. He’d enjoyed it while it had lasted, and yes, he was ready to admit that the break-up with Farlan had shook him, even knocked his confidence. And yes, he’d fallen back on his usual habit of picking up men for uncomplicated, emotionless sex. That was what Levi did, that was his default pattern of behaviour. But when he thought about what had really driven him to seek solace in casual sex with strangers, had it actually been triggered by his break-up with Farlan? He shook his head, and tutted to himself. Now wasn’t the time for self-psycho-analysis: he needed to get clean and get some sleep. His messy thoughts could wait for another time, he done too much thinking and too much feeling today already. 

Levi rested his head back onto the cool porcelain bathtub rim, and allowed his body to float and be held in the comfort of the hot water. He closed his eyes to the feeling of weightlessness. Then he slowly felt consciousness slipping from him. His dreams were filled with things unreachable, his vision not sharp or clear enough to seek out what evaded him, his hands not fast enough to hold-on what was slipping through his fingers: his actions were aimless, feelings of frustration profound. Pain came with the realisation of just how valuable a thing had vanished from his grasp. Levi woke with a jolt. It took him a minute to realise he was sobbing and floating on cold, dead water. 

Levi quickly jumped out of the now cold bath, pulled the plug and grabbed a bath-sheet from the radiator. Wrapping himself in the soft, clean towel, he moved to the sink and brushed his teeth methodically. He avoided looking in the mirror, he knew he’d look like shit, and he really didn’t need any more visual reminders. Waking up in tears had shaken him, Levi never cried … well rarely. Moving into his bedroom, he hastily stripped off the towel and changed into some clean sweats and a t-shirt. Turning back the bed sheets, he lowered his still aching body into bed. He cocooned himself in his duvet and closed his eyes. He knew he didn’t need any psycho-analytical bullshit to tell him he was well and truly fucked. With that revelation, sleep didn’t come easily.

When sleep did take him, it was fitful. Levi found himself waking sometimes to the feeling of an unnerving weight on his chest, pinning him to the bed, restricting his movements, he’d be gasping for air. Once even he’d woken to a painfully hard erection, finding he’d been forcefully fingering his torn ass in his sleep. The perverse reaction of his body made him dizzy and light-headed, with sleep thankfully taking him again before he had chance to get himself off.

Levi woke to the sound of his alarm at 6.30am. He stretched out his limbs, still aching from yesterday, and the ache exacerbated by the near-foetal position he’d finally got to sleep in. It was Tuesday, and he was due at work at 9am. His first meeting was with Keith Shadis, his boss, a check-in to sign-off the contract with Titan Taxi’s. Levi flushed at the memory of Erwin, and what they’d done, but quickly chastised himself, and forced himself out of bed to head for a quick shower. Once showered and dressed in his suit, Levi headed to his kitchen to brew a strong pot of tea. He didn’t feel like eating, but he knew a cup, or two of his favourite breakfast-tea would help restore him. Levi took comfort in his fastidious routine: brewing tea, cleaning the surfaces, sitting at the breakfast bar to slowly savour his tea, then washing out his cup and tea-pot, drying them both, and tidying them away. 

It was 8am when Levi left for the office, he decided that in-spite of his still aching body, and sore ass he’d walk to the Rose Rooms. It was a clear morning, and Levi needed to work off his tension. He also needed to work through what he was going to say to Keith during the meeting. Keith was like a father-figure to Levi, he’d worked for him for nearly 10 years now. Keith had taken him into his employment as a scrappy, directionless teenager. He’d seen something in Levi and he had helped him rise through the organisation to his current position as Contracts Manager. Levi knew that current circumstances meant he couldn’t properly ‘manage’ the Titan Taxi contract, his association with Erwin, well it just compromised it: he just wasn’t sure how honest he should be with Keith about that.

At 9am on the dot, Levi knocked on Keith’s office door. He had grabbed both of them a coffee, and was currently juggling both cups in his hands. Keith shouted for Levi to enter, and as he did so, Keith rose from his seat to take one of the cups from Levi. “Thanks son”. Keith said, smiling gently at Levi. “Come, sit, tell me how yesterday went with Smith, and the Titan contract”. Levi moved warily to the seat opposite Keith, sat, and took a nervous sip of his coffee, whilst Keith returned to his seat. Keith was always so full of hope and praise for Levi, the last thing Levi wanted to do was let the man down. Levi spoke quietly saying “the contract was completed last night, took us a couple of hours, but we got there”. “Okay good Levi” Keith responded. 

Keith was looking questioningly at Levi, obviously picking-up on his unusually timid demeanour. “Any issues I need to know about Levi?” Keith made it seem like he was referring to the contract, but Levi sensed a gentle, probing undertone to his words. “Keith, look, something’s happened, I can’t go into detail … erm … it’s personal, but it’s potentially comprised my position here. I think … I think I might have to resign”. “Is this to do with Erwin, Levi?” Keith enquired gently. “What makes you say that?” Levi replied sharply. “Good god son, I might be old, but I’m not blind. I picked up on the sexual tension between the two of you when we met last Thursday. You could barely look at each other, and Erwin looked like he was going to have a coronary when he saw you enter the boardroom. What the hell has happened Levi?” “I … I can’t tell you Keith”. Levi replied shaking his head. “You’ll think less of me if I do” he followed, with a whisper. 

“Look Levi I’m not going to accept your foolish resignation. I’m not going to force you to tell me what’s happened, but it’s obviously affected you more than you are willing to let on. You need to know that you are worth more to me, and this organisation, than one single contract – and we’d always find ways around conflicts-of-interest, should that be what this is.” Keith flashed his eyes briefly at Levi. “My suggestion is that you should take some extended leave. You’ve had a lot to deal with in the last few months son – your break-up with Farlan, moving back into your sister’s apartment, all those late nights you’ve been spending out doing god-knows-what, and whatever this ‘thing’ is with Erwin”. Keith looked directly at Levi, who was struggling to meet his eyes. “Take some time to sort your shit out son. I care about you, I want you to be happy and I don’t think you’ve been happy for a long time, have you?” Keith smiled gently at Levi, and held out his hand. “Happiness doesn’t come easy son, but it’s worth working for, if you have a chance at it”. Levi took the old man’s warm hand, clasped it firmly and managed to croak out a weak “thanks Keith”. Five minutes later Levi was leaving the Rose Rooms, with no fucking clue what to do next.


	9. the time to recover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Chapter 9 – Erwin’s POV) Erwin’s therapy continues in earnest, with Hange exploring the delicate topic of sexual domination with him. Erwin writes two heartfelt letters of apology, which are never meant to be sent to their intended recipients. And he learns that there’s more to sexual attraction than he realises, but the knowledge still fails to dissuade his feelings of guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve done quite a bit of research to assist in the development of this chapter. This is why it’s taken me some time to get it typed up and posted on here. I want to try and challenge the perspective the reader was left with at the end of C7 (despite the archive warning for this fic). Again, I am not trying to condone forced penetration / sex, I’m just exploring a set of complex dynamics between two complex characters, who evidently read / experienced the encounter outlined in C7 very differently. It’s very conversation heavy at the end – apologies. Maybe it won’t work out in the long-run, but I can at least try. Feedback or comments are as always much appreciated. Keep the hits coming, they are keeping me feeling positive.

Erwin was ready to leave Hange’s clinic after two weeks of intensive, residential therapy. He was leaving under the proviso that for the following two weeks, he would access out-patient therapy sessions, whilst being able to settle back in his own apartment. He chose not to go back to work, nor contact anyone, not even Mike during this time. For Erwin, he was still in recovery, and his attitude towards distractions and emotional crutches still stood.

Despite his initial reservations, Erwin had actually become accustomed to speaking openly to Hange about most things. Their bluntness was refreshing, and Erwin soon realised it was nigh-on impossible to hide anything from them, even his deepest, darkest emotions.

Between the two of them, they’d ruled out most psychological disorders and addictions, though it was clear Erwin had begun to exhibit some obsessive behavioural patterns, which Hange reassured Erwin would dissipate quickly. Although it scared Erwin not to have a definitive ‘label’ to define and explain his actions, he started to realise that what he’d felt and how he’d acted was intimately connected to his subconscious dynamic with Levi. It gave him some hope to realise that without exposure to that specific stimuli, he might be able to recover sufficiently to pick up the pieces of his life. But what he couldn’t shed was the weight of guilt, nor his internalised, obsessive torment. Though he wasn’t sure he had the right to just wish those feelings away.

Hange employed numerous tactics to try and address this issue, and enable Erwin to reach acceptance and try to move on. But it was still impossible for Erwin to reconcile the tainted side of his behaviour. Hange and Erwin had talked at length about sexual consent early-on in his therapy programme. They’d explored how Erwin had potentially forced the boundaries with his behaviour towards Levi. Even just thinking about it made Erwin feel sick to his stomach. He felt he’d crossed a line, which for him was unforgivable.

\- - -

One task Hange gave to Erwin after his first few days at the clinic was to write letters to those he’d hurt the most. These letters were obviously never designed to be sent, but rather to be used as a tool to revisit as Erwin’s therapy and recovery-path evolved. The letters would allow Erwin to share his feelings and express how he’d like to seek forgiveness, and make amends. Subsequently, if Erwin’s perspective changed, then he’d be allowed to revisit and annotate a copy of the letters. But the original letter would stand to represent the rawness of Erwin’s regret.  
Erwin chose to only write two letters – one to Mike, and one to Levi.

Erwin had taken a pad of writing paper and a pen back to his room, deciding to write his letters long-hand. He knew Hange would read the content of the letters. He knew the letters had to represent the rawness of his emotions and thoughts at that moment in time. He knew they had to be as heartfelt as he could possibly express. All the same he was dreading the task ahead of him. He chose to write Mike’s first. He knew written words would never replace talking directly to his best friend, looking him in the eye, and asking for his forgiveness – but he knew all that could wait for later opportunity.

 

******  
Mike,  
God I’ve put you through a lot since we’ve been friends, but you are still always there, by my side, supporting and encouraging me. I hope you realise how much I value our friendship. You manage to overlook the flaws in my character and listen non-judgementally to my problems – but I feel this time I may have tested this aspect of our friendship beyond its limits. It’s hard for me to put into words how much you mean to me, but it’s even harder for me to disclose my disgrace and ask for your forgiveness. I can’t help but feel I continue to ask too much of you, and of our friendship.  
I accept how I have recently forced you to witness my uncharacteristic spiral into emotional decline, and I have subjected you to bear aspects of my character that bring me much shame. I realise you may be feeling alarm and confusion, and for causing you to feel those emotions I am truly sorry.  
Your strength has allowed me to seek help in an attempt to resolve these conflicts in my character. If I may ask you to take one final leap-of-faith, I promise you I’ll return a better man, and a better friend.  
Erwin   
******

 

Erwin couldn’t bear to re-read what he’d written to Mike. He feared the words would ring empty, meaningless. He felt comfort that Mike would never read the letter, and over time he could sum-up the courage to say out loud exactly what he needed to.

Erwin’s mind turned quickly to his letter to Levi. He felt emotionally exhausted, but he didn’t want to draw this process out longer than he needed to. He wondered how the hell he was even going to put on paper how he felt, what he wanted to say. He let out a deep sigh, knowing he’d have to at least try. Hange had told him it was as much about the process as it was about the outcome, the words on the paper. He gripped the pen with a shaky hand and began writing …

 

******  
Levi,  
Today it has been 57 days since I met you, and since then I have felt breathless.  
For 57 days I’ve not known myself, and the strength of my feelings towards you have left me scared.  
For 57 days I have felt uncontrollable desire and need. I have realised you are my Achilles heel.  
You set my body aflame, but it became too much to bear.  
When I had you I knew I had lost myself, and I fear by losing myself, I ultimately lost my chance with you.  
I wish I could have offered up my heart to you. I wanted nothing more than to show you who I truly am. To shower you in my worship and affection.  
Instead I was overwhelmed by the basest of emotions. I chose to disgrace myself, and cause you pain. I revealed a side to myself that has left me feeling nothing but shame. I will never forgive myself.  
I know I am not worthy of your forgiveness, and so I shall not embarrass either of us by asking for it. I can only hope distance and time can heal wounds and dissipate these painful memories, for us both.  
Erwin  
******

 

Erwin could barely see the words he’d written through tears that fell like rain. This was only the second time he’d openly cried since his arrival at the clinic. Yes he’d felt sick, angry, numb, disgusted – but he’d only cried once before, the first time he’d spoken his shame aloud. Erwin tried to decide whether the short missive he’d just composed said everything Levi deserved to hear, but truly found no answer to his query. He knew he’d be asked to revisit those painful words, those painful feelings, those painful memories over and over again with Hange anyhow. Maybe words more fitting would find him later.

Feeling utterly spent, Erwin gently placed his notepad and pen on the bed-side table and laid back on his bed. Wrapping his arms around him, seeking comfort and rest, and some minor restitution from his desperate, emotional state.

\- - - 

The conversation on the very last of Erwin’s in-patient therapy sessions with Hange turned swiftly to the topic of sexual dominance. They’d already talked candidly during previous sessions about sexual attraction, sexual consent and somewhat in-depth about Erwin’s sexual history. Erwin had quickly gotten over the sense that Hange was merely prying, he knew deep-down their questioning strategy was an attempt to help Erwin reconcile the extremeness of his encounters with Levi, with his typically ‘safe’ sexual experiences. He’d given himself over to the professional in them, and began to form trust in their approach.

Erwin had never desired an unequal, sexual relationship with any of his previous partners, and certainly didn’t consider ‘topping’ or ‘bottoming’ (both he’d been open to in the past) being representative of a relational inequity. Hange tentatively enquired whether Erwin thought his feelings and actions towards Levi had been tantamount to sexual dominance. They’d skirted around the issue in previous therapy sessions, to no avail. And as uncomfortable as their direct question made him, Erwin considered it seriously, before answering.

“I’m not sure Hange. Truly I’m not.” Erwin said shaking his head gently. “I feel the behaviour we both exhibited towards each other may have had traits of sexual dominance.” He paused to think, before continuing. “Or at least an irreconcilable energy dynamic”. At this comment Hange raised an eyebrow. Erwin quickly followed up, rather defensively. “But I’m not some fetishist, if that’s what you’re angling at. And I can’t answer for Levi, so I don’t know where this line of questioning is going to get us”. 

“Hey, ease up big guy – you don’t have to be a ‘fetishist’ to exhibit, or even just to begin to recognise and understand the basics of sexual dynamics in any relationship. And what those dynamics can lead to. Especially in a relationship that seems to have been founded on strong physical magnetism. Because ultimately that’s what I think occurred between you and Levi” Hange finished pointedly. “There’s significant psychological research out there about extreme sexual chemistry, and how it can affect or even misdirect feelings and actions”. Hange qualified, in attempt to ground their suspicions in the technicalities of science. Perhaps it worked, because Erwin had looked up at them, seemingly now more alert than usual.

“If you permit me to break down the basics of the psychology behind this Erwin, it may help you see the value in my line of reasoning”. Erwin nodded, and Hange continued. “Ok, I’ll try and frame our discussion around control, or in your case the duality between control, and loss of control, which we have established is something you feel deep regret about”. Hange paused for a moment to let their words sink in. “The principles of the psychology will address dominance, or control in a way that might prove meaningful for you, especially when experiencing sexual encounters going forward”.

Erwin shuddered at Hange’s words. He really couldn’t foresee any interest in sex in his immediate future. Before he could get himself in-check, he found his thoughts replaying the vision of Levi spread-open on his car bonnet, whimpering at the force Erwin had bestowed upon him, his mind clouded with perverse lust, his grip vice-like on Levi’s pale thighs. Hange must have sensed the anxiety rising in Erwin, they placed a firm hand on his shoulder. “Come on Erwin, you can work through this. Let’s try at least to tie your thinking about to something tangible, rational even. It’ll help in the long-run, I promise”. Erwin practiced gentle, circular breathing in an attempt to bring himself back into the room, and forced himself to nod somewhat robotically in agreement.

“So let’s start with strong sexual attraction, or infatuation. It is a recognisable psychological phenomenon, though it’s not that widely experienced. As I said earlier the chemical imbalance caused by such sexual attraction can manifest itself in misdirected feelings and actions. Studies have shown when the attraction is immature or unresolved, those misdirections are often manifest in issues of personal confidence. I suspect for you, Erwin, you exerted that confidence through control, and ultimately domination – and I think this was triggered by Levi’s actions with other men. With Levi, I can’t be sure, but I suspect his misdirected confidence lead him to act independently, and with a certain selfishness. The immaturity in his actions may be linked to his recent relationship breakdown”. Hange paused to take a breath, and Erwin caught their eye. They smiled and held out their hand in comfort, Erwin took it willingly, grasping it tightly.

“I’m not saying this is the reality of the situation Erwin, but it provides you with a lens through which you can start to consider things differently. You were both playing a dangerous game, whether consciously, or unconsciously. That game was ignited by the strength of the magnetism between the two of you, and resulted in both of you revealing sides to your personality that would ordinarily be kept in check. Both ultimately suffering from the strength of the chemical responses. There’s a distinct possibility, however small, that Levi wanted things to come to a head, he may have wanted to see you lose control. Of course he won’t have wanted to have been physically hurt in the process, nor humiliated”. Erwin’s face flamed at Hange’s words, and he lowered his gaze. “But at the very least your actions may have validated, for him what you both were feeling”. Hange paused, thought for a moment then continued. “I wouldn’t know any of this for certain unless I spoke to Levi of course … and I suppose it’s unlikely that’ll ever happen …” 

Hange paused again, looking at Erwin, still gripping his hand, searching for a response in Erwin’s face. But Erwin was stunned, left trying to process the depth of Hange’s psycho-analysis. It certainly gave an alternative slant on things. But Erwin still felt determined not to accept anything but the weight of his own personal guilt.

\- - -

Two hours later, packed and seated in a clinic vehicle, Erwin was ready to leave the clinic to head back to his apartment. Hange and Dr Ral waved him off, with the promise to see him in two days for his first out-patient session. Hange felt a tug at their heart seeing Erwin leave, still looking so vulnerable, so broken – they’d really hoped that last session had given him a different outlook on things. Leaving Dr Ral outside, Hange headed back to their office. It was time to call Mike. Hange had respected Erwin’s privacy whilst he’d been resident at the clinic, and had held off calling Mike, in fact they’d not spoken to him since tipping him off about Erwin’s arrival two weeks previously. But now it was time to get Erwin’s support network clued-up, and ready for his return.

Using their office phone to call Mike, he picked up after four rings. “Hi Hange” Mike said as he answered the call. “How’s Erwin doing?” “Hi Mike, he’s … he’s getting there” Hange replied, trying to sound as upbeat as possible, but soon realising they really just needed to off-load to someone. “Oh Mike, he’s still so frightened that he’s turned into some kind of sexual predator. Despite two weeks of pretty intensive therapy, I’m still struggling to get him to see himself as anything but. Between you and me, he’s been showing clinical signs of obsessive thought-patterns. We’re trying to counter-act this with medication in the short-term, and we’ve released him from residential care today. He’s agreed to continue with a bespoke programme of therapy designed at building-up his self-esteem. But I am genuinely concerned that he won’t logically address this ‘thing’ with Levi”. 

“Shit Hange!” Mike said, taking in a deep breath, and releasing it slowly. “Would it help if I shared my perspective on the whole Levi thing with you?” Mike offered genuinely. “I’m not sure Mike. It might help. But I’ll warn you - he’s all but labelled himself a rapist. You should see the pain in his eyes, he’s a broken man Mike”. “Fuck Hange, a rapist? Erwin? I’m not clear on what happened that last evening, but I’m gonna tell you everything I know up until that point. Maybe there’s something there that will help him”.

So Mike began. He proceeded to tell Hange about Erwin’s recollection of that first, fateful pick-up – and the reasons why Erwin was driving in the first place, due to his profound loneliness. Then he explained what happened the subsequent day, when Erwin was helping Levi pack his stuff at his ex’s flat – the sexual tension, the impromptu fuck, Levi’s words, and Erwin’s despair. Then Erwin picking Levi up from Corps, with another guy, him watching them make-out in the back of his taxi, and Erwin’s breakdown – which Mike assured Hange didn’t seem like some kind of infatuation on Erwin’s part, but rather a deep-seated, and potentially unrequited passion. Erwin and Mike encountering Levi unexpectedly in a work setting. The palpable tension between the two of them. Erwin taking a drunk and morose Levi home afterwards. Erwin’s uncontrollable violence towards Reiner, and Mike’s suspicions as to why, as well as his accusations to Erwin. Then finally the contract meeting between Erwin and Levi, and Mike receiving Erwin’s distressed phone-call three hours later – resulting in him picking Levi up from an industrial yard, the awkwardness of the car journey, and Levi’s adamance that he wasn’t hurt and he didn’t need medical attention.

Mike also admitted to Hange that he’d arranged to keep close tabs on Levi after that evening, and indeed had done. Employing an old detective friend Dot Pixis to keep a tail on him. He was waiting on his weekly update from the detective.

Hange considered Mike’s final admission before saying “I agree with you Mike, it won’t hurt to keep tabs on the little guy. See how he’s reacting to all of this, and dealing with the fall-out. Erwin is adamant that he must sever all ties with Levi, that he can’t ever see him again, that his shame is too great. But I think something else, something deeper, like you say, has happened here. It’ll take both of them to resolve it. I think you’ve realised that too haven’t you?” “Yes Hange, I think I understand”. Mike replied.

“If it comforts you to hear Mike, I think Erwin’s obsessive thought-patterns have been triggered largely by shock. We’ve not found anything else clinically wrong with Erwin.” “That’s good” Mike said. “I can’t help feeling I should have done something earlier though Hange. I witnessed first-hand the extreme change in his behaviour and even challenged him about it”. “Hey don’t beat yourself up. The big guy will be fine Mike. Once he’s ready to reintegrate into work and general life, I know you’ll be there for him. Until then, sit tight.” Hange paused. “Oh … and Mike. Keep me posted on what your detective observes about the little guy. It’s more than just a passing interest you know, and it may help Erwin in the long-run”. “Will do Hange”. Mike agrees before saying his farewell and ending the call.

Reflecting on their conversation with Mike, things were starting to slot into place for Hange, they smiled, they finally had the beginnings of a plan.


	10. the higher the stakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin readjusts to life after therapy and throws himself back into work. Levi remains in his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a slight filler chapter, preparing for the next chapter (C11) which will cover Levi’s POV, mixed with the observations made by the detective Mike has employed to follow Levi. C10 is still a little heavy on the conversation again, but I’m hoping things will lighten-up from here on in. I really did talk myself into a complex corner with this bit of the plot … I've also wrestled with tense in this chapter for some reason, forgive me if I haven't rectified all the errors yet.
> 
> Some noteworthy news: I’ve officially hit 50 kudos, and exceeded 900 hits for this fic, after only 2 weeks of posting. I’m incredibly pleased by your continued interest folks. Thanks so much. Remember Eruri is the end game – stay positive!

Erwin finally built up sufficient courage to call Mike. It had been almost five weeks since the incident with Levi. He’d hated leaving it so long to speak to his best mate, but after his therapy had ended, he realised he needed some additional space and time just to discover himself again, just a couple of days to get to the point where he felt comfortable enough to reach out to Mike. He’d managed to finally feel composed enough to face Mike and try to apologise as best he could. Knowing he’d never find himself in a position to do this with Levi, Erwin put all his energies into repairing his friendship with Mike. Mike had sounded pleased, no relieved, to finally hear from Erwin, and immediately offered to call round that evening after work, for a good catch-up and some beers, if Erwin felt up to it … Erwin did, he wanted the company more than ever, and he found himself actually looking forward to something, for the first time in ages.

Erwin had begun to crave the routine of work matters, friendship and ‘safe’ social interactions. He wanted to re-experience situations where he felt in control, and which allowed him to remain clear-minded. Erwin busied himself throughout that day, spending time in the gym and tidying his apartment, anxiously anticipating Mike’s arrival. He found himself rehearsing his words of apology over and over again until they became rote.

At 6.15pm Erwin’s doorbell rang. Smoothing the firm parting in his blonde hair, and running his hand over his polo-shirt to check for creases, Erwin nervously walked through his apartment to answer the door. He immediately saw Mike, standing smiling, arms open, with a six-pack dangling from his right hand. He moved to embrace Erwin, and Erwin reciprocated the hug with as much ferocity as he could muster. The strength of the embrace spoke words unsaid between the two men. Erwin felt himself instinctively calm in Mike’s arms.

“It’s so good to see you mate” Mike said. “I’ve missed you”. “Back at you Mike” Erwin replied, unable to keep a smile curling from the corner of his mouth. “Things were a bit shaky back there for a bit, but I’m feeling much more like the old me”. Erwin’s voice wavering slightly at the admission. He honestly wasn’t sure his words rang that true. “Thanks for sticking around Mike. And for having my back. I truly never meant to disappoint you”. Erwin tried so hard to hold Mike’s gaze as he spoke, he wanted Mike to recognise the genuineness in his words.

“Hey!” Mike said, releasing Erwin from his embrace, and moving to grasp his shoulders firm, looking directly back into blue eyes shimmering with tears. “I’ll always be here for you Erwin. You are stronger than you realise. I am so proud of you for pulling through this”. Mike’s eyes too were beginning to well with tears. He quickly moved to change the subject. “Let’s get these beers in the fridge. We’ve got loads to catch-up on, and we’ve got all night”. Mike bounced through the hallway and into the kitchen. Erwin let out a deep sigh of relief, closing the front door, he smiled and headed to follow his friend. 

On the surface, nothing seemed to have changed between the two men. They relaxed together on Erwin’s sofa, laughing, chatting easily and drinking beer. Erwin positively floated in the calmness that Mike’s presence brought. Mike consciously stuck to discussing topics that would help maintain Erwin’s sense of calm – they talked shop for a while, and Erwin wasn’t surprised to hear how well Mike had coped holding the fort in his absence. Mike admitted, rather shyly to Erwin, that he’d started dating. A woman called Nanaba, who he’d met about six weeks ago, and who he seemed rather smitten with. Mike daren’t admit he’d met Nanaba at the Rose Rooms, the night Erwin had taken Levi home drunk, and Erwin sensed he was holding something back, but didn’t press him. They’d be time for those easier conversations later. He was just pleased his friend was happy. Both men knew there was an elephant in the room, a topic they were deliberately skirting around, and it wasn’t until they were into their third beer, when Mike mentioned a forthcoming meeting about the Rose Rooms contract, that the unspoken subject of Levi hung in the air like a dense, impenetrable fog.

“Yeah Erwin – so Shadis wants to make some amendments to the Rose Room contract. And he’s been purposefully waiting for your return so he can deal with you directly”. Mike said tentatively, looking at Erwin to glean his thoughts, he paused briefly then continued talking. “He wants the service to encompass transportation for his staff as well as customers, and I suspect he’s angling for a better price on the deal”. “Oh” Erwin replied. “I’m not sure me tackling this is such a good idea Mike”. Mike raised his eyebrow slightly at Erwin, he knew the implication of Erwin’s concern. “Shadis has scheduled a meeting between the two of you, as far as I know his Contract Manager won’t be there”. Erwin noted how Mike had carefully avoided mentioning Levi by name. 

Erwin sighed. He knew he’d have to throw himself back into work sooner or later, and this meeting offered the perfect opportunity to get a good handle on things, get his business-head back on. Erwin liked Keith Shadis, he’d been a good friend of Erwin’s father, and he’d known him most of his life. “Okay Mike, I was planning on coming back into the office on Monday anyway. I’ve gotta get back on the horse some time. When’s the meeting with Shadis scheduled for?” Erwin enquired. “Thursday afternoon Erwin. That’ll give you plenty of time to get back in the saddle. We’ve missed you, and everyone is looking forward to you coming back”. Erwin flushed at Mike’s words. It felt odd to be appreciated, missed, to Erwin it felt somewhat undeserved.

The rest of the evening passed in a blur. Erwin was preoccupied with his disordered thoughts – the mere hint of Levi as a conversation topic had brought Erwin straight down into his mind-spiral. Mike sensed the change in Erwin, and politely suggested he might be tired. Mike left, bestowing a second bear-hug on Erwin, and promising to call him over the weekend. He handed Erwin the keys to his BMW, which he reassured the blonde man that he’d parked it safely in the carpark under Erwin’s apartment block. 

After Mike left Erwin headed straight to his bedroom to turn-in for the night. His mind a little less clear than it had been that morning. His steps a little less sure. His heart a little heavier. He hoped the night ahead of him would help strengthen his resolve. He hoped when he closed his eyes, he’d finally be able to still his mind.

\- - -

After a busy, and positive first few days back in Titan Taxi’s HQ: getting up-to-speed with recent developments in the business; catching up with his staff (who’d merely been informed that Erwin’s extended absence had been due to personal circumstances – thanks to Mike); and meeting his new driver, Oluo Bozado, who Mike had employed to replace Reiner, Thursday was upon him before he’d even had time to think. Mike had been great at filling Erwin’s days with work, and he was quickly pushing 10 hours a day in the office. And Erwin admitted to himself that it felt good to be back. Erwin felt himself stepping back into his role as boss, he was respected, he was in control - it felt ‘normal’. He tried his hardest to draw as much pleasure as possible from his work-life. It was only in the evenings when he was at home, alone, and in his dreams where Erwin’s time was filled with other thoughts: those that continued to consume his soul.

Mike had organised a busy morning on Thursday for the two of them. Erwin suspected it had been engineered thus to distract him from his afternoon meeting with Shadis. Thankfully Mike knew him so well, and made the morning pass with relative ease. At noon, over a quick lunch, Erwin met with Armin, his Contract Manager, just to familiarise himself with the Rose Rooms contract. It was not necessary though – Erwin knew every detail of that contract intimately. When Armin recalled specific information, Erwin could visualise sitting alongside Levi in his neat office, Levi tapping heavily on his keyboard drafting the contract amends, Erwin gently prompting him. His visions engendered feelings of comfort, ease, harmoniousness. Erwin faltered at the disjunction of these uncommon feelings, especially in respect to Levi. He didn’t have the right to enjoy these memories, he couldn’t. But they came anyway and they overwhelmed him. Erwin had sufficient wherewithal to promptly dismiss Armin, with his thanks. He sat, quietly in his office, clutching onto the contract, and allowed himself to think only of Levi.

Mike had agreed to drive Erwin to the Rose Rooms for his meeting with Shadis. In fact Mike had been driving Erwin to-and-from work all week – Erwin still wasn’t ready to drive his BMW. It was too soon, tainted with too many painful memories of his encounters with Levi. Mike entered Erwin’s office without knocking – and happened upon Erwin, eyes closed, resting back in his chair. “You catching up on some sneaky shut-eye eh?” Mike’s cheery voice dragged Erwin from his daze and his eyes opened with a startled look. “Joking aside, you OK mate? I hope this week has proven to be too much too soon”. Mike said in a more serious tone, staring at Erwin’s face for an answer. “I’m fine Mike, honesty, just bracing myself for another round with Shadis”. Erwin said chuckling falsely, in an attempt to brush off Mike’s concern. “Shall we get going?”

\- - -

Keith met Erwin with one of his usual friendly big hugs, and invited him into his office. “It’s good to see you son”. He said heartily. “I heard from Mike you’d had to take some personal time off work”. He held Erwin’s gaze firmly and followed by saying “I hope things are better for you now”. “You know Keith, burnout comes to the best of us. I feel much better for having some time off. I’m fighting fit and ready to take you on, clearly”. Erwin replied. The white lie leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. “You know son, I’m always here should you need to talk. Your father would expect nothing less of me, or you”. “I know Keith, thanks, but your concern is not necessary, really”. Erwin said rather too firmly.

“So I understand you want to make some amendments to our contract Keith” Erwin stated rather business-like, attempting to change the conversation, and steer it away from his awkwardness. “Yes, just minor ones Erwin. Normally I’d have Levi deal with this, but he’s on extended personal leave himself. His started about the same time as yours Erwin … a mere co-incidence obviously. There clearly must be something in the air!” Keith looked at Erwin pointedly, and Erwin struggled to hide his surprise at the news. Keith chose not to elaborate on the reasons for Levi’s absence, and Erwin felt too scared to ask. “I’ve promised to keep his post open for as long as is necessary, though I haven’t heard anything from him for over a month. I feel a deep fondness towards Levi you know”. Erwin did all he can to stabilise himself as he sat at Keith’s desk. He gripped the arms of the chair to steady himself, fighting to hold back the threat of a sob escaping. Keith remained focused on Erwin, his gaze fixed and full of concern. But he held back from speaking, perhaps seeing the torment in Erwin’s expression. Erwin, for once was glad of Keith’s perceptiveness.

Keith broke the short silence by asking Erwin if he fancied joining him in a drink. Erwin agreed. And Keith fished around in his desk drawer, retrieving a bottle of Macallan’s Single Malt and two glasses. He poured each of them a good amount, and slid one glass over to Erwin. Erwin merely nodded with thanks, and clasped the whiskey glass tightly in his hand. Keith raised his glass in a toast, Erwin reciprocated as both men paused to take a slip. Erwin hummed pleasingly as the burn coated his tongue and throat. Slipping their whiskey the two men spent some time discussing the contract changes. Erwin suspected Keith had, had an ulterior motive for seeing him face-to-face, he knew the simple contract amendments could have been done via email or over the phone. Erwin suspected the old man had brought him here to check-up on him, and possibly to elicit some information from him about Levi. He couldn’t be certain, but he believed the man knew there was more to Levi’s sudden absence then he was letting on. He was just too damned polite to force the issue.

After pouring them both a second, large glass of malt Keith said “I hear Mike is dating our Nanaba. Did you know?” Erwin smiled and replied “Yes, I heard he’d found himself a girlfriend, I’m pleased for him.” “Aye. She’s a great lass, she’s one of my bar staff. He met her on the night of our corporate event you know”. “Ah! That explains why he was being a bar-fly that night. Sometimes our Mike is far too obvious”. Erwin replies. Erwin hadn’t known Nanaba worked at the Rose Rooms, or that Mike had met her the evening he’d taken Levi home drunk. He smiled softly at Mike’s sensitivity in holding back details of his own personal life for fear they’d upset him. He was a true friend. “The lass is clearly smitten with Mike, Erwin”. Keith said confidently. “So is Mike”. Erwin confided in response.

“Maybe you should get Mike to familiarise himself with her work schedule, given that Titan will be taking our staff home after late shifts. Maybe Mike might be interested in doing a bit of taxiing on the side?” Keith said mischievously. Typical Keith always the matchmaker, thought Erwin. “Maybe I’ll suggest it”. Erwin replied grinning. “He deserves some happiness, he’s a good guy Keith”. “So are you Erwin” Keith declared firmly. “Happiness is something that isn’t out of your grasp either you know son”. There’s a pregnant pause, Erwin felt his anxiety rise. He tried hard to quash it, and took another gulp of the strong malt, to swallow down his panic.

“You have a good second there in Mike you know. It reminds me a bit of my friendship with your father Erwin”. Keith closed his eyes, and Erwin mirrored him, happy to pause and reminisce in silence for a moment. Erwin’s father was clearly a missing presence in both men’s lives. “He was concerned about you Erwin, Mike you know. More than I think he’ll ever let on”. Keith said, after their silent pause. Erwin nodded, he knew this, and it hurt him. “Don’t close off the possibilities of happiness son. Too many men overlook its value, I know I did. I live everyday with that regret. If I had my life over, I’d choose to live it without those regrets”. Keith looked at Erwin, his eyes shiny and sad. “I’d be saying the same to Levi if he were here too son”. Erwin wasn’t sure how to respond, but he found himself softly saying “I hope you’ve not lost a valued employee Keith. I hope he gets in touch soon”. Erwin couldn’t deny how much the old man evidently cared for Levi, and he felt glad someone was there to look out for him. The old man simply replied “I hope so too son”.

Erwin left Keith’s office after another fatherly hug, and a promise to make time to talk again soon. Mike was waiting in the carpark in his Land Rover. Erwin headed over and slid into the passenger seat. Mike was quick to enquire how the meeting went, and Erwin simply replied “fine Mike. Good in fact. He’s a decent man”. Mike nodded in acknowledgement and started the engine. Erwin sat back in the comfort of the leather seat, eyes closed, breathing calm. He allowed himself to wonder where Levi was, what he was doing, how he was. As Erwin indulged in his thoughts of Levi, settled by the smooth movement of the journey home, little did he know that the man at the side of him, held most, if not all of the information he so sorely sought.

\- - - 

Mike had encouraged Erwin to participate in some light, social interaction – or “male bonding” as Mike had referred to it. A poker game, Saturday night, held in Mike’s garage, which had been transformed to hold a full-size poker table, seating for 7, a fridge stocked with beer, and a full box of cigars. Erwin knew it was time for him to begin socialising again, a further step in recovering the normalcy he so craved. So he’d found himself at 8pm on Saturday night, entering Mike’s garage clutching a bottle of fine brandy, dressed sharply in a crisp, white shirt, black waistcoat and black trousers. As Mike watched his approach Erwin patted his pocket, indicating it contained a wad of cash, smiling coyly. Mike greeted him with usual gusto, and firm hug. Erwin was the first to arrive and Mike told him they were to expect Connie, Oluo, Armin, Gunther and Bertolt to join them shortly. Mike asked Erwin to choose some music, whilst he stocked up the fridge with beer and set-up the table. Erwin browsed Mike’s music collection, and chose some smooth jazz. Once the music started playing Mike hummed and nodded in agreement at Erwin’s choice.

Soon the garage was filled with cigar smoke, and the sounds of chilled jazz. The seven men poised around the poker table, steely glares maintained, cards gripped tightly in their hands, stakes being raised as much as their confidence would allow. Erwin was having fun, the most fun he’d had in a long time. He’d lost a shit-ton of money, but he didn’t care. The perpetual smile that he had fixed on his face made his facial-muscles ache, in a good way. Mike was having a better night, eyeing the pile of notes stacked in front of him on the table with a sneer of pride on his face. All the men were rosy-cheeked, full of beer and brandy – the banter flowed easily, and shop-talk kept to a minimum. 

The night had been the tonic Erwin had needed. But it soon became apparent the men had other plans to complete the night. As midnight came, Gunther suggested they all go to Utopia, a notorious sex-club at the far-side of the Maria District, renowned for catering for patrons of all sexual preferences. Connie, Oluo and Bertolt were clearly game. Armin declined politely, blushing slightly, saying it wasn’t his scene. Mike also declined, admitting to the group that Nanaba would kill him if he went there without her, and a hearty laugh ripped through the garage at his admission. Gunther turned to Erwin “fancy coming to sample some prime ass boss?” “Erm … I …” Erwin was suddenly lost for words, he knew what he wanted to say, but for a moment he felt immobilised to respond. Mike butted in quickly responding. “Do you really want your boss watching you embarrass yourself chasing a cute piece of ass Gunther? I think that’s a step too far, don’t you?” “Oh shit, sorry boss, no offense”. Gunther quickly replied, looking at Erwin for appeasement. “None taken Gunther – go you guys, enjoy the rest of your night. The taxi’s on Mike”. Erwin offered as cheerily as he could. He nodded at Mike in silent thanks, over the other men’s heads – Mike nodded back in acknowledgement.

\- - -

As the four Titan Taxi guys – Gunther, Oluo, Connie and Bertolt – swaggered into Utopia, full of beer, brandy and bravado, and headed for the bar, they missed the discrete exit of a small, raven-haired man, slipping away into the night.


	11. the time to fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi turns back to casual sex in an attempt to blot-out his confusion over Erwin, and their encounter. But his fall-back plan fails miserably. 
> 
> Levi also fails to notice the private detective following him, watching and documenting his every move.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 11 (and also Chapter 12 which should follow shortly) both cover Levi’s POV, with events running alongside Erwin’s timeline in C’s 9 & 10.
> 
> Levi's feelings seem more complex in a way, than Erwin's, so I'm ensuring I dedicate enough time to his POV. Even though it's not pretty.
> 
> Comments always welcome.

Levi spent the Tuesday afternoon, after returning home from his meeting with Shadis, as well as Wednesday and Thursday holed-up in his sister’s apartment. It felt odd to Levi, not to be in the routine of work, and Levi did find it hard to try and bury any sense of disappointment he may have caused Keith. But he also knew he needed the time and headspace to sort his shit out. His life had been one long fucking rollercoaster since his spilt with Farlan, and he’d barely had chance to process what had happened. Putting the casual sex aside, Levi’s life had very quickly taken a wholly unexpected route, it scared him to think that this diversion hadn’t been wholly unwelcome.

He’d never been one for indulging in depressive thoughts – no, he cleaned, and cleaned and cleaned some more. He cleaned until the apartment shone, and errant dust particles were replaced with a filmy sheen of polish, and Levi’s thoughts were clouded in a mist of chemical purity. Levi’s hands were red raw from their repeated exposure to various cleaning products and constant emersion in water – and that was the only pain he’d allow himself to indulge in. Levi’s fervent cleaning regime only protected his emotions during the day though. At night Levi’s mind never stilled, at night he couldn’t stem his emotions, at night Levi lived his desires, at night Levi gave into need. Those needs and desires ran deep in his soul, and they consumed him, and his body.

Levi’s soreness had finally dissipated – his anal tearing all but healed, and the deep bruise that adorned this thigh was now a shade of yellow. Levi had hoped the pain and the marks both might have lasted a bit longer. He knew it was all that Erwin had left behind from their encounter. Well that and the memories, which he forced himself not to dwell on, he couldn’t afford to. 

Levi did think about sex in general though, sex was a constant that permeated his thoughts, day or night. And he managed to fool himself sufficiently into believing he wasn’t thinking about sex with anyone in particular, especially not Erwin.

Levi forced himself to leave the apartment on Friday afternoon. He had to go shopping. He’d run out of cleaning products, and realised he’d also run low on food. Whilst out shopping he’d decided to give himself a challenge, a short window to think about whether he was indeed a slut. Erwin’s shaming words had resonated with him, and it was finally time to face whether he lived up to that label. As he left the apartment, and made the 20 minute walk over to local 24/7 supermarket, he mentally calculated how many one-night-stands he’d had. When he found his count exceeding 30, he didn’t find it difficult to conclude he was certainly loose, easy: he knew he’d never been overtly picky about who fucked him. 

Sex had always fulfilled a want, driven purely by lust – never need or true desire, that way it stripped any sexual encounters of the threat of emotion. Need and desire led to emotions, which led to commitment, with commitment came obligation, and when that ended it eventually led to hurt and disappointment. His failed relationship with Farlan was partially testament to that line of reasoning. That was the harsh reality, and Levi didn’t want emotional messiness. Want, however fulfilled that physical craving of sex: fucking without thought, without need, without emotion. And that’s what slut’s did, that’s what Levi did – that was his default behaviour. Entering the main doors of the supermarket, Levi felt a little lighter in his step, lingering doubt forcibly pushed aside. It was simple, logical – thinking time was up, his decision was made – he’d already type-cast himself – Levi the cock-slut was his safest bet, the sure-fire way of protecting his emotions. 

Levi decided to go straight out that night and find himself some cock. Dressed in skin-tight black leather trousers, and a see-through white vest top (the sluttiest, most seasonally-appropriate outfit he had), Levi headed over to Corps. Levi told himself he’d be guaranteed a fuck, cock-sluts were more than catered for at Corps, he’d proven that time and time again. He took a taxi to the club, deciding to call Survey, a rival company of Titan. As he left the apartment in the cover of night, Levi didn’t see the battered grey Jeep pull out of the parking lot at Sina Apartments and tail the taxi to Corps. Nor did he see the older man follow him into the club, and observe him from a seating booth, watching him grab a scotch from the bar and head over to two fit guys who were stood by the dance floor.

\- - -

A week after Erwin’s admission to Hange’s clinic, early Tuesday morning, Mike awoke to a blank envelope sitting on his doormat. He opened the envelope to see it contained a neatly hand-written report. He read its content over his morning coffee with great interest.

REPORT 1: WEEK 1  
SUBJECT: LEVI ACKERMAN KNOWN RESIDENCE: SINA APARTMENTS

TUESDAY  
08:00 Subject leaves apartment and walks to Rose Rooms (arriving at 8.50am)  
10:20 Subject leaves Rose Rooms and walks back to Sina Apartment  
-  
No further visible activity from subject

WEDNESDAY  
No visible activity from subject

THURSDAY  
No visible activity from subject

FRIDAY  
12:30 Subject leaves apartment and in observed walking to Tesco 24/7 supermarket  
12:50 Subject arrives at supermarket and enters through main doors  
13:30 Subject leaves supermarket with 2 bags and is observed returning, on foot to Sina Apartments  
13:50 Subject arrives back at Sina Apartments  
-  
22:25 Subject leaves apartment and takes Survey taxi  
22:45 Subject is followed in taxi. Destination - Corps nightclub  
22:50 Subject is observed alighting taxi and entering Corps nightclub  
23:00 Subject is observed approaching and talking to 2 males

SATURDAY  
01:20 Subject leaves Corps nightclub with same 2 males, on foot, heading in NW direction  
01:30 Subject and 2 males are observed walking to Block 6, and all three enter Apartment 615  
01:50 Subject leaves Apartment 615 and takes Survey taxi  
02:20 Subject is followed in taxi. Destination – Sina Apartments  
-  
No further visible activity from subject

SUNDAY  
No visible activity from subject

MONDAY  
No visible activity from subject

\- - -

Levi had initially been excited by the prospect of a threesome with the two hot guys he’d spent the evening with at Corps. He was definitely horny enough for two cocks. All three of them had talked a good talk for the last two hours about their intentions – and Levi was even considering being open to some double penetration. Fuck! He just needed a good dicking. He’d found himself painfully hard all evening, feeling especially uncomfortable in his tight leather pants. When the time came to leave the club, and walk the short distance to their apartment he was desperate for release. He kept reassuring himself if he got thoroughly fucked, he’d forget everything that had happened over the last few months. 

As soon as the three men entered the apartment, Levi deftly eased his aching cock out from the fly of his restrictive leather trousers, eager to be sucked into oblivion by the taller of the two men, who was willingly squatting in front of Levi, mouth open in readiness. The sight in front of him suddenly sobered Levi, and he immediately found himself softening. The guy clearly hadn’t noticed this sudden change in Levi’s arousal, he was too busy beginning to moan crudely, as the third man started to fuck his asshole with his fingers. Much to Levi’s annoyance the taller guy had begun enthusiastically circle his studded tongue around the tip of Levi’s now flaccid member – it was useless, and just too embarrassing for Levi to endure. Levi hastily pushed him away, shoving his soft junk back through the fly of his leather trousers. Mumbling something about needing a piss, he headed to find the bathroom.

Once safely in the bathroom, Levi realised he was shaking. He fumbled for his mobile phone, immediately dialling a taxi. He quickly made his exit from the apartment after taking a few moments to gather his wits. He managed his exit with little fuss, fortunately his exit went unnoticed by the two guys – one who now had his face buried in the others ass. 

The taxi arrived with minutes and Levi instructed the driver to take him back to his apartment. He was still shaking, and he couldn’t seem to stop. But he refused to give what had just happened any headspace. Reality was just too painful a thing to face. As he headed to the shower, hoping the water would drown out his thoughts, he decided tomorrow he’d clean the apartment again.

Levi actually ended up cleaning the apartment thoroughly again all the way through until Tuesday night, stopping briefly to eat, or shower. Once he’d exhausted every possible cleaning job in the apartment, he found himself tackling the outer hallway and even the lifts. Filling them both with the pungent scents of bleach and polish. His cleaning mania in the daytime remained juxtaposed to the emotional turmoil of his sleep – the aching desire, the unfulfilled need. Without fault, he’d wake every morning, and even sometimes a few times through the night with a raging erection, and an overwhelming urgency to satisfy his libido – his hands, fingers, and even the various toys he owned never granted him the pleasurable release he so desperately desired. 

On Wednesday morning Levi woke early and decided to go for a run. He’d neglected his fitness routine over the last few months, and other than cleaning, running was a sure-fire way of capping his emotions, and emptying his mind. Levi ran, and ran, until his lungs hurt and his legs tired. His skin was slick with sweat and his heart pounding – but his mind was clear. Taking a long, shower on his return to the apartment, Levi relaxed, as the heat of the water loosened his aching muscles.

Levi determinedly headed back to Corps that night, refusing to be deterred by the events of the previous Friday. He felt his confidence return after a few glasses of scotch. Levi quickly adopted his usual predatory stalk as he moved through the club in search of willing fuck. His eyes flickering back and forth at any man prepared to meet his hooded gaze. Then he spotted his pray – a tall, slim blonde resting casually against the back wall of the club, eyes hungrily scrutinising Levi’s form. The blonde nodded and gestured for Levi to follow him towards the back fire-exit. Levi followed, excitedly, his pulse beginning to race. 

The coolness of the night hit Levi as he exited the club, and he found himself in the back alley. The blonde approached him immediately, and grabbed him by his waist, pulling him close. Levi could smell a mixture of stale cigarette smoke and beer on the man’s breath – it was unpleasant, and Levi flinched at the smell, but he refused to let himself be discouraged from what was evidently on offer. “Fuck me” Levi said boldly, trying hard to hold the man’s hungry stare, hoping to his blunt statement would avoid any unnecessary foreplay. The man took the bait, and moved swiftly to unbutton Levi’s trousers, rather unceremoniously yanking them down around his ankles. He turned Levi abruptly, and pushed him hard against a wall. Levi heard the man spit, he cringed slightly at the sound, before he felt firm, wet fingers pressing against his hole. The man inserted two fat fingers into Levi, forcibly, and Levi bit his lip to supress a cry. Squeezing his eyes shut, Levi braced himself to endure this intrusion, as he felt rough, fat fingers prying him open. When he finally felt those fingers leave him, Levi managed to let go of the breath he’d been holding, only to quickly suck in another as he felt his hole breached by the man’s fat, stubby cock. 

There was no beauty in Levi’s feeling of fullness, no pleasure in the discomfort he endured, no eroticism in the panting breaths of his partner, no flames igniting between skin that touched skin, no shared expression of desire in the movement to meet thrusts. Levi could feel the moment of climax approaching, and he found himself saying “come in my ass and I’ll break your fucking nose”. The stranger moaned longingly, then Levi felt him slowly withdraw his cock. He turned slowly, watching the man paint the wall beside Levi with his spunk. The sight repulsed Levi.

Whilst the man’s eyes were closed, savouring his post-climactic bliss, Levi quickly hoisted his trousers up, buttoned them, and hurried to re-enter the club, refusing to look back. He was still close to climax himself, but he refused to share any sense of pleasure with the stranger. So he headed for the toilets, and locked himself in a cubicle. He took out his throbbing cock and with speedy but rather perfunctory strokes brought himself to climax. Resting his head against the cubicle wall in exhaustion, Levi felt overwhelmed with a sense of disgust and nausea. Then he vomited, and the world around him faded.

Days passed in a blur, filled thoughtlessly with running, cleaning, showering and eating. Levi actions had become mechanised. All his senses remained numb. Sleep evaded him, his body clock started to resemble that of a cat, opting towards short power naps throughout the day and night. Levi decided things were probably better that way, less chance of dreaming, less chance for yearning, less chance to realise what he wanted was now too far out of his reach.

Mikasa, Levi’s younger sister called on Monday, two weeks had passed since his encounter with Erwin, but the distance felt like years. Levi hadn’t heard from his sister since the night of his break-up with Farlan, when he’d hastily text her to check it was okay for him to crash at her apartment for the foreseeable future. He’d missed talking to her. “Hi brat, long time no hear”. Levi said, as chirpily as he could muster, as he accepted her call. “Hi big bro!” she replied. “Sorry I’ve not had chance to call you lately, it’s so busy here”. “So-kay” Levi replied. “No it’s not” Mikasa said firmly. “I wasn’t there for all that shit with Farlan, I’m sorry bro”. She said her voice softening at the admission. 

“How you doing anyhow?” She enquired tentatively. “I’m good Mika … I’m doing … good”. Levi said, unable to avoid uncertainly creeping into his words. “Bullshit bro. I know you. I bet you’re cleaning all day, and out chasing tail all night”. “Tsk – fuck off”. Levi spat back, defensively. “How many times have you been to Corps, then hmm? How many men have you had fuck your thoughts away hmm?” Mikasa’s voice raised an octave in obvious anger. “It doesn’t work you know bro, its meaningless bullshit”. “It may be meaningless, but it’s my life brat”. Levi said quietly, but firmly in response. 

“I know you’re not working bro. I sent you an email last week, and it bounced back with an out-of-office reply saying you were on long-term leave. What the fuck’s that all about? Did your break-up with Farlan really fuck you up that much?” “That fucker? No way, I’m glad to be shot of him. Things have just been … Something just ….” Levi waivered, unable to express what he was feeling. He knew this was his opportunity to finally be open with someone, but he found himself wanting to guard his emotions still. “I fucked up. I’m fucked up Mika. But I’m working through it. Well, I’m trying to”. 

“I’m going to give you some advice now bro, and you’re not gonna like it, but you’re gonna listen all the same”. Mikasa said, she sighed heavily before continuing. “Getting your brains fucked out by random guys is not the way to work through your problems. You know that, despite it always being your default response. You know you want more, you know deep down you deserve more from life. Stop cheapening yourself. Get out there, discover better ways of finding yourself again bro, or you’ll lose yourself forever”. Levi remained silent, unable to respond. He knew deep down she was right, but her words stung, the reality she spoke cheapened everything he’d felt over the last two months, including whatever he felt towards Erwin. Mikasa, picking up on the silence from Levi said “I’ll call next week bro – stay safe – love ya”. And with that she was gone, and he was alone again.

\- - - 

The morning after Mike’s conversation with Hange, he awoke to another blank envelope sitting on his doormat. After digesting its contents over his morning coffee, Mike files the document away alongside the first report, and heads to work. Despite Hange’s interest, he’s not quite ready to share these observations with anyone else.

REPORT 2: WEEK 2  
SUBJECT: LEVI ACKERMAN KNOWN RESIDENCE: SINA APARTMENTS

TUESDAY  
No visible activity from subject

WEDNESDAY  
08:30 Subject is observed leaving Sina Apartments, heading off running in a SE direction  
11:30 Subject is followed for duration of run, totally 13.5 miles. Subject returns and enters Sina Apartments  
-  
23:43 Subject is observed leaving Sina Apartments in a Survey Taxi.

THURSDAY  
00:06 Subject is followed in taxi, where he alights at Corps nightclub, and enters.  
00:10 Subject is observed standing at bar in Corps.  
00:33 Subject is observed exiting Corps via rear fire-exit with male. Subject remains in back alley and is observed engaging in sexual intercourse with male.  
00:46 Subject is observed re-entering club via the rear fire-exit, alone and entering gents toilets.  
02:46 Subject is observed exiting gents toilets and leaving Corps. Subject gets into a Survey taxi.  
03:12 Subject is followed in taxi to Sina Apartments. Subject alights taxi and enters apartment building.  
-  
08:30 Subject is observed leaving Sina Apartments, heading off running in a SE direction  
11:30 Subject is followed for duration of run, totally 13.5 miles. Subject returns and enters Sina Apartments  
-  
No further activity observed.

FRIDAY  
08:30 Subject is observed leaving Sina Apartments, heading off running in a SE direction  
11:30 Subject is followed for duration of run, totally 13.5 miles. Subject returns and enters Sina Apartments  
No further activity observed.

SATURDAY  
08:30 Subject is observed leaving Sina Apartments, heading off running in a SE direction  
11:30 Subject is followed for duration of run, totally 13.5 miles. Subject returns and enters Sina Apartments  
No further activity observed.

SUNDAY  
08:30 Subject is observed leaving Sina Apartments, heading off running in a SE direction  
11:30 Subject is followed for duration of run, totally 13.5 miles. Subject returns and enters Sina Apartments  
No further activity observed.

MONDAY  
08:30 Subject is observed leaving Sina Apartments, heading off running in a SE direction  
11:30 Subject is followed for duration of run, totally 13.5 miles. Subject returns and enters Sina Apartments  
No further activity observed.

\- - -


	12. the dogged delusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dissuaded by his recent disastrous attempts at casual sex, Levi finds himself increasingly turned-on by more voyeuristic activities, observing the power of the emotional and physical dynamic he has tried so hard to deny himself. But stubborn as ever, Levi refuses to acknowledge the affect these encounters are having on his emotional state. Confused and almost broken Levi finally lets his experimental route to self-discovery lead him somewhere unexpected.
> 
> He remains unaware that a certain detective is observing his every move.

On Tuesday, after a leisurely morning showering, scrubbing clean every inch of his skin, Levi found himself idly searching for nearby cruising spots on his phone, over a late breakfast of tea and toast. He was still so fucking horny, but he couldn’t face another night at Corps. He was still unwilling to face up to how disastrously things had ended the last two times. But also he wasn’t ready to heed Mikasa’s advice. After about 30 minutes of searching Levi found a discussion thread about nightly cruising activities at a nearby cemetery – Sina Vale, which was only 10 minutes walk away from the apartment. It didn’t take much thinking on Levi’s part to decide he’d head there that night. His default position won-out, it always did.

Cruising essentially involved willing participants (mostly homosexual males) seeking out quick fucks in public places. The practice obviously had risks, the worst being arrest and possible criminal charges (cruising was a public order offence). This didn’t deter Levi, he wasn’t a stranger to spending the odd night in a police cell, so he shrugged off the risk.

Levi left the apartment in the cover of darkness, and headed quickly on foot towards the cemetery. He was dressed a little more demurely, than he would for a night a Corps – wearing tight black jeans, and dark green t-shirt, overlain with a black leather jacket. On entering the cemetery gates, Levi immediately sensed the spark of clandestine sexual activity all around him, and his pulse began to race. Deep moaning sounds drifted over from the left, where the gatehouse was situated, Levi rubbed his groin and sucked in a breath, aroused by the wanton moaning of sexual pleasure. He then caught sight of a man in the distance, darting silently between two mature trees on a narrow woodland path, heading up into the more overgrown part of the cemetery. Levi decided to follow.

It took Levi a while to find his bearings, he stumbled a few times in the poor light – the moon largely obscured by tall trees than enclosed him. Suddenly Levi was aware of the moonlight re-appearing as the path rounded towards a small clearing in the cemetery. His vision was filled with sight of two beautiful bodies fucking furiously, moving in powerful unison. One man was bent over a large tombstone, the other was pounding into him, his back muscles tensing and flexing with every needy thrust. The moonlight highlighted their entwined hands, clasped together as their bodies were moving as one. Levi paused, entranced, reluctant to interrupt this beautiful union. He found himself breathless. For now he felt satisfied being the voyeur, so he remained in the shadows.

Levi quickly opened his fly, and eased his erection out – sighing comfortably at the release of pressure, and enjoying the feeling of the cool night air against his hot skin. He never took his eyes off the scene before him. He couldn’t, he was memorized, his senses enveloped by the vision, and sounds of this frenzied encounter. Suddenly and rather unexpectedly Levi found his mind flooded, his memories sparking like a fire - the feeling of Erwin pounding his ass in Farlan’s bed – the frantic desire, the uninhibited passion, the shared energy, the powerful connection. Then his mind quickly turned to the memory of being fucked against Erwin’s car bonnet – the intensity of Erwin’s domination, his carnal need, the force, the pain. Levi had begun to stroke himself off, languidly at first, almost cautiously, but quickly found himself working towards a punishing pace. His hand working furiously in pursuit of self-pleasure. He couldn’t be sure what scene he was looking at any more, the one from reality, or one from his memory. He erupted suddenly, expelling a tortuously, erotic moan, unable to supress the strength of his orgasm. He briefly caught the attention of the couple, who thankfully paid him little mind, turning back and quickly recovering their previous momentum. 

Levi watched until their movements became visibly erratic, and they began verbalising the anticipated pinnacle of their coupling. Levi couldn’t bear to share their ecstasy beyond that point, he felt like he was intruding on something too personal, his body too responsive to feelings and senses he didn’t have any right to share. He quickly tucked his still-sensitive cock back through his jeans fly and hurriedly left on the path, back down towards the cemetery entrance.

Ten minutes later Levi was back at the apartment. He was hard, again, his erection pressing painfully against the tightness of his jeans. He decided to deal with his arousal in the shower. He padded through the apartment to the bathroom, stripped and turned on the shower. Body quickly soaped, hot water pulsing over his skin, mouth open, masturbating furiously, filling his ass with as many fingers as would fit. He fantasized about a pair of ocean-blue eyes watching him. 

On Wednesday night Levi found himself heading back to Sina Vale, its draw feeling like a drug coursing through his veins. He headed over to the derelict chapel, sitting high, at the very top of the cemetery grounds. Hiding in the shadows he watched and waited. Soon a tall young man arrived, and lingered momentarily just inside the chapel’s ruinous shell. After a few minutes another man appeared and approached the taller man. Their lips locked instantly, their hands so impatient for touch eagerly roamed over one another’s bodies. They devoured each other, with hungry urgency – for taste, for touch – and Levi felt his groin stir instantly watching their palpable fervency. 

Clothes were quickly shed. Amongst the light breeze blowing through the trees that surrounded him, Levi could hear soft, breathy whispers of “god you’re so beautiful”, “make love to me”, “I love you, I need you, take me”, coming in punctuated gasps from the two men. Then the taller man hoisted his companion into a locked embrace, legs wrapped around waist, demanding mouths colliding, heavy breaths and delightful moans swallowed. Levi found himself again memorised, watching want become need, lust become desire, sex become something more, much more – all unfolding in an exquisite union of souls before his very eyes. A streak of envy flashed through Levi, as he began to palm his erection – at that moment his body and his soul craved to be consumed thus. A fire in the pit of his core rose abruptly and he could feel his climax peak suddenly, and then wash over him. He hadn’t even had chance to unzip his fly.

Again, like the night before, he quickly felt embarrassed watching this most exquisite of scenes unfold before him – like he was stealing something away from the two men, taking something that wasn’t his, wanting to be part of something that was out of reach. Trying hard to ignore the mess he’d made in the front of his jeans, Levi quietly slipped from his hiding place, and into the night, heading back to his apartment, confusion descending like a veil.

As the week rolled on Levi struggled hard to avoid the lure of Sina Vale and its nocturnal activities. But he knew it would be wrong to return. Sure his regime of running and cleaning had become rote, but unhelpfully its familiarity meant Levi had more headspace to think about other things. He almost fooled himself into believing that exposing himself to the vivid, sensual experiences of the vale had helped him rediscover who he was. 

That spark of an idea soon got Levi thinking about what other experiences he could seek out, what else might help him find himself again. When he took the time to reflect upon his experiences at Sina Vale, Levi suspected he might have developed a liking for watching sex, as much as participating in it. He’d never been one for porn, maybe in his teenage years, when he was keen to expand his sexual repertoire, but too anxious to look foolish when approaching older men who would be more experienced than him. A couple of previous partners, including Farlan had asked him to watch porn a few of times. They’d ended up mainly watching it whilst they’d fucked or were engaged in foreplay, but Levi had never really paid it much mind.

So Thursday night, instead of responding to the lure of Sina Vale again, Levi opted to watch some porn. Browsing through the video categories on his laptop, Levi clicked on the Daddy / Twink category. He was always conscious of the size difference between himself and most of his sexual partners, and if the difference was significant it always added somewhat to the kink of the encounter. He thought that category might fit the closest to his typical sexual experiences, and help get him off easily.

Levi viewed the first five videos in quick succession – lasting a total of 1 hour and 32 minutes. He failed to even get hard. The sex acts seemed so perfunctory, full of fake moaning, enacted without any spark or emotion – just dicks and holes. Levi hovered his cursor over the category list again, pausing for a moment to peruse the options, before deciding to shut the porn site down altogether. 

He was about to close his laptop up for the night, and head for yet another cleansing shower, when he stopped himself, and opened up the search engine and quickly typed in ‘Erwin Smith’. A few minutes of searching the image results and he found an image, and clicked on it. His screen filled with a huge body-shot of Erwin, dressed flawlessly in a navy-blue three-piece suit, light blue shirt, no tie. His blonde hair styled to perfection. His ocean-blue eyes, staring directly at the camera, and hint of a soft smile turning the corners of his mouth. “Fuck”. Levi said to himself, as he felt himself instantly harden, his skin prickling at the arousal. Instinctively he snapped his laptop shut and threw it down on the sofa beside him, as if burnt by the image before him. He couldn’t go there, he mustn’t go there – Erwin had walked away and Levi had been ultimately responsible for such an emphatic rejection. Levi was beginning to realise that want and need, lust and desire had become his downfall. What he wasn’t ready to accept was that they also might form part of his salvation.

\- - -

The following week Levi decided the bite-the-bullet and call Isabel. She was Farlan’s best friend, but had also become part of Levi’s incredibly small circle of friends in the two years he’d known her. Isabel was initially surprised to hear from Levi, given the time that had lapsed since his break-up with Farlan, but she sounded genuinely pleased to receive his call, and Levi was immediately reassured. He agreed to meet her for a spa day (her suggestion), the next day. But he made her promise not to talk about Farlan, he really didn’t want to hear about his new relationship, or anything about him at all. She reassured him she wouldn’t, as they made their plans to meet.

Visiting a spa wasn’t necessarily on the top of Levi’s list of places to hang-out however, though he accepted it would be a good opportunity to work through the tension he’d built up over the last few weeks - caused mainly by running and cleaning methodically each day. For once he decided to ignore the pain of his continued sexual tension, and do something a little more sociably acceptable. He decided a hot-tub soak, sauna and body massage whilst talking nonsense with Isabel and just taking the time to relax for once, would be an ideal way to spend the day.

Levi did start his Tuesday with a run, but opted for a shorter 7 mile route, before taking a quick shower, and packing a sports-bag with his swim-wear, a towel and flip-flops. They weren’t visiting one of the more expensive spas located out of the district that provided everything one would want, they’d just opted for a local cheaper venue that would just as suitably meet their needs.

An incredibly smiley Isabel was waiting for Levi outside the Spa Works, and as soon as she caught sight of him, she ran towards him, launching herself into his embrace. Hugging him fiercely. Levi tried hard to return the strength of the gesture, smiling to himself at her unbounded energy. “Good to see ya Levi”. She said, brimming with happiness. “Back at ya Izzy”. Levi replied, tugging at one of her pigtails, and allowing himself to be momentarily swept-up in her infectious positivity.

They paid their entrance fee, and separated briefly to head towards their respective male/female changing rooms - agreeing to meet at the hot tubs afterwards. Levi had a quick shower before changing into his swim-shorts, and meeting Isabel in the hot tub. He found it endearing that she was full of tales from work and general gossip, but was consciously avoiding any mention of Farlan. Levi began to instinctively relax in her company.

After about 40 minutes, their skin wrinkling from prolonged soaking in the hot tub, they decided to dry-off and head directly for their massage. Despite the calm surroundings, gentle music and the lulling sounds of running water emanating from the massage room, it was at that point that Levi’s awkwardness surfaced. Isabel had thankfully saved asking any questions about Levi up-until that point, and Levi was at least grateful that he didn’t have to face her directly as he pathetically skirted around the topics of his work, and of any potential new guys in his life. 

Isabel’s persistent, cheery probing of Levi was challenging enough, though his main feeling of discomfort in fact came from a different source. The deft hands of the young, male masseur, who after about 15 minutes of working on Levi’s back, were starting to make his skin crawl, and chill at their continued touch. Levi bit his lip, wondering how much more contact he could endure. Just as the masseur tapped him gently on his shoulder to indicate it was time to roll-over onto his back. Levi jumped off the table, as if something had bitten his ass, and announced to Izzy that he was heading to the sauna. He grabbed his towel, wrapping it securely around his exposed mid-drift and marched out of the room. Leaving Isabel and the masseur momentarily agog at his sudden and abrupt departure.

Isabel tentatively opened the sauna door and peered at Levi, who was sat, arms folded, eyes closed on the slatted pine bench. “Okay to join you?” Isabel enquired delicately. “Sure Izzy”. Levi said, not opening his eyes, put tapping the bench beside him. She hopped onto the bench and within moments started to breathe calmly, regulating her breathing with Levi’s. After giving into the silence for a few more minutes, Isabel finally spoke up. She was never one to stay quiet for long, Levi thought fondly. “You sure you’re okay?” Levi sighed deeply, trying to relax deeper into the heat of the sauna. “I will be Izzy … I will be”. Levi hoped his vague, but firm reply would shut-down any more questions that he wasn’t prepared to answer. And as if sensing his reticence to talk any further, Isabel leaned into his shoulder, and closed her eyes too.

It was nearing 4.30pm when they finally exited the sauna, showered, changed and re-grouped at the bar. Isabel had suggested staying for a drink or two, and Levi who had actually enjoyed having company for a change found himself agreeing. They decided on a cocktail each – Isabel choosing a Margarita, and Levi opting for a Lime Daiquiri. Looking around the wide expanse of seating in the bar, Isabel spotted a friend, waved manically in acknowledgement and proceeded to drag a rather reluctant Levi over to join them.

Introductions were made – Ymir and Krista – two young women, similar in age to Isabel. They were clearly a couple, Levi noted their entwined hands, and the loving glances that passed between them. They stood briefly to shake hands with Levi, who then coolly took his seat and slipped his cocktail. Isabel bubbled over in the extended company. Levi found himself again smiling softly at her unstilled enthusiasm. Levi learnt that Isabel knew Krista from work, and that Ymir and Krista had been together for only a couple of weeks. Ymir was surprisingly open in explaining the circumstances of their meeting.

Ymir had been working at Utopia – a renowned sex-club on the edge of the Maria District. A club Levi had heard of, but never visited. The slight, brunette explained she’d started at Utopia as a Club Companion. A Club Companion she clarified, entertained and attended to the desires of the club patrons. Although she expressed enjoyment as her time as a Companion, she’d quickly made the decision to become an Escort. She admitted she felt more comfortable choosing her client interactions, and building a rapport on a much more personal level. Krista had been her third escort client. Krista chipped in, when Levi looked at her questioningly, explaining that she’d employed the services of an escort to attend a family wedding – not wanting the embarrassment of attending alone. And well, their relationship had developed from there.

Levi wanted to know whether Ymir was still working as an escort, but he avoided broaching the question, somehow watching the closeness of this couple his query felt ill-timed. Ymir’s story did however strike a chord with Levi, he found himself still thinking of the pair, and their intended union as he returned to his apartment. The following evening he loaded the Utopia webpage on his laptop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 13 - the conspiracy of friends - to follow soon.  
> Thanks for continuing to read this fic.


	13. the conspiracy of friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally Hange and Mike start to put their heads together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to share the beginning threads of the background work Hange and Mike (and Dot) have been doing to try and sort out this mess between Levi and Erwin.  
> I suspect I'll dedicate another chapter to their plotting.  
> Enjoy - and thanks for sticking with.
> 
> (PS I know Krista / Historia, are one and the same person - but I've chosen to use them as two seperate characters here - it is a modern AU when all said and done)

After lunch on Tuesday, during Erwin’s second week back at work, Mike headed off to a meeting with Dot Pixis, the detective he’d employed to report on Levi’s movements. The meeting has been scheduled in his diary for some time. Merely an innocuous entry in his online work calendar should anyone choose to look. Mike drove back to his house, he’d planned to meet with the detective there at 2pm. Over the last five weeks he’d received four observational reports from Pixis, regarding Levi’s day-to-day activities. Today he was anticipating receiving the fifth report, and also have the chance to discuss continued surveillance with the detective. 

Mike made himself a coffee and sat at the breakfast in his kitchen. He spent a few minutes familiarising himself with the content of the first four reports. Obviously he’d read them thoroughly as soon as they’d been delivered, then he’d stored them safely away. He felt it necessary just to remind himself of any pertinent details before Pixis arrived, particularly for the purpose of identifying things he may want to explore further with the detective. He also knew he’d be discussing the report contents with Hange later that week. 

On reviewing the reports, Levi struck Mike as being a bit of a loner, barely leaving his apartment, and when he did, his actions seemed dictated by routine. What he did when he was holed-up in his apartment heaven only knows, Mike thought to himself. Though he quickly dismissed any need to speculate further, he was more interested in the activities Levi engaged in when he went out, especially at night. 

Mike knew Levi liked to frequent Corps. He vividly remembered Erwin’s pain and distress at retelling the incident in the back of the cab. Levi making out with a guy, Erwin being forced to watch. Mike suddenly felt immense sympathy for his friend – the poor guy had evidently fallen hard and fast for Levi. Therefore seeing from the first two reports that Levi had again visited Corps came as no surprise to Mike, but it heightened his pang of anguish toward Erwin. Then Mike noted, Levi had suddenly stopped going, and that did interest Mike. He made a mental note of exploring that detail further, with Hange, when he was ready to discuss the detective’s findings with them.

Mike read on, now revisiting the third report. “Oh yes” he thought reminding himself of another interesting detail. Levi had visited Sina Vale, a local cemetery, a couple of times in that third week, quite late at night. Pixis’s observations regarding Levi’s activities there had been a little sketchy, perhaps he’d found it difficult to follow Levi closely once in the cemetery. Mike honestly had no idea why Levi would visit Sina Vale late at night. He thought he knew most of what went off in the district, but – Sina Vale – he’d drawn a blank. Mike decided he’d ask Pixis for his opinion, and he picked up a pen, and circled the two entries in the report.

The fourth report contained the first real reference to Levi socialising. The report detailed how Levi had visited the Spa Works, meeting a female (possibly a friend) there, then later spending time at the Spa’s bar with said female and two other women. Mike wondered whether Pixis had discovered who those three women were. The final observation in Pixis’s fourth report intrigued Mike the most, and that was Levi’s two visits to Utopia, on the Friday and Saturday night. Mike knew about Utopia, he knew about its reputation, he’d visited once before, years back on a drunken night out. Mike also knew a little about Utopia’s owner – Rod Reiss, he also had quite the reputation as a bit of a shark. 

Utopia was an elite sex-club, catering for all sexual appetites and preferences. The club was located in a remote part of the outer Maria district, tastefully situated away from the suburbs. Utopia was frequented mainly by high-class business man and women: the wealthy elite. The extortionate entrance fee helped the club maintain a particular class of clientele. The club was spread over two floors: with a bar, dance-floors, a stage and private booths taking up most of the lower floor; and numerous play-rooms on the upper floor. Reiss employed high-class ‘workers’ to sell sexual fantasies, and entertain lone guests. Couples were also welcome at Utopia. They could engage in BDSM scenes in one of the play-rooms, have sex in a private booth, or even swap partners for the evening. The atmosphere was known to suit the voyeur, the opportunist and the willing participant. Mike remembered being embarrassingly overwhelmed on his first, and only visit – he chuckled to himself when he brought to mind his youthful modesty that night. Mike calculated that two visits to Utopia would have cost Levi at least £300 in entrance fees alone, and that was without paying for any drinks or any ‘added-extras’. Mike definitely wanted to know more about Levi’s activities at Utopia, and decided he’d probe Pixis further on this.

Mike had already discovered that Levi had visited Utopia, when the guys mentioned heading there after the poker night the previous Saturday. He felt particularly proud of himself for saving Erwin from the embarrassment of being dragged there by his men, only to see Levi engaged in god-knows-what. Erwin certainly didn’t need any further emotional instability at the present time. And with the information he had in front of him Mike couldn’t see any evident compatibility between Levi and Erwin. In Mike’s opinion, Levi certainly wasn’t behaving regretful: desperate maybe, but clearly not pining for Erwin. His actions wholly inconsistent with Erwin’s obvious emotion devastation.

\- - -

Pixis arrived in his battered grey Jeep at 2pm. He hurried into Mike’s porchway and knocked on the door. Mike opened his door, shook the man’s hand in greeting and let him in, inviting him through into the kitchen. Pixis held onto a small envelope, which he presented to Mike, as he took a stool at the breakfast bar. “Drink?” Mike enquired. “A scotch if you’ve got one Mike” Pixis replied. Mike raised his eyebrow a smidgeon, but didn’t comment. He retrieved a tumbler from an overhead cupboard, grabbed a half-full bottle of scotch from the kitchen side, and poured a good amount in the tumbler, before he handed it over to Pixis. “Cheers”. Said the old man, as he raised his glass to Mike then took a large gulp, gasping in satisfaction at the burn in his throat. 

As Pixis rolled the tumbler in his hand, regarding the amber liquid it held, Mike picked up the envelope he’d left on the breakfast bar, opened it, took out the contents and began reading. Mike’s eyes were immediately able to hone-in on the detail that Levi had indeed visited Utopia again in that fifth week: he’d visited twice, in fact. Mike sighed, and placed the report on top the other four that were sitting on his kitchen side.

“I’ve got a few questions to start with Dot”. Mike said, as he took the stool at the side of the detective. “Shoot”. Pixis replied, still hugging his scotch glass. “First off - what do you make of the visits to Sina Vale hmm? Paying his respects to a dead relative or something”. Mike enquired, rather sarcastically. “The Vale is a well-known gay cruising ground Mike”. Pixis exclaimed. Mike didn’t say anything, but his mouth opened in surprise, forming a wide ‘O’. “He probably went there to get some cock”. Pixis followed-up, shrugging rather nonchalantly. Mike was not shocked in the least by the older man’s candour – he suspected Pixis had probably seen just about everything in his time. 

“Okay, second – what’s he doing at Utopia Dot? You seem to be a little light on the detail here”. Mike said as he gestured towards the reports. “Thought that’d pique your interest Mike. Bit more upper-class for the little guy hey. For the first couple of visits I couldn’t follow him into the club, and that’s why my report was rather lacking in detail. Then I managed to arrange a meeting with Reiss, I had to pull a few strings at first, but he and I go way back, and the man owes me a few favours. We had a very interesting little chat about your man Levi, so we did”. Pixis smirked, leaning back on his chair and swilling the remains of his scotch around the tumbler.

\- - -

“What the fuck, he broke the guy’s nose!?” Hange exclaimed, pushing their thick glasses back onto their face, as they came up-close-and-personal with Mike’s. Mike was in Hange’s office at the clinic, slouched on their sofa. Two days had passed since he’d met with Pixis, and he realised he was totally out-of-depth with the information the detective had gleaned about Levi. He’d hoped Hange might bring a more level-headed approach to the matter, and perhaps apply a bit of psychology to the findings. “And he didn’t get blacklisted? What the actual … ??” Hange became over-excited at the detail Pixis had shared with Mike about Levi’s third visit to Utopia.

Apparently according to Rod Reiss, who always seemed to keep a close eye on the activities of his patrons, just for security reasons obviously, nothing to do with possible blackmail opportunities at all, Levi had visited Utopia twice, in quick succession. The first night he’d drank alone, and not stayed very long, an hour tops. Nothing in that seemed unusual to Reiss, often new patrons were overwhelmed with the choice on offer at Utopia, and preferred just to soak up the atmosphere on their first visit. On the second night, Levi had sat with Ymir and her partner Krista. Ymir and Krista, Mike explained to Hange, were the couple Levi had met in the spa earlier in the same week, which was detailed on Pixis’s fourth report. Reiss had informed Pixis that Ymir had been a club companion, but was now an escort, and she’d worked for him for around nine months. Levi had stayed a little longer during that second visit, but had remained in a booth talking to Ymir and Krista.

Levi had returned to Utopia the following week, initially choosing to sit alone again, but soon he’d attracted the attention of one of the club’s Companions, an experienced switcher called Dirk. Fit, blonde, charismatic – Dirk had joined him in one of the private booths and Levi had seemed initially willing. A short while later, Levi had followed Dirk up to the second floor, to one of the play-rooms. Only to exit about 15 minutes later, his exit tailed by a bloody-nosed, half-naked Dirk. Levi had apparently broken his nose, after a ‘misunderstanding’. Levi had paid for the extra ‘service’, then had calmly left the club. Reiss had decided not to take any action against the patron, his actual words to Pixis were that he’d “admired the little guy’s balls”.

On his fourth visit to Utopia on the Saturday, Levi had approach Historia, Reiss’s daughter, who often worked the floor in the club during the weekends, especially when Reiss found himself was holed-up in his office. Levi had briefly been introduced to Historia the night he’d drank with Ymir and Krista, Historia was an ex-girlfriend of Ymir’s. Levi had told Historia that he’d got a proposition to put to her father, and he wanted her to make the necessary introductions. She’d been persuaded by his over-confidence, and had found herself leading Levi up to Reiss’s office.

Reiss had laughed when Levi had told him he wanted to become a Club Companion. When he’d asked Levi what his particular skills-set was, Levi had replied flatly that he took a good cock. That apparently had made Reiss laugh even more. Levi had implied he needed money, and Reiss had taken pity on him. Reiss had politely declined Levi’s offer, and suggested he might like to try out as an escort instead. As an escort he’d enter of a pool of ‘talent’, and await to be selected by a discerning client, who’d pay good money for his company. Reiss didn’t trust the feisty young man working the floor at Utopia, and he could control him better should he ever be contracted for an escort job. He’d sent Levi away that night to think carefully about his proposal. Levi hadn’t given anything away during the meeting, not accepting nor declining Reiss’s proposal. Reiss had confided in Pixis that he doubted whether he’d ever see the scowling little man again.

At the end of Mike’s tale, Hange was sat beside him on the sofa, their knees pulled up to their chest, like a child listening to an enthralling yarn. “Wow, the little guy sure is an enigma Mike” they said. “Pixis’s observations have given me plenty to work with though”. “Really?” Mike said astonished.

Hange suddenly jumped to their feet, the five reports from Pixis grasped in their hand. They moved excitedly towards a grubby white-board on the wall opposite the sofa. “Let’s take the detail from the reports as they unfold Mike”, they said as they grabbed a blue white-board marker from the shelf under the board, and tore the lid off with their teeth.

Extreme chemical attraction to Erwin (?)

Is the first point they wrote on the board, adding a question-mark to emphasise the theory is as yet un-tested. Mike remained silent he squinted slightly to read Hange’s messy scrawl. “I have a theory Mike”. Hange said, not turning back to look at him. “Let me run with it, okay?”

 

Possible traumatic response to domination. Affecting sense of independence (?)

Is the second point they wrote on the board. Drawn directly from the detail of their therapy sessions with Erwin. Mike raised an eyebrow, but remained silent.

 

Withdrawal from social situations

“He seems like an anti-social little sod”. Hange chuckled at this deduction. Mike just hummed in agreement.

 

Casual sex / Corps – no longer the solution

“10 minutes for a threesome, somehow I don’t think so”. Hange stated, as they shuck the report clasped in their hand. “Maybe the little guy couldn’t get it up”. They followed, said very matter-a-factly. 

 

Fixed domestic routine

“Certainly indicates a need for order, to regain control. Somewhat safe though …” Hange mumbled. “Too safe for someone who routinely shags random men”. Then they briefly stood back to review the details they’d written on the white-board so far, before they added a sixth point.

 

Cruising – excitement? Thrill at being discovered?

“Hmmm – why does he stop at two visits though?” They asked themselves, as they tapped the whiteboard marker against their teeth. Mike chose just to sit back at watch the ‘genius’ at work. They were so far fixated in the detail, Mike was certain any input he could offer would just fly straight past them anyway.

 

UTOPIA

They wrote on the board in big capital letters, circling the word twice with their marker. “Hmmm. A chance to regain some control perhaps? Or widen the net …?” They contemplated, out-loud, as had become the norm.

 

At that point Mike decided to say something. “Control Hange, what do you mean? Levi seems to be doing exactly what he wants, when he wants, if you ask me”. “Well that’s where you are wrong Mike. Look at his pattern of behaviour” they said as they pointed to the scrawl on the whiteboard. “Everything he tries, he discards pretty quickly. Casual sex at Corps, cruising in Sina Vale. The only thing he manages to maintain are his domestic routines. His sense of control, in relation to sex has been shaken. Possibly by Erwin’s behaviour, possibly by residual trauma from their encounter, possibly by the strength of his attraction to Erwin – that at the minute is the unknown. But Utopia: he’s trying to use Utopia to redefine himself, hoping to regain some control. The broken nose incident obviously was a bit of a blip, the wrong buttons pushed perhaps. We have only one course of action - must try and make sure Levi gets in that escort pool. That, I can work with. I’ve got plenty of ideas. Speak to Pixis Mike. Make it happen! In the meantime, I know where I’m taking my lovely lady friend tomorrow night”


	14. the gamble (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter follows Levi’s POV, and the timeline from C12, elaborating on much of the detail discussed between Hange and Mike in C13. 
> 
> Levi visits Utopia, and deep-down he hopes it can offer him something he’s been looking for ever since Erwin Smith walked away from him, something to block-out his emotions. A proposal from the club owner and unbeknownst to him, Levi is beginning to be drawn into the perfect set-up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It seemed necessary to use the chapter to explore why Levi has been drawn to Utopia, and what he thinks it could offer him. We get to hear more about why he broke Dirk’s nose, and what exactly about Ymir’s story struck-a-chord with him.   
> It took me a while to draft this chapter, uncertain about the route the ficseeems to have taken. Not wanting it to seem too cliché. Only time will tell I suppose.
> 
> I’m not forgetting about poor Erwin, don’t worry. The next chapter will cover his continued readjustment to an emotionally-stilted life. But Mike will use his commitment to his company to force him to make a concession.

The idea of getting his own apartment had started to gradually enter Levi’s thoughts. It had been great to spend time, rent free, at his sister’s, especially whilst she was working away, but Levi craved his own space. He’d not had his own place for almost two years. He had quickly moved in with Farlan. It had become easy to stay over at his place a couple of nights a week at first, then before he knew it, he’d found space for his tea collection in Farlan’s kitchen, and for his toothbrush in his bathroom – and he’d moved in. A new place offered a chance at a new start – simple, idealistic logic that Levi could deceive himself with.

Levi found himself running past numerous estate agencies every morning on his run-route, checking the let-ads in the windows. Then stopping to collect a daily newspaper before he headed back to the apartment. He’d seen a couple of apartments that he had found himself showing more than just a passing interest in, but he’d stalled at arranging any viewings. Cash was pretty tight. Levi knew for a decent apartment in a good area he’d need at least £1200 for a deposit and the first month’s rent. Levi still received regular pay from the Rose Rooms, but he’d been returning it un-cashed. Levi refused to take advance of Keith’s kindness any more than he already had. And he’d not even decided whether he’d ever return to his job there. He’d still avoided contacting Keith, not wanting to be persuaded otherwise.

After meeting Ymir at the Spa, Levi had started thinking about other ways of raising the necessary down-payment for his own apartment. Ymir had seemed pretty comfortable talking about her job at Utopia. Levi had certainly found himself intrigued. When Levi had scrolled through Utopia’s website he’d felt drawn to the fantasy it promised. Of course Levi was no fool, he wasn’t looking for his happily-ever-after: he knew such promises were ultimately false. He’d refused to acknowledge however, that he’d become adept at lying to himself. Quashing his irrational desires in favour of an easier, simpler option. No – he’d told himself firmly - what interested him was exploring sexual pleasure in a clinical, emotionless environment, and perhaps opening up to the possibility of earning enough for a down-payment, should the opportunity present itself. Levi understood it was a gamble, the entrance fees alone for Utopia were £150 a pop, without paying for any additional extras. He needed little assurance that it would be worth it, in the long-run. An all or nothing risk, Levi had thought to himself, as he closed down the website. He wasn’t deterred by those odds.

Levi had never lacked confidence. That was often a personality trait people under-estimated in him. Just because he chose to be socially reclusive most of the time, it wasn’t because he was lacked self-assurance. He’d always preferred to conduct social and sexual, (yes - mostly sexual really) interactions on his terms: and in those circumstances he could be considered over-confident. Levi, like most people, had his comfort-zone: his was defined by the parameters of his sexual prowess, his high cleaning standards, and the coolness of personality. Levi hadn’t really considered his appearance to be something he’d cared that much about – apart from always being clean and comfortable, he never really given shit. That was until he’d dressed in his sharpest dress-suit to visit a sex-club: the incongruity rankled with Levi. He’d looked in the mirror, and had seen a fucking fraud looking back at him. “Tsk – get your fucking act together” he admonished himself. He’d later told himself in the taxi on the way to the club to think of the night as business. He’d always conducted business in a suit, so he should consider tonight as being no different. He’d still felt like a fucking fraud, as he’d forced himself through the front doors of the club, a scowl-expression on his face.

“Waste of 150 fucking quid”. Levi mumbled as he’d exited Utopia later that night. He’d spent the evening (well actually about an hour tops) stood near the bar, nursing a very expensive glass of scotch, unable to soften the scowl on his face. No-one had dared approach him. He’d watched everything. He’d observed everyone. The licentious decadence, the gratuitous spectacle, the fallacious pleasure. It hadn’t really done much for him. He’d had no revelation of want or desire, apart from maybe an urge to fleece some of the rich, foolish patrons of the cash in their wallet. 

He’d text Isabel the following day, and asked for Krista’s number. Isabel had tried to push him as to why he’d needed it, but he’d been typically vague, in an attempt to brush off her interest. He’d called Krista, and managed to speak to Ymir. He’d arranged to meet them at Utopia that night. He’d thought an insider’s opinion might help him see beyond the pretence and desperation he’d witnessed, that masqueraded as sexual unconventionality. The girls seemed happy to meet with him, and not too inquisitorial as to why. He couldn’t quite fathom why he was ready to spend another £150 that he didn’t have, to potentially arrive at the same conclusions he had the previous night. 

Ymir ended up being an incredibly astute woman, and without much prompting from Levi, she managed to divulge much about Utopia, much more than was on-show that night. Levi had been thankful for her frankness: a trait oft maligned, but one that had Levi appreciated. She’d said her time as a companion on the club floor had been received with mixed blessings. Ymir had started as a companion when a long-term relationship had ended, and in her words she’d “been fucked-up!” She’d actually dated the club-owner’s daughter for almost 4 years. She hadn’t taken the job at Utopia to exact any kind of revenge on her ex. She’d honestly admitted she’d forgotten who she was, and wanted to try and find herself again. 

Levi found himself warming to Ymir. He couldn’t help but make mental comparisons between her situation and his; between her needs and his. Levi wondered whether his interest in Utopia was purely about money, but he’d quashed the idea refusing to give it headspace. Ymir had expressed enjoyment in the power of enticing and seducing clients to pay for her company, but had struggled with ‘playing’ with some people, especially those who’d quite frankly repulsed her. Escorting was different, and Ymir had smiled and squeezed Krista’s hand when she spoke. Her profile was listed on a private website, to be considered by potential clients. They’d choose her for the personality she’d opted to portray, and she’d felt more empowered to reject a client, if needed to. 

Levi had asked Ymir how escort clients differed from those who visited the club. Ymir had explained that escorting was about an all-round experience, less about sex directly, more about making (or faking) a broader connection. Ymir also admitted that the more adventurous, exhibitionists who attended the club, were less likely to pay for an escort. Escorts were favoured by those who felt there was something missing in their lives, most typically a meaningful relationship, or even just a bit of arm-candy to take to a social event. Ymir had smiled fondly at Krista, with that statement, and had kissed her chastely. Though she’d quickly added both types of clients were likely to be equally rich. 

Levi considered Ymir’s appraisal of the difference between the two roles at Utopia, and immediately thought the companion role suited him better – quick fucks, all about the sex – even if he had to adapt to certain kinks. His personality didn’t particularly suit the broader skill demands of escorting, it’d likely expose his obvious weakness at social interaction. Though he shuddered wondering how many fat, balding rich blokes he’d have to seduce, and offer his ass to, in order to raise his down-payment. 

Levi had been rapidly talking himself into asking for a job at Utopia, somewhat swept up in his illusion, blocking out the voice in his head that continued to scream at him. Ymir had suggested that he return to Utopia again, another night, and try out a companion if he was seriously interested in the role. She’d recommended a guy called Dirk, apparently a seasoned professional, with, by-all-accounts, an incredibly big dick. If Levi had listened to that voice in his head, he’d have known that he wasn’t 100% certain he was interested in the role. It just was another avoidance tactic, helping him evade the painful reality of his life. But a guy with a big cock, now that definitely had piqued his interested, it wasn’t his usual style to turn one of those down. Levi had been conscious another trip to the Utopia would cost at least another £150 in entrance fees alone. Levi avoided discussing prices for sexual favours, and added extras with Ymir. It seemed inappropriate to discuss such things openly with her, in front of her new partner. Levi wasn’t normally so considerate, but something about the tenderness and adoration that constantly passed between the two women made Levi feel he’d needed to be respectful of their fledgling relationship. Levi decided he’d ask for the price list from the front desk when he left.

The following Friday Levi found himself handing over another £150 and entering Utopia for the third time. He ordered another extortionately priced scotch at the bar, and headed over to take a private booth, alone. He’d sat there alone for a while, feeling like a bit of a sad fuck. He’d spotted a tall bulky, blonde circling the booths touting his wares – which were pretty fucking obvious in the excessively tight pants he was sporting. “Dirk!” Levi exclaimed to himself. He’d adopted his most sultry glare in order to get the man’s attention. It had worked, it had only taken a further, agonising 10 minutes, for the idiot to notice him.

Dirk had walked over to Levi finally, and sat beside him, languidly resting his arm over the back of the booth behind Levi and appraising him all over, with his narrow, hazel eyes. Quickly Levi had found Dirk’s hand rubbing against his thigh, as he moved in to whisper into his ear. Levi, at that point, hadn’t found himself the least bit aroused by this ‘seasoned professional’, but he’d told himself this was as much for research purposes, as it was pleasure. So he’d decided to roll with it. Having been wrestling with his internal monologue meant Levi hadn’t really paid that much attention to what Dirk had actually said to him. All he’d picked-up on was that Dirk had asked Levi if he’d wanted to ‘play’, and Levi had quickly acquiesced. “No point in wasting time”. Levi had thought to himself. He’d found himself being led firmly and securely in Dirk’s grasp up a sweeping staircase to the first floor of the club, along a rather innocuous looking corridor, to a vacant ‘play room’. 

The ‘play room’ had been kitted out to look like a school classroom, with a series of wooden desks and chairs, and a chalkboard on the far wall. Levi had rolled his eyes at the sight. How fucking obvious he’d thought, for Dirk to choose a teacher / pupil kink, given their evident size difference. There had been no foreplay, or nothing Levi could’ve identified as foreplay, anyhow. Dirk’s size and heavily build meant he’d quickly overpowered Levi, forcibly bending him over the nearest desk. “You’re gonna take my cock little boy”. He’d growled into Levi’s ear. “I’m gonna make you learn the hard way”.

Levi had shivered at the hot breath against his skin – but in doing so he’d clearly given off the wrong signal. Soon Levi had felt Dirk’s right hand pressed firm against his lower back, pinning him flat to the desk, effectively restricting his movements. He’d felt Dirk’s left hand making deft work of his trouser fly, and then he’d felt his trousers suddenly pool around his calves. He’d sensed Dirk fumbling to pull his own member out. “Shit!” Levi thought, he shuddered at the painful familiarity of the feeling. He’d instinctively known Dirk was planning to breach him with no prep whatsoever. Levi had started to tremble, uncontrollable emotions welling inside of him. He found himself bucking hard against Dirk’s hold. Then swiftly he’d found himself turning, and lashing out with a tensed fist. He’d heard the breaking of bone when he made contact with Dirk’s nose. Quickly, he’d hoiked-up his pants and trousers, and headed to make a swift exit. Nearing the end of the corridor, Levi sensed an enraged Dirk storming after him. He’d not panicked, but merely chosen to sweep down the staircase, main exit in sight. He’d thrown £100 at the bemused woman on the desk, and left the club, without looking back. 

Later that night Levi had become conscious he was huddled in the floor of his shower cubicle. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been there, frantically scrubbing his skin clean. He’d felt sickened. He’d known there was something broken in him. He’d wondered whether he’d ever be able to enjoy being touched again. Whether he’d ever be able to submit to the pleasure that presently, his mind and body was so willing to reject. Raw, wet hands had cradled his ruddy face. Numbness had descended like a veil. The vessel of his soul ached with emptiness. He’d felt devoid of any tangible logic to ground himself to. Levi had hugged his body tightly, as he felt the last trace of himself slip away, beyond his reach.

As morning broke a new Levi had emerged. Detached, hardened, resolute. The incident with Dirk, pushed down deep within his psyche, essentially irretrievable. The emotion and wanting it had stirred, disregarded. He’d slept a dreamless sleep for the first night since meeting Erwin and finally shed the emotional baggage that he’d carried with him. He’d decided to put that fucker Dirk to shame. He was going to try his hand at becoming a Utopia companion. That night, he’d approach the club’s boss and offer his services. Levi had decided not to discuss his decision with anyone. He wasn’t prepared to be swayed. The opinions of others no longer matter. He’d made his mind up. This was to be his path now.

\- - -

The arrogant bastard had laughed at him, laughed in his face. Levi’s face had stung with embarrassment and shame. He’d never reacted well to personal humiliation. He’d felt his fists clench at his sides. It had taken all his resolve not to take a swing at the smug fucker. Reiss had just sat there, in his pompous regality. His thin, seedy-looking moustache quivering as he’d amused himself at Levi’s expense. Apparently Levi had damaged one of the club’s best ‘assets ’. Reiss had implied Levi didn’t have the right attitude to ‘service’ his most loyal customers. He’d pose a potential liability which the club’s reputation couldn’t afford. Regardless of how good he took cock, Reiss had rather sarcastically paraphrased Levi’s own words. Their opinions differed evidently, but it had been fruitless to labour on it.

Suddenly the older man’s face had softened – maybe it was pity – perhaps he was testing Levi’s resolve. He’d paused in thought, then he’d offered Levi an alternative proposal. Levi had waivered. Unwilling to submit to the proposal put before him. His gamble hadn’t paid off. He’d left the club dejected. Reiss had extended the gesture of complementary return visits to the club, for the period that his offer stood: only one week. Both men had been unwilling to bend, both suspected Levi wouldn’t return again to Utopia.


	15. the gamble (part 2)

In the weeks that immediately followed the end of his therapy Erwin had found himself merely existing: going through the motions of his day-to-day life, relying on his schooled practicality to maintain some semblance of normalcy. Erwin had immersed himself in the pedestrian routine of work: pulling long hours, chasing new contracts, driving for better deals. His public persona was stoic, strong, even ruthless at time: but it was all a front, and it had become harder and harder to maintain. Privately he was broken, beyond repair. He’d denied himself any personal satisfaction from his work. His feelings had become redundant, undeserved: unworthy to be expressed. His life lacking in any real optimism or joy.

He’d finally driven his BMW to work. But only once – he’d stopped twice to open the car-door and vomit by the road-side during the fifteen minute journey. He’d sold the BMW that afternoon, for a price far cheaper than it was worth, but he didn’t care. He’d replaced it with a silver Lexus the next day. The irony of discarding all physical associations with Levi hadn’t been lost on him. He’d known he’d never be able to cast off his shame. He’d known his actions failed to mitigate against the intensity of his longing.

Erwin actively avoided socialising. He’d frequently found himself turning down offers of after work drinks, or lad’s nights out. At work the customary banter between colleagues in the staff-room merely washed over him. To his staff he’d become distant, hardened, and although it was clear the staff found this turn-around in Erwin’s character irreconcilable, they never openly expressed their views.

Erwin hadn’t been able to avoid Mike though, and a part of him didn’t want to. Mike understood, Mike was patient. Mike came round to Erwin’s every Friday, without fail, for their now-standard lad’s night in. He’d bring beer, and sometimes a movie: other times he’d bring beer and a sympathetic ear. He’d allow Erwin to cry on his shoulder, he’d provide him with copious amounts of hugs and encouraging words. He’d provide the necessary distractions to stop Erwin falling apart. Erwin had known that the disjunction between his unhappiness and Mike’s happiness was challenging for Mike, so one night he’d asked to meet Nanaba.

Erwin was finally introduced to Nanaba, just after she and Mike had been dating for over a month. Mike had chosen the safe setting of his own home to make the introductions. Erwin had found Nanaba to be refreshingly blunt, and incredibly astute. He’d thought to himself how two of them made a perfect match. In Erwin’s presence, the couple had avoided any physical displays of affection, save for the odd touch, here and there. Erwin had been grateful for their sensitivity. Erwin couldn’t help the pang of jealously he’d felt in their company. Observing the strength of attraction between them, made his heart ache. The fact they were together, and could just be, was something Erwin yearned for. He’d later, when alone, admonished himself for indulging in unnecessary and unobtainable fantasies – supressing them deep-down in the pit of his despair. Erwin would have never denied Mike happiness though, and he’d been comforted to know Nanaba had brought happiness into Mike’s life.

The night after meeting Nanaba Erwin had dreamed of Levi. It had been the most vivid dream Erwin had ever experienced. Before he’d headed to bed Erwin had recalled the words he’d written in his ‘fictitious’ letter to Levi, and his heart had begun to ache uncontrollably. In his dream Erwin had been able to enact all of his fantasies, turn back the clock: to finally be, with the only person who’d ever set his soul aflame. Their connection had started with that first taxi journey, that spark of attraction, just as it had done in reality - but in his dreams that spark grew to something safe, almost conventional, though still passionate and exciting. The spark, led to the chase: mild flirting to begin with, then soon a first date. Chaste kisses on the door-step, light touching of warm hands, later progressing to grinding against one-another on the sofa.

Erwin wasn’t a prude, far from it, but in his dreams he’d acted like the perfect gentlemen. He’d wooed Levi. Erwin had been able to express his captivation towards Levi, and more importantly he’d showed restraint. Levi had blushed at Erwin’s reverence, but inevitably he’d yielded to Erwin’s devotion. When they’d reached the point where they were both sufficiently seduced, they’d made love for the first time. It had been special and loving, and had left them both breathless. They’d kissed passionately, stealing gasps from each other’s mouths, tasting and sharing sensuousness with their lips and tongues. Erwin had showered Levi in adoration. He’d worshipped every inch of Levi’s body, first devouring him with his eyes, then his hands, then his mouth. He’d whispered breathless words which spoke of Levi’s beauty, his perfection, and Levi had reciprocated. 

They’d been intoxicated by their spiritual and physical compatibility. They’d thoroughly explored each other, responding to the strength of attraction to each other with unbounded passion. When they’d made love, their bodies had moved together in wondrous union. They’d forged bonds that were unbreakable. The frantic, raw, lust-filled sex had come later, obviously. As inhibitions crumbled, and love had been expressed, and they’d offered up their hearts to one another. But their first time had been pure perfection. 

Erwin had awoken from his dream feeling tears streaming down his face, and a sharp pain in his chest. He’d instinctively squeezed his eyes shut, trying to recall his dream, willing himself to remain there, just for a little longer. But it hadn’t work. Upon waking the harsh reality of his life had hit him hard, he’d sat up in bed, alone, cradling his face, trying to comprehend what had just happened. He’d just constructed a near-perfect fantasy of a love he’d ruined, of something he’d never have the opportunity to offer his heart to.

\- - -

Days had bled into weeks, everything enacted mechanically. Erwin’s anxiety had resurfaced, initially with alarming frequency. Erwin had found himself need to speak to Hange most evenings. With their advice he’d become better at controlling his episodes. Then his anxiety gradually became less and less, but it was replaced with a heavy cloud, hanging over Erwin, weighing him down. And although he’d tried, especially with his friends, to conceal it – he’d noticed as the weeks passed how their concern and patience slowly changed into frustration and pity. They’d all been ready for Erwin to move on, he was still trapped in his personal hell.

In the early days, after his therapy, Erwin had compiled a track list, containing music he could cry to, lament to: music that moved him. Erwin had very catholic music tastes, so it had taken him some time to select the right songs for his track list. He’d ordinarily listen to more up-beat music, but his current circumstances had turned that interest on its head. Erwin wasn’t overly bothered about gendered expressions of loss and love in songs, he just knew they had to move him, and the lyrics had to articulate what he needed them to. Once complied, he’d spend his evenings playing the track list over and over again. Sitting in his lounge alone, allowing the songs’ lyrics prompt some emotional reaction from him. He knew it was part of his obsessive malaise, but he didn’t care. The songs made him hurt, and he needed to hurt.

One Saturday night, almost a month after his release from Hange’s clinic, Erwin had been sat in his lounge, slumped on his sofa, scotch in hand, half-way through his track list, which was currently playing – Crowded House: Don’t dream it’s over – lost, singing along to the lyrics - There is freedom within, there is freedom without. Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup. There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost. But you'll never see the end of the road while you're traveling with me – when he’d heard a frantic, repeated knock on his apartment door. Erwin had reluctantly dragged himself off the sofa, stumbling slightly, dizzy from alcohol, whilst heading for the door.

Erwin had fumbled with his keys trying to turn them in the lock, then opened his door to be confronted with the grinning face of Hange, shaking a large bottle of what looked like Russian vodka. “Hi Erwin, we’ve come to join you for some drinkies” they said, barging through the door, followed by a rather apologetic looking Dr Ral, Petra. “Good to see you again Erwin”, she’d said, not offering her hand, but rather skirting past Erwin and into his apartment. Erwin let out a big sigh, closing the door behind him, and following the two into the lounge. “I see you started without us”. Hange said, gesturing to the empty scotch glass on his coffee table. “Got any glasses for this baby”, as they shook the vodka bottle at Erwin, again. “Sure” Erwin replied. “Make yourselves comfortable, I’ll be back shortly”. 

Erwin had walked into his kitchen, trying to steady his breathing, as he’d felt his anxiety begin to rise. He’d have much preferred an evening alone, wallowing in his self-deprecation, drinking his troubles away, but his politeness couldn’t rightly turn the pair away. He’d grabbed a couple of glasses from the cupboard, and walked back to the lounge, to his waiting guests. The song – Snow Patrol: It’s beginning to get to me - was playing, louder than he’d usually have it with guests in the apartment. Erwin having left the two glasses with Hange, moved to turn the music to a lower volume, but stopped himself from turning it off completely. Hange raised an eye-brow at the rather saccharine track, but thankfully for Erwin they’d kept their comments to themselves. 

As Hange had cracked open the vodka bottle, and was starting to pour an obscene amount into the three glasses, without any sign of a mixer, Erwin’s doorbell rang again. Erwin moved to answer it, and he’d suspected he knew who it was before he’d even opened the door, and he’d been right. Mike stood in the hallway, looking sheepish, hugging a crate of beer against his chest. Followed by Nanaba, was holding a bottle of scotch – the good stuff: single malt - Erwin had noted. Wordlessly he’d let them in the apartment and ushered them through to the lounge. He’d quickly realised this had been a ploy, probably orchestrated by Mike and Hange, to give poor-old-Erwin some much needed company. He’d smiled gently at their tenacity. Mike nodded at Hange and Petra, and took a seat on Erwin’s sofa, joined swiftly Nanaba. Erwin, had dutifully taken the crate of beer to the kitchen, depositing it in the fridge. Bringing a couple of bottles for him and Mike, and a glass for Nanaba, which had been promptly filled with vodka, by Hange. 

They’d all sat, their brief silence filled with Erwin’s track-list, which had changed to the song – Keane: Bed-shaped. “So, how you doing Erwin? It’s been ages since I’ve seen you, and you haven’t called me in a while.” Hange said pointedly, breaking the silence. “I’m good Hange, keeping busy”. Erwin said, attempting to shrug off their concern, he really didn’t need pressing about his current mental state in extended company. “How about you Mike?” Hange, thankfully had turned their attention to the taller blonde. “Good Hange. This one makes it all better”. Mike said, drawing Nanaba closer towards him on the sofa. 

Erwin shifted uncomfortably on his seat. He’d inadvertently found himself surrounded by couples, struck by the irony of the poignant sound-tracks of longing playing on his stereo. And although he couldn’t fault their attempts to support him, he’d begun to feel out-of-place in his own apartment. Even being privy to minor observations of their intimacy terrified him. So being faced with two very loving ‘newish’ couples in his apartment became almost too much for Erwin to bear. He’d concentrated on his beer, idly peeling off the bottle label, and sitting rather fretfully in his seat.

The group must have sensed a shift in Erwin’s level of comfort, because they’d kept the conversation light, for a time. Filled with memories and stories from their college days, which resulted in much ribbing and hilarity from Nanaba and Petra. Erwin had attempted to play the good host – topping up everyone’s drinks, laughing in the right places, responding to comments when required – his false attentiveness sickened him. 

Much later in the evening, Hange, who’d clearly had way too much to drink, had started talking about their visit, with Petra, to Utopia, for a bit of ‘sexual adventure’. Mike and Nanaba had been intrigued, and had avidly pressed Hange to reveal more information. As the conversation had become more detailed, more explicit Erwin, had swiftly excused himself from the group, and headed to his bathroom, splashing his face with cold water, heart-racing at an overwhelming pace. He could hear Hange still regaling their tale, lavishing the attention, as he’d left the bathroom and retreated to his bedroom. He’d wanted no part of such an insalubrious conversation, the uninhibited casualness of the topic disturbed him. Part of him had felt angry at Hange’s evident lack of tact, but the other part of him had known that healthy conversations about sex were normal in adult company – and it was his indignity that had made him so uncomfortable and driven him away from the group.

Fifteen, or so minutes had passed and Erwin who’d been reclining on his bed, heard a soft knock at his bedroom door. Dr Ral, Petra, opened the door and had asked gently “am I okay to come in Erwin?” Erwin scrabbled to sit up-right and had replied “sure”. “You were uncomfortable back there Erwin, weren’t you? Is that why you’ve retreated into here?” Erwin didn’t reply. “I’m sorry the conversation topic caused you some distress. Hange can be too candid for their own good sometimes”. Petra said, knowing. “It’s okay Petra, really. Friends shouldn’t have to censor themselves around me, just because I can’t handle talking about sex”. Erwin responded, rather weakly. 

Petra had taken a deep sign, and replied “what you are experiencing Erwin is a deep-rooted psychological reaction to a distressing incident. You will find the tools to address your issues. You just need to give yourself time, and most importantly be kind to yourself”. Petra was trying hard to maintain eye-contact with Erwin as she spoke, but Erwin had broken her stare, too uncomfortable with her compassion. She had quickly followed saying “We are sensitive to your needs, all of us here tonight Erwin. But you’re right, we should not ‘censor ourselves’, as you put it. It will do you no favours in the long run. There are things you have to face, and we can’t shield you from them forever”. “I don’t foresee me ever resolving my issues Petra. That’s the stark reality I have to face”. Erwin stated, tears glazing his eyes. “Oh you will Erwin, you will, given time. You are still young, you have a great future ahead of you. Your business is successful. You are handsome, kind, faithful - you have lots to offer someone special. Think on what I’ve said Erwin, be kind to yourself and be open to change”. Petra had left Erwin sat on his bed gently shaking his head, unable to comprehend the optimism in her words.

\- - -

Both Erwin and Mike had been chasing new business for the company via a contract tender portal since Erwin’s return from therapy, and so far the process had proved fruitful. In the few weeks that the portal had been ‘live’ Titan Taxis had already secured a lucrative contract transporting pupils to-and-from a special school in the Stohess District, and another contract covering clubs owned by Rod Reiss, for transporting both clients and staff (fortunately for Erwin, the contract hadn’t included Utopia). Erwin had expanded his driver pool as a direct result of the new contracts, employing ten new drivers. Business had really began to flourish.

A few weeks previous, both Erwin and Mike had been keen to tender for a potentially huge contract with Uri Reiss, the brother of Rod. The contract involved transporting wealthy holiday makers to-and-from a new Ice Resort in the mountains on the outer, northern edge of the Kanese District. The resort was a 4 hour drive away, and required a fleet of top-of-the-range vehicles, only the best for Uri Reiss’s customers. Erwin had believed the financial investment required to upgrade his fleet worth the risk, given the tremendous value, and cachet of winning the contract. Having submitted the tender proposal, inclusive of the most competitive price Erwin was willing to go to, the contact had genuinely slipped to the back of Erwin’s mind. He’d always given little attention to potential tenders until the decision date came around. Which for the Ice Resort contract had been quite a few weeks after the tender submission deadline. Other work soon had taken priority, and the contract was all but forgotten.

A heavily gilded envelope had arrived at the Titan Taxi HQ, addressed to Erwin. Erwin had opened it, intrigued as to its contents. The envelope had contained an invite from Uri Reiss, inviting Erwin (plus one) to attend a preview weekend at his Ice Resort. An invite apparently extended to all the potential contract tenderers. Erwin hadn’t given the invite much consideration really, having read its contents – he’d merely returned it to its gilded envelope, and written MIKE in capital letters on the front, popping it in his pigeon-hole as he’d headed to make his third coffee of the day. 

Towards the end of the same day, Mike had joined Erwin in his office, clutching the gilded envelope. Waving it at Erwin, Mike had said “typical Uri Reiss, always was a flashy bastard. Bet it’s costing him thousands to put on this event”. “Probably” Erwin had replied flatly, still scrolling through his emails. “Good opportunity to check out the competition though. I’ll bet Ness will be there, with his dog of a wife. Or maybe his mistress”. “Well Survey Taxis are our closest competitor Mike, so it’s highly likely he’ll be there. You’ll just have to be a civil as you can be, if you’re forced to talk to him”. “What do you mean Erwin? I won’t be going – this kind of event is much more your domain than mine. You’re the strategic thinker, you’re the boss”. “I thought you could go in my stead Mike, take Nanaba. Enjoy a free weekend on Uri”. Erwin had replied rather dismissively. “No Erwin, I won’t be going”. Mike had said as firmly as he’d been able to, conscious that although he was Erwin’s friend, he was also Erwin’s employee.

“Fine Mike. I’ll go, I’ll take Armin”. Erwin had replied rather sharply. “Fuck sake Erwin, you can’t take Armin, when everyone else is taking their partners. You’ll look like … like a …” Mike had stopped himself, knowing he’d gone too far. Erwin had picked up on Mike’s intention and snapped back “I’ll look like a what, Mike? A fucking fool? A sad bastard? What will I look like?” “Sorry Erwin, I just meant I didn’t want you to look weak in front of all those big-hitters. You know I’m pretty sure Nanaba’s friend Marie would be willing to go with you. She seems really nice Erwin. Nanaba has been hinting about her to you for a while now”. “I don’t need you, or Nanaba to play matchmaker for me Mike. So please shelve that idea, right now!” Erwin had started shouting, his blood pressure rising. He’d lent back in his chair, and started to rub his temples, feeling his anxiety rising with every word spoken. 

Mike had watched Erwin, he knew he’d been handed the perfect opportunity much sooner than he’d imagined. He just needed to tread carefully, so he’d spoken again choosing his words with caution. “You’ve got to go Erwin, you know it’s too important to the company, you can’t just toss it off”. We could arrange a discrete ‘business’ arrangement for the event. Someone to accompany you, who can play the necessary part”. Mike had spoken as softly and carefully as possible, putting his crafted proposal to Erwin. Erwin had merely glared up at Mike, and almost lost it. “What, like a fucking escort!? Pay someone to pretend to like me. Is that what my life amounts to? A sad fuck who has to pay people to bear to be in my company. I don’t want to talk about this anymore right now Mike”. “Fine!” Mike had spat back at him. “I’ll leave the decision entirely in your hands. It’s your company when all said and done”. He’d then turned on his heels and stormed out of the office, slamming the door abruptly behind him.

\- - -

Later that evening, after drinking nearly half a bottle of scotch, Erwin had texted Mike.  
> Make the necessary arrangements<

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think what the plot was leading up-to was obvious to everyone, except Erwin and Levi.  
> No apologies - they've gotta get it on some how, some way.
> 
> I'd be interested to hear your suggestions for other songs Erwin might have on his track list ...
> 
> PS I know my tense has messed up in these last few chapter - I will go back and standardise at some point. Hope it doesn't detract too much from the story.


	16. the contract

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi's job as an escort proves to be a little different from what he thought.  
> Then he's offered the ultimate job, with financial benefits that would get him his new apartment - but will he accept?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes in this chapter.  
> I've rushed my arse-off to get this one out asap.  
> Apologies if there's a bit of a delay with the next one - PhD work awaits :(  
> Didn't mean to leave it on such a cliff-hanger (did I?) Damn that Hange and Mike!!
> 
> Enjoy. Comments and kudos always welcome.
> 
> Ps the furs were synthetic. Thanks for the nudge.

Levi had decided to accept Reiss’s job offer, he was just too stubborn to show any weakness to a man like him, and he’d blown enough money chasing this stupid idea to give up now. So he’d returned to Utopia the following Friday to give Reiss his decision. He’d obviously made use of the free entry to the club, and after speaking to Reiss and agreeing to prepare an escort profile for him (lord knows what the fuck he’d write), he’d gone into the club to have a few drinks. As had been his usual style, Levi had secreted him, alone in a private booth. He’d been quietly sipping his scotch, and enjoying the floor show provided by a group of young and very naked male dancers, when he’d been joined at the booth by a couple. The club was busy, clearly, it was late Friday evening, but Levi had still baulked at the idea of ‘forced’ company. 

Initially the couple had paid him little mind, they sat groping one another and whispering in each other’s ears. Quickly the smaller female noted Levi’s glare, and stopped to speak “I’m Petra, sorry I hope you didn’t mind us commandeering your booth”. “It’s a free country”. Levi had replied flatly, turning again to concentrate on the floor show. “I’m Hange. It’s our first time here. Any tips?” Levi looked at the individual, blankly. “Why don’t you ask someone who gives a shit?” He’d said rather sharply. “Well given that you’re here, I’d have guessed you gave a shit”. They replied pointedly. “What did you come here for?” They stared at Levi though incredibly thick glasses. “A job, as a matter of fact shitty-glasses, not that it’s any of your business”. Levi had huffed, as he’d crossed his arms defensively. “Oh. You gonna be one of the clubs new twinks – eh?” They’d taunted in reply. “Tsk” was all Levi had been able to respond with.

“Hey, let me get you a drink errr…?” “The name’s Levi – and I’m drinking scotch. Make it a double”. “Sure thing lil’ twink”. Hange had said hopping out from the booth, and bouncing over to the bar. Levi looked over at Petra, and rolled his eyes. Petra had just smirked in response. Momentarily Hange was back, juggling three glasses. Levi took his which was carefully balanced at the front of the group of glasses. He took a deep swig, and winced at the burn. “The job’s actually escorting”. Levi admitted, partly to avoid any further cutting twink references from Hange. “Ah” Hange had replied. “Why escorting, if you don’t mind me asking?” Petra had spoken up. “Nosey fucking pair, aren’t you!” Levi had said. “Easy money, no messiness. If you really wanna know”. “Ah” Hange repeated, having just downed what had looked like a triple, neat vodka. Then Hange’s bravado had kicked in. “In my experience people who choose those kinds of options for employment are in fact running from something pretty significant in their life. Wouldn’t you agree Petra my dear?” “Yes my dear. People frequently choose to chase the promise of emotionless lives, because they often can’t face up to strong emotional stimuli”. Petra replied, slurring her words somewhat, which obscured the legitimacy of her statement. “Who the actual fuck are you two? A pair of fucking head doctors or what?” Levi had replied, astounded by the sudden heaviness of the conversation. “Psychiatrists actually”. Hange had replied matter-a-factly, as Petra nodded in agreement rather lazily. “Oh fucking great!” Levi had said, crossing his arms again, and shifting a little further away from the pair as he did so.

\- - -

Levi had taken quite a few hours drafting his escort profile. He’d managed to take an acceptable photograph of himself, not smiling obviously, but not looking like he wanted to murder someone either. But when it had come to drafting the words that were to present him to would-be clients he’d found that task much harder.  
-  
Rivialle, 29.  
Petite, gay male. Enjoys running and cleaning. Strong-willed. Not much of a conversationalist, but not stupid either.  
-  
And that had ended-up being the profile he’d asked Reiss to upload to Utopia’s escort website. No point lying, Levi thought, who’d give a shit anyway. Apart from his name, he’d chosen to use the more archaic spelling of Levi, just in case. Levi still valued maintaining his privacy, when and where he could.

\- - -

Levi’s first couple of escort jobs had trickled in slowly over the course of a few weeks. The fee he’d earned wasn’t never going to get Levi to where he needed to be financially, but the jobs, thankfully have proven to be easy money. He’d been contracted first by a young female called Sasha, she’d been younger than Levi, but clearly wealthy. She’d contracted him to attend a party with her. And it had soon transpired Levi’s presence was clearly a ruse to make a certain young man, who Sasha was infatuated with, jealous. Levi had been forced to stay on Sasha’s arm for most of the evening. He’d watched her glance longingly over to the other man, who’d just about been spitting with envy by the end of the night. They’d been nothing hinky about the job, and Levi had earned £500 for his patience. 

Levi’s second contract had been with from a man called Eld, quite an attractive man, a bit older than Levi, and clearly gay. Levi had been Eld’s coming-out surprise at a family gathering. It had been awkward, tearful (not on Levi’s part) and exhausting. Levi had, however, remained stoic throughout the entire affair, and had received a mere thank-you kiss on the cheek from Eld for his troubles. Eld already had a partner that he was deeply in love with, but hadn’t wanted to subject him to the potential homophobic remarks from his family. Levi had been understanding, and in the end, his services hadn’t been needed. Eld’s family had been incredibly accepting. Levi had wished Eld good luck, and again had earned himself £500 from the contract.

Fortunately Levi hadn’t needed to return to Utopia after his jobs, to pick up his pay, Reiss had paid his fees directly into his bank account. So he’d be able to avoid returning to the club for those two weeks. Which to be honest he’d been relieved about, the scene there really hadn’t done much for Levi, apart from make him feel more-and-more lonely. The rather strange meeting with the two drunken psychiatrists hadn’t left Levi’s thoughts either, and he’d frequently pondered whether there was any truth in their words. Was he really and truly using escorting to run from his emotions?

\- - -

Levi had begun to feel oddly comforted by the absence of any sexual demands to his escort work. He’d been informed by Reiss that sexual favours were not included in his flat-fee, and were to be agreed at his discretion (unless specifically requested by the client, then the club would take their usual cut). As soon as Levi knew his client would be a man, he’d always had the presence of mind to prepare himself for sex – douching thoroughly, and opening himself up on his fingers – just in case his client was interested. 

The issue of sexual extras hadn’t been an issue until his third escort contract. He’d been contracted by a man called Kitz, a bit of a rogue by all accounts, with a penchant for young boys. Levi’s slight frame and boyish looks had evidently given him the advantage over other escorts on Reiss’s books. He’d been contracted to accompany Kitz to a race-day at the local race-course, then a formal evening dinner, but by the way Reiss had spoken about him, Levi had suspected they’d be more on the menu than just betting and dinner. 

Levi had learnt quickly that Kitz was an incredibly wealthy man, an owner of racehorses, and the biggest training stables in Maria. The man had been in his element at the race-course, and had dutifully shown Levi off to all his pervy old mates, making Levi cling-on tight to his arm. Kitz had initially treated Levi like his little pet, giving him money to place his bets – and Levi hadn’t broken a sweat spending the old codger’s money. He’d been irritated by Kitz’s insistence to swat his ass, every time he’d headed off to place a bet. But the guy had paid £1000 for Levi’s company, and so Levi bit his tongue and endured the annoyance. The evening dinner had been innocuous enough, good food and copious amounts of alcohol: it was just the company that had really begun to turn Levi’s stomach. Kitz was a grotesque man, face full of an un-kept beard and horribly sunken eyes. 

As the night had wound down, Kitz had whispered in Levi’s ear, wanting to know if he’d accompany him to the holding stables to check on his horses. Much to Levi’s better judgment, he’d said yes – and he’d almost immediately regretted it. Levi had followed Kitz into the first stable. It had contained his most precious investment – a sleek, black stallion called Colossus. Seeing such a beautiful, strong creature trapped in a box, used purely for the entertainment of others, had made Levi momentarily reflect upon his own situation. He’d been so lost in his thoughts, he’d not noticed Kitz moving purposefully towards him, until the old guy’s sloppy mouth had covered his. His fetid breath had almost made Levi vomit. Kitz had then fumbled to ease his wrinkly, fusty excuse for a cock out of his trousers and asked Levi to suck him off, to earn a bit of extra cash. Levi had baulked at the thought. He’d forcefully pushed the old man off him, told him exactly what he could do with his dick, and then he’d hightailed it out of there, walking the full nine miles home fuelled purely by adrenaline.

\- - - 

Levi had been invited into Reiss’s office the following week. Levi had hoped Kitz hadn’t complained about him refusing to suck his dick. But he’d soon discovered Reiss had wanted to discuss Levi’s fourth escort contract. From the sketchy information Reiss had initially given him about the contract, it had sounded like the ultimate payday: a job worth £6000. And that had made Levi think it had been commissioned by particularly important and wealthy client. Levi trod very carefully, trying not to get swept away in the financial benefits alone, he’d needed to know more about the contract before agreeing to anything. 

Reiss had explained how Levi had been selected specifically by the client from his profile alone. He’d been requested to spend 3 days and 2 nights away at a resort in the Kanese District, obviously all expenses paid, on-top of the £6000 fee. Reiss had stressed the weekend was to do with the client’s business, and all that was required of Levi was play the part of the client’s companion, just in public. There was no further expectation on behalf of the client. 

The resort Levi had been informed was in the Ice Mountains of the Kanese District. The client, who’d Reiss referred to as Mr Smith (clearly a poor attempt at a pseudonym, Levi had thought) had provided an extra £3000 to enable Levi to purchase appropriate clothing for the weekend: inclusive of outdoor clothes suitable for cold climes, swimwear (the resort had hot springs apparently) and formal attire. Levi wouldn’t be provided with the full itinerary for the weekend, but merely be given a simple set of instructions relating to his arrival at the resort, where he’d meet Mr Smith. Reiss had reassured Levi transportation to-and-from the resort had also been arranged.

Reiss had suggested Levi take a day or two to decide whether he wanted to take the contract. Especially because Levi was still fairly new to escorting, and perhaps not fully prepared for the demands of a weekend-long contract. But Levi had been thinking about it whilst Reiss had been talking, and he’d realised this contract could help him get his new apartment, and maybe then he could consider going back to work for Keith. So he’d agreed to it, there and then, without much hesitation: it had seemed like a no-brainer. Whatever ‘surprises’ the weekend had in store, Levi had been sure he’d endured worse in the past. 

Reiss had informed Levi he’d leave for the resort on Friday, six days away. The £3000 for purchasing clothing would be in his bank account by Monday.

\- - - 

Levi honestly had no fucking clue what clothes to buy for his weekend contract. He’d found himself scrolling through various websites online, to no avail. By Monday afternoon, he’d decided to call Ymir, hoping she’d been able to steer him in the right direction. He had become anxious that he’d got £3000 sat in his bank account and no ideas at all.

Later that afternoon Levi had found himself sitting in a coffee-shop round the corner from Sina Apartments, rolling his eyes at two very, over-excited women sat opposite him. He’d heard about the stereotyped opinions regarding women and shopping, and now he was experiencing it first-hand. Krista was sat poised with a pen and notepad, whilst Ymir was reeling off ideas. “This job is such a fucking coup Levi, you jammy bastard”. Ymir had said, grinning at Levi from across the table. “The only ice resort I know in the Kanese Mountains is the new one that’s been built by Uri Reiss, Rod’s brother”. Levi had raised his eyebrow at that bit of information, Reiss had never said that to him. 

“It’ll be full of the wealthiest and most successful business men and women from across all of the districts. You gotta look your best – at all times”. “You saying I don’t look my best already?” Levi deadpanned. Ymir had known not to rise to Levi’s sarcasm, she’d had hime pegged well enough by now. “So what was the outfit list the client provided Levi?” Krista enquired, trying to get back to the topic of clothes. “Outdoor, cold weather gear, swimwear and formal wear”. Levi had said flatly, running through the list like it was his weekly groceries. “Well, swimwear has to be the skimpiest speedos we can find”. Ymir had said excitedly. “A pair that leave nothing to the imagination. Black in colour I think, they’ll contrast with your pale skin tone”. Krista had responded. “Sina Sports will have those, we can head there first”. Levi had just rolled his eyes again, he’d known it was fruitless to protest.

“As for cold weather gear, furs are a must!” Ymir had said dreamily. Krista had just hummed in agreement. “Furs?” Levi had said. “I don’t want to get shot by some over-zealous hunter for-fucks-sake!” “Furs have the ultimate sex-appeal Levi. Don’t question our logic.” Krista had shot his flippancy down immediately. “Also maybe a classy suede two-piece set for outdoors. You don’t want to rock-up in any of that obscenely puffy and bright snow-gear”. Ymir had said thoughtfully. “I know a good leather/suede seamstress we could ask to make you something bespoke. We can visit her after going to the sports shop. She might be able to make you some suede boots and gloves too”. “So last thing – formal attire” Krista had reminded the group. “You’ll need a couple of suits, shirts and ties. Light colours I think – possibly silver and a very pale pink”. “A cravat” Levi had interjected, just as Krista had finished speaking. “Okay then. We ready to rock-and-roll?” Ymir had stood, looking down at Levi and Krista. Krista had quickly shot-up from her seat, Levi more reluctant, had paused to finish his tea before rising.

\- - -

By Tuesday evening Levi had almost everything he’d needed for the weekend. Ymir and Krista had been annoying persistent, but Levi knew that without their help he’d be well and truly fucked. He’d been sat in his bedroom looking over all his purchases, double checking their condition and cleanliness before hanging them in dust covers, ready for packing on Thursday night. He’d managed to purchase the following: two pairs of swimming trunks, one in black, and one a deep purple (skimpy, as suggested by Ymir); two long-sleeved black, turtle-neck thermal vests; two large fur stoles, that would double up as large scarves, one white, and one silver; a pair of white fur gloves; two three-piece-suits, one silver, one light pink (much to Levi’s chagrin); three shirts, one white, one black, and one ice-blue; two cravats, one ivory-white, and one silver; some new underwear; a pair of silver snake-skin winkle-pickers and a pair of white fur thigh-high boots. He’d also commissioned a bespoke winter weather suit, of-sorts, made from the softest light-grey suede, and consisting of a long-sleeved tank-top and slim-fitting trousers – both embellished with silver and white thread, which he’d been reassured would be visible on the outside of the garments. They had been very ‘indigenous’ sounding, and the design ideas had actually pleased Levi. He’d be promised both garments would be ready to collect on Thursday afternoon.

\- - -

On Thursday night Levi had carefully packed his clothes, delicately folding each garment and placing them in a large suitcase he’d found in his sister’s bedroom. The car was coming to collect Levi at 12noon on Friday, and he’d known it was at least a four hour drive to the resort. He’d chosen to travel in jeans and a jumper, as he knew he’d prefer to be comfortable during the long journey. He’d decided to get an early night, so he could clean the apartment and shower thoroughly in the morning. He’d felt strangely nervous about the weekend, but he’d tried really hard to push his nerves aside. He’d spoken to Ymir again since Tuesday, and she’d tried to give him words of encouragement, but he’d done his usual thing of shrugging away her bother. Finally Levi had settled into bed around 10pm, not anticipating sleep to come easy, but trying to rest nonetheless.

\- - -

Levi had awoken around 8am on Friday, sleep had finally come, and he’d woken feeling oddly rested for a change. He’d risen from bed, and padded over to the kitchenette to make himself a pot of black tea. As he’d been waiting for the kettle to boil, his eyes had caught a white object sat on the hallway mat by the apartment door. He’d moved to collect it, to see it was addressed to him – the envelope was hand-written and any kind of post-mark was absent. Levi wondered whether it was further instructions for the weekend. He’d headed back to the kitchen to pour the hot water into his teapot, and grab a mug and shifted into the lounge with the envelope and his tea. He’d carefully opened the envelope, easing out its contents, which appeared to be a hand-written letter. He’d began reading …

Levi,  
Today it has been 57 days since I met you, and since then I have felt breathless….

\- - -


	17. the lure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As both men head towards the Ice Mountains, they both experience emotional epiphanies - that unwittingly begin to prepare them to meet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry - this ended up being a bit of a filler chapter, and full of angst.  
> I wanted the chapter to end with them meeting again, but realised the chapter length would end up being too unwieldy, if I took it that far. But they'll defo meet again in the next chapter. Squeeeee!!  
> I've got the next 4 chapters sketched out, so hopefully they'll be written and uploaded soon.  
> Enjoy and thanks for your continued interactions with this fic, it means so much.

\- - -  
Part 1: Erwin’s POV  
Erwin had become increasingly anxious in the days leading up to his planned business trip to Uri Reiss’s ice resort. He’d taken to filling a new prescription for his anxiety medication, and had found himself relying on it daily. He’d known this was a massive step backwards, but he’d needed it to stop him spiralling out-of-control again. Mike had dutifully arranged an escort to accompany Erwin to the resort, as he’d conceded to the idea, with much discontent. And Erwin couldn’t help feeling pretty unnerved with the whole affair. Erwin had refused to look at the escort’s profile – the thought of doing so just made the whole thing seem too painfully real, and for the present he just couldn’t bear to face that reality. Mike had repeatedly reassured Erwin that the chosen escort was a good match for Erwin – male, similar in age, with what Mike had referred to as ‘restrained’ social etiquette. Mike had guaranteed Erwin that the escort ‘Rivialle’ would able to play their necessary part well. And clearly hoping to placate Erwin Mike had also reiterated a number of times that this was merely a business transaction, and nothing else. There were no further expectations, and that particular point had been definitively communicated to the escort. Nothing would occur that might make Erwin feel uncomfortable or compromised in any way. All that said, Erwin had still felt totally unsettled by the whole situation.

Erwin had nervously packed his suitcase on the Thursday evening – replete with all the clothes he’d need for the weekend – crisp business suits, stylish outer-wear, chunky scarves. He’d caught himself wondering if the escort was equally nervous preparing for the weekend, but had soon discounted the thought. No, of course the escort wouldn’t be nervous, to him it was just another job, and Erwin was just another client. Erwin wished he could approach the whole affair with the same indifferent attitude. 

Erwin had decided to arrange to be driven to the resort, rather than drive himself. A perk of being the boss, he’d supposed. He’d chosen Connie to drive him, in one of the company’s top-of-the-range Jaguars. Erwin had a good rapport with Connie, and he knew the man’s company during the four hour journey would help to put him at relative ease. He’d hoped having Connie’s company would mean Erwin wouldn’t retreat entirely into the compulsive thought patterns that often accompanied his heightened feelings of anxiety.

The details for the weekend that had been sent with the Uri’s invite promised an evening formal reception (that Uri had referred to as an Ice Gala) on the Friday night, then a stay in a genuine ice hotel. (Mike had assured Erwin that he’d negotiated adjoining rooms for him and his escort). Saturday daytime would be spent touring the resort’s facilities and bathing in the hot springs, and the evening would include a night time dog-sled ride to the ice flats, where they’d camp overnight and stay up to view the northern lights. Sunday would include a business briefing, before a late-afternoon departure. 

Erwin couldn’t help but feel a little excited about the experience the weekend offered (putting the escort issue aside). He’d known it was a one-in-a-lifetime chance to enjoy the delights of the Karanese Ice Mountains, in outstanding facilities. Erwin had thought though how the itinerary had sounded rather ‘romantic’ and that unsettled him. He’d hoped the ‘romantic’ nature of the weekend wouldn’t imply any unnecessary expectations from his arrangements with the escort. He knew he’d have to manage those expectations assertively, should the issue arise. Erwin had requested that Mike provide the bare-minimum information to the escort agency – only general information about the weekend’s location, the clothing requirements for the various activities, and when and where to meet on the Friday evening had been supplied to the escort. That way Erwin felt he’d been protecting his own interests, and safeguarding himself against further undue worries, for the time being.

Erwin had requested that Connie collect him from his apartment at 11am. He’d wanted to get there before his escort, who’d be arriving an hour or so later – though they weren’t due to meet-up until 7pm that evening, in readiness to attend the Ice Gala. He’d felt certain that arriving that bit earlier would give him plenty of time to settle into his accommodation, prepare himself mentally, and maybe even have chance to scope out the competition. This was potentially a huge contract for his company, and he’d known he had to be at the top of his game. He’d really not wanted the evening to hold any surprises for him, and he’d chosen to employ certain strategies to help him feel he had some control over things. 

After a fretful night spent mainly pacing around his flat, unable to settle on any particular task, the TV holding very little interest for him, Erwin had retreated to bed fairly early. He’d had an unsettled night’s sleep, plagued with nightmares and disturbing imagery. When he’d woken on Friday morning, his body was drenched in slick sweat, and his sheets knotted around his contorted body. Erwin had risen, feeling physically drained, and headed for a shower, hoping it would help him relieve some of his built-up tension. 

\- - -

Part 2: Levi’s POV  
Levi had crumbled under the weight of the words and emotions expressed in Erwin’s letter. He’d sunk onto his knees, clutching the letter to his chest, struggling to take a breath. Unable to comprehend what he’d read. He’d no idea what had happened to bring these painful memories to the surface again. “Why now?” He’d thought. He didn’t need to hear those words now, he wasn’t certain he’d needed to hear those words ever. He’d moved on, he’d told himself. He’d been certain Erwin hadn’t felt anything for him. He’d accepted being definitively rejected by Erwin. He didn’t need to feel such wretchedness, such heartache, such longing. He hadn’t needed to hear Erwin had felt such things too. God that man did things to him that Levi couldn’t begin to fathom, that his mind and body couldn’t even attempt to process, things that made him lose himself. Levi never even considered why a letter written almost two months ago had made its way to him today of all days – his mind was far too hazy to think straight or logically. Levi had been too overwhelmed with Erwin’s words, pouring like larva over his frozen heart. With a ranging torrent of heated emotions coursing through his veins, Levi had felt himself shatter into a million pieces. 

Levi had woken on the floor beside the sofa, he’d not realised the black-hole had swallowed him, and taken consciousness from him so readily. His hands had still been clutching Erwin’s letter, now slightly crumpled in his tight grasp. His breakfast tea had gone cold. Levi had checked the time on the clock on the mantelpiece, it had read 10:03am. He’d been out cold for nearly two hours. Levi had risen to his feet, forcing his legs to move despite their numbness and headed for the shower, choosing to sit on the cubicle floor and let the hot water engulf him and scold his skin. He’d known he had two hours to prepare himself to hurtle towards what he realised was a huge mistake. Reality hit like a truck. Everything he’d done thus far in his life had been mistake, after mistake, after mistake – making idiotic choices that steered him away from anything he could truly cherish, or be fulfilled by. Why should the future hold anything different for him? He wondered whether he deserved anything else. By the end of his shower, Levi emerged deadened, unresponsive – he could play the part this weekend for sure, but this would be his final charade. Something had to change.

By the time the car had come to collect Levi at midday, he was so subdued, he’d nestled in the backseat, having put his suitcase in the boot. He’d flat-out refused any attempt at verbal interaction from the driver. Closing his eyes he’d begun to construct a series of unattainable what ifs. What if Erwin had adored him, worshipped him? What if Erwin had offered-up his heart? Where would he, they be now? Erwin’s words – god, they’d ignited something in him that he’d never realised he wanted, nor needed. Levi had known he was entering dangerous territory speculating, building constructs of things that had long since expired. Even Erwin’s letter had made it clear the opportunity to resolve anything between them had passed. But Levi needed to fill the hollowness in his soul with something, so for the first time in four months he let himself dream, his desires uninhibited. Despite it being dangerous, and futile – he’d known he needed to truly confront what he’d lost, before he could be again.

\- - -

Part 3: Erwin’s POV  
At 11am a top-of-the-range Jaguar had arrived outside Erwin’s apartment. Connie had rounded the back of the car, dressed smartly looking the part of Erwin’s chauffeur. He’d dutifully taken Erwin’s suitcase, placing it in the boot, before opening the passenger-side door for Erwin. Mike had insisted Erwin present the best image possible, reminding him he was there to make the right impression; Erwin had secretly conceded. He’d known it was all for show – the fancy car, the chauffeur, the strong, stoic business man, playing up to his ruthless reputation. And then there was the paid escort. 

Erwin had shuddered at the thought, the one potential uncontrollable element of the weekend, the one potential chink in his armour. He’d dared himself, just for a moment, to wonder if they’d be comfortable in each other’s company. Would the escort be attractive, or at least easy on the eye? Would he play his part well? Be attentive? Would it be obvious to others that their ‘union’ was just pretence? Mike had assured Erwin that the escort company provided the best money could buy. Erwin doubted whether he’d find the strength to socialise, with someone who fell outside his sphere of comfort. He was uncertain he’d be able to hold a normal conversation, to feel feelings of enjoyment in someone’s company. The more he’d thought, the more doubt crept in, and hope faded. 

Erwin had allowed Connie to dominate the conversation for the first part of the long journey to the Karanese Mountains. Connie was the epitome of a dutiful employee, he was positive, outgoing and Erwin had grown quite fond of him. Connie had talked affectionately about his family, and his friends. Soon, perhaps feeling the comfort of such relaxed company, Connie had steered the conversation to the topic of his unresolved, childhood crush on a girl called Sasha. Erwin had listened to Connie’s description of the girl, he’d heard the passion in his words, felt the longing in things Connie had left unsaid. Quickly Connie had found himself admitting his most recent heartbreak to Erwin, when he’d attended a friend’s party, only to find the subject of his longing accompanied by another man. Connie had sought Erwin’s advice, it was obvious the younger man looked-up to Erwin, and looked to him for some kind of direction: worldly wisdom perhaps. Erwin had felt touched by his loyalty. Sensitive to Connie’s honesty, Erwin had reflected upon the issue of lost / unrequited love. He knew how easy it was to avoid facing the idea of love, and rather retreat into oneself, letting the opportunity pass you by. And although it hurt to do so, Erwin had thought truthfully about what he’d do in Connie’s situation, before he’d offered his advice.

“Connie, my advice would be never give up on something that’s obviously so important. If your feelings of longing have endured for this amount of time, then it’s significant enough for you to take the risk. Make the final step”. Erwin had said thoughtfully. “Offer Sasha all you have – your heart, your body, your mind, and do so without regret. If it’s not enough, then at least you’ll have your answer”. Erwin had lifted his hand and placed it on the younger man’s shoulder, gripping it tightly. Connie had turned to look at Erwin, eyes glistening with the trace of tears. “Thanks” he choked in reply, unable to say any more, for fear of breaking down. Erwin had nodded his head, removed his hand from Connie’s shoulder and slunk down in the leather seat, turning to face the window. The blurred, yet beautiful scenery unfolded before him, lulling Erwin into momentary, quiet state of rest. Connie hadn’t spoken again, both men clearly opting to respect each other’s need for peace and contemplation, for the time being.

As he closed his eyes, Erwin had found it impossible not to turn his thoughts to Levi. He’d known that if he’d allowed himself, he could speak about Levi with the same passion and longing. Fill his denied senses with memories of the softness of his skin, the fresh scent of his hair, the taste of his moist lips, the tautness of his thighs, the spark of lust in his grey eyes, the heat radiating from his body – inviting, alluring, engulfing. Erwin had wished he was in Connie’s position – with the potential to take that first step again, to take the risk, to offer all of himself to Levi, this time without regret.

\- - -

Part 4: Levi’s POV  
It had been a few hours into the journey that Levi had begun to have the wherewithal to take notice of his surroundings. Levi hadn’t been surprised that they’d left the urban sprawl of the districts behind them, the landscape briefly giving way to a patchwork of rural fields and woodland. They’d been experiencing at late autumn in the districts, but further north it was obvious winter had arrived. The colours were muted, the trees bare, the backbone of the land, formed by hard, dark granite, visible and distinct against the barren terrain. In the distance Levi had been able to make out the jagged shapes of the Karanese Mountains, dominating the horizon, half-shrouded in grey clouds. The unfamiliarity of his impending destination brought with it an odd feeling of freedom, something he’d not been able to feel in the confines of the districts.

Levi had found himself feeling more and more entranced, he’d been left breathless in the beauty and possibility this foreign landscape afforded. He’d felt weak in the grip of its power, small in its intensity. It shook him, he found his body unfurling from his typical, curled, defensive posture, he’d felt his tension dissolving, as he allowed himself to let go. Not entirely, obviously, he wouldn’t have said he was totally relaxed. Levi believed he’d never experienced true and total relaxation. Even after great sex, he always maintained a rigidness, it was part of his character, it was a barrier he’d always had to maintain. But what he had felt in that moment, as he’d focused on the landscape before him, was an improved sense of clarity. He’d moved to open the window, just marginally. The untainted, fresh air engulfed him, replacing the staleness of the air inside the car. His silky, black hair blew in the slightest of breezes, the cool air tickled his skin, turning it quickly to goose-flesh. Levi’s eyes had remained fixed on the rugged mountains that filled his horizon, as the car continued on its journey towards them.

The vastness of the landscape had made Levi’s life feel incredibly small. But as small as it had seemed, it held no less significance. Levi had known deep down his life was worth something. It was hard, painful even for Levi to think about how he’d got to where he’d found himself now – heading for a weekend with a client, a wealthy individual bereft of any kind of meaningful relationship, who needed to pay someone like Levi just for company. Laid out and confronted in such stark terms it had sounded so fucking sad and desperate – and Levi had felt sad and desperate for facilitating it. Ultimately Levi’s life was nothing like the life he truly wanted. He’d gone from a life fuelled by meaningless sex and lust, to one shaped by money and selfishness – neither satisfied Levi, he knew that now. Nor did it either reflect who Levi was. Even if Levi still wasn’t 100% certain what he wanted, he’d known he needed to start being honest about what he didn’t want. And he didn’t want this. Perhaps by discounting everything he’d tried and failed at, he’d maybe be able to find out who he was, and what would allow him to live, and not merely exist. Levi had decided this weekend would be his last escort job. The decision had come upon him suddenly, but perhaps not surprisingly. Levi had known it had to end, and he’d probably realised that before the job had even started. He’d known it had been stupid to use such foils to run away from his problems.

Levi felt his defences crumbling. If he’d been strong enough to admit it, it had been Erwin’s letter that had triggered things. Fucking Erwin Smith had managed, yet again, to undermine his façade, to find a vulnerability Levi would never personally acknowledge, reigniting a desire he thought he’d buried forever. He’d softly touched the envelope in his pocket, the last remnant of what could have been. 

“We’re about 30 minutes away from our destination Sir”. The driver’s voice had startled Levi, jolting him out of his thoughts. He’d instinctively drawn his hand away from the envelope in his pocket. Levi had nodded to the driver, looking at him through the rear-view mirror. 

In time Levi would come to realise the car journey to the Karanese Mountains had been a truly spiritual experience. It had a greater impact on Levi than he’d ever understand or acknowledge. Something had awoken in him, his emotional dormancy left shattered. He’d been overwhelmed, his synapses had begun to pulse and forge unfamiliar paths, as unrecognisable signals fired throughout his brain, too alien to identify, or name. Little did he know these excitable synaptic impulses borne from pure, raw emotion had created a precedence, preparing him for the primacy of the emotional onslaught ahead of him.

\- - -


	18. the revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both men are captivated by the majesty of the Ice Mountains, and the opulence of Uri Reiss's resort.  
> They prepare themselves carefully - in readiness for client and escort to finally meet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've done a bit of browsing at Ice Hotels - and I still don't get the engineering or the extent of the facilities provided. But I hope the ideas presented in this chapter, work sufficiently for you to envisage the scene(s).
> 
> Again - I'd expect the furs to be faux / synthetic. So please don't be offended by their inclusion.

\- - -  
Part 1: Erwin’s Arrival  
The Jaguar had pulled into Uri’s resort just after 3.30pm. The last part of the journey had proved more challenging than both men had expected – the roads had been iced over and visibility had dropped to a minimal distance as they’d ascended the mountains to the resort’s location. Connie had remained calm throughout, and had risen to the challenging driving conditions admirably. Erwin had, for the second time that day, been thankful of the younger man’s company. The two men had spent the last hour or so of the journey marvelling at the wondrous landscape unfolding before them. Erwin had felt his anxieties beginning to subside, unable to hold onto any negativity in the presence of such majesty of nature. His problems and worries had seemed dwarfed, almost pointless now, suddenly replaced by intoxication in reverence to those beguiling mountains. The Karanese Ice Mountains had promised much, and delivered everything already – picturesque, breath-taking beauty: their harsh ruggedness had drawn Erwin in, he’d found himself captivated. 

As the Jaguar slowed at the resort entrance, it had been immediately met by a valet, and a bellboy. Both were dressed immaculately in crisp white suits, with fur-lined parkas. Erwin had exited the car, once the valet had opened the passenger door for him. Had the final part of the journey not been as stressful, Erwin would have sat in the back-seat, just to maintain the pretence of boss and chauffer, but it hadn’t worked out that way, and it honestly hadn’t mattered that much anyhow. Erwin glanced up at Uri’s Ice Hotel, taking in the incredible spectacle before him – a sparkling palace, formed from solid, crystallised ice, replete with spires, and ornate pinnacles. The sight was breath-taking. Erwin hadn’t believed such an immense structure could have been sculpted only from ice. 

Whilst he’d been taking in the spectacle of the hotel, the bellman had off-loaded Erwin’s luggage from the Jaguar’s boot, and was waiting patiently for Erwin to follow him into the hotel. Taking his eyes away from the hotel for a moment, Erwin had noted the valet speaking to Connie through the driver’s window, asking him to park-up round the back of the hotel and come inside, via the staff entrance for some hot food and drink, before he started his journey back to the districts. Erwin was reassured Connie would be well looked after. Connie had wished Erwin good luck for the weekend, attempting to maintain the respectable air of chauffer and boss with his carefully chosen words. Though all the Titan Taxi staff knew how important this contract was for the business, and Erwin had openly thanked the young man for his well wishes. The two men said their farewells, and Connie had left promising Erwin he’d let him know that he’d gotten back to HQ safely. Just as a precaution, Erwin had checked the signal on his mobile phone, as he’d followed the bellman into the hotel lobby – noting full 4G coverage. He’d found himself feeling mildly surprised, before quickly remembering this was Uri Reiss he was dealing with. He suspected they’d be more surprises before the weekend was over.

For a structure with such limited temporality, the ice hotel was outstandingly impressive. Uri really hadn’t spared any of the minute detail you’d expect from a five star establishment. Vast columns of sculpted ice framed the entrance to the hotel, with delicate, ornate tracery detail adorning the steep-arched entrance-way. The design had reminded Erwin of an ancient cathedral. Inside the hotel was equally exquisite, the lobby itself was a cavernous space. The columns Erwin had seen outside, repeated in the lobby, in much larger proportions and backlit in soft blue and purple tones. Erwin had noted that the corridors leading off from the lobby resembled perfectly circular tunnels, much cosier in feel, and amazingly they’d looked like they’d been bored through the ice with machine precision. Erwin had assumed those corridors led to the hotel suites. Surprisingly, the interior of the hotel wasn’t as cold as Erwin had expected. Huge wood fires, with tapered chimneys rising to the high ceiling littered the lobby, and were surrounded by comfortable seating areas, furnished with sheep-skins and furs, already occupied by a few mingling guests. Everything added to the oddly ‘snug’ feeling of the hotel’s interior, despite its vastness. Erwin hadn’t even the brain capacity to understand how fire and ice made such comfortable companions. But he’d known the effect of the two combined was just extraordinary, almost other-worldly. 

Erwin had presented himself at the lobby reception to check in, stating his name to the sparkling, fresh-faced young woman who’d greeted him. “Ah Mr Smith. Welcome. I trust you had a good journey”. She’d said, flashing him a brilliant white toothy smile. “Yes, indeed”. Erwin had replied. “Has my companion arrived yet?” He’d enquired. “No, Mr Smith. Mr Rivallie hasn’t arrived yet”. The receptionist had responded matter-a-factly. Erwin breathed an unnoticeable sigh of relief, he was still on-schedule, and it was still possible for him to avoid the escort entirely until that evening. “You’ll be in room 5. I’ll just complete your check-in, it won’t take but a moment. Your luggage will be waiting in your room for you, once we’ve finished here”. The receptionist had spoken quickly, but in a clearly trained patter, going on to explain the facilities available in the hotel. She had then supplied Erwin with a small, electronic tablet. Which she’d reassured to him, contained a detailed map of the resort, complete with GPS capabilities should he have need of them, and more specific details about the weekend itinerary, with the locations programmed into the map and GPS. Erwin had expressed his thanks at her thoroughness, and had requested she provide his companion with the information regarding the location of the evening’s ice gala, and his personal written instructions, which Erwin had handed to her in a sealed envelope. He’d asked her not to provide his companion with the customary electronic tablet. Without batting an eye-lid the receptionist had agreed to under taking Erwin’s requests, and had wished him a pleasant stay. Erwin had been comforted at her professionalism. Erwin had then found himself met by the bellboy again, who was gently ushering him towards his suite.

Erwin had felt the need to duck down when he’d followed the bellboy down the corridor to his suite. The circular tunnels had felt low in height as Erwin had approached them, but honestly he’d needn’t have minded, their size was evidently deceptive. As cosy as they’d seemed, they were the perfect height for Erwin, at almost 6’2”, to stand fully upright. Erwin had continued to be impressed by Uri’s attention-to-detail, this hotel was truly something else. The corridors were lit by under-floor lighting, tracking lights that glowed soft hues of blue under the ice. Erwin’s suite had been situated a fairly short walk from the lobby, but he’d estimated each corridor only led to a hand-full of rooms, as there had been numerous corridors radiating from the lobby space. The feelings it had stirred, of both cosiness and isolation weren’t unwelcome to Erwin. As the bellboy had paused outside room 5, Erwin couldn’t help but wonder if his escort would be in room 4 or 6, not that it had mattered really, but still he’d dwelled on the thought for longer than was truly necessary.

Erwin had felt impatient to explore his surroundings, and he’d left his room shortly after the bellboy had left him alone. Only pausing to briefly take in his suite – which had a fully functioning en suite, and a huge bed, centrally placed in the room, and strangely, also made of ice, but covered in rich, thick, quilted bedding and lush furs. His room also had a wood-fire, a smaller version of the ones he’d seen in the lobby. It was already roaring and emitting a comfortable heat, Erwin supposed the staff took responsibility for keeping it fuelled and lit. Erwin had left his luggage packed, and exited the room quickly, with only the electronic tablet and key card in his hands.

Two hours later, Erwin had returned to his suite, rosy cheeked and feeling fairly content. He’d thoroughly enjoyed exploring the extent of the resort, and he’d continued to be impressed by the realisation of Uri’s vision. The electronic device had proven invaluable – he’d found the grand hall that was to hold the ice gala, with little problem. He’d also visited the hot springs, and spotted ski-lifts, and forest trails. He’d also happened upon the resort’s stables and kennels. Uri really couldn’t have chosen a more spectacular setting for his resort. Erwin had found himself just pausing and watching the vivid, evening sunset from a rock perch on the edge of a vast pine forest. He’d been unaware of how much time had passed. The feeling of utter freedom was one Erwin had sadly become unaccustomed to, but here Erwin felt free, he felt alive. By the time he’d arrived back in his suite, he’d felt mentally prepared for whatever the evening held. He had planned to shower and change into his dinner suit in the time that remained.

\- - -  
Part 2: Levi’s Arrival  
The last thirty minutes of Levi’s journey had seemed to last forever. The car had hit some trouble – treacherously icy roads and poor visibility. And although the driver coped expertly with the difficult conditions, it had done little to calm Levi, who’d found himself becoming increasingly anxious to get the weekend over and done with. They’d finally arrived at the resort, about 20 minutes later than expected, but Levi was thankful that they’d arrived at all, and in one piece, given the tension caused by the weather conditions. The car had been met by hotel staff, one man dressed all in white, the bellboy, Levi had presumed, had tried to take Levi’s luggage from the car boot, but Levi had been quick to jump out of the car and had forcibly wrestled it from the bellman’s grip, holding onto it with dear-life. Levi hated to be beholden to anyone, he hated being waited on, and he felt his desire for independence beginning to bubble to the surface. He casually bid his driver farewell, and stomped towards the hotel entrance, followed by a rather taken-a-back bellboy.

The hotel was a hulking great ice monstrosity, resembling a gaudy, princess palace. Levi hadn’t comprehended he’d be staying in an over-sized fucking igloo for the weekend. Levi hated the cold. His slight form meant he felt the cold more than most people, and he felt suitably under-dressed in jeans and a woollen jumper, to be able to survive more than a few minutes inside a building made entirely of ice. He’d scowled, his brow furrowing in annoyance at his unpreparedness. He quickened his pace to get his check-in over with. Upon entering the lobby area, Levi had been pleasantly surprised – not a feeling he was accustomed to acknowledging. Despite being enclosed by thick ice walls, the space had seemed welcoming, warm even. Raging wood-fires provided ambient heat, and the soft lighting made the space seem less harsh. Levi had sucked in a breath, for once he’d felt impressed, his scowl softened momentarily, right up until the moment he’d been greeted by the over-friendly, and rather artificial smile of the hotel’s receptionist.

“Ah, Mr Rivaille, welcome”. She’d said, fake smile fixed on her face. “I trust you had a good journey”. “Er … yeah … whatever”. Levi had replied flatly, irritated by her overt conviviality. “Look – can I just check in”. He’d said, not able to keep his irritation from the tone of his words. “Of course Mr Rivaille. You are in room 6. Mr Smith has already arrived and checked-in. He asked me to give you this”. She’d said, handing him an envelope and a printed sheet of paper. Levi had felt the bellboy hovering behind him, as he took the papers from her out-stretched hand. “I don’t need help with my bags, just point me in the direction of my room, I’ll find my own way there”. Levi had said abruptly. He honestly had just wanted some space, the drive had proved tiresome, and his irritability wasn’t helping him feel settled. “Take the left-hand corridor. Room 6 is the last room on your right.” She’d instructed, gesturing to emphasise her verbal directions. “Please do call if you require anything Mr Rivaille. We hope you enjoy your stay”. She’d flashed another brilliant white smile at Levi, whilst holding out his key-card. Levi grabbed the key-card from her hand, and without a word of thanks he’d turned and headed towards his room, his bag slung heavily over one shoulder.

Levi had felt moderately calmer walking through the corridor towards his room. The pretension and richness of the hotel lobby, had given way to a more pacifying, confined, womb-like space – narrow corridors, with smooth, white ice walls and soft under-floor lighting. Arriving at room 6, Levi couldn’t help but wonder what the suite would be like – he’d really hoped it didn’t resemble the interior of a freezer. He still couldn’t get his head around the fact that he was inside a building formed entirely from ice, and he was supposed to sleep in it, as he would in any ‘normal’ hotel. The whole idea had seemed pretty far-out to Levi, so far removed from anything he’d experienced before it had left him feeling like he was in a dream.

Levi had noted that the door to his suite was a composite of thick ice, with embedded electronics to operate his key card. He’d opened the door with relative ease, shocked briefly when his hand had pushed against the cool, smooth ice of the door. The door had swung open to reveal the most sumptuous of rooms – mirroring the cosiness of the corridor, the room felt like a beautiful, ice cocoon. Curved ceilings, arching downwards to frame a huge central bed, its base formed from blocks of ice, but covered in the most extravagant of fabrics – quilted velvet, sheep-skins and furs. “Fuck” Levi had declared upon seeing it. The bed had oozed sex, it was utterly stunning. The smooth ice floors of the room were also lit from below with soft blue tones, and had been dotted here-and-there with sheep-skin rugs. The room had felt instantly warm, and Levi noted it was heated by a small wood-fire burning in a circular fire-pit off to the side. He spotted a dark-wood, free-standing wardrobe, and upon opening it, he’d noted it too was mildly heated inside.

The more Levi saw of his suite, the more impressed he’d become. He’d moved to inspect the en suite, and found a grey marble slab protruding from the ice wall, which formed a shallow sink, and another seated in the floor to serve as a wet-room, above it a huge copper shower-head. The toilet too was made of grey marble. In a nook, next to a circular window looking out onto the Ice Mountains was a free-standing, copper bath-tub. The combination of ice, grey marble and polished copper had made the space especially opulent. And much to Levi’s approval the whole suite had appeared spotlessly clean. How the plumbing worked had been way beyond Levi’s scope of comprehension, but shit, it worked, and that was good enough for him. For some reason Levi had envisaged the ice walls would be dripping from the ambient warmth of the suite, but that hadn’t been the case at all – how so, he hadn’t been able to fathom. Few things in life had ever left Levi totally awestruck, but the pure opulence (not to mention the fucking impossible engineering) of this suite had been one of them.

\- - -  
Part 3: The two meet again (both POV)

After the longest and most invigorating of showers, Erwin had dressed himself carefully in an ice-blue three-piece suit, made of the finest silk. He’d debated for over 10 minutes about whether to wear a tie, but he’d decided against it, choosing rather to leave the top two buttons of his crisp, white shirt open. Just a hint of his soft, blonde chest-hair on show. Casual, but smart, he’d thought to himself. He’d looked the part of a company boss, his suit exuded wealth and power - with or without a tie. His blonde hair had been styled to perfection, slick with the defined parting he’d always favoured. Erwin had wondered briefly if he’d over-done it with the cologne, then chided himself for acting like a teenager going on his first date. He’d felt certain the escort wouldn’t care either way, as long as he didn’t look like a desperate creep, he was sure he’d be presentable enough.

When Erwin had checked his watch, he’d found it was 6.42pm. He’d known the walk to the gala venue would take around 10 minutes in his smooth-soled dress shoes. He’d already decided he’d wait as close as possible venue’s entrance and observe the guests as they arrived. If he waited long enough, he’d know who ever was left standing alone by the entrance would be his escort. He’d refused to hear a description of the escort from Mike, so he’d had no clue what his escort looked like, only that he was a man - which wouldn’t really help him identify the person he was due to meet.

In the cold air of the late evening, Erwin had waited, his face huddled in the thick, grey cable-knit, tube scarf he’d chosen to wear temporarily, just to keep the chill out. He’d watched the guests flood into the venue, laughing, holding hands, seemingly care-free and all dressed to the nines. He’d caught sight of a few people he’d recognised – business associates. Erwin had been drawn to a slight figure who’d been waiting alone by the entrance. He’d had his back to Erwin for the whole time, but Erwin could make out a petite, male form, jet-black hair with a slight undercut, dressed in the most figure-hugging suit comprising a silver velvet dress jacket and shiny silver drain-pipe trousers. His upper body embraced with a stunning, grey fur stole – even from the back, the small man had looked perfectly resplendent. As the time on Erwin’s watch approached 7pm, the figure had remained at the entrance, still waiting, still alone, hopping semi-impatiently from one foot to the other, clearly feeling the bite of the cold. Erwin had steeled himself, assuming he must be his escort, he’d moved swiftly from his vantage point to approach the waiting man.

\- - -  
After carefully hanging his clothing in the heated wardrobe, Levi had decided to draw himself a hot bath. With a little more investigation, he’d discovered a cupboard in the en suite, filled with scented bath oils, and other luxurious products, and warm, plush Egyptian cotton bath-sheets. The copper bath-tub was ginormous – big enough for two adults, and Levi had decided to excessively fill it to the brim with steaming hot water, scented with silky, sandalwood oils. Having stripped naked, Levi had plunged his aching body swiftly into the deep bath water, his tired muscles relaxing almost instantly in the enveloping heat. Out of the small window, Levi had watched the sun-set light the sky on fire with rich violets and reds, as he’d floated, weightlessly in the bath-water. After a leisurely time spent soaking, Levi had moved to meticulously wash his entire body, making liberal use of all the extravagant bathing products provided. 

As he’d begun to scrub his hair with shampoo, his thoughts had turned to the bed in the other room, and he felt his groin stir at the sensuality it evoked. It had been a long time since Levi had gotten laid, and he found himself visualising being laid-out on that bed of furs being fucked mercilessly. His flesh had responded almost instantaneously to his sense of arousal – nipples peaking hard, cock stiffened and spasming at the merest of touches. It had taken little time at all for Levi to stroke himself to completion, which left his body flushed and his breaths panting in the sloshing bathwater. Quickly becoming uncomfortable at the sight of his spunk floating alongside him in the oily bath-water, Levi had exited the bath, in favour of finishing washing himself in the shower. The force of the shower against his still-sensitive skin amplified his post-orgasm state further. It took little self-persuasion for Levi to decide after washing he’d prepare his ass, just in case the client was willing. Maybe, just this once Levi thought, he’d make a concession, particularly in light of the uniqueness of the setting, which had evidently stirred something within him. Levi couldn’t help but smirk to himself as he’d exited the en suite. Who’d have thought he’d get so fucking horny about an over-sized igloo!

Levi had dressed himself for the gala carefully and leisurely. Starting with his new, figure-hugging underwear, and warm, woollen socks. “Thank fuck I packed those”. He’d thought to himself. He didn’t like the idea of getting chilblains on his toes from the biting cold outside. He’d chosen to wear his silver suit, which comprised slim satin trousers, a satin waistcoat, and a plush velvet diner jacket. He’d selected his black shirt, and silver cravat to complement the suit. He’d slipped on his trousers and shirt, buttoning the shirt slowly, tucking it into his trousers and smoothing out any minor creases before putting on his waistcoat. He’d tied his cravat around his neck, and picked up his snake-skin shoes from the base of the wardrobe – sitting on the bed momentarily to put them on, before rising and checking for any creases he might have left in the seat of his trousers. Lastly came his velvet jacket, which he’d meticulously checked for lint, before putting on. He’d paused at the wardrobe, deciding whether to take a fur-stole with him, just to keep out the cold, before selecting the grey one, and wrapping it around his shoulders. A last check in the mirror, confirmed that he’d looked fucking hot. He’d worn his black hair sleeked back to avoid his long fringe covering too much of his face. His cheeks had looked a little flushed, but he’d decided it made him look moderately chaste, which he’d decided wasn’t a bad look for him. The written instructions provided by the client had suggested he’d be met at the entrance at 7pm prompt. Grabbing his key card he’d exited his suite at 6.38pm, opting to be early and waiting for when the client arrived. 

The time had been approaching 7pm and Levi still hadn’t spotted his client. He’d no clue what ‘Mr Smith’ even looked like, but that wasn’t an unusual situation to be faced with. And the suggestion the man had used a pseudonym to book Levi, made Levi think he’d been wary of revealing his true identity. Levi had been starting to feel the cold, mainly because he’d been stood in the same spot, waiting for some time. He’d taken to hopping from one foot to another, just to keep his body moving and generate some warmth. He’d been watching the venue entrance carefully, on the look-out for the client. Suddenly he’d heard footsteps approaching, on the crunching ice behind him, and a deep, male voice saying confidently “ah – you must be waiting for me. Rivaille, is it? I’m …” Levi had turned swiftly at the words, initially taking in a broad, muscular chest, enveloped in soft blue silk and thick grey wool. As he’d tilted his head upwards to take a better look at his client, he was greeted with shimmering, wide eyes, as blue as the ocean.  
“Levi?”  
“Erwin?”  
Their names gasped out simultaneously in shocked exclamation. For that moment time had appeared to stand still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boys - I bet you both look beautiful in your dinner suits. I hope you get to appreciate how truly stunning you both are in the next chapter. I'm sooo excited. Is it obvious?


	19. the ice gala (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Erwin and Levi are left shell-shocked at being brought together again, unwittingly.  
> They both muster inner strength they didn't know they had in order to deal with their predicament.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a difficult chapter to write, and get right.  
> I hope I've managed it.  
> Enjoy.  
> Comments and kudos always welcome.

Mere seconds or an eternity may have passed in the moment when their eyes met, neither men could really tell. Levi had finally been the one to break the shocked silence between the two of them. “Well hello Mr fucking Smith”. Delivered in Levi’s typically flat tone. “… god I need a drink before I can even begin to process this shit”. As he’d spoken Levi had been looking rather indifferently at Erwin, not necessarily angry or irritated, just with an odd sense of startled grace creeping across his typically cool stare. His head had shook almost imperceptibly in disbelief. He’d swiftly turned on his heels and headed into venue, without waiting to see whether Erwin would follow.

Levi had walked blindly into the gala, barely holding onto any composure he’d managed to muster outside, when confronted with the sight of Erwin. But somehow he’d deftly managed to avoid the swathes of people blocking his path. He’d spotted the bar, a shining beacon in the distance – albeit another gaudy ice monstrosity. Levi had made as direct a line as possible towards it, trying to blot everything and everyone else out. “Double-scotch, no ice” he’d demanded of the barman, not caring to wait his turn. “Of course Sir, will that be all?” “For now” he’d mumbled in reply, as the barman had turned towards the optics. Once the scotch had been poured and the glass placed in front of him, he’d offered the barman the briefest nod of thanks, and tried to steady his shaking hand by gripping the tumbler tightly. 

Taking a long, deep mouthful of his drink, Levi had paused to relish in the inevitable burn that came with a good scotch. He’d take a further two large mouthfuls, emptying the tumbler and order a second double from the barman, before he’d given himself any headspace to think about what the fuck had just happened. The last person he’d expected to see was Erwin Smith. He’d instantly recalled painfully unwelcome memories of their last meeting – not the forceful sex, no, but the sight of Erwin walking away from him, his feelings of powerlessness to stop him leaving, and the sense of abandonment and emptiness he’d been left to deal with. He’d realised that these were feelings he’d still not managed to resolve, but he wasn’t certain now was the time to try. 

When his mind had stilled enough to think relatively straight, his immediate thoughts were that he’d been right royally set-up, and that idea made him feel totally foolish. Yes, okay, he was a fucking escort, an expensive ‘date’ to be used as the client saw fit, and thus his job clearly invited being put in some incredibly compromising situations. But he was also an escort with a client-facing profile: and he’d always be chosen by clients because of the information and photograph supplied with his profile. Oh Erwin Smith had certainly been a canny fucker – Levi had thought to himself. He’d been annoyed at himself for being taken for such a dupe – tutting to himself in frustration, as he’d swirled the glass tumbler in his hands. His mind had begun to race attempting to unpick the fullness of this apparent deception. Levi wasn’t sure how Erwin had found out he was an escort, but the whole affair smacked of some incredibly elaborate orchestration, somehow. 

Erwin had dragged Levi all the way out here, to the fucking Ice Mountains of all places … for what? What was his agenda? Some kind of fucking reconciliation? No, Levi doubted that was the man’s intention, he’d doubted the man thought of Levi in those terms. To put Levi in his fucking place again perhaps, show him up for the slut that he was? Use the excuse that Levi was now a paid escort, to spend the weekend fucking him, without conscience, without regret? Somehow all the notions swimming around Levi’s chaotic mind just didn’t seem to scan. Erwin had looked genuinely surprised to see Levi here, as surprised as Levi had been to find out Mr Smith, was in fact Erwin fucking Smith. 

Levi took another mouthful of his scotch, then it hit him, he’d remembered the letter that he’d received, only that morning, and that was currently stowed away safely back in his room – it had to have been a fucking set-up. There was no other explanation to how he’d managed to be sucker-punched by Erwin Smith, not just once but twice in one day. Levi had dared to consider the alternatives - had Erwin brought him here to seduce him? Did the man really have the balls to do such a thing? Could he possibly have feelings for Levi? Erwin’s letter had spoken of the strength of attraction he’d felt towards Levi. Levi realised, in that moment, that he didn’t really know Erwin Smith at all, let alone what he was truly capable of. He’d seen glimpses for sure, but they’d been forced out of Erwin by Levi’s teasing, his wantonness. Levi hadn’t seen the man for months. And according to Erwin’s letter, Levi had never seen the ‘real’ Erwin anyway – whoever that was. Levi shook his head in bewilderment, none of it really hung together. He’d have to wait for the man himself to answer his ever-expanding list of questions. Until then he’d decided he’d just continue drinking – what was the harm? He could handle his booze, within limits, and he’d sure needed something to help steel his nerves, to face the oncoming storm.

The longer he’d waited and in spite of himself Levi couldn’t help but sense a flush of arousal rising, like an uncontrollable fever, coursing through his body. Surely it was just the effects of the scotch – he’d thought, pathetically attempting to persuade himself his heart wasn’t racing and his dick wasn’t hardening because of the mere presence of Erwin Smith. “Fuck!” He’d expressed in a breathy, self-berating tone. Those piercing blue eyes, full of desire and promise had always managed to spark irrepressible feelings of attraction in Levi, somehow boring down to reach into his very soul. A moment ago those soulfully blue eyes had spoken of conflicted emotions, and they’d teased of a vulnerability within Erwin, Levi thought made the man even more appealing. 

Erwin had the body of a god for sure, Levi truly believed he was an utterly perfect specimen of a man. And fuck, he’d looked just breath-taking in that blue silk suit. This shit was just too unreal. As time had passed, whilst waiting by the bar Levi hadn’t been able to still his arousal – he’d realised how he’d craved Erwin instinctively, like the air he breathed. He’d yearned to be immersed in the gaze of those eyes, his mouth exploring every inch of that perfect body, his hands mussing those sleek blonde locks, to be sated by the sounds of blood rushing through his veins, and hearts pounding in unison. “What the fuck Levi?!” He’d admonished himself harshly for resurrecting emotions he’d fought so hard over the last few months to convince himself weren’t real, and certainly weren’t reciprocated. But deep-down he’d begun to realise it was perhaps pointless to deny them any longer.

Levi had begun to shake again – this time in anticipation of what the evening, and the weekend held. Regardless of the Erwin’s explanation to why Levi been brought here, Levi had become increasingly uncertain he’d be able to resist him, all his barriers were falling fast. Had fate brought them here, brought them together, to this place of beauty, of dreams? Surprisingly these thoughts didn’t engender any feelings of weakness in Levi; regardless of how unfamiliar and overwhelming the strength of his emotional response to Erwin had been. He’d kind-of resigned himself to feel totally unfamiliar, but not necessarily unwanted feelings when it came to Erwin – and that was realisation Levi had fought long-and-hard not to accept, over the last few months. The scotch was doing little to dampen his intensifying ardour, it was just steadily beginning to slow his reactions. Levi had taken to hopping onto a bar-side stool, and resting his fur stole, which he’d taken off from around his shoulders, over his groin, in an attempt to disguise the hardness growing in his tight trousers. Patience wasn’t one of Levi’s virtues, especially when he felt so uncomfortable, so Levi began to scan the crowd methodically, urgently awaiting the blonde man’s reappearance. Desperate, for perhaps the first time in his life to liberate his emotions, and embrace what seemed destined to be.

\- - - 

Erwin had merely stood there, too numb to feel the icy bite of the night air, too astounded to speak, but unable to tear his eyes away from Levi’s. Stormy grey skies collided against the force of the ocean – the dynamic that moment stimulated was undeniable. God, the man was as breathtakingly beautiful as Erwin had remembered, all fire and passion wrapped-up in such a perfect form. Erwin had felt the urge to raise his hand, to touch Levi’s face, just to check the vision before him wasn’t a mirage, but he was frozen to the spot, unable to move. Erwin couldn’t quite comprehend how the man he’d dared to dream about was filling his present, igniting all his repressed senses and desires, devastating any semblance of Erwin’s confidence, intangibly stealing his air, his heart and his reason. Suddenly Erwin had observed a veil of indifference fall over Levi’s sharp grey eyes, and watched powerlessly as he’d just walked away. Erwin hadn’t really heard anything the shorter man had said to him, though he’d watched those delicate, thin lips move to form some kind of words. All he’d known is that he’d found himself alone, outside in the cold and Levi was gone. 

Erwin had still been standing there, outside for quite a while after Levi had retreated into the venue, still dazed, but now shaking uncontrollably, his whole body trembling. As much as he’d tried to maintain some sense of composure, he’d failed miserably, he always seemed to lose himself around Levi, and that wasn’t necessarily a criticism of his lack of self-control, just a basic fact. Increasingly aware of his publicness of his internal distress, Erwin had had the wherewithal to move a short distance away from the venue entrance, secreting himself in a quieter corner of the outer complex. 

He’d tried fruitlessly to hold onto the vision of Levi, there and now – a wondrous vision in silver and fur, raven hair sleek, soft skin tinged with a dusting of pink from the cold. However, that vision had suddenly been replaced with a more terrifying memory, its painful clarity hitting Erwin with the strength of a tsunami: a memory of Levi held under the weight of Erwin’s force, whimpering and struggling against Erwin. Heat and pain became the overwhelming sensation, and caused Erwin’s heart to thump painfully in his chest. Erwin had felt something lurch from the depths of his stomach, he thought he might throw-up from disgust. He’d moved swiftly to bend over to the side, clutching his stomach and retching, harshly, but thankfully dryly. He’d wiped his mouth, merely out of habit, hands still shaking, eyes losing their focus, heart about to burst from his strained chest.

Erwin had begun to feel incredibly self-conscious, he’d known he couldn’t break-down here, he hated showing such open vulnerability in public places. He’d allowed himself a few quiet moments attempting to steady himself, before he’d moved, a little more emphatically to take his mobile from his suit jacket pocket. He’d needed to know just why this was happening. Just how the hell he’d managed to be set-up, with Levi of all people, as his escort for the weekend? There was one man he’d trusted to bare all his weaknesses to, one man he’d spoken at length too about his feelings towards Levi, and Erwin suspected this was the only man who could give him his answer. 

Through still, semi-blurred vision Erwin had managed to compose a short, but to-the-point text to Mike that had simply asked - “what have you done?” Erwin groaned at the implication, cradling his head in his shaking hands, he’d felt certain he couldn’t face up to the reality of the situation. His initial reaction to his present circumstances had been a strong desire to flee, to get away as quickly as possible – fuck Reiss and his contract, to hell with his professional reputation, he couldn’t do this here, with Levi, he wasn’t ready to face his shame head-on. His panicked thoughts had been briefly interrupted when his phone chimed with what he’d assumed was Mike’s text reply. He’d lifted the phone screen to read the message. “I gave you the second chance you wouldn’t give yourself.” Then almost immediately afterwards he’d received a second text. “Don’t fuck it up this time mate!” Erwin shook his head, and groaned again – he really wasn’t prepared for this at all. What had Mike thought he was playing at? He’d no right to interfere, to toy with Erwin’s emotions like this. Despite being a ‘famed’ strategic and decisive thinker, Erwin had really no idea what his next move should be.

Time had seemed to pass at a snail’s pace, but Erwin had been unaware of its passing, his mind had been obscured with dark clouds of anxiety. He’d found himself still skulking outside the gala hall, shivering now from both the bite of the icy evening wind, and total and utter fear. His mind had been devoid of decision since receiving Mike’s texts, too shaken, and too astounded to gather his thoughts or take any kind of action. He’d found himself in a tortuous state of limbo. He’d felt desperate – but he’d known he needed to act, he couldn’t stay here hiding away, frozen by cowardice. 

Incredibly slowly, as if willing his body to move, Erwin had forced himself to recover a firmer, more upright posture, straightening his back from its hunkered position. But for the time being he’d still remained hidden away from view. A sense of stark awareness descended upon Erwin – he’d begun to fully realise where he was and that he had a decision to make, no matter the consequences – he couldn’t stand outside all night, it was damn-right foolish. He’d known he had limited options: leave or stay – give into his fears or find the inner strength he’d been so sorely lacking in the last few months, and deal with the hand he’d been dealt – the former, easier opinion had seemed favourable. His mind had recycled his internal directive to flee, over and over again, and do it right then and there. But his heart ached to see Levi again, even if it was just for the briefest of moments, maybe he could recover enough courage, and be brave enough to explain, to say goodbye at the very least. And that’s how Erwin had found his body lurching towards the hall entrance, his heart somehow taking control of his motor-skills. He’d not understood it, nor had he fought it, he’d chosen rather to put all his efforts into staying upright on incredibly wobbly legs.

The heat inside the gala hall had immediately brought a deep flush to Erwin’s face. On entering the hall, Erwin had quickly managed to remove his woollen scarf, his hand instinctively moving to smooth his hair. Somehow, regardless of the complexity of his inner turmoil, Erwin always recognised the importance of his appearance. His ability to bury painful emotions, and ‘play and look the part’ had helped him survive, not only the last few months, but in fact for most of his life – and that automatic coping mechanism was what had been required of Erwin in that moment, in that hall, filled with the business world’s great-and-the-good. His weakness could not betray him here. His vulnerabilities would not be worn on his face, of that he was determined. Erwin’s still shaky hands moved to brush and smooth over his silk suit, he’d been relieved to find it relatively unruffled. Eyes had turned and watched his entrance, he’d always be the type of man to attract attention, but he’d paid them no mind – he was there, in that hall to seek out just one man, everyone else just dissolved into insignificance.

A flash of silver and black had caught in Erwin’s peripheral vision. “Levi”. Erwin had softly whispered. The shape of his name had felt sacred on Erwin’s lips. It had appeared Levi had been looking for Erwin too, as immediately their eyes had locked, both remaining unblinking, refusing to break each other’s gaze. The crowd in the hall had gracefully parted to allow Erwin to approach the waiting man, unhindered. Their eyes never left each other, not for a moment, though the flush of heat, or perhaps nervousness, had rapidly framed both their faces. A few more unsteady strides and Erwin had been close enough to Levi that he could smell his intoxicating scent and feel the strength of the heat his body was radiating. Erwin had been struck mute, not for the first time that evening, relying on his gaze, and his slightly awkward posture to communicate both his amazement and his timidity, just to be in the man’s presence again. Erwin had remained in reverence at being in Levi’s proximity, and had just stood there holding his gaze. 

There had been no obvious discomfort at the silence, and the music and loud chatter of the gala had momentarily filled those empty spaces, whilst the two of them had just paused. Levi had been the one to finally break the silence that had settled between them. “You look like you could use a drink”. Erwin had nodded, or he’d thought he had, he still hadn’t been certain how much control he’d regained over his body. Levi had turned on his barstool to face the bar, raising the slim index finger of his right hand to attract the barman’s attention. “Two doubles – hold the ice”. 

Levi had quickly shifted again on the barstool, turning to face Erwin – his eyes flickering rapidly over Erwin’s face, trying to read his expression, perhaps. “I wasn’t sure you’d be joining me”. He’d spoken in soft, quiet words. His lips had formed into a pensive, narrow line, his expression remaining open, but his eyes had roamed Erwin’s flushed face, clearly seeking an honest response. “I wasn’t sure either, until a few moments ago.” Erwin had managed to croak out his reply, his voice shaky, and uncertain. Immediately he’d felt painfully vulnerable voicing the truth of the matter, but he’d known if Levi deserved anything, it was total honesty. Levi’s mouth had swiftly formed small ‘o’, with a mild look of disappointment flashing in his eyes. A look Erwin had almost missed, as Levi had then quickly turned to grab the two scotch tumblers from the bar. Twisting his hips of the bar stool again, to face Erwin again, he’d passed a tumbler to him – lifted his own, before both men had taken advantage of the chance to take a long gulp of scotch. Erwin’s blue eyes narrowed in wince at the burn, but they still remained focused on Levi’s – and his on Erwin’s, watching each other carefully, thoughtfully.

“So I’ve deduced, from your reaction earlier that I was the last person you were expecting to see here tonight”. Levi had carefully crafted his statement, not quite a question, just a little assertion to test the waters. He’d managed to deliver it in his typical nonchalance, his eyes not leaving Erwin’s, his expression back to being open. “Yes, you’ve deduced correctly”. Erwin had said, albeit his words spoken a little formally. He’d relied heavily on the scotch to help him form a clear response. Erwin had begun to feel mildly awkward, and had suddenly felt desperate to look away, but he was unable and unwilling to – so captivated by Levi’s searching gaze, and increasingly conscious that in order to express total honesty, he’d needed to at least look the man in the eye. Levi had nodded gently at Erwin’s words, clearly deep in thought. Then his eyes dropped momentarily, to his lap, where his scotch glass had been resting on-top of his fur stole. Silence had descended between the two men, for a third time that evening – as if both men had been processing their current predicament, perhaps both building the courage to speak again.

Erwin had taken a second mouthful of scotch, letting it slide easily down his throat, the pause had given him time to collect his thoughts. He’d forced himself to speak up, because he’d known his sudden bravado, fuelled by the scotch, was fleeting. “You can leave if you wish. I do not want you to feel in any way uncomfortable at this … erm … this situation that we have found ourselves in”. Erwin had watched Levi’s grey eyes widen on hearing his offer, but the smaller man had remained quiet. Levi had bitten his lower lip, considering Erwin’s proposal. Erwin had chosen to fill the silence again, quickly following up his suggestion by reassuring Levi - “you’ll still get paid, obviously”. A slightly harsher expression had formed on Levi’s face, his eyes appearing narrower, and Erwin had immediately chided himself, he’d said too much, the implication of his words perhaps too blunt. Had it been totally necessary for Erwin to state such a blatant reminder of their present client / escort contract. 

Levi’s narrow stare had been framed with furrowed eyebrows, and he’d shaken his head, more vehemently this time – a faint blush, had crept and coloured his cheeks again. Unbeknownst to Erwin, Levi had been surprised by the man’s chivalrousness, the guy had shelled out £9000 to bring Levi (well an escort) here for the weekend, and he was willing to let that investment just walk away. Levi had huffed lightly as he’d composed himself, and then he’d lent in, closer to Erwin, and asked pointedly - “why are you here Erwin? Tell me”. 

Erwin had shivered at the closeness of Levi’s body to his own, he’d felt Levi’s breath of his cheek. Levi had quickly lent back on the bar-stool, question delivered, and taken another long drink of his scotch. He’d then crossed his legs, clearly poised to hear Erwin’s explanation. “To win an important business contract”. Erwin had replied honestly. However, the slight shrug of his shoulders, and the little-boy-lost look which had appeared on his face spoke of his aim being possibly out of his reach, or perhaps immaterial in light of their current predicament. “Let’s concentrate on that then, shall we?” Levi had replied quickly, and delivered very matter-a-factly – he’d astonished himself by speaking with such confidence, such calmness. “The rest … this …” He’d flicked his hand leisurely gesturing between the two of them. “Well … we can put that to one side, for now. I’m nothing, if not professional. And that’s what you’ve paid me for after all”. Levi’s grey eyes had flickered brightly at the playfulness in his own words, though Erwin had merely winced, again, at the starkness of the implication.

After a heartbeat, Erwin had found himself nodding and merely replying – “okay”. He’d realised a simple, albeit painful concession on his part, might enable to begin to make amends for his wrongdoings. That second chance, Mike had alluded too. Erwin had quickly finished his scotch, and for the first time since entering the gala, he’d drawn his eyes away from Levi’s. Both men had simultaneously reached to place their empty tumblers on the bar. 

“Shall we then” - a tender voice had spoken, a velvet-clad arm held out, purposefully towards Erwin. Levi had no idea where his sudden boldness had come from, but he’d known he needed to survive the weekend, and not collapse under the weight of his emotions. The words that had transpired between the two men had offered Levi a chance to back-peddle, just marginally, just enough to stop him from falling in too deep. After a heartbeat, Levi had felt Erwin’s arm take his own – the heat exchange between them palpable, electrifying. Levi had hopped deftly off his stool, and immediately relaxed into Erwin’s firm grip. Erwin led Levi into the crowd. It was time for the business of the weekend to commence.


	20. the ice gala (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi and Erwn settle into each other's company.  
> The night holds much promise, right up until the moment when Levi is greeted by an unwelcome reminder of his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've rushed this chapter out, and I realise it's a bit of a filler chapter.   
> (Though I think you all have gathered by now, this is a very slow burn, Eruri fic).  
> Part 3 hopefully coming soon.  
> Keep the kudos and comments coming. I very much appreciate the continued interactions.  
> PS apologies to those who think the Dieter & Ilse shipping is wrong / odd, they are all minor characters to the main plot, really.

\- - -  
Levi had felt like he’d belonged on Erwin’s arm, as they’d mingled amongst the crowds of couples attending Reiss’s ice gala. After the first few shaky and uncertain steps, the two of them had perceivably relaxed in each other’s proximity, quickly finding their stride. Erwin had requested that a member of the waiting staff stow away their outer-wraps, so they could move around the gala unhindered by the bulky garments. Then Erwin had grabbed the two of them a glass of champagne each, handed one to Levi and then laced his arm back with Levi’s. Levi, normally one to scoff at such courteousness, had actually found himself blushing and relishing these small, albeit thoughtful acts. 

Levi had begun to adopt an air of confidence that felt particularly unfamiliar to him, especially in such a public setting, unfamiliar but good all the same. The obvious height difference between the two of them had only served to bolster Levi’s sense of self-assurance, and something else … pride, yes, pride, that’s what Levi had felt. He was on the arm of the most gorgeous man in the room, and to be honest he’d felt utter delight at being there. Together, they must have looked remarkable, and that thought had only served to fuel Levi’s attraction towards the man. Erwin felt solid, strong – the timidity and indecision Levi had sensed in Erwin’s earlier gaze and posture had simply melted away. The way Erwin strode, such with confidence and poise – god, the man exuded such command, as he stalked the crowd, filled with the best of the business world, like a lion choosing its prey. Levi had heard the rumours about how Erwin Smith operated in business circles, he’d even witnessed it first hand, at the Rose Rooms – though that experience had seemed, to Levi, like a lifetime ago. In that instance, in that hall, Levi had felt dwarfed by the power Erwin emanated, and it made him all the more in awe of the man. 

Erwin was a true titan of power, and suddenly Levi had realised his formidability seemed to draw people to them. The striking pair were swiftly becoming the centre of attention. Okay – Levi was no shrinking violet, but he’d never been one to welcome the unnecessary attention of others, especially in such a public, crowded setting. Levi had found himself leaning in closer to Erwin’s side, willing the numerous pairs of eyes that had been glaring at them to disappear, dissolve into the background, leaving just the two of them, alone. Sadly however, what was likely to be merely the first person of the night, soon gravitated towards the pair, making a beeline directly for them. As the man approached them Levi sensed Erwin physically steel himself in preparedness for the encounter. Levi had wanted to instinctively squeeze Erwin’s arm offering a gesture of support, but he’d resisted at the last minute, favouring just to remain as close to the man’s side as possible, their arms still locked together.

\- - -

Erwin had felt nervous, when Levi had offered him his arm, but he’d realised this was a chance, a chance being offered by a man he was still so unbelievably attracted. Instinctively he’d taken his arm, trying hard to swallow-down any sense of regret. The heat of Levi’s body had left Erwin feeling somewhat heady, as the two men took their first few, tentative steps out into the crowds, who were milling around the hall. A passing waiter had drawn Erwin’s attention briefly, and he’d instructed the staff member to take his scarf and Levi’s fur stole, so they wouldn’t have to carry the items around with them. He’d then leant to grab a couple of glasses of champagne, having to uncouple his arm, momentarily from the shorter mans. He’d felt his heart pang at the temporary sense of loss. He’d passed a glass of champagne to Levi, who’d accepted it willingly, a slight blush raising on his cheeks. Erwin had sipped his own champagne leisurely, not wishing to imbibe too much, so early on, he’d watched Levi do the same. Then he’d easily slipped his arm back into Levi’s, oddly accustomed to how at home it had felt there. Despite the difference in size between Erwin, at 6’2” and Levi, at around 5’3”, their bodies fitted decidedly securely together, and that was all Erwin had needed to feel a little more relaxed and begin grow in confidence. His mind had soon been able to put-aside his earlier anxieties, and reorient itself towards the business of the night.

Erwin had felt empowered as he’d led Levi calmly through the crowds. It had felt, just in that moment, as if all the regretful, shameful history between them had never occurred. Erwin was no fool, he’d know it’d take more than linked arms and soft words to reconcile their issues: but he’d also accepted this evening was perhaps a chance to put things aside for once, and just enjoy each other’s company. On the arm of such a potent force, packaged so compactly in such a fiercely, self-possessed body as Levi’s was, Erwin felt content. He’d considered how the pair of them must look to others: Levi perfectly presented, a vision in ice-silver and black, Erwin, sharp in blue silk – both with the keen vision of hawks, and the stoic, composed expressions of men with strength, character and influence. Erwin’s demeanour had easily adapted with these reawakened feelings of self-assurance, gone was his hesitancy. Erwin had begun to play the necessary part, prepared to be as ruthless as required in order to achieve business success. He’d begun to scan the faces in the crowd, and had spotted Dieter Ness, the boss of his competitor - Survey Taxis, long before Ness had seen him. Erwin guided Levi skilfully towards where his rival was standing, deftly avoiding the look of recognition on his opponent’s face, once he’d been spotted by Ness.

\- - -

“Erwin – what a pleasure to see you”. Dieter had spoken with a slight drawl, as he’d extended his hand to Erwin. “Likewise, Dieter”. Erwin had replied, his broad smile not quite reaching his blue eyes. As he’d spoken he’d enclosed Dieter’s hand in both of his, without ever letting go of Levi’s arm. Levi had marvelled at the size of Erwin’s hands, encasing the other man’s hand completely. As Erwin had taken Dieter’s hand, it had unwittingly brought Levi closer to the other man, and for a moment their eyes met. Dieter had thrown Levi, then Erwin the same questioning glance. “Ah, this is Rivallie, my partner”. Erwin stated, his smooth baritone cadence carrying the words definitively. Levi found himself just nodding gently in acknowledgement at the introduction, and then quickly he’d gazed up towards Erwin, whose blue eyes were seeking his own, searchingly, seeking clarification that he’d said the right thing. Levi’s eyes alone had immediately communicated his acceptance at the way Erwin had introduced him, and both men then let-out an unperceivable sigh of mutual acquiescence. “May I ask where your dear wife, Ilse, is Dieter?” Erwin had enquired pointedly. “She’ll be along shortly Erwin, she just went to powder her nose”. And so it had begun, without so much as a pause for air, the clipped, and rather stilted sentences continued to pass readily between the two men, and for some time. Levi had just found himself assimilating into the background, watching this careful manoeuvring advance, standing marginally behind and to the side of Erwin, despite the two still being linked firmly by their arms.

Levi didn’t need to know who this Dieter guy was, to know Erwin had regarded him with a certain amount of distain, and that the sentiment was equally reciprocated. But Levi had to give Erwin his due, the man had manipulated the complex choreography between the two business men to perfection – and maintained it, right up until the moment Dieter’s wife had re-appeared. “Hello Erwin, long time no see”. She’d positively purred at the blonde, holding out her hand towards him, and staring into his eyes. Erwin had taken her hand gently in his own, and had replied “hello Ilse, so good to see you, you look well. How are the children?” “They are good Erwin, you should come and visit us some time. You’ll not recognise them, they’ve grown so much since the last time you saw them”. She’d spoken warmly, maintaining eye-contact with Erwin as she’d chatted. Quickly though, as the conversation stilled, she’d turned her attention to Levi, regarding him with a certain sense of inquisitiveness. 

Levi had initially thought how the dark-haired woman had reminded him of Ymir, but he couldn’t help feeling mildly irritated by her unconcealed familiarity toward Erwin. Levi had purposefully cleared his throat, masking the sound by coinciding it with him taking another sip of champagne, but really hoping Erwin would introduce him to this rather predatory looking female. “Oh Ilse, this is … Rivaille, my … partner”. The two merely nodded at each other, Levi wasn’t one for unnecessary bodily contact with strangers, so he refused to take her hand. Levi instinctively tightened his grip on Erwin’s arm instead, moving directly to his side, in an attempt to convey a certain amount of possessiveness towards the tall man. The atmosphere had suddenly begun to feel a little awkward, so Levi had decided to take decisive action, he was bored at being held up by these time-wasters and their obvious posturing, so he’d lent further into Erwin, tugging lightly on his thick, firm bicep and stating hopefully “I’m hungry, could we get some food now, Erwin?” Erwin had composed himself immediately, responding to Levi’s request. “Yes, sure”. Erwin had turned to the couple and said. “Excuse us – Dieter, Ilse – I’m sure we’ll see each other again this weekend. Enjoy your evening”. With a slight bow of his head, Erwin had promptly whisked a grateful Levi away.

\- - -

As they had moved purposefully towards the back of the hall, Erwin had turned, bearing a sly grin on his face, and said to Levi. “Well that was fun wasn’t it?” Levi had been taken aback by Erwin’s levity, and had initially merely tutted in response. Then he’d followed up his tut by saying in a bitter tone. “I suppose, if you like conversing with someone with dubious facial hair, male pattern baldness and horrendous dog-breath”. A shocked expression had formed on Erwin’s face, and he’d quickly moved his free hand to his mouth, breathing into it, then bringing it to his nose, as if to smell. Levi had shoved his petite frame against the taller man’s, and said defensively “not you, you idiot”. Erwin grinned at Levi again, cheekily this time, and Levi realised he’d been teasing him. Levi had clicked his tongue in minor irritation, but as soon as Erwin’s eyes had left his gaze, a small smile had formed on Levi’s thin lips. He’d found himself naturally enjoying the blonde man’s company, and it felt good.

“Who was that prick anyway?” Levi had enquired. His normally quiet voice raised sufficiently so Erwin would hear it over the noise of the music and chatter. “That prick, is the boss of my biggest business competitor, Survey Taxi’s. The prick’s name, by-the-way is Dieter Ness”. Erwin had replied, keeping his voice low, his mouth incredibly close to Levi’s left ear, so close Levi could feel Erwin’s hot, heavy breath against his skin. Levi had managed to quell his shiver, and the sensation. “His wife was flirting with you”. Levi said pointedly, in a deadpan tone. “Ilse? Was she, I hadn’t honestly noticed”. Erwin had replied, rather unworriedly. Levi tutted again, irritated at Erwin’s evident nonchalance. Surely, Levi had thought, the man should recognise the influence he has over other people, know how fucking attractive he is – to both men and women, clearly. He’d wanted to speak out about, but he wasn’t sure how to voice his reflections, so he’d chose to remain silent on the matter.

“Let’s eat”. Erwin had said to Levi, following up his words with a light squeeze of Levi’s arm. Erwin was pulling the two of them gently towards the buffet table at the very back of the hall. When Levi had spotted where they’d be headed, he’d groaned – “a buffet? Oh - fucking great!” He’d spat the words out. “I thought you were hungry, what’s wrong with a buffet?” Erwin had asked, rather perplexed at Levi’s reaction. “What’s wrong? Only that a buffet is one of the least hygienic ways of serving food ever. All those guests, fingering the food, breathing their germs all over it. Hell no, no way!” As he’d spoken Levi had broken away from Erwin’s hold, and was stood, arms folded, and scowled expression forming on his face. God, he’d realised, he must look like a petulant child. He’d instantly recovered his temper, conceding partially - “I do need to fucking eat though. After 3 double scotches, and a glass of champagne, I’ll be on my back if I don’t eat soon. But I ain’t eating that shit!” 

Erwin had looked at Levi, concerned, and a little confused at the smaller man’s outburst. Though Levi’s behaviour had reminded Erwin of the huffy, sulky little fireball he’d picked up in his taxi all those months ago, and he couldn’t help but feel a sense of fondness towards Levi’s unguarded expressions of vulnerability. After a moment or two spent in thought, Erwin had merely given Levi a single, but firm directive “follow me”. And Levi had begrudgingly followed Erwin closer to the buffet tables, towards the cause of his distain. “Tell me what you’d like to eat – obviously, if it wasn’t so contaminated by germs and the such-like?” Erwin had asked Levi calmly, his hand waving leisurely across the expanse of the buffet tables. “Erm …” Levi had begun to peruse the buffet table, considering the range of food available, and his eyes had settled on the wild salmon fillets. “Wild salmon perhaps, with some rice”. “Sounds good. I think I’ll join you”. Erwin had voiced in agreement, before approaching a member of the waiting staff. Levi could see Erwin talking to the staff member, his hands animated, but Levi had been unable to hear what he’d been saying. After minute or two, Levi noted the staff member heading away from the buffet table, and he’d watched Erwin walk straight back towards him. Erwin had approached a rather puzzled looking Levi, stating “our food will be with us shortly. It’s coming directly from the kitchen. Shall we take a seat while we wait for it to arrive?” Erwin had calmly gestured over to an empty, dining table only a few meters away. Upon hearing Erwin’s words, and realising just what allowances the man had made for him, a heated blush of part shyness, part gratefulness had risen across Levi’s cheeks, not for the first, and probably not for the last time that evening.

\- - -

The two men had shrugged off their dinner jackets, each placing them on the back of their chairs, as they’d sat and awaited their food. Once the food had arrived, together with a pitcher of water and two glasses, Erwin had eaten hungrily. Levi had stolen glances at Erwin, sat opposite him, the bulk of his solid, muscular form obvious through his crisp white shirt and soft-blue waistcoat. As Levi ate, Erwin had watched him painstakingly cut each piece of his salmon fillet into small, bite-sized pieces, and eat with great delicacy and grace. Both were obvious to the other’s attentions, but no words passed between them. They’d merely paused, ate and savoured the silence. It had all felt effortless. A welcome reprieve for them both. 

As Levi had finished his plate of food, he’d spotted Eld, one of his previous clients leaving the queue for the buffet, and heading towards the dining tables where the couple were sat. Levi squirmed uneasily in his chair, hoping Erwin hadn’t noticed the marked change in his demeanour, as he braced himself for the inevitable shock of recognition. It came quicker than Levi had been expecting, and having spotted Levi, Eld made a direct line towards him, his expression, surprisingly open and happy. “Hi Rivaille. Wow fancy meeting you here”. Eld had embraced Levi warmly, as he’d rose from his chair to greet the younger man. Levi had sensed Erwin watching him. He’d felt his blue eyes boring into his back, so he turned and said “Erwin, this is Eld. Eld, this is Erwin, he’s my …erm my … partner”. Eld, thankfully nodded knowingly, and asked no further questions, but had merely leant over the table to shake Erwin’s outstretched hand. “What are you doing here?” Levi asked Eld. “I’m here with my partner, it’s a business trip. He’s hoping to win a big catering contract”. “Oh” Levi simply replied. “Here he is. Apologies, he’s been too busy sampling the food of the competition. Farlan, come here, I’d like you to meet someone. This is Rivaille. Rivallie, this is Farlan, my partner”. Levi had begun to feel dizzy and light-headed, he’d gripped the edge of the table for stability, knuckles whitening at the strength of his hold, as he saw the approach of an all too familiar face. Upon seeing Levi, Farlan’s grin suddenly morphed into an expression of utter shock.


	21. the distance in-between them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi's mistakes come back to haunt him.  
> Erwin shows his sensitive side, and turns Levi down as gently as he is able to.  
> The night of the Ice Gala ends with an offer being rejected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter doesn't seem too drawn-out, and repetitive. It is slightly longer than the other chapters, and the pace is quite slow, but I really wanted to wrap-up the Gala scene(s).  
> It has taken me a while to feel happy posting it, after lots of time spent tweaking.  
> Thanks for waiting patiently, and for your continued interest in this fic.  
> The comments, kudos and growing hits make me feel incredibly happy.
> 
> PS - I love Erwin's strong resolve. He's really just a sensitive sausage <3
> 
> PPS - I can just imagine Sing for Absolution (Muse) playing in the background as they close the doors to their respective hotel suites. And Pure Pleasure Seeker (Moloko) the background theme to Levi's attempts to seduce Erwin, such a slinky, sensual track.

“Rivaille? What? Who? His name is Levi”. Farlan had whispered, his corrective statement barely audible to the other three men. “What …?” The fair-haired man had suddenly fell dumbstruck, unable the hold back the tone of utter astonishment in his voice, but finding any clear semblance of words difficult to come by. “Farlan” Levi had simply stated in a rather flat, and slightly unimpressed greeting, he’d made no move towards him, merely giving a slight nod in recognition. Levi’s eyes, however had never left Farlan’s, who was returning his stare with a wide-eyed gawp, his face flushed, burning red, clearly totally astounded by Levi’s presence, and Eld’s seeming familiarity with Levi / Rivaille. Levi could almost hear the internal struggle taking place in Farlan’s head, as he’d attempted to comprehend the situation. Eld had merely been casting furtive glances between the two ex-lovers with a confused look on his face. Clearly there were untold secrets between the two men that somehow, now seemed to also have become Levi’s problem. Erwin had moved swiftly rising from his seat, sensing the palpable tension in the air. Levi hadn’t turned to acknowledge Erwin, nor introduce him to Farlan, but he’d sensed Erwin’s strong presence behind him, and to Levi’s surprise Erwin’s closeness, as well as the bodily heat he’d radiated had made Levi feel instantly safer, calmer.

“We .. erm .. we should take our seats Eld, and eat our food”. Farlan had said in a shaky voice, evidently attempting to compose himself, drawing his gaze away from Levi, to look pointedly at Eld, gesturing towards an unoccupied table a fair distance away from the scene of his embarrassment. As the two men, still holding their plates of food, moved decisively away from Levi, he’d heard Eld whisper gently “what was that about Farlan?” Their hushed exchange faded the further away from Levi they walked, their words now undiscernible. And for that Levi had been grateful, he hadn’t been certain he’d wanted to be subjected to the unfolding of a domestic argument between the two men. “Friends of yours?” Levi had flinched inwardly at Erwin’s tender, enquiring tone, speaking so close to his right ear. Erwin had moved to Levi’s side, still radiating powerful heat and immense strength that seemed to make Levi’s heart flutter rapidly. Both men had just stood still, for a brief moment watching Eld and Farlan settle awkwardly at their table, their ensuing discussion appearing to somewhat intensify by the animated exchanges taking place between them. 

Levi had sighed heavily, his shoulders slumping, uncertain how to articulate his answer to Erwin’s question. “Fuck, yeah … I mean … fuck! More like my mistakes coming back to haunt me”. Erwin had looked at Levi, holding his gaze, as the shorter man attempted to maintain his deadpan glare and had shrugged his shoulders, but his blushing cheeks and fidgety demeanour betrayed his obvious internal struggle. Erwin had felt his heart ache at Levi’s discomfort, but he’d kept his expression calm, and with some difficulty, had also managed to hold back from responding to Levi’s evidently troubled words. “Hey look, can we move somewhere else? Maybe get another drink?” Levi had been unable to keep a slight tone of desperation from his voice, his eyes moistening, with a pleading expression, as he’d looked searchingly into Erwin’s. “Of course” Erwin had replied, maintaining a lingering gaze at Levi, his blue eyes communicating an overwhelming sense of understanding and support, at Levi’s discomfort that again, Levi had felt grateful for. Erwin had simply placed a large, steady hand on Levi’s lower back, and had guided him smoothly, away from the table, grabbing Levi’s jacket off the back of his chair as they’d left. Levi had sighed again, this time in relief, and had forced himself not to look back at Farlan and Eld, as he and Erwin had walked away.

“I believe there’s a heated, outdoor terrace, with comfy chairs over there”. Said Erwin as he’d gestured over to a double-doorway at the left-hand side of the hall. “Do you want to save us a couple of seats, and I’ll get us some drinks?” Erwin said. Levi had nodded in agreement, taken his jacket from Erwin, putting it swiftly back on and had walked purposefully towards the terrace. The chill in the late night air had instantly cooled Levi’s flushed face. He’d grabbed a couple of fur blankets from a chest by the doorway, and had headed towards a swing-couch over in the corner of the terrace, located next to a large fire-pit. Taking his seat on the far end of the couch, Levi had instinctively tucked his legs underneath him and wrapped himself in the blanket, to guard himself from the freezing, outdoor temperatures. 

Levi had taken some self-comfort from curling into himself, seeking both warmth and security. He’d thought briefly about Farlan and Eld, wondering how their conversation had fared, wondering if they’d been honest with each other about how they both knew Levi … or Rivaille. Levi had tutted to himself, somewhat harshly, but deservedly so. He always seemed to fuck-up, whether it be himself, others, or more often than not, both parties. He’d impulsively started to think about how he could forget, forget he’d seen Farlan, forget his actions always left a trail of damage and destruction behind. Typically sex, a quick fuck, would have been his outlet, his default go-to – he’d considered whether that was an option tonight. Soon his thoughts had turned to considering whether Erwin would be interested in fucking him. The night, so far, had seemed to be going relatively smoothly, they both seemed to have relaxed in each other’s company, maybe the tall, handsome blonde wouldn’t turn down a cute piece of ass if it was offered to him on a plate. Well, Levi thought Erwin had been there before, it surely wouldn’t be a step too far for him to go there again. 

Levi’s tension began to wane, and his body began to stir and awaken, as he closed his eyes to fantasise about Erwin and him together, their bodies inter-twinned, emanating intense heat and desire, laid on a bed of furs, eyes open and locked, mouths receptive and exploratory. A noise had startled him from his vivid, albeit brief fantasy, and as he’d opened his eyes he’d found Erwin standing before him, holding out a tall glass towards him, a slight concerned look on his face. Keeping his legs tucked under him, Levi had just shifted into a more upright position, and reached out to accept the glass from Erwin - its contents were warm. “I thought you’d appreciate a hot cup of tea”. Erwin had said to him. “I remembered you liked tea”. He’d quickly followed-up, giving Levi a rather sheepish grin. The memory of Levi carefully packing his ornate tea-set, and tea collection from his ex’s flat, flashed in both their minds, as did the breath-taking sexual encounter that had followed. Both had quickly unlocked their gaze from each other, not through embarrassment, rather just wanting to savour in their own personal recollection of that day.

Erwin had sat beside Levi on the swing-couch, keeping a healthy distance between their two bodies, and loosely wrapping the second fur blanket around his shoulders, before taking a drink from his own glass. Levi had stolen at glance at Erwin as he had settled. The tanned-bronze hue of his skin, the bright blonde, immaculately-styled hair, contrasting with the ice blue of his suit, and the light-grey of the fur adorning his broad shoulders was a pure vision to behold. Levi had felt his breath catch at the sight. Erwin seemed to have heard his sharp in-take of breath, and had looked at him with mild inquisitiveness: eyes still wide, bright and oh so inviting. “Are you comfortable Levi? Not too cold?” Erwin had enquired, considerately. “I’m good”. Levi had replied, all too quickly, and Erwin’s questioning gaze had remained upon him. Levi’s body had tingled all over.

After a moments pause Levi had taken a deep breath, exhaling slowly, attempting to build-up the courage to explain to Erwin what had just happened back in the hall, he felt in necessary to be totally honest with him. When he had initially spoken, his voice was low and his words tentative, ensuring he’d held Erwin’s gaze as he’d spoken. “He was my ex. Farlan”. Levi blushed again. “Oh” Erwin had replied, nodding in acknowledgement at Levi’s admission. His blue eyes not betraying any emotional reaction. “The other guy, the one with the pony-tail, Eld, was a previous escort client”. Erwin winched internally at Levi’s honest disclosure, and the reminder that Levi was indeed a paid escort, and not necessarily here through choice. But Erwin had kept nodding his head to show he’d understood the implication of Levi’s words, and the awkward situation he’d just been faced with. “They are clearly a couple. I didn’t realise”. Levi had followed-up, making a definitive observation. “Yes, it seemed that way”. Erwin had said, hoping his words hadn’t sounded too shaky. He hadn’t been able to help himself, Levi’s checkered past hurt him: it pained him to hear these things from Levi, hearing him admitting his complicated connections to these men, as much as it evidently hurt Levi also. In that moment he’d realised if he could offer Levi an alternative future, unimpinged by such discomfort and regret, he would, and he’d do it in a heartbeat. But he’d honestly accepted that ship had well and truly sailed, and he’d needed to find another way to offer Levi what he’d needed in that moment – so all he could do was listen and offer Levi reassurance, maintaining a sensible, platonic stance. 

This is why it had surprised Erwin so much, when he’d felt Levi’s small body shift on the couch, and move purposefully towards his, evidently seeking a consoling embrace. As Levi’s body made contact with Erwin’s, Erwin had stiffened slightly, his firm muscles tensing, but he’d still permitted Levi’s closeness. Erwin had even moved to wrap his own fur blanket around the two of them, encasing them both in its warmth, but he’d resisted directly touching Levi, despite it taking an inordinate amount of self-restraint. His head had rested lightly on-top of Levi’s, he’d breathed in the fresh, intoxicating scent of Levi’s silky hair – closing his eyes as he’d attempted to relax into this unanticipated intimacy. He’d known his quickened heart-rate was betraying him, but he couldn’t still it beating hard and fast. Levi seemed settled against Erwin’s chest, his strong heartbeat instilling a sense of comfort, and Levi longed to be pacified, to be held tight within Erwin’s arms. “Everything I touch, I fuck up”. Levi had said, his quiet voice muffled somewhat in the plush furs that enveloped surrounded him. Erwin had heard his declaration, and his heart tugged at Levi’s self-admonishment. “Maybe you need saving from yourself?” Erwin had said reflectively, his sudden and unthinking outspokenness surprising him. He’d been grateful that Levi hadn’t been looking at him, as he’d spoken. Although his eyes were still closed, his face had flushed hotly at his own boldness. “Maybe I do”. Levi had replied in a mere whisper, sighing heavily and snuggling his face deeper into the furs.

Both men had found themselves relaxing easily together, able to ignore the icy bite of the air encircling them. They’d stayed embraced in furs, bodies pressed together, for some time. The remainder of Levi’s tea had gone cold, as had Erwin’s – half empty glasses sat forgotten on the arms of the couch. The music that was emanating from the hall had increased in volume, food and drink had clearly given way to dancing and revelry, as the night marched on. The terrace had long cleared of guests, leaving the two of them alone. Levi had been still, his breathing calm and regular, his mind clear. Erwin had spent time staring up at the sparkling stars adorning the night’s sky, memorized by their clarity and beauty. He’d honestly had little concept of how much time had passed as they’d sat there, together, but he’d found himself being the one to make the first decisive move to rouse the two of them from their self-contained respite. He’d placed a firm hand on Levi’s shoulder, shaking him gently, as not to startle him, and saying softly “it’s turning really cold out here Levi, are you happy to go back indoors?” Levi had jumped at the contact, casting off his fur blanket and standing immediately, a hand going to smooth the short under-cut at the back of his neck, and then turning to smooth his suit jacket and trousers. “Oh fuck! Yes! God, we’re both supposed to be working, not lazing about out here”. Levi had replied, somewhat alarmed at being caught-out, so lost in the moment. “Let’s go”. He’d said, this time holding out his small hand to Erwin. Erwin had stood from his seated position, stretching moderately, noting how his back had felt a little stiff. Then he’d tentatively taken Levi’s hand, noting how his own completely swamped the smaller man’s, as well as how satisfying it felt to be conjoined so. He’d allowed Levi to lead him back indoors.

Re-entering the hall had blasted both men with a shock, though not an unwelcome one, of hot, sweaty air. Their rosy cheeks made them looked like chaste lovers, returning guiltily from a secret tryst. Their clasped hands did little to avoid such inaccurate observations from the guests who had watched their entrance. It hadn’t helped that the first person to catch their eye, and move towards them, as they entered the hall was Uri Reiss himself. “Ah, Erwin Smith. I wondered when I’d get chance to speak with you this. Have you both been partaking in some fresh, evening air?” Uri had said, a slight smirk appearing on his face, as he took in the sight of the two men, who were now looking rather coy, but hands remaining firmly intertwined. Erwin had extended his free, right hand to Uri, shaking it firmly. “Good to see you Uri. Your set-up here is really something magnificent. A true testament to your vision”. Erwin had said, his stoic, business-like demeanour quickly recovered. “May I introduce you to Rivaille, my partner?” “My pleasure”. Uri had said, holding out his hand to Levi. Erwin had noted slight lilt in the man’s voice, as he’d watched Levi take Uri’s hand to shake. “Thank you for inviting us here, it’s a very beautiful place”. Levi had spoken quietly, but as genuinely as he’d been able to muster. 

“Please excuse me for a moment gentlemen”. Levi followed-up quickly, releasing himself from Erwin’s handhold, and nodding politely to both men. Both Erwin and Uri watched the smaller man walk slowly towards the gents. “Hmmm Erwin, I truly don’t know how you manage it. I understand you found that little one at my brother’s place”. Uri’s had been shaking his head in disbelief, at the sight of Levi and his tight, slim ass walking away from them. Erwin hadn’t honestly known where Levi had been contracted from, Mike had never told him, but it made sense that a high-class escort would be provided by Rod Reiss. He’d chose not to express his surprise at the knowledge, but he’d rather straightened his posture and looked at Uri directly. “I’m not sure where you are planning to lead this conversation, with that proclamation Uri, but I’d suggest we leave it there”. Erwin had spoken firmly, shooting down the conversation topic, before it caused any undue embarrassment for himself, or Levi. “Apologies Erwin, I meant nothing by it, certainly no offense. If it is any consolation, the two of you make the most remarkably attractive pair. You’ve certainly caused a stir amongst tonight’s guests”. “We have some … history together”. Erwin had admitted openly. “Ah!” Uri had replied. “Say no more”, with a somewhat understanding tone, and a sympathetic nod of the head. “Enjoy your evening Erwin. It is very good to see you. I hope we can talk some more over the weekend”. Uri had taken Erwin’s right-hand again in amity, then he’d merely swept away back into the crowed hall.

Levi hadn’t wanted to fuck things up for Erwin, as they’d been approached by the resort’s owner, and his employer’s brother, so he’d politely excused himself to visit the bathroom. He’d also felt a little disorientated, and he’d moved away on shaky legs. He’d felt such bliss, snuggled against Erwin’s body, he’d felt like they’d just fitted together perfectly, and honestly he hadn’t wanted it to end: he’d have been content to spend the entire weekend there. Levi wasn’t accustomed to being comforted, and reassured in a non-sexual way, but he’d had to concede that Erwin had given him (whether consciously, or not) exactly what he’d wanted, even needed, at that point in time. Levi needed some head-space to organise his disordered mind, so a bathroom break had been the best excuse.

As he’d entered the gents, he’d gone straight to one of the deep, marble basins to wash his hands. Surprised that this was the first point in the night he’d felt the need to get clean. He’d enjoyed his meticulous cleansing routine; drawing it out as long as possible; relishing the warmth of the water; and the soft cleanliness of the luxurious hand-soap. After a moment or two spent drying his hands, Levi had moved to the urinal, unzipping his trouser fly. He’d looked up at the man stood beside him, realising too late it was Farlan. “Fucking great”. Levi had thought to himself, unceremoniously handling his junk to have a piss, whilst looking away from the man next to him and rolling his eyes dramatically. “Oh, Levi. Hello again”. Farlan had said warily, once he’d noticed the shorter man standing alongside him. “Can we do this, after I’ve put my junk away Farlan?” Levi had snapped back, throwing a scowl directly towards Farlan in an attempt to halt any further conversation taking place at the urinal. 

Annoying, Levi’s piss seemed to take forever, and in that time he’d become more and more irritable. He known the cold chill had gotten to his bladder, that and the amount of alcohol he’d consumed, but he’d not been able to relax with the hassle of an impending conversation with Farlan hanging over him. Fortunately, Farlan had finished at the urinal, and had moved away from Levi towards the basins to wash his hands. As Levi finished-up, and popped his junk away, back in his trouser fly, zipping the fly up forcibly, he’d sensed Farlan lingering by the basins. With a definitive huff, to steel himself, Levi had turned and headed towards the basins, towards Farlan. He’d glanced at his fair-haired, ex-lover, who was stood, looking pensive. “Good”. Levi thought to himself, as he’d taken pleasure from the thought that Farlan felt awkward. “Serves the cheating fucker right!” 

Levi began the ritual of washing his hands thoroughly again, and Farlan finally spoke-up. “You look good Levi”. Levi had merely tutted in response, not wanting to hear any such compliment from Farlan. “Are you here on business or pleasure?” The fair-haired man had said, unable to hold Levi’s glare, as he’d whipped his head around to snap his retort at Farlan. “What the fuck is it to you? My business, is not your business anymore”. Levi’s words had been full of venom. “Eld explained everything, I had no idea you were working as an escort”. Farlan had spoken again, moving closer to Levi and kept his voice low. “And I’ll repeat my earlier statement, my business is NOT your business anymore Farlan”. He’d finished washing his hands, and he’d lent over Farlan to reach for a clean towel. “I’m sorry. For everything Levi”. Farlan had spoken with such sadness, such regret, his genuineness had almost, momentarily drawn Levi in. But he’d managed to stop himself. “I don’t wanna hear it Farlan. It’s in the past”. Levi had turned away from Farlan, to leave the gents. “Eld’s a nice guy, don’t fuck around with this one”. Levi hadn’t looked back when he’d delivered his parting shot, but rather purposefully walked steadily out of the bathroom.

Erwin was stood waiting right where Levi had left him. Uri had gone, and Erwin was holding two glasses of champagne, his eyes sparkling bright, like two huge sapphires, when he’d caught sight of Levi heading back towards him. Levi retrieved his earlier thought – the man looked like a fucking god, the diffuse light from the chandeliers in the hall, gave the tall, handsome blonde an almost untouchable aura. Levi, well he’d begun to feel utterly unworthy even being in this man’s presence. It seemed like the two of them occupied opposite poles. Just revisiting Farlan’s words, Levi had felt like a cheap phoney. He’d wished, not for the first time that night that he’d actually been Erwin’s real partner, and not merely his paid escort, but he’d lost that privilege, months ago. In an attempt to shrug off his descending malaise, he’d found himself reacting in the only way he knew how, the only way that empowered him, made him feel in control, made him feel good about himself – target and seduce. 

A coy smile had appeared on his mouth, his hips swayed with allure, his carefully placed steps dainty and demure, his grey eyes focused purely on Erwin’s, but becoming increasingly hooded with lust – Levi had advanced towards Erwin, pushing his small body as close as he could to the taller man’s and clasping his dainty, thin fingers around Erwin’s hand and the champagne glass he was holding. Erwin had shifted, somewhat uncomfortably and looked confused at Levi’s suddenly transformed demeanour. The man exuded pure desire and Erwin was aghast at how to respond, without fear of total submission. “Has something happened Levi?” Erwin had enquired, rather bashfully, and somewhat worriedly. “Not yet”. Levi purred. “But there’s still time”. He’d fluttered his eyelashes at Erwin, as he’d spoken, another chaste flush colouring his cheek bones. Feeling emboldened Levi whispered into Erwin’s firm chest. “I don’t think I’ve told you how fucking gorgeous you look tonight Erwin”. His free hand had moved to smooth over the silk adorning Erwin’s fit body. Erwin had instinctively realised his hand from holding Levi’s champagne glass, leaving it in Levi’s hand alone. With one hand now free, Erwin moved it to grip Levi’s wrist, firmly, without causing hurt and he’d said pleadingly. “Don’t Levi. Please. You don’t need to do this”.

Levi had visibly shrunk at Erwin’s words, but he’d kept his hand on Erwin, the leisurely touches stilled momentarily. “This, … this is what I do Erwin”. Levi had stressed emphatically, trying not to let Erwin’s potential rejection show in the tone of his statement. “No Levi, you’re much more than, than this”. Erwin had replied insistently, but genuinely, his eyes roaming Levi’s face, unwavering blue seeking to liberate soulful grey. Ordinarily he’d have lost his temper, lashed out, but something about Erwin’s expression, and something in his words had stopped him in his tracks, leaving him unwillingly contemplative. After a while Erwin’s grip on Levi’s wrist had turned initially into a soft hand placed over a smaller, cold one, then fingers had been intertwined in reassurance, in placation. Levi had sighed, deeply, longingly, but also in resignation. Erwin had quickly mirrored Levi’s deep sigh, and Levi had felt, with his hand still of Erwin’s chest, his taut muscles tense and relax with the action. In an attempt to deflect some of the shame he’d felt, Levi took a sip of his champagne, casting his eyes low to avoid holding Erwin’s meaningful gaze. “Can we just stay here for a moment? Like this?” Levi had asked, speaking mostly into his champagne glass, his voice seeming incredibly small and apprehensive. “Sure”. Erwin had replied, squeezing Levi’s tiny hand, which was still intertwined within his, tenderly.

Anyone looking at the two men, would have been forgiven for thinking they looked like a couple in complete adoration with each other. They had fitted so perfectly together, outwardly anyhow, they’d resembled a single entity. People would have never guessed the feelings of confusion, dejection and fraughtness that raged inside the two of them: seemingly unresolvable concerns causing them to act in ways that denied the reality of their feelings towards one-another. The crowds had continued to swirl around them, hands holding drinks, mouths smiling and laughing, feet moving, dancing to the music. They’d remained still, hands clasped together, held tight against Erwin’s chest, champagne glasses now drained empty. Time passed and they remained.

As the hall began to clear of guests, Erwin had suggested to Levi that it was time to head-off. Levi silently agreed and waited alone, whilst Erwin collected their outer wraps. Erwin had wrapped Levi’s fur-stole around his petite shoulders, and wrapped his own woollen scarf around his neck, in preparation for the icy chill outside. They were no longer holding hands, or even interlocking arms, and air of melancholy had descended between them, the bubble that had held them together had begun to deflate. They’d made tentative steps back towards the hotel, careful of the glassy ice that covered the paths. No words passed between them. As they walked down the corridor that led to their suites Levi had finally chosen to speak up. “I’m sorry about tonight, you were supposed to be working, and you spent most of the night dealing with my shit”. He’d felt a sting of embarrassment in the patheticness of his apology. “They’ll be plenty of time for work this weekend Levi. You needed my focus tonight”. Erwin replied with no harshness or regret. The softness in his expression drew Levi in, it was becoming his weakness. “I’m paid through the night you know”. Levi said, testing the resolve of the blonde man one last time. Erwin had gently shook his head, and then had moved to merely press an innocent kiss into Levi’s hair. “Good night Levi, I hope you sleep well”.

As the doors had closed on suites 5 and 6, hearts were racing, feelings were hurt, clothes were removed, cold, lonely beds were occupied, regrets were pondered, opportunities were missed.


	22. the chance to make amends (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an unexpected evening spent together, Erwin and Levi finally start to communicate with each other.  
> Only for more revelations to rock them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw boys.  
> At least they are talking, it's a start, I suppose.
> 
> PS: I know it's supposed to be the simmer / summer dim, but it's fiction when all said and done :)

Levi hadn’t been able to sleep which wasn’t particularly unusual. He’d only snatched about three short stints of shut-eye, totalling around 2 hours. Despite being restless, his body had remained wrapped in furs and blankets, in a vain attempt to stave off the cold emanating from the ice-slab bed (and the stark absence of someone to share his bed with). For the majority of the night his mind had been racing, swimming with thoughts of Erwin, and of their evening together. He’d replayed every word, every look, every touch over and over again in his mind, retrieving them from deep within that precious compartment, he rarely opened: the one where he kept his most sacred memories. Looking at his watch he’d realised it was nearing 5am. The curtainless, round window of his suite revealed a near-dawn sky lit with the winter ‘dim’ – a phenomenon in the north where the days and nights never achieved full darkness, nor complete light either – always remaining somewhere in-between. 

Levi rose from his blanket cocoon, and headed to the en suite, first using the toilet, then activating the shower, hoping his full-body cleansing ritual might revive him. As he’d entered the shower, running his small, soapy hands over his slight, but muscular body, he’d considered what in fact he’d ever have to offer someone like Erwin Smith. He was short in stature, though not unattractive; verbally crude, but fucking outstanding in bed; though he was honestly no more than a cheap slut; he was pretty skint and he didn’t even have his own apartment. All things considered he wasn’t a good catch, he was messed up, and he certainly didn’t feel like he was worthy of Erwin Smith. So there was no real wonder Erwin had rejected his persistent attentions last night. The poor man had probably felt more pity towards Levi, than physical attraction. Especially in light of the domestic dramas that had seemed to befall Levi at every turn. As he washed himself in a rather perfunctory manner, Levi had silently decided to stick with his earlier resolve: this would be his last, ever escort job, then he’d get his new apartment, and start to assemble some kind of life for himself, perhaps even returning to work for Keith Shadis, but certainly putting the last few months of mistakes, and maybe even thoughts and fantasies of Erwin Smith, well and truly behind him.

After a morning shower, much shorter in duration than he was typically used to, Levi hadn’t really had the stomach to run his hands over his body for a prolonged period of time, he’d felt somewhat repulsed by himself, Levi had decided he’d visit the hot springs. He knew he couldn’t go for his usual morning run, it would be just too treacherous on the ice, and he didn’t know enough about the complex’s facilities to know what else he could do to work off his nervous energy. And he’d really needed to get out in the fresh air for a while, somewhere where he was not likely to see anyone else, even if it was just for a couple of hours before everyone roused for breakfast. After he’d dried himself off, he’d dressed in his purple swimming trunks and wrapped the plush complementary robe (which was, unsurprisingly, way too long for Levi), supplied by the hotel around himself. It had been just after 5:30am when he’d left his suite, choosing to grab a cup of tea from the dining hall, before departing the hotel for the springs.

Levi had enquired with a member of catering staff as to the exact whereabouts of the hot springs. He’d been pleased to hear that there was a direct tunnel between the hotel and the springs. This meant he didn’t have to risk the ice surfaces outside on his route there, particularly as he had no suitable footwear, apart from his snow boots, and they just wouldn’t have looked right with speedos and a bathing robe. He may not have been a particularly vain person, but he certainly didn’t want to look like a total fucking tool, just in case he did encounter anyone else at the springs. 

Temporarily sated from his adequately brewed morning tea, Levi walked slowly, through a long ice tunnel out towards the hot springs. The colour spectrum of the winter ‘dim’ had strengthened in the last half an hour, as daybreak neared – highlighting vivid pinks, blues and purples in the early winter morning. The colours of the dim, together with the understated, but evidently landscaped setting of the hot springs looked perfectly picturesque. Levi had just stood for a few moments, sighing in satisfaction at the view. Despite the events of the previous evening, he’d been secretly comforted to know that the Ice Mountains hadn’t lost any of their magic. He’d delighted in the opportunity to experience their charm, alone and in peace – even if it was just for a short time.

\- - - 

Erwin too had had a restless night’s sleep. He’d spent the first couple of hours tossing and turning, tangling himself in the plush blankets that he’d covered himself with, so much so he’d had to wrestle them to avoid total strangulation. Sleep had finally descended around 2am, only for him to awaken, feeling oddly bright, albeit a little tired, around 4:30am. He’d learnt from his tour of the resort complex the day before that they had gym facilities, so he’d decided to head there first, and take his morning shower afterwards. The gym had always been Erwin’s sanctuary from his worries, it gave him the opportunity to focus himself and work-off his seemingly unbounded energies. No matter how tired he felt, a session in the gym worked wonders for his well-being. He’d dressed quickly in his gym gear, which he was thankful he’d remembered to pack it, and then, on pure instinct he’d also had grabbed his swimming shorts and a towel.

The resort’s gym was a well-stocked, well-appointed facility, unsurprisingly. It was becoming obvious to Erwin that Uri Reiss spared no cost or detail in his planning and execution of the resort’s build. The gym had huge glass windows that looked out onto the resort’s spectacular hot springs, which themselves were framed by the majestic Ice Mountains as their backdrop. Both the cross-trainer and the weights bench, Erwin’s favoured exercise equipment, faced the windows, and Erwin was grateful to be able to work-out and lose himself in the scenery. Normally Erwin would also gravitate towards the punch-bag during a work-out, but he’d had no desire to wrap his hands, nor viciously work through any unresolved tension, so he’d stuck to working-out on the cross-trainer and the weights bench.

Erwin had been alone in the gym for almost an hour, when he’d spotted a slight figure approaching the hot springs outside. The person was wrapped in a plush bath-robe, evidently far too large for them. The light cast by the winter dim had highlighted the figure’s dark hair – which shone like onyx, with similar multi-faceted, layered colours - hints of petrol blue, coco-brown and striking violet. Erwin had taken a sharp intake of breath when he’d realised who was visiting the springs this early in the morning. “Levi!” He’d whispered in exclamation. He’d watched discreetly from the gym windows, still sat on the weights bench, as Levi had slipped off his robe, revealing the delicate porcelain skin of his back and long neck, and the sinuous musculature of his shoulders, arms and thighs. Levi’s pert ass was covered, barely, with the skimpiest, purple speedos Erwin had ever seen. Levi had gingerly stepped down the gradual slope to the water’s edge, slowly and gracefully submersing himself entirely into the steamy depths of the springs. When he’d resurfaced, clear droplets of water ran leisurely down his smooth skin, and his hair was slick and glossy, a loose fringe covering his forehead. 

Erwin’s body had instinctively stirred in response to the sight, making his current position, straddling the weights bench, begin to feel a little uncomfortable, his gym shorts feeling a little tighter. Ten or so minutes previously Erwin had contemplated foregoing a dip in the hot springs for a strong coffee and a quick shower back in his suite, before joining Levi for breakfast. He’d taken no time at all to revise those plans. He’d stood up from the bench, and headed over to the changing rooms, to put on his swimming shorts. Glancing in the mirror, he’d realised how sweaty he looked. His normally immaturely-styled blonde hair looked bed-mussed, and his forehead and cheeks were flushed pink from exercise. His body was coated in a thin film of sweat and his odour strong and musky – ‘manly’ Erwin had told himself. He’d dismissed the urge to shower quickly before heading to the springs. The urgency to interact with Levi, to test the waters after last night, had been much greater than any concern he’d felt regarding his personal appearance.

\- - - 

Erwin approached the hot springs, initially unnoticed by Levi. He’d simply wrapped his towel around his waist as a meagre barrier to the cold morning air. When he’d reached the water’s edge, he’d unwrapped the towel, dropping it rather unceremoniously next to Levi’s discarded robe. Unthinkingly, he’d flexed his muscles, and stood by the springs, dressed only in a tight pair of light-blue swimming shorts, gazing out at the breath-taking view before him. Having paused in that moment, he’d lost sight of Levi. But unbeknownst to him, the smaller man had spotted Erwin, and had sunk low into the water, half-lidded, slate-grey eyes roaming the exquisite, male form stood on the bank. Just as Erwin had surreptitiously watched Levi, Levi was doing the same: eyes not leaving Erwin’s body as he’d took his first, tentative steps into the warm water. 

First, thick, taut calves and thighs had become submerged into the water, then the slim waist and full groin, showing the ghost of a promise, Levi wished had been his alone, obscured only by those tight blue swim-shorts, then a sculpted torso, with a peppering of fine blonde hair leading down his navel and beneath the shorts, then strong, bulky arms, finally broad, thick shoulders disappeared under the water – leaving only the square, model-like face, full lips, expressive bushy-blonde eyebrows, glacial-blue eyes and mussed golden hair on view. Levi had found himself panting with intense eagerness, desperate to approach Erwin and place his hands upon that perfect body, now slick with moisture. He’d resisted though, and remained concealed in the water, hidden from view, as Erwin finally took the final plunge, and disappeared momentarily below the water’s surface. In that brief moment, Levi had taken that as his cue to approach the unsuspecting blonde.

He’d moved fast in the warm water, approaching Erwin with stealth precision, his movements sleek as an otter’s. As Erwin had risen from the water’s depths, Levi was almost upon him. Having wiped the water droplets from his face, and shed his thick, blonde hair of its moisture, Erwin’s blue eyes opened wide, and caught sight of Levi, a mere metre away from him. His bright, grey eyes mirroring the kaleidoscope of colours cast off the water’s surface. “Hi”. Erwin had rather breathlessly offered a simple greeting to the raven-haired man, as he’d fought to regain his composure, after his full-body immersion in the springs. “Hi”. Levi had parroted back in response, himself still panting, partly from desire and partly from the minor exertion he’d expended reaching Erwin’s location. Their eyes had locked, and had seemingly begun to communicate much more than their modest words had allowed. “Did you sleep well?” Erwin had enquired, watching Levi shrug in response, before he spoke. “I managed an hour or so. Did you?” Erwin echoed Levi’s shrug, replying. “I had about the same. I thought a stint in the gym, and a quick dip might revive me before breakfast”. He’d offered that final sentence in explanation for his less-than-perfect appearance.

As they’d silently interacted, circling each other to retain their upright balance in the water, both men had gradually begun to move out into the deeper part of the hot springs. Both found themselves slowly treading water to maintain eye-contact, and their closeness. Levi considered himself to be a strong swimmer, but he’d found himself migrating towards Erwin, and placing a rather shaky hand upon the man’s left bicep, for stability. This action had brought the two of them much closer together, a mere hair’s width apart. Erwin had felt Levi’s hot breath against his chest and had shivered at the sensation. Whereas Levi had been mesmerised watching the rise and fall of Erwin’s chest, as he’d breathed rapidly, whilst continuing to tread-water. “About last night, … ”. Levi had begun to say, in a placatory tone, attempting to offer further explanation for his unwarranted actions of the previous evening. Erwin had instinctively cut Levi off, stating honestly, again with a slight shrug of his broad shoulders, his eyes revealing nothing but his genuineness. “I had a nice evening Levi”. “Oh”. Levi had replied, surprised. Initially he’d felt relieved that his behaviour hadn’t impacted upon the blonde man’s enjoyment, as much as he’d suspected. But then, he’d thought, Erwin could just be being polite. So Levi had quickly followed-up by saying. “I hope my conduct didn’t cause you any embarrassment”. He’d really wanted to apologise to Erwin for his provocative behaviour, especially as the man had shown him nothing but kindness, and treated him with the utmost respect Levi. Respect Levi hadn’t thought he’d truly deserved, especially after the night’s uncomfortable revelations. “Not at all Levi. The day didn’t turn out as I had expected, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t enjoyable”. 

Levi had raised his eyebrow at Erwin words and held a blank expression on his face, not fully certain of the man’s meaning. Erwin had quickly picked up on Levi’s puzzled look, and had continued to elaborate, intent on clarifying his meaning. “I wasn’t particularly sold on the idea of being accompanied by an escort this weekend, if I’m totally honest. The whole idea made me feel somewhat … erm … uncomfortable”. He’d paused briefly, searching for any flicker of hurt or dejection in Levi’s eyes. When he only found a mildly curious expression returned he’d continued to speak candidly. “As you correctly pointed-out last night Levi, you were the last person I expected to find as my escort. I thought I’d never see you again, after … well, after our last encounter.” Erwin had shifted somewhat uncomfortably in the water, his Adam’s apple bobbing up-and-down anxiously in his throat. Erwin had felt compelled to momentarily break eye-contact with Levi, as he’d wrestled with the rising sense of shame that continued to plague his recollections of their last encounter together. He’d flushed a deep red. Levi had perceivably sensed this shift in Erwin’s demeanour, but had determinedly remained at his side, using the tender grip he’d had on Erwin’s bicep to keep their bodies facing each other in the water. Levi had desperately wanted to speak out, to validate Erwin’s admission with his own. He’d steeled himself to break the silence, before Erwin had chance to collect himself, and speak again.

“I’d already decided this weekend would be my last escort job. It’s obvious I’m not cut out for the work. I just thought it would be a quick, easy way to raise enough money for a deposit and rent on my own apartment”. Levi had admitted rather honestly, though impassively. “I’m currently on an extended break from working at the Rose Rooms”. “Yes – Keith had informed me that you’d taken a leave of absence”. Erwin had admitted, reinitiating eye contact with Levi as he’d spoken. “He’s worried about you, you know”. He’d followed up in a whispered tone. “I’m not the best recipient of other people’s concern or kind words Erwin”. Levi had confessed quietly. He’d taken a deep breath before speaking again, surprised by how easy he’d found it to talk openly with Erwin. “So when I received your letter yesterday morning, I must admit I was a little stunned by its content. I too hadn’t expected to hear from you, nor see you again”. Levi had purposefully held back explaining himself further, he’d been too intrigued to gauge the blonde’s reaction to his disclosure.

“My letter?!” Erwin had firmly gripped both of Levi’s upper arms, forcing Levi to retract his own hold on Erwin, then he’d held him at a short distance so he could look at the shorter man properly. “What letter?” Erwin’s expression had held so much confusion, Levi hadn’t know what to make of it. “I haven’t written you a let …”. A dawning sense of realisation had swiftly descended on Erwin’s face, forcing his brow to furrow deeply, his eyes to narrow, as if pained, and his breathing to quicken. “Oh shit!” He’d exclaimed, releasing his hold of Levi immediately, and turning himself, in an attempt to swim away, submerging his body as low in the water as possible whilst doing so, as if to hide himself from the smaller man. Levi had discerned a quiet, staggered whisper as Erwin had slowly moved away from him. “You were never supposed to read that letter”. 

Levi had instinctively moved through the water, finding himself alongside Erwin once more. He’d placed his hand on the man’s shoulder, in an attempt to still him, he’d felt Erwin’s body shaking, uncontrollably beneath him. Leaning his face around to meet Erwin’s, understanding eyes searching for some kind of reaction or meaning. Pain had remained in Erwin’s gaze, his facial muscles flinching and all Levi could do was quietly endure the ache this had caused in his own heart. Remembering Erwin’s tender gesture from the previous evening, Levi moved to press a delicate, closed-mouth kiss into Erwin’s ruffled, damp blonde locks. The sorrowful expression Levi’s gesture had provoked in Erwin’s face almost broke Levi’s heart.


	23. the chance to make amends (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin and Levi settle into a way of 'being' together that begins to feel natural, and allows them to cope with the weekend as best they can.  
> They avoid dicussing anything that might disrupt their newly-found equilibrium though - but is that decision the wisest?  
> Only time will tell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boys, the path to redemption is slow, but sure.  
> Gotta love a forest for cleansing the soul.  
> I imagined the boys dreaming of flying as they laid their together :)
> 
> Thanks for the kudos and hits. I'm routinely getting 100 - 150 hits per chapter, which is just bloomin great!!  
> Keep 'em coming.

To say Erwin had felt shell-shocked was an understatement. It was the second time in two days he’d felt utterly floored by an unexpected revelation, engineered by one of his friends. Oh yes, he’d fully known, even in his astonishment, who exactly had been responsible for sending Levi that letter. He’d barely remembered exiting the hot springs, his damp, trembling body being wrapped tenderly in a soft bath robe, delicate, pale hands helping his arms slip into the robe, and then being escorted soothingly back to his suite. He had recalled a brief conversation, outside his suite, promising to meet Levi half an hour later for breakfast, after they’d both had chance to shower and change.

Once inside his suite, Erwin’s thoughts had begun to sober. His head was pounding, and his heart ached. Levi had received his letter – there was no need to question how, but certainly a need to question why? Painful memories began to surface, of his time spent in Hange’s clinic, the intense feelings of shame, his tears, the sense of hopelessness, the struggle of putting pen to paper, of feeling unworthy of asking Levi for forgiveness. Crystal-clear memories of a mere two-hundred words written, in an attempt to express his personal feelings of longing, desire, fear and guilt. Words he’d never hoped would find their way to Levi in their written form, words he’d hoped maybe in time he’d be able to express in person, feel strong enough to express in person – that’s what Levi had deserved, hearing Erwin’s voice speaking those words in utter repentance, them not being delivered via the impersonality of a letter. Instinctively Erwin shuddered, despite his room being quite warm, he buried his face, damp with tears and numb with disbelief, into his plush bath robe. Inhaling the robe’s scent, Erwin had realised it was in fact Levi’s robe, not his own. In his shock, Levi must have wrapped him in his robe. He inhaled again - it smelt of Levi, of freshness, of tea and a pleasant musk. The scent alone made Erwin feel heady, it was a scent he could become lost in. He’d forbade himself to think longingly of Levi’s svelte, pale form swathed in the robe.

Erwin’s legs had felt heavy, as they’d taken him automatically, though somewhat begrudgingly to the en suite. He’d felt reluctant to disrobe and take a shower, he could have stayed wrapped in Levi’s robe forever, but he’d recognised that he was still shivering, and he’d agreed to meet Levi for breakfast in less than thirty minutes. In spite of everything Levi still wanted to devote time to being with Erwin, and it hadn’t seemed he was doing so just out of duty, though Erwin could have been wrong. All Erwin could truly accept was how he really needed to sort himself out, and try and take each step at a time. The first step being to face Levi again, at breakfast and try and salvage something from the current situation. Though Erwin was certain he’d not be able to discuss the letter in any significant detail without fear of breaking down completely. Erwin’s second step, and equally important was surviving the weekend and attempting to remain focused on the business aspects of the trip. He’d hoped Levi would understand his motivations in doing so. Then thirdly, once he’d returned back home to the district, he’d try and gather the strength and wherewithal to address everything that had become unravelled this weekend – with Mike, Hange and hopefully Levi as well. 

Life had taught him how there was a time and a place for everything, and no matter how infallible he thought he was, Erwin wasn’t ready to tackle everything head-on, right now – it was too much, too soon. This said, Erwin had realised how there seemed to be a pattern emerging of late, where he was constantly being tested, stretched to his absolute emotional limits, and forced to rely on what little reserves of strength he had left to try and cope, and overcome the challenges placed before him. It had begun to feel like he was still in therapy, being forced to uncover, and then face all his fears, all at once, with the over-riding concern they might just overwhelm him. Maybe these trials which had befallen him this weekend were his penance, a true test of his regret? He’d thought on that revelation, as he’d slipped off Levi’s robe, hanging it reverently on the hook by the door and stepping into the shower. The idea had remained swimming around Erwin’s mind as he’d dried and dressed for the day ahead. And by the time he’d slipped out of his suite, waiting outside’s Levi’s door to accompany him to breakfast, he’d felt a little more certain to how he’d proceed with the weekend, and with his interactions with Levi. Recalling the words from his letter, this was perhaps his chance to show Levi who he truly was …

\- - - 

Levi had no idea about what the day ahead was to entail, Erwin hadn’t informed him, and the man had been too distressed for Levi to enquire, but he’d suspected it would be business related, so after his second shower of the day he’d dressed accordingly. He’d chosen the silver trousers from the suit he’d worn the previous evening, they were thankfully largely un-creased, a crisp white shirt and matching cravat, and the jacket from his other suit, the pink one. He’d also grabbed his white fur stole and gloves, just in case they’d be spending any prolonged time outdoors. Though he’d taken some time debating whether to wear his snake-skin shoes or not, knowing they weren’t great on the ice. He’d eventually decided to wear them, keeping his snow boots in reserve. 

Levi had picked up Erwin’s towel, holding onto it for longer than was necessary, not being able to resist pulling it to his face and inhaling its residual scent. The smell was overwhelmingly masculine – the sweetness of Erwin’s sweat, and a hint of mildly perfumed fabric softener. It hadn’t been the same laundry smell as the hotel towels, this had led Levi to deduce that the towel was probably one of Erwin’s own. He’d considered returning it immediately to the blonde man - that would have, of course been the right thing to do, but he’d hesitated and in that moment of hesitation he’d decided to hold onto it. He’d folded it, and place it carefully at the foot of his bed.

Exactly thirty minutes after he’d left Erwin, Levi was stepping out of his suite, to be greeted by a surprisingly composed, and damn-right fucking gorgeous looking Erwin. His smile hadn’t been as wide as the one’s Levi had seen the night before, but for all its tentativeness it had been genuine all the same. Levi had felt the corners of his own mouth curling upwards in appreciation at the man’s apparent regained composure, and Levi’s reciprocated smile, as slight as it was, hadn’t gone unnoticed by Erwin. It seemed regardless of what the man endured, he’d always managed a certain amount of self-possession that Levi had begun to privately admire. 

Levi had taken a moment just to drink-in the sight of the man stood before him. The straightness of Erwin’s posture meant he was towering above Levi, but this didn’t intimidate the smaller man in the slightest, in fact it did the complete opposite. In Erwin’s presence Levi felt safe. Erwin had been dressed in an off-white suit, equally as form fitting as the blue one he’d worn to the gala, but two-piece this time, omitting the waistcoat. He’d opted to wear a deep navy shirt, and again had forgone a tie, in favour of a chunky, complementary off-white woollen tube-scarf. With his perfectly-styled hair, piercing ice-blue eyes, and broad, muscular physique, he’d looked to Levi like a fucking mafia don. Dressed the way he was, he’d certainly have the edge over all the other business men and women at the resort, and Levi suspected all eyes would be on them as they entered the breakfast hall. Put it this way, Levi thought to himself, if business contracts were won on who appeared the most impressive, Erwin would win hands down, every fucking time.

Both men had obviously decided not to miss-out on the opportunity to complement each other’s appearance, especially as they’d failed to the previous evening. And for a moment, stood outside their respective suites, there’d been a bit of a tussle when it came to who spoke up first. Levi had conceded, just because he’d desired to hear Erwin’s deep, sensual, baritone voice. “Levi, you look … you look stunning”. Erwin had stated somewhat breathlessly, his blue eyes roaming Levi’s figure, and returning to gaze down at his face. “In pink? Really? Well thanks, I guess”. Levi had replied rather embarrassed and somewhat surprised by Erwin’s honest observation. “And you look …” Levi had taken a deep breath to brace himself to say the words he’d felt bubbling on his tongue. “Erwin, you look fucking, shit hot”. Erwin had chuckled at the compliment. “Shame we’re in an ice resort then, my appearance could cause us some problems”. Some of Erwin’s cheekiness which Levi had seen the night before had re-appeared, and it had instantly lightened the mood between the two of them. Erwin was the one to offer Levi his arm this time, and Levi had taken it readily. Feeling a little taller in his gait, and quite proud to be accompanying this striking blonde into the dining hall.

\- - -

As predicted, though the dining hall wasn’t as full of guests as the gala had been the previous evening, the two of them had caught everyone’s attention with their entrance. Levi had felt innumerate pairs of eyes following their journey to their table. Erwin had proven to be the consummate gentleman, and totally unaffected by the attention focused upon them – he’d acted as if Levi was the only person in the room. He’d seated Levi at a table by the window, looking out onto the Ice Mountains, even pulling out the seat for Levi. Then he’d taken a seat opposite the smaller man, and had gestured to a nearby waiter, to place their breakfast order.

The conversation over breakfast had remained undemanding, there had been no further mention of Erwin’s letter. Erwin hadn’t offered any explanation, and Levi hadn’t sought one. It was as if both men had subconsciously decided to put the matter to one side, for the moment. The conversation had instead focused on the itinerary for the rest of the day, and briefly touched on Erwin’s business strategy to win the contract on offer. Levi had seen further glimpses of Erwin, the business man, and it only fuelled his admiration and attraction to the man. Levi had pressed Erwin regarding his own role today, and Erwin had taken some time to consider Levi’s question before answering. “You’re one of the best contract managers in the Maria district Levi. Keith wouldn’t have employed you if you weren’t good at what you do. I’d be more than happy for you to contribute, whenever and wherever you feel able to. I’m sure your insight and advice will prove invaluable this weekend”. 

Levi had blushed deeply at Erwin’s heart-felt accolade. He’d almost forgotten his role at the Rose Rooms, it seemed like someone else’s life, not his own. He had truly just resigned himself to just being the piece of eye-candy on Erwin’s arm. Erwin seemed to sense this contradiction in Levi’s thoughts, perhaps noting the furrow appearing on the smaller man’s brows. Erwin had simply but firmly stated – “to me you’re much more than an escort for the weekend, Levi. Please don’t feel you have a play a particular role just to keep up appearances. None of that matters to me”. Levi was dumbstruck, uncertain how to reply to Erwin’s thoughtfulness. He’d modestly mumbled a “thanks”, speaking mainly into his tea-cup, whilst struggling to hold Erwin’s softening gaze.

\- - -

The Saturday morning (after breakfast) had started with a tour of the resort and its numerous facilities. Both men had wrapped themselves in their respective fur / wool stoles, bracing themselves for the chilly outdoor temperatures. The guests had been assembled in the hotel’s foyer, ready to be spilt up into separate groups, and be accompanied by a member of Uri’s staff, who would be leading their tour. Levi and Erwin had stayed close to one another, taking comfort from each other as the crowd grew and foyer filled. The groups, once compiled, had seemed to consist of men and women from the same businesses – all the transport providers had been selected to go in one group, the caterers in another, the stable managers and farriers in another and so on and so forth. This strategy had made the whole affair appear a little more intense, and competitive – and both Erwin and Levi had rose admirably to the challenge. 

The tour had lasted about two hours in total, and had been led by the resort’s deputy Manager. Levi had grown tired of the sycophantic remarks from many of the vehicular business owners, and had felt the urge on numerous occasions to speak-out. Along with the constant biting of his lower lip, Erwin’s hand had offered Levi a placatory squeeze every now-and-again, in complete understanding of his dilemma. They’d frequently exchange smirks and eye-rolls at increasing obsequiousness of the behaviour on-show. Dieter Ness had been one of the main culprits, much to Erwin’s chagrin. Levi had demonstrated a shrewd knack of countermanding one of Dieter’s fawning statements with a well-crafted question or observation that brought the discussion back to the specifics of the contract. On more than one occasion, Levi’s observations had even flummoxed Uri’s deputy. To say Erwin exuded pride towards his small, feisty companion would have been an understatement. 

\- - -

Their new-found talent for subverting the trends and conventions of the weekend had continued into Saturday afternoon, as they’d declined to join the others in the hot springs straight-away. They’d decided instead to take a short walk through the neighbouring pine forest, just the two of them. They’d both relished the thought of escaping the confines of the resort, and the scrutiny of others, even if it was just for a short time. Returning momentarily to their suites to change out of their smart, business suits, Erwin had met Levi back in the hotel’s foyer, carrying a rucksack. He’d dressed in a pure white set of snow dungarees, with a blue, high-neck, tight-fitting thermal top. Levi had chosen to wear a black, turtle-neck thermal top and his custom-made, suede trousers. Both had their snow boots on. Erwin fitted a light-blue beanie hat carefully over his hair, in an attempt to preserve his styled blonde-locks, and Levi hadn’t been able to resist tugging it further down to cover the man’s ears. 

Erwin had silently led the two of them directly out of the resort, and into the thick, pine forest, via a narrow, snow-covered footpath. Levi had felt comfortable just following the taller man, adjusting to the sights and sounds of the forest. He’d found it impossible to tread in the footprints left by Erwin though, the man was just too long in the stride for Levi to have any chance of mirroring his steps. For every track Erwin had made, Levi had followed making two of his own. Their tracks became woven and inter-twinned, as they headed deeper into the forest thicket.

Erwin had constantly checked behind him with quick glances, ensuring Levi was keeping up with the swift pace he’d set. But Erwin had felt no immediate necessity to converse with Levi: the comfortable silence was clearly appreciated by both men. The sight of the smaller man, his typical impassive demeanour perfectly ensconced upon on his face, making the slightest of tracks in the snow, for some reason made Erwin’s heart warm. After about an hour of steady walking, Erwin paused beside a natural hollow in the forest. All he was able to hear was the sound of their faint panting, from both the exertion and the chilled air, Levi’s footsteps crunching over the impacted snow, and the chirps and caws of unidentifiable birds circling high about the tree-tops. The over-head cover of the forest had allowed but the merest dusting of snow to settle on the ground in the spot where Erwin had paused. Erwin thought this was the perfect place to stop and rest for a while. As Levi had approached behind the taller man, Erwin had been busying himself, crouched close to the ground, and methodically emptying the contents of his rucksack. Firstly, he’d set about laying a large fur throw on the ground, patting it gently to indicate for Levi to sit. As the raven-haired man delicately taken a spot on the throw, Erwin had removed a silver flask from his rucksack, and turned to sit beside Levi.

Their closeness didn’t fill Erwin with discomfort or dread, as it once would have. Erwin had managed to seat himself deftly beside Levi, close enough that they were almost touching. His elbows had brushed against Levi’s body as he’d handled the flask. “Tea?” He’d asked Levi. “Hmmm fuck yes!” Levi had exclaimed contentedly. With a steady hand Erwin had poured two small cups of steaming black tea, and had passed one to Levi, who’d gripped it by the rim, and brought it to his nose to inhale the scent. “Earl Grey – good choice”. Levi had hummed, before he’d taken a delicate sip. Sitting there, appreciative of a warm drink and good company, the two men fell back into their comfortable silence as the minutes passed by.

The emerald green of the pine trees seemed more vivid against the white forest floor. Once he’d finished his tea, Levi had laid back on the fur blanket and gazed up at the forest canopy. He’d felt his breathing calm and regulate. Soon he’d felt Erwin lay beside him – he too had been looking up towards the bright winter sky. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Erwin had stated softly, breaking the silence finally. “Yes”. Levi had whispered in agreement, his tone breathless and serene. “I feel so alive out here”. Erwin had stated emphatically. “Once, this would have been the true wilderness of the districts. An undiscovered, primordial forest”. “Yes - probably – before Ur built his monstrosity of a resort”. Levi had scoffed in retort. “I wonder, if we close our eyes for a moment, whether we’ll begin to feel like the only two people left on the earth?” Erwin had said, somewhat philosophically. “Let’s try, and see”. Levi had replied, reaching out to grab Erwin’s hand, and squeezing his eyes shut.

Erwin’s fingers had effortlessly intertwined with Levi’s, as they’d laid side-by-side, eyes shut, relaxing into their personal moment of fantasy. Erwin’s breath had hastened at the intimacy of the touch. His eye-lids had flickered, through their thin membrane he’d focused on the blood-red reflection of the diffuse light cast through the tree-canopy. He’d felt Levi’s pulse, steadfast, and had concentrated purely on that physical sign – a sign that told Erwin they were alive, their hearts were beating, and they were together – and it comforted him greatly. Time passed as the two men lay together, hands and thoughts connected, giving themselves entirely to that moment, to their daydream. 

“I think I felt it”. Levi had breathed quietly, after about thirty minutes had passed, almost in a blink of an eye. “I think I did too”. Erwin responded, equally as tenderly, squeezing Levi’s hand in acknowledgement. “It’s a shame we have to head back”. Erwin had said, sitting up and slowly opening his eyes, still holding onto Levi’s hand. “Yes, yes it is”. Levi had agreed, settling in an upright position, and starting to stack the tea cups, screwing them back on top of the flask with his free hand. They momentarily broke their physical connection as Levi assisted Erwin in re-packing his rucksack. Levi helping to shake out the pine-needles from the fur throw before folding it, ready to be packed. 

After Erwin had fixed the rucksack onto his back, and Levi had brushed all of the errant pine-needles from his clothes, the two men had set forth on their return to the resort, back to reality. This time, instead of walking on the narrow path, now peppered with their footsteps, one in front of the other, Erwin had boldly retaken Levi’s hand, and they’d walked side-by-side. It meant their journey back had been slower, but it had felt much more fitting, more intimate. Especially after the epiphany the two men had just experienced together. It felt natural to Levi to have his hand interlocked with Erwin’s. It felt comfortable, safe … these were all thoughts that Levi recognised had begun to recur constantly since they’d met up the previous evening. And rather than question their validity, Levi had chosen instead to relax into them.

The two men had planned to join the rest of the guests in the hot springs upon their return to the resort, but after their almost three hour excursion through the forest, both men were feeling the after-effects, well of that and of their respective poor night’s sleep. Erwin had walked Levi straight to his suite, lingering in the doorway, with the promise to return his bathing robe straight-away. Levi had yawned and nodded in acceptance, mumbling something about leaving his door ajar for Erwin’s return. Erwin had retrieved Levi’s robe from the hook by the bathroom door, pausing briefly to inhale the heady scent one last time. He’d gone purposefully to return the robe to Levi, only to enter the smaller man’s suite to find him curled up on top of the fur blankets, fast asleep. Erwin had gently folded and placed the robe on the stool by Levi’s bed, and had moved to cover the sleeping man’s form in the plush blankets, tucking his body cosily into the blankets. He’d waited, watching peacefulness descend on Levi’s face. He hadn’t been able to resist pressing a gentle kiss onto Levi thin lips, smiling softly to himself as he did so, before turning to exit the suite and return to his own. Hoping sleep, and peace would find him equally as easily.


	24. the coldest night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dog-sled ride, to a night under the stars. What could be more perfect?  
> It prompts feelings to be revealed and promises made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. Work has been hectic. Enjoy the update, it's an especially long chapter to make up for your wait.  
> Comments / feedback welcome - especially on how I pitched the last part of the chapter. 
> 
> Hope you've all managed to take at sneaky-beak at my other fan/fic, which I'll be updating regulary too (All the ways we might have met). This will include multiple 3/4 chapter stories, which are pure Eruri porn, plain and simple - very different from this fic.

Levi had woken with a start, feeling flushed and momentarily disorientated. He rarely slept during the day, so when he’d looked at his watch through bleary eyes and noted it was close to 5pm, he’d been shocked. Then he’d remembered the events leading up to him needing this afternoon’s power-nap. His very early start, meeting Erwin in the hot springs, the uncomfortable revelation about his letter. A calmer breakfast, but which had brought Levi no closer to any answers, as regards the man’s feelings. The tour of the facilities and Erwin’s irritating business rivals. Then the sequestered escape into the forest just the two of them, and the dreamy moments spent laid on fur, in the snow, side-by-side. The contented walk back to the resort, hands entwined. The promise of a returned robe, the suite door left open in anticipation. “Shit!” Thought Levi. He hadn’t been able to remember Erwin re-entering his suite, but he saw the robe neatly folded, placed on a stool positioned at the end of the bed, and noted his suite door, he’d left open in anticipation of Erwin’s return was now closed. He’d realised he must have fallen asleep prior to Erwin’s return. He couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed. The one genuine opportunity he’d had, all weekend, to get the man into his suite, and he’d been unconscious – damn it!

He quickly looked for Erwin’s towel, which he’d placed, earlier that morning, at the end of his bed, and breathed a sigh of relief when he found it still to be there – Erwin hadn’t taken it back. He’d launched himself out of bed covers he couldn’t quite remember wrapping himself in, leaning forward he’d grabbed the towel, laid down again, and held it to his face. It was still a little damp, and the intoxicating smell of Erwin, still present, still pungent. Levi realised he’d felt something in that forest, with Erwin laying by his side. Something he hadn’t felt for a very long time, and that was hope. Just being around Erwin ignited passions and emotions in Levi that were different from any he’d ever experienced before, but not wholly unwelcome. This time he wasn’t just thinking with his dick. He’d not even felt like this in all the time he’d been in a relationship with Farlan. Sure he’d felt comfortable, appreciative of the man’s attentiveness, and he’d been sexually sated, but he’d never felt emotionally invested in Farlan, not really. 

“Hope”. Levi silently tested the word in his mouth. Surprisingly it didn’t leave a bitter after-taste. But what did he hope? He’d hoped the weekend would never end – but he knew it had to tomorrow. He’d hoped things with Erwin could become something more, something tangible, something lasting. He’d hoped Erwin reciprocated Levi’s emerging sense of hope. He’d hoped he could use what remained of the weekend to establish just where they could take things.

Speaking of Erwin, Levi had realised he’d no idea where the man was. Levi knew the evening meal at the resort would be being served about now, and he hadn’t wanted to miss a further opportunity to spend time in Erwin’s company, and he was kinda hungry too. Levi had left Erwin’s towel folded neatly by his pillow, and padded barefoot through to the en suite for a quick shower. Though it was his third of the day, Levi had felt a little sweaty after their walk, and he’d known a quick refresh wouldn’t hurt. After his brief shower, Levi had changed back into the ‘business’ outfit he’d worn earlier in the day – silver suit trousers, and a pink suit jacket – omitting the fur stole this time. 

He’d left his suite at around 5.30pm, and headed further down the corridor the suite number 5, Erwin’s room. He’d tentatively knocked on the door, and waited a few moments. Then he’d heard Erwin’s voice, a little flustered say “be with you in a minute”. Levi hadn’t been prepared for a semi-clad Erwin, just in tight-fitting boxers and matching pale blue vest, opening the door. His muscular form apparent and enticing. “Oh, hi”. Erwin had said rather sheepishly, a flush growing on his cheeks. “Hi – did you nap too?” Levi had asked. “Yeah – must have. What time is it?” Erwin enquired, whilst attempting to stifle a wide-mouthed yawn. “Time to get our asses down to the dining hall, if we wanna eat”. “Oh, right. Yes. Come in Levi, if you don’t mind waiting, I’ll just be a minute”. 

Levi had thought how positively cute Erwin looked when flustered and half-awake, and he’d secretly smiled at this as he’d followed Erwin into his suite. “Please, take a seat”. Erwin had ushered Levi further into the suite. Levi’s eyes moved immediately to the unmade bed, furs and blankets in complete disarray. He’d itched to sit on Erwin’s bed, to bury his face in the covers, to immerse himself in the man’s heady scent, but he’d held off, and had chosen to perch on the stool beside it instead. “I’d better … erm … get dressed”. Erwin had stated warily, perhaps just realising his true state of undress. He’d drawn a hand through his bed-ruffled blonde hair, an attempt to cover up his brief embarrassment. Catching Levi’s eye, Levi had nodded in response, and Erwin moved swiftly into the en suite, though he didn’t fully close the door. From his seated position Levi, thankfully, couldn’t see Erwin in the en suite, but he could hear the tap running, and Erwin moving around.

Levi’s eyes had moved around Erwin’s room, taking it all in. The pile of outdoor clothes, he’d worn earlier on the floor. The open wardrobe door, with this morning’s white suit hanging up. A wallet, phone and keys placed on the side-board. Levi had found himself deep in thought, he’d felt good about being invited into Erwin’s private space. But the jumbled bed covers were irritating Levi. His compunction to clean and tidy had made his fingers itch at the sight. Quietly, deftly, he’d risen from the stool and moved to the bed, aiming to straighten the covers before Erwin had finished getting ready. He’d been so taken up by his task he hadn’t heard Erwin asking him a question, through the partially open en suite door. Hence he’d been startled when a still semi-clad Erwin, now just wearing his boxers, with toothbrush in his mouth, appeared at the doorway and spoke again. “I said, did you manage to catch up on some sleep?” “Oh, yeah, I did. Must have been out like a light”. Levi said nonchalantly, trying to hide his awkwardness as being discovered leaning over Erwin’s bed, straightening his covers. At least he’d not caught Levi sniffing his sheets that would have been mortifying. “That’ll have been the fresh air, I suspect. Hey, you don’t need to do that you know, that’s what the maids are for”. Erwin had stated. “Tsk.” Levi had replied, in dismissal Erwin’s statement. “Are we gonna be dining at any point tonight?” Levi said, pointedly looking at Erwin’s current ‘outfit’, purely in an attempt to deflect Erwin’s attention from himself. “Oh, yes. I’ll just be a few more minutes”.

Erwin had returned to the en suite, and Levi, once satisfied the bed covers were now neat, had not returned to the stool, but instead had perched on the end of Erwin’s bed, crossing his legs in a relaxed pose, trying not to look directly at the en suite door. Moments later, and smelling utterly breath-taking, musky and exotic, with blonde hair perfected styled, Erwin re-entered the bedroom, still just in his boxers, and grabbed the white suit down from where it had been hanging on the open wardrobe door. He’d quickly stepped into the trousers, leaving the fly open, and had donned a pale blue suit, fresh from the wardrobe, tucking it deftly into the trousers before zipping them up. He’d selected the white waistcoat to wear over his blue shirt, and a matching blue tie. All the while he’d modestly kept his back to Levi. Finally he’d sat on the bed, close(ish) to Levi, who’d been trying extremely hard not to get caught gawping at Erwin’s perfectly sculpted body, while he’d been dressing. Erwin had quickly put on his socks and shoes, then had stood to pick up his wallet and phone from the side-table. Both not necessarily needed, but put in his trouser pocket more out of habit than anything else. “Ready?” Erwin had turned and flashed a gentle smile at Levi, his tops of his cheeks were still a little flushed from his recent sleep. Levi had merely nodded, he hadn’t trusted himself to speak for fear the shakiness of his voice would betray his calm, composed exterior. 

\- - -

The two men had entered the dining hall side-by-side. And as at breakfast, Erwin had seen Levi to his seat, before taking the one opposite. They’d chosen to sit at the same table. Erwin thought something about routine behaviours contributing to the enforcement of positive memories, but shook the thought away, he couldn’t risk daring to hope. “What would you like to drink Levi? There’s a wine and cocktail menu, if you’d like to choose”. Erwin handed the menu to Levi to peruse. “I’ll just have whatever you’re having”. Levi had shrugged, unable to focus on making a choice. “Same with the food”. “Oh, okay. I’ll try and pick something worthy of your trust then”. Erwin had said smiling across at Levi. Levi had been busying himself pouring each of the men a glass of water, to deflect his blush at Erwin’s reaction.

“We’ll both have the fillet of reindeer”. Which Levi had noted came with jägermeister sauce, almond potato puree, pumpkin & carrot – how fucking pretentious, he’d thought to himself, but he’d kept his facial expression flat. “And a bottle of red wine, the finest from your cellar please”. Erwin had this commanding way about him that intrigued Levi, in public the man exuded confidence, privately, the man was a bit on an emotional enigma. “Thought we’d better fill up on our protein, we’ve got a long, cold night ahead of us”. Erwin said grinning at Levi. Levi had rolled his eyes at Erwin, saying “so are you going to stop dropping bloody hints and just tell me what the fuck we’re going to be subjected to this evening? All in the name of business, obviously”. His droll tone, and repeated roll of his eyes hadn’t been lost on Erwin, who as still grinning like an excitable school-child. The waiter had returned with their wine, pouring a sample for Erwin to taste, before filling both glasses and leaving the men alone again. 

Levi had begun to tap his foot in irritation at being made to wait, he wasn’t renowned for his patience. Erwin had begun talking and Levi automatically stopped tapping, leaning in to hear the blonde’s explanation. “Well, they’ve planned an over-night stay for us, so we can see the Aurora”. “Okay”. Levi responded. “We’ll be camping by an ice lake high in the mountains”. “Camping? What the fuck, it’s like minus 30 out there at night Erwin!” Levi had said in astonishment. “I’m sure we’ll be provided with all the right equipment. And you’ve brought suitable outdoor clothing, haven’t you? We’ll be fine”. “How are we getting there? Snow-mobiles?” Levi had enquired, assuming Uri would have the latest, fastest vehicles to get them safely over the frozen terrain. “Dog sled actually”. Erwin had stated, rather meekly, looking directly at Levi for his response. “Fuck!” Levi had sat back in his seat, feeling somewhat defeated. He hated the cold, and hated the unpredictability of animals equally so. But he’d seen the excitement flash in Erwin’s eyes, and he’d refused to dampen the man’s spirits: it was his weekend when all said and done, Levi was just his escort. Though he’d been beginning to hope he was a little bit more than that to Erwin. “Let’s toast to you setting up the fucking tent in freezing temperatures, and dealing with the mutts then shall we?” Levi said, holding his glass up towards Erwin. A chink and a chuckle from Erwin, and Levi was resigned to his fate, of probably dying horribly in the ice wastelands of Karanese, his frozen carcass left as food for Uri’s dogs. He’d drained his glass in one large gulp.

\- - -

Their evening meal had been enjoyable. The food was great, though Levi wouldn’t openly admit to it, still much irked by the pretension of it all. And the company, well that just got better and better. Both men had found themselves talking openly about their pasts – they both discovered things they had in common – they both were orphans (Levi orphaned at a much younger age than Erwin, obviously, but still …), they both had younger sisters, who each had an unhealthy way of butting into their lives, whether invited, or not. They’d both had a disrupted school life – Levi’s caused by the death of his mother, and Erwin’s from having being moved around a lot as a child. They both had a ferocious appetite for success – Erwin had started his business in his early twenties, and Levi had worked his way up at the Rose Rooms after a shoe-in from Keith. Levi had admitted in the spirit of openness that he’d regretted not contacting Keith, and he’d resolved to remedy that on his return to the district. Erwin had merely nodded in agreement, not wanting to add to the smaller man’s guilt. After being seated in the dining hall for over an hour and a half, with the conversation flowing and having drained two bottles of red wine, Erwin had suggested the two men move to the resort’s bar. It had only been 7.30pm, and they weren’t due to depart for the ice flats until after 10pm – they’d probably needed around half an hour to get changed and ready. Erwin had implied that a few scotches might help Levi with the cold night ahead of them, and Levi wasn’t in any position to argue with his logic.

After getting both of them a glass of neat scotch from the bar, Erwin joined Levi, who’d waited for him in the bar lounge. He’d been sat on a two-seater sofa, pink suit jacket now removed, and laid carefully beside him on the arm of the sofa, shirt sleeves rolled up neatly. Erwin had sat next to him, and handed him his scotch. Raising his glass Erwin had spoken one word – “thanks”. Levi had furrowed his brows and looked directly into Erwin’s sparkling blue eyes. “What for?” He enquired, after taking a sip of his scotch. “For you … for this”. Erwin had genuinely been lost for words. “Oh, for my professionalism, you mean?” Levi said in a playful tone. “No Levi, don’t. Please”. Erwin said pleadingly, placing his large, warm hand over Levi’s. “So far, you’ve made this weekend, more than it should have been, more than I deserved it to be. That’s what I’m thanking you for”. Levi, still holding Erwin’s gaze, nodded in acknowledgement, and lifted his scotch glass to take another sip. Once buoyed by the warm of the scotch, and unfamiliar with such heartfelt appreciation Levi hadn’t been able to help himself. “So far? Does that mean there’s still time for me to fuck it up?” Erwin had responded with a faint, almost sad smile, and a gently shake of his head, blue eyes looking away from Levi’s for the first time since he’d uttered his simple word of gratitude. 

\- - -

It had been nearing 10pm, and both men were back in their respective suites dressing in their outer-wear. Levi had taken a while to ‘style’ his more ethnic attire, he’d felt the continuing urge to look his best for Erwin. Probably because at the hot springs he’d seen Erwin in a bath-towel and the man had still managed to look like a fucking sex god. Levi had looked at himself in the mirror of the en suite – dressed in his light-grey suede long-sleeved tank-top and trouser, as he moved the silver thread shimmered in the artificial light. Underneath the tank top, he’d layered a black turtle-neck, thermal vest, over his tank-top he’d selected his silver fur stole and on his feet were his fur snow boots. He’d got his gloves in his hand, and had been grateful that the tank top sported a fur-lined hood. He’d suspected this night was going to be horrifically cold.

In suite 5, Erwin had been equally as anxious as Levi, but in his case, not about his attire or appearance, but about something in the words Levi had spoken to him in the bar. About there still being time for him (i.e. Levi) to fuck things up. Erwin had doubted, the moment the words had been spoken, that it would be Levi that would fuck things up. He had been gradually suspecting he might be the one to turn the tables, and react inappropriately. Erwin had known he was beginning to feel something towards the man that threatened to over-power his control. He’d kissed the guy whilst he was asleep for fucks sake. Granted it wasn’t the crime of the century, but he’d done it without Levi’s knowledge or consent. And now he was headed to spend a night with Levi, the two of them alone, and he wasn’t certain he could hide his feelings, it hurt him to push them away, bury them deep down. 

The simple touches, the gentle words, the eye contact, the hand holding – what had that all been leading to? Had Erwin just been kidding himself, could he really continue to remain so restrained around Levi? The man that drove him wild with a passion he could hardly contain. He’d wanted nothing more than the break-down all the pieces that made Levi - his complexity, his crassness, his capriciousness - and reconstruct them in a configuration where Levi would want him, need him, and be willing to place his future in Erwin’s hands. Erwin knew now there was no kidding himself when it came to Levi, the man reached and unlocked parts of Erwin even he wasn’t able to fathom. He’d realised how increasingly difficult it had become to hold onto his self-restraint around Levi. So the prospect of a night alone filled Erwin with abject fear. Erwin was beginning to feel a plain and simple loss of control – his typical fight or flight response to being in Levi’s proximity. Perhaps the evening brought with it a chance for honesty, for feelings to be bared, for truths to be spoken. Whatever the night would bring, Erwin suspected that poor Levi remained in naïve oblivion.

With a shaky exhale, Erwin had exited his suite to wait by Levi’s door. He’d dressed sharply, wearing casual outer-wear that looked straight out of a fashion magazine. This time he’d settled on sky-blue snow dungarees, and a cream, turtle-neck, thermal vest. Topped with a padded pure white snow jacket, the same blue-beanie hat he’d worn earlier in the day, and his snow boots. He’d packed a small rucksack with provisions, ordered in advance from the hotel lobby. He’d found himself leaning against the wall, outside Levi’s suite, trying to look as relaxed as possible. When the raven-haired man exited his suite, Erwin had to suck in a deep breath. Dressed in beautifully crafted indigenous clothing, Levi looked like he’d just stepped out of the wilds of the Ice Mountains. His appearance was utterly perfect for the setting. Grey eyes filled with uncertainty peered out from the depths of a huge fur-lined hood, evidently seeking approval. Erwin had tried to keep his growing smile as least-predatory looking as possible. Levi had returned the smile with a brief smirk, as they turned to walk down the corridor together.

\- - -

The resort’s kennels had been located about a 20 minute walk away from the hotel. As they’d approached the kennels, it was clear why. The fervent barking of the sizable husky pack grew louder, sounding chaotic and a little intimidating. A small crowd of guests were stood around in a semi-circle receiving their instructions for the sled-ride. Nervously Levi had walked alongside Erwin to listen in, staying as close to his body as he could possibly get, without touching.

“There will be a maximum of two persons per sledge: one person will be the driver, who’ll stand on the back of the sled and other one will travel as a passenger in the basket”. Stated a man who obviously was the Kennel Master, demonstrating with the small sled positioned in front of him. “Each sled will be driven by six dogs”. He’d gestured over to the boisterous huskies, who were, one-at-a-time being strapped into their formation by younger kennel hands. “Your sled is equipped with a brake: use alternating pressure, applied with your foot to slow or halt. Remember the dogs are bred to run, and they move pretty darn fast. But they will take direction from you, if you are firm and clear in your instructions – both physical and verbal”. Levi had looked up at Erwin, who was nodding in acknowledgement at the man’s demonstrations. He’d nudged the taller man, and mouthed “you’re driving”, at him, and Erwin had replied merely with a corresponding smirk, and a raise of an eyebrow. 

“Always keep sufficient distance between you and the sled in front”. The Kennel Master had warned the listening group. “Your sleds have been loaded with everything you should need for the evening”. Levi had scoffed at that implication, and had to stop himself from making a sarcastic comment about king-sized beds and central heating. “Your route has been pre-marked with reflective markers. Don’t, for any reason, veer off the route. But when you arrive at the Ice Lake, you can set-up camp away from the others guests, should you so wish. Be sure to stay around the periphery of the lake. Make sure you secure and feed your dogs before looking after yourselves, they also respond well to hugs and play – remember they are also your transport home, in the morning, so look after them, and they’ll look after you”.

Okay, which pair would like to go first?” Much to Levi’s chagrin Erwin had volunteered them immediately to go first, raising his hand like a keen schoolboy. Levi had playfully nudged the taller man again, this time in an attempt to express his irritation at being proffered as the class guinea-pigs, but Erwin had just returned the nudge, equally as playfully, before striding over to the awaiting sled, leaving a reluctant Levi to follow. Levi had noted that the sled was merely a low wooden framed, rather flimsy looking cot-seat on skis. The kennel hands had padded the wooden basket with thick furs, and for that Levi had been thankful. It was Erwin who had drawn the short-straw. Driving the sled required Erwin to be balanced, hopefully not too precariously, with his feet apart on the back of the skis with only a bowed handle to hold onto. Levi had been comforted to see Erwin being supplied with a safety helmet, thick padded gloves and goggles.

As Erwin and one of the kennel hands had been talking through how to communicate effectively with the dogs (single words which seemed to consist of odd vocabulary such as mush, gee, haw and whoa), Levi had been busy settling himself into the furs, wrapping himself methodically in a hope his blanket cocoon would stave off the worst of the perishing cold. Once settled Levi had cautiously watched the dogs, and kennel hands attempting to keep them calm, they were a little too close for comfort. All of the dogs sported an odd mix of silver and ice-blue eyes, with thick silver-grey and black fur. Each wore a leather harnesses, attached to the tow line, which pulled the sled. Almost ready to depart the kennel hand ran through the names of their dogs – Mako and Blue at the front, Juneau and Sky in the middle, and Cheyenne and Storm at the back. Levi had known he’d never remember their names, he’d been too anxious to concentrate on anything other than hunkering down, and silently praying the two of them wouldn’t die on their route to the Ice Lake.

“Nervous?” Levi had heard Erwin’s breathy question, and had nodded from his fur cocoon, without turning to face him. He’d then felt a heavy, gloved hand rest on his shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze of reassurance, before hearing the kennel hand shout “in-line”, watching the dogs focus on the track ahead, and Erwin had followed-up with a firm “mush!” And they were away.

\- - -

The ride to the Ice Lake had been exhilarating. Through a letter-box sized peep-hole Levi had left in his fur covers, he’d watched the frozen, snow landscape whizz passed. The dogs were relentless runners. They had been obedient to Erwin’s occasional verbal commands, incredibly disciplined and actually pretty quiet, save for their heavy breaths. Levi had noted the luminous route markers along the way, comforted to know Erwin was leading them confidently and accurately to their intended destination. They’d been on the go for just over an hour, when the landscape unfolded before them, and the huge Ice Lake came into view. It was an immense flat plain, ringed by sparse trees, and the clear, dark blue night’s sky dominated the view. Levi had been certain he could almost discern the curvature of the earth from their location. It was breath-taking, a perfect setting for a night of Aurora watching.

A handful of colourful tents had been visible, dotted along the outer rim of the lake. Erwin had steered the sled away from the cluster of occupied tents, to a more isolated side of the lake. And once settling on a suitable location to pitch a tent, he’d brought the sled to a steady halt with a breathy “whoa”. Levi was astounded to see the dogs, stood calmly in-line, awaiting their driver to alight the sled. He’d felt Erwin’s weight step off the back of the sled, and round the side to check on Levi. “You okay?” He’d enquired, thumbing the fur covering over Levi’s face with clumsy, gloved hands to seek out his gaze. Erwin’s hat had been slightly askew, and his cheeks pink from exposure to wind-chill, he’d borne marks on his forehead and cheek-bones from the goggles. To Levi, he’d looked positively gorgeous. Levi felt renewed indebtedness towards the blonde, he’d managed to transport them safely and confidently to their destination. “Yes. I hate to admit it, but I kinda enjoyed that”. Levi had confessed, his voice muffled through the blankets still covering his mouth. “Me too. My heart’s still racing”. Erwin had replied in a slightly giddy tone, clutching a gloved hand to his chest to reinforce his words. “Stay here, keep warm. I’ll see to the dogs and pitch the tent”. Levi had nodded, utterly astounded by just how obliging the blonde was. He’d still felt pretty undeserving of Erwin’s continued consideration towards his wellbeing.

\- - -

Watching Erwin interact with the dogs, endeared him even more to Levi. He’d been like a big kid. Firstly he’d carefully unbuckled their harnesses, giving them each a firm stroke, a pat and a bowl of water. Recalling each of their names from memory. Once they had sated their thirst, Erwin had proceeded to roll around on the snow in what could only be described as a dog pile. Each dog wanting their individual hugs, clambering over each other to gain Erwin’s attention, tails wagging. After about ten minutes of play, Erwin had managed to settle the dogs sufficiently to turn his attention to pitching their tent. He’d erected the tent swiftly and efficiently, Levi thought there were no limits to the man’s capabilities. As soon as the tent was up, Levi had unwrapped himself from his fur cocoon, stretching his back and limbs to reawaken his circulation, and stretch his aching muscles. He’d fussed Erwin away, and busied himself organising the tent, filling the interior with furs, and setting up a camping stove to boil some water for a much needed cup of tea. Erwin had moved back to the dogs, giving them each some raw meat from a pouch, and spending time patting them again. All the while he’d been glancing over at Levi, catching his eye every so often, before blushing, looking away and returning his focus to the dogs. 

The unspoken interactions between the two men had seemed to have taken on a sense of innocence. They were struggling to hold each other’s gaze. The silence that had fallen between them was palpable. They had both, evidently felt nervous about the night ahead. Knowing they’d be together, alone, in a small tent. The air had become electrified, thick with shyness and tension. Erwin had finally taken the first step, retreating back to the tent, towards Levi, who’d been huddled at the entrance to the tent, melting snow in a pan on the stove. Two mugs sat on the blanket beside Levi, a filled tea-strainer set in one. 

Levi had budged to one side to allow Erwin to settle beside him on the blanket. As the ice had melted and boiled in the pan, Erwin instinctively lifted the hot pan, and brought it to the mug that Levi held out for him. Levi carefully strained the tea, placed the strainer in the second cup, and held it aloft for Erwin to pour in the remainder of the boiling water. Once both drinks had been prepared, Levi handed one to Erwin, who’d accepted it gratefully with “thanks”. Their shoulders brushed against one another’s, as they sat, in silence and drank their tea. As it had been in the forest that morning, no words passed between them, not for a while, as they soaked in their surroundings.

“I thought nothing could top the forest, but this is something else entirely”. Erwin had said, finally brave enough to speak out. Levi had just hummed in agreement. “Do you want to rest a while, and I’ll wake you when the show starts?” Erwin had enquired, conscious that the smaller man was probably feeling the bite of the cold night air. “Do you mind?” Levi had asked in response. “Not at all”. Instead of crawling into the tent, and settling on the furs, Levi brought the furs out, and wrapped himself in them, resting his head against, but not quite on top of Erwin’s thigh. Erwin had propped himself up against one of the entrance poles for the tent, and reached out to tentatively rest his right arm on Levi’s shoulder. Levi had wriggled and pushed against his firm hand, and settled himself even closer into Erwin’s side, closing his eyes and sighing in contentment as he did so.

\- - -

He’d awoken to a gentle finger brushing across the fine hairs on his cheek. A softly spoken “Levi” barely audible to his sleepy senses. Opening his eyes, Levi had been greeted with Erwin’s face leaning down close to his. “It’s started”. Erwin had whispered soothing, not wishing the wrench the smaller man from his slumber. Levi had sat up slowly, and automatically shuffled towards Erwin, dragging his furs with him. Resting his heavy head on the blonde’s shoulder, he’d for the first time looked out to where the horizon met the Ice Lake. The sky was illuminated with dancing flashed of vivid green, aqua and red. Levi had a vague idea what caused the Aurora, something to do with the collision of earthly and solar particles. But to be honest, Levi had thought the science behind it only served to reduce the magnificent spectacle down to a simple explanation. Why would one what to understand something so other-worldly - surely belief and wonder is better for the soul than mere understanding? Levi was utterly memorized, and he’d felt the compunction to draw Erwin close, snaking an arm around his side and holding him tight. He’d wanted nothing more than to share the preciousness of the memory of that night with Erwin, and Erwin alone.

“This is everything I’d dreamed it would be”. Erwin whispered in Levi’s ear. “It’s beyond beautiful”. “I’m glad I’m here with you Erwin. I wouldn’t want to share this with anyone else”. Levi had moved to reply, tearing his eyes away from the light show to look directly at the blonde. “I want to kiss you. Will you let me?” Levi had said shyly, biting his lower lip in anticipation of the man’s reply. Erwin paused, he’d been uncertain how to respond. After a moment or two searching Levi’s face, he’d leant down, and brushed his lips, which were a little chapped from the wind, against Levi’s soft mouth. He’d lingered there briefly, relishing in the heat and the softness, then he’d pulled his head away. It wasn’t so much a kiss, as a glancing touch. Closing his eyes, Erwin had released a deep sigh – of frustration or pleasure – Levi couldn’t ascertain. After a second deep sigh, Erwin had opened his eyes and begun to speak.

“It would be a perfect end to a perfect day if I could take you in my arms and make love to you the way I yearn to Levi. I want nothing more than to pleasure you in all the ways you can imagine and in ways you cannot”. Levi’s eyes had widened at Erwin’s passionate declaration, and he’d moved swiftly, hooking his right leg over Erwin’s thighs and turning to lie flat against his lower body, resting his head on the man’s torso. “But I can’t and I won’t”. At that Levi’s brow had furrowed, and he’d asked, looking deep into Erwin’s sorrowful blue eyes “why not? If it’s what we both want, why won’t you?” 

“Oh Levi, you tempt me too much, you expose all of my weakness bare”. Erwin had been shaking his head mournfully as he’d spoken. “This … all this is a fantasy construct. It’s not reality, it’s not our reality. You are not here by choice, but by contract. Forgive my bluntness, but it is true”. A deep shudder ran through Erwin’s core, Levi had attempted to brace himself against it. A flash of shame filled those blue eyes, and Erwin did everything he could to keep his gaze focused on Levi. “I have not had sufficient time to atone for my transgressions against you. I hurt you Levi, I caused you pain. God, I haven’t even found the words to express my remorse to you. Nothing can be nurtured between us, if we ignore these things. Nothing would withstand the strength of my guilt. It needs time, and patience”. Levi had moved to grip both of Erwin’s hands tightly, he’d felt tangible anxiety pour through the man’s words. He’d fixed his gaze on Erwin, in an attempt to demonstrate some kind of understanding. “I’ll wait”. Levi whispered. “And I’ll hope”. Erwin placed a gentle kiss on Levi’s forehead, and Levi had laid his head down on Erwin’s chest, listening to the pounding heart, he’d hoped would soon be offered freely to him. Soon after, the dancing lights of the Aurora had faded to mere wisps of faint colour, then vanished, almost as quickly as they’d appeared. Plunging the remains of the night, and shrouding the two sleeping, intertwined bodies, in darkness.


	25. the end of the fantasy (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Erwin and Levi try their best to come to terms with their last day together at the resort.  
> Erwin receives some positive news, then proceeds to breakdown his defences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I must start this note with a huge apology to all my dedicated readers. If you've read 'Dogging Tales' or have kept up with the comment threads on this fic you will be aware I've had huge IT problems over this last month. But now I've finally got a loaned laptop, and can get back to updating regularly. I've spent the whole day typing up my notes to get this chapter to you. Thank you so much for your patience. I have not abandoned this fic, and will not. I am too invested in the characters not to give them the ending they deserve.  
> I've split the chapter into two parts, just to ensure you have something to keep you going.  
> I have a planned medical operation next week, and will be probably off work and studies for a while, so hopefully I can dedicate much more time to this fic, and my other eruri fics.  
> Enjoy this update. Note: I've haven't closely edited this chapter, but I will, once it's out there.  
> As always, your comments and interactions are much appreciated.  
> Get ready for some feels guys xx

Erwin awoke with a painfully stiff back and an extremely cold face. A weight had settled on his chest, it was warm and oddly soothing, in complete contrast to the discomfort he’d felt in his back. Cracking one eye open, Erwin realised the weight was Levi. Still clutching Erwin’s body with delicate hands, his face buried deep against Erwin’s collar-bone, his soft breaths tickling Erwin’s skin. They’d fallen asleep, outside, and the night was reaching its coldest point. Erwin had shifted ever-so slightly from his cramped, semi-upright position, thankfully not stirring his sleeping companion. He realised to save the two of them from the bite of the frozen air, he’d need to try and move them inside the tent. He’d thought for a moment how he could achieve this without waking Levi. He’d decided to budge gradually backwards and into the interior of the tent, cradling Levi’s sleeping form to avoid jolting him awake. After a few tense minutes moving almost imperceivably backwards, Erwin managed to get the two of them inside the tent. He’d laid his head back flat against the floor of the tent, and swaddled the two of them in thick furs, making sure he didn’t cover Levi’s face entirely. It had felt strangely intimate, but innocent at the same time, to find his body so easily entwined with Levi’s. Their bodies had so unassumingly fitted together like pieces of a jigsaw. Closing his eyes, Erwin had attempted to relax into the moment, casting aside any worries of the past, or doubts about the future, determined for that instant to appreciate how real it had felt. Using the faint but steady huffs of Levi’s breaths to lull him back into a comforting sleep.

\- - -

Levi had been the next to wake, close to sunrise. It had taken him a few moments to remember where he was, and a few more to establish why he was so warm. He was laid out, his body pressed close to Erwin’s, his face buried in the crook of the man’s neck. Secretly he had been pleased with himself for staying so close to Erwin all night, he really hadn’t wanted to spend the evening any other way. He spent his first waking minutes enjoying the cosiness of their closeness, savouring the solidity of Erwin’s muscular body beneath his own. He’d felt an awkward arousal stir in his groin, and he’d shuffled slightly to avoid Erwin sensing his morning wood. Despite his best attempts, his tentative shuffling had awoken Erwin, who’d yawned widely, before peering through glazed eyes at Levi’s face. “Morning”. Levi had greeted him happily. “Morning”. Erwin had replied, stifling another big yawn. “Did you sleep well?” He’d followed up, looking into Levi’s alert, adoring gaze. “Yes, I must have. The last thing I remember was watching the Aurora outside. I don’t even remember getting inside the tent”. Levi had stated honestly. “Ah. That would be my doing. I brought us in here in the middle of the night. It was getting pretty cold out there”. “Oh, well thanks so saving both our asses from freezing to death”. Levi said, he’d blushed at the thought of Erwin trying not to jostle or wake him whilst pulling him inside the tent, but managing to maintain their closeness. And he was truly thankful, he couldn’t remember waking up to anything better in a very long time.

Levi had reluctantly disengaged his body fully from on-top of Erwin’s, choosing to rest beside him instead, both men laying out on their backs. “What’s the plan for today?” He’d enquired, hoping they could converse for a little more, rather than have to exit the tent and face the cold morning air. “Tea first … maybe?” Erwin had said with a soft smile. “Then we’ll head back after we’ve packed up”. Levi nodded at Erwin’s words. “After a change of clothes and breakfast, there are a few business meetings to get out of the way. I’d like your input again, if that’s okay?” “Of course”. Levi had replied resolutely. “Then I suppose it’ll be time to leave and head back to reality”. Erwin had said, a melancholy tone tingeing his words. Reality. There was that word again. It had conjured a memory of the previous night for Levi. A memory of Erwin’s sorrowful declaration, of his pained face when revealing the true honesty of his emotions, of his shame, and the complex duality of their situation. All unwelcome barriers - disallowing them to move forward with their growing feelings towards one another. “Will we be travelling back to the districts in separate cars?” Levi had enquired, hoping perhaps to eke out even a few more hours in Erwin’s company. “That was the plan. Same as our journeys here”. Erwin had replied, but he’d sensed the dismay creeping into Levi’s expression, so he’d quickly back-peddled, following-up with an alternative suggestion. “We could share, if you’d prefer. It’d be more economical that way, anyhow. I’ll just have to call my drivers and make the necessary arrangements”. “Yes. I’d like that, very much”. Levi had said, exhaling the breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding, desperately wanting to reach out to touch Erwin, to confirm his appreciation, but feeling too scared to. “Of course. I’ll arrange it as soon as we return to the resort”. Erwin had flashed a bashful smile at Levi. Picking up on Erwin’s sudden self-consciousness, Levi had made a move to stand, saying. “A cup of breakfast tea it is then”. Then he’d headed out of the tent to light the stove, leaving Erwin to process everything that had gone unsaid between them.

Erwin had exited the tent just as Levi had lit the stove, and was moving to collect some virgin ice to melt for their tea. Clearing his throat to catch Levi’s attention, Erwin had stated “I’ll check on the dogs before we have our tea, if that’s okay?” “Sure. Don’t be too long though. I’m not serving fucking ice tea for breakfast you know”. Levi had replied with a playfully sharp tone. He’d heard Erwin chuckle in response, before watching him walk over to greet the six dogs, smoothing his bed-ruffled hair as he walked away. Once again Levi had found himself memorised by the ease at which Erwin interacted with the huskies, in doing so, he revealed a simple, carefree side to himself that Levi couldn’t help but feel more and more attracted to. He’d methodically stroked and fed each hound, recalling their names, and paying the same care and attention to each. He’d been rewarded with licks and giddy cuddles. Both did nothing to help his earlier attempts at rescuing his hair-style, and as Erwin returned over to the tent, he looked more dishevelled than ever. But he’d looked happy too, and the sight of the beaming daft blonde had made Levi’s heart soar.

In the chill of the morning air, the two men had once again settled side-by-side to savour their hot tea, and bathe in the pure glory and majesty of the mountainous scene in front of them, for one last time. Somehow things seemed to have changed between them, only slightly evident amidst their polite interactions and cautious glances, but yes, they’d definitely changed. Things seemed perceivably lighter, easier, somewhat surer. This new feeling made both men even more reluctant to move to pack up and head back to the resort, but they knew their return was inevitable. They had stretched their time out as long as they possibly could, sipping their tea, and pressing close together, until Levi had made the first move to break the spell. “We should start packing away I guess”. He’d said. “I suppose we should”. Erwin had replied, after exhaling a deep, reluctant sigh. Levi had collected the two empty tea cups, swilling them with fresh snow, then the remainder of boiled water to clean them. Packing them, together with the camping stove away neatly in a bag. He’d then moved to shake out, and fold the fur throws, only to find Erwin waiting to help him in his task. They worked diligently together, slipping into their silent team-work with relative ease, firstly folding the furs, and placing them in the cot of the sled, before dismantling the tent together, and packaging it up. Ever-so occasionally their eyes had met, or their hands had brushed together, only to be followed by flushed cheeks, and soft smiles.

Whilst Erwin had then moved to harness the excitable dogs, Levi busied himself with loading the sled, and settling himself into the cot, again wrapping himself tightly in the available furs. With all six dogs in-line and ready for their commands, Erwin had approached Levi, ensuring he was tucked firmly into the swaddling blankets. He’d pressed a light kiss to the only part of Levi still exposed to the cold morning air, his forehead. Then he moved to mount the sled, to drive them home, back to the resort. The journey back was just as exhilarating for Levi, though this time it had been the ghost of Erwin’s warm lips pressed against his cold skin that had stolen his breath and made his heart beat faster. He’d refused to dwell on the impending moment of separation – it hurt too much to even think about. He feared he’d be forced to leave the best part of himself behind, in this memorable place. He didn’t want to be parted from this beautifully sensitive, complex man – not for a single minute. 

\- - -

Levi’s legs had felt heavy as they’d walked side-by-side back from the kennels, back to their individual suites. He’d appeared somewhat distracted when Erwin had arranged to meet back outside his suite, giving them about forty minutes to get showered and dressed ready for breakfast. He’d just nodded in agreement, and stumbled numbly towards his door. Forty minutes gave the men sufficient time to begin to pack away their belongings, the first step towards dismantling the fantasy that had grown and flourished between them. Levi had laid out his pink three-piece suit on the straightened bed covers, and had started to carefully fold his other clothes into a pile, ready for packing into his bag. He’d instinctively made a grab for Erwin’s towel which sat on his pillow, and had chosen to quickly abandon his task to head for a shower. Gripping the towel and holding it to his face, he’d inhaled Erwin’s scent as he padded into the en suite. His mind wound back to earlier that morning, when his lips had been millimetres away from Erwin’s soft skin, and the musky scent of the blonde had filled his nostrils and ignited his senses. Just that briefest of memory brought Levi to full arousal. Burying his face in Erwin’s towel, Levi had drawn his free hand down to grasp his erection. He’d began to touch himself with lazy, long strokes – savouring the increased sensitivity, and focusing on breathing in the heady scent of Erwin. Soon Levi had become overwhelmed, and his strokes matched the ferocity of his desire. Without warning Levi found himself spilling into his tightened fist, his muscles clenching at the powerful release, his chest rising and falling heavily with panting breaths, his heart pounding hard. He’d grinned contentedly into the plush towel, forming the blonde’s name on the curvature of his lips.

Erwin had stripped out of his outdoor clothing, down to his underwear, and had found himself wandering rather aimlessly around his suite, unable to enact any clear task. He’d known he’d not got long to get showered, dressed and make a start on his packing, but his mind was filled with messy, disorganised thoughts. The perfection of previous evening was slipping away from his comprehension – his mind was fighting to attempt to recall all of the pieces that had made it thus, trying to pin them all down. When he concentrated his mind, his thoughts were flooded only with the weight of Levi’s body against his own, the softness of his warm breath against his skin, the gentleness of his smile and the flush of his cheeks when he’d bid him good morning. Erwin’s skin had begun to prickle with gooseflesh, his hands subconsciously moving to palm his cock through his briefs. Somewhere in the back of his mind a memory screamed loud – attempting to deny him any pleasure from these recollections – but the strength of the new memories superseded that denial. The thoughts were lodged firmly into the fore of his mind, and served to fuel his growing ardour. He’d accepted that giving into desire, here and now, was permissible – in this fantasy construct, anything was possible. He could be forgiven, he could atone, he could seek pleasure, he could find restitution. Such a physical reaction to his emotional feelings towards Levi was long overdue. He’d barely had any time to touch himself before being overpowered, peaking with a crashing wave. His limbs left burning in the throes of ecstasy – and he’d relished the extremeness of the ache. For once pleasure replaced longing, indulgence replaced shame – and that brief burst of indulgent pleasure had given Erwin sufficient clarity to keep moving forward.

\- - -

Showered, and changed both men had met outside Levi’s suite, the slight heat in their cheeks, and a sharper colour to their eyes was the only residual sign of their sated desire. Erwin was carrying a leather folio of business documents. They'd walked together, sensing each other’s need to maintain closeness, arms brushing occasionally, towards the breakfast hall. Their dining routine had grounded them, and had lightened the sombre mood that hung over them like a storm cloud. Slipping into their roles, Erwin seated Levi, then himself in the chair directly opposite, and together they silently browsed the breakfast menu. Their body language had begun to mirror one another’s. They drank slowly, savouring the taste of their hot beverages. They ate delicately, tasting the range of rich fruits and sweet pasties served before them. Shy smiles, and extended periods of comfortable eye contact, had made the meal a more relaxed affair. They’d talked over Erwin’s tender document with focus and valued critique. Erwin had cherished how Levi periodically brushed away any food crumbs that had fallen on the documents. Levi had stolen unseen glances at Erwin, noting how his well-disguised nerves showed their ‘tell’ in the way he frequently stroked the back of his neck. He’d buoyed him with words of encouragement, and clear reminders on the detail, and particular strengths of his business proposals. Though they were both painfully aware that their bubble was soon to burst, they avoided discussing the imminent return to the district. Erwin merely informing Levi that he’d made the necessary arrangements for the shared journey back.

They had left the dining hall as they’d arrived, side-by-side. It seemed that every moment they spent together, the connection between them became stronger, their bodies like two opposing magnets, pulling together. With only their growing respect for one another and residual nerves serving to resist the pull.

\- - -

The morning’s itinerary had comprised a presentation, outlining the scoring assessment for the tenders, then a one-to-one meeting to provide bespoke feedback. Erwin had assured Levi that no decisions would be declared that day, and he’d been grateful nothing else would dampened their already compromised spirits. Levi had felt that invested in Erwin’s interests he hadn’t even paid any mind to the fact that Farlan was probably sat somewhere in the conference room. Instead Levi had profiteered a notepad and pen from Erwin’s portfolio. As he paid rapt attention to the scoring assessment presentation, he’d flitted animatedly between Erwin’s tender proposal, the original brief and the scoring system, which evaluated four key criteria – 1) cost effectiveness, 2) company capacity, 3) how close the proposal matched to original brief requirements, 4) reputation & references. The scores ranged from 5 – for excellent, down to 0 – for not eligible for consideration. As the speaker wrapped up their presentation, Levi had poured over Erwin’s proposal, glancing back-and-forth over the brief, and had written a score of 18 out of a possible 20, ringing it with his ballpoint pen, then nudging Erwin to show him his verdict. Erwin had nodded and smiled warmly at Levi, grateful for the man’s focused show of business acumen. In return Levi had offered the unexpectedly anxious blonde a quick squeeze of his forearm, and an equally warm smile. 

The speaker had finished with a screen detailing the times and locations of their individual feedback sessions. Titan Taxi’s was scheduled for just after 11am, and would be carried out by Uri himself. Erwin had suggested the two men retire to the bar area, to get a much needed shot of caffeine, and Levi had welcomed the idea. They’d had about an hour of time to kill. As the morning had progressed Erwin had begun to seem increasingly tense. And when he proceeded to rub his temples vigorously and persistently, whilst waiting for their drinks order to be fulfilled, Levi knew he’d have to intervene somehow. “You have no cause of be nervous you know Erwin. Your tender proposal was pretty impressive”. “Thanks for your appraisal Levi, it means a lot. I suppose I’m just conscious of the financial investment we’ve already made in anticipation of a positive outcome to this contract”. Erwin had admitted honesty, avoiding holding eye-contact with Levi. “Is that’s all that’s concerning you?” Levi had enquired tentatively, his cheeks reddening at his open question. “No, it’s not”. Erwin had replied quietly, keeping his eyes low. “Let’s focus on your business concerns first and foremost, hey. We can discuss any other worries you may have later, if you’d like”. Levi had offered, he’d moved to still Erwin’s hands from rubbing his temples again. Erwin had flinched slightly at the heat of his touch, and had drawn his blue eyes to meet Levi’s. “Thanks Levi. It means so much to me that I have you in my corner today, and throughout this whole weekend to be honest”. “Well that must mean you know a good investment when you see one”. Levi had quipped, the comment had smacked of a little too much self-deprecation, to be wholly appropriate for that moment, but it had elicited a shaky smile in response from Erwin none-the-less.

After an hour spent running through the details of Erwin’s tender, both men had felt adequately prepared for their meeting with Uri. There had been no question that Levi wouldn’t be accompanying Erwin to the meeting, and Erwin knew his presence was much more than just moral support. Levi truly was an outstanding contracts manager, he’d grilled Erwin on the minutia of his proposals, and the back-and-forth debate that had ensued between the two men had been oddly familiar, and appreciatively comforting. Erwin had had to stop his memories from returning back to that fateful day, that had started in the Rose Rooms, and had ended in a mental health facility.

\- - -

“Good to see you again Erwin”. Uri had said greeting the two men at the door of the meeting room, and encasing Erwin’s offered hand, warmly in two of his own. “And ah … Rivaille was it?” Levi had just nodded in confirmation. “Good to meet you again. Come in gentlemen, please take a seat”. Uri had gestured for the two men to seat themselves on one side of a mahogany office desk, whilst he’d taken the seat opposite. “Can I offer either of you two gentlemen a drink? A scotch perhaps?” Glancing at Levi to glean his agreement, Erwin had said “we’ll both take a scotch with you, thanks Uri”. Uri had moved over to a mini ice-bar, located in the corner of the meeting room, removing three glasses and a bottle of single malt from the bar. Pouring all three of them a decent amount per tumbler, Uri had turned to the men to ask “I trust you’ve both enjoyed the facilities here this weekend?” “Uri, this resort is just magnificent. As I said before, your vision and the execution of that vision has been phenomenal. We’ve taken advantage of everything on offer, and we’ll be leaving with some pretty special memories”. Erwin had glowed as he had spoken. Levi had been lost for words at Erwin’s declaration, and found himself merely nodding in agreement. “Well you both look well rested I must say, I take it a night under the stars wasn’t too taxing for you?” Levi had remained silent, letting Erwin reply once more. “I think that was the highlight of the weekend to be honest Uri, though those dogs of yours certainly kept me on my toes”. Erwin had chuckled in recollection, and both Levi and Uri had joined him in relaxed laughter.

“Look Erwin I’m just going to cut to the chase here. I know you’re a man that appreciates straightforwardness”. Uri had started, after draining his scotch. “We’re giving Titan Taxis the contract”. “What?” Erwin had exclaimed. “Really?” “Yes. Your tender was by far the most impressive. No one else could really compete. And honestly I hadn’t expected them to”. Erwin had sat, momentarily shell-shocked, and it had been Levi to raise himself from his seat to shake Uri’s hand, saying “you’ve made the right decision”. “I know”. He’d replied. “I’d appreciate you keeping this decision between us for the time being, until the contracts are finalised, of course. But can I take this opportunity to congratulate you, and welcome you to the fold”. Finally, Erwin had stood, and moved to embrace Uri’s hand. “Thank you Uri”. Was all he’d been able to say. “I’ll try and pop down to the districts in the next month to inspect your fleet, if that’s agreeable to you. I may even call in on my brother, I haven’t seen that varmint for a while”. “Yes, of course Uri. Whatever you wish, you’d be more than welcome”. “Well that’s our business concluded I think. Thank you for your time. I look forward to working with you Erwin”. Uri had shaken both men’s hands again, and had led them out of the meeting room into the corridor. As the door closed behind them, Erwin had moved to embrace Levi, picking him up deftly, and spinning him around. Then he’d suddenly stiffened, as if he’d remembered himself, and he’d placed Levi carefully back on the ground. “Fuck Erwin. I don’t know about you, but I need a fucking drink”. Erwin had chuckled nervously, as Levi had grabbed Erwin’s hand and literally dragged him, half-dazed back to the resort’s bar.

\- - -

Levi had ordered a chilled bottle of champagne, in celebration. But heeding Uri’s request for discreetness, he’d arranged for it to be delivered to Erwin’s suite. Then he’d guided the still astounded blonde back to the suite, assisting him in opening the door, and settling him on the edge of the bed, as he’d seated himself on the chair beside. Moments later their champagne had arrived, and Levi had adopted the role of waiter, swiftly opening the bottle, and filling their two chilled flutes to the brim with the sparkling fizz. “Here’s to you, Erwin Smith”. He’d said proudly, raising his glass in a chink against Erwin’s. “To your much deserved success”. Erwin had drunk his champagne, pulling a pained expression, like he’d tasted the sourest drink ever. “Your praise is undeserved Levi”. He’d mumbled into the now empty flute. “Right Mister, this over-dramatic pity ploy stops right now”. Levi had said firmly, and harshly. “Do you hear me, Erwin Smith. It. Stops. Right. Now!” Levi had moved to kneel at Erwin’s feet, jabbing his chest with his finger and forcing the man to look at him directly. “I don’t think you believe that we are always bound to be shaped by our mistakes, our transgressions?” Erwin’s eyes had begun to dampen at Levi’s words. “If you’ve taught me anything this weekend, it was that I am more than my mistakes and poor choices. I’m not just the slut-boy that chases random cock to feel better about myself. I’m not just the sad fuck who thought escorting would be the answer to all my problems. You’ve listened, and accepted, without prejudice, all that I am, and all that I’ve done”. Erwin’s eyes slipped away from Levi’s gaze, and this had momentarily angered the smaller man. “Look at me Erwin, please”. His plea coaxing Erwin’s moist blue eyes to fix to steel grey. “My admissions have washed over you, and have been dissolved in your acceptance and forgiveness. Why can’t you allow yourself to be more than your mistakes? Why don’t you think you are worthy of the same kind of acceptance and forgiveness?” For the first time in weeks Erwin had begun to cry, and quickly his tears ran freely. Only Levi’s arm around his crumpled shoulders, and his face buried into Erwin's soft blonde hair, stopped him from drowning under the weight of his sorrow.

\- - -


	26. the end of the fantasy (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin and Levi finally pack-up and leave the Ice Resort.  
> A frank conversation during the journey home clears the air somewhat, and leaves hope for future possibilities between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a short one, just a brief follow-on from C25. But it's well and truly time to put-to-bed the angst.  
> Enjoy. Comments and kudos much appreciated.  
> Genuinely sorry for the delay. But I'm on it now!!
> 
> And the song is the beautiful Falling Away with You, by Muse.

Levi had held onto the inconsolable weight of Erwin until his tears had dried.  He’d stroked his hair, and whispered precious, soothing words against his skin.  Once semi-recovered, and after wiping his hands over his dampened face, Erwin had accepted a second glass of champagne from Levi, as the smaller man had returned to his seat on the chair placed opposite the bed.  “Sorry you had to witness that”.  Erwin had expressed rather solemnly, taking a tentative sip from his glass. “I feel rather embarrassed for the both of us”.  “I think letting out your pent-up emotions was inevitable, given the circumstances Erwin.  And who am I to judge, really?”  Levi had replied frankly.  “Just promise me you’ll consider cutting yourself the same slack you’ve cut me though.  You don’t need or deserve to carry this shit around anymore”.  Erwin had given Levi a weak smile, but hadn’t been able to voice a response.  “Do you need to help packing?  Or can you manage it yourself?”  Levi had enquired, keen to get the blonde to focus on something else other than his malaise.  “No, I think I’ve got this”.  “Okay”.  Having drained the last of his champagne, Levi rose to leave.  “I’ll go finish packing then, see you back here shortly, yeah?”  Erwin had merely nodded at the smaller man, whilst still sitting numbly on the edge of the bed, looking glumly into his glass.  Levi placed his empty champagne flute on the dresser side, and moved the exit Erwin’s suite.  Looking back briefly at the forlorn, crumpled figure of Erwin, he’d felt his heart tug longingly.

 

\- - -

 

How long does it take to dismantle a fantasy?  Not that long in actuality, it had transpired.  That had swamped Levi’s thoughts as he’d moved around his suite, methodically gathering up his belongings, and packing them away in his luggage.  Each item of clothing conjuring specific memories of the past weekend.  Levi paused before reaching out for Erwin’s towel, deciding he’d return it to the blonde.  The fur throws, spread neatened on the bed had been another strong touchstone – for Levi, they embodied all the precious elements of the weekend, and Levi had felt loathed to be parted from them.  “Fuck it!”  He’d thought to himself, as he’d grabbed one to fold and stuff into his bag.  Uri surely wouldn’t miss one damn fur throw.  Fully packed, and dressed in his relaxed travelling clothes, Levi had turned to take one last look around suite number 6.  He’d reflected on the distance he’d travelled in the space of three days, how he wasn’t the same moody, confused person who’d arrived there reluctantly on Friday afternoon.  His whole transformation, his epiphany was anchored to this place.  He’d wondered whether he’d ever get chance to return again.  Lamenting, knowing he probably never would.  Though without Erwin, he knew the experience just wouldn’t be the same.  He left the suite and closed the door on their fantasy, for the last time.

 

\- - -

 

Erwin had taken much longer to dismantle the fantasy tied-up in his suite, in the very essence of his belongings.  He’d still felt wracked with conflicting emotion, and despite the positivity arising from his successful business dealings, the weight of Levi’s words felt heavy on his chest.  That beautiful, forgiving, multi-faceted creature had made it possible for Erwin to consider redemption.  The authenticity of his gestures had broken Erwin apart, forced him to crumble in front of him.  Shaking his head in astonishment, he’d begun to pack away the elements of their weekend together, piece-by-piece, mentally reconstructing all the stages, all the interactions, all the allowances that had led to Levi’s act of unquestionable liberation of Erwin’s wrongdoing.  The internalised duality to Erwin’s identity had made it difficult to reconcile his actions to Levi’s selfless gift – however, the more he’d from the weekend, the more he could identify with, and begin to accept the source of his compassion.  Erwin had managed to show Levi that better side of himself, and their interactions had flourished because of it.  Finalising his packing, Erwin too had felt the urge to preserve a small token of this weekend, and he’d felt himself brushing his hand against the fur throw, and he considered just what he might procure.  The softness of the fur under his fingers quickly brought forward strong memories of the forest, and the ice lake, of the preciousness of Levi’s touch – and swiftly a single, fur throw found itself folded and secreted away inside the man’s luggage.  Moments later, Levi had knocked and entered Erwin’s suite, laden with a heavy bag and clearly ready to head out.  A knowing, melancholy expression fixed on his face.  Erwin had risen to his feet silently, grabbing his various pieces of luggage and begrudgingly leaving the suite, walking a step or two behind Levi, back to the hotel foyer.

 

\- - -

 

One of the new vehicles in the Titan fleet, a top-of-the-range Jaguar, had been waiting, engine idling, for the two men as they’d exited the hotel.  The resort’s bellboy had followed them out to assist with their luggage, lifting it into the car’s open boot carefully.  Levi had hung-around the back of the car, waiting for the bellboy to leave, before foraging in his bag, and grabbing the lush fur throw, tucking in under his arm in an attempt to shield it from view, as he’d moved to get seated in the car.  Erwin had joined him in the back seat of the Jaguar.  The driver, Gunther, had turned to greet Erwin – referring to him as ‘Boss’ and firstly enquiring whether he’d had a good weekend.  “It’s been great Gunther, very productive, and restful at the same time.  It’s a shame to have to leave to be honest.  But it’ll be good to get back to the business.  How’s things been at HQ?”  “All’s good boss.  Mike’s had everything in hand.  But I won’t spoil what’s left of your weekend by discussing business.  The roads here were pretty clear we aren’t expecting any problems with the weather for the journey back.  We should be back in the districts before nightfall”.  Erwin had let out a sigh of relief, thanking Gunther for the information.  Prior to pulling away Gunther, had asked Erwin whether he required the privacy screen to be deployed, and Erwin had replied “yes, that would be appreciated, thank you Gunther”. 

 

As the privacy screen ascended Levi too had sighed, pleased at the gesture of privacy, before fastening himself into the seat belt, and resting back into the soft leather seat.  Then remembering the fur throw, he’d unfurled it, and wrapped it haphazardly around him.  Erwin had glanced over at the nestled raven, raising his bushy eyebrows, and curling his lips into a soft smile, before leaning over to straighten the fur, ensuring Levi was comfortably cocooned.  His hand had waivered incredibly close to Levi’s steadily flushing cheeks, before brushing the slightest, gentlest trail against his face.  “I have had a good weekend, you know.  And I am truly disappointed it is over”.  As he’d spoken Erwin had fixed his gaze to Levi’s, reinforcing the genuineness of his words.  “Me too.  And we didn’t manage to fuck it up did we?”  Levi had replied, biting his lip anxiously, as he sought an unspoken answer in Erwin’s gaze.  The blonde had chuckled softly, shaking his head lightly and returning Levi’s question with sparkling ocean, blue-eyes. “No.  No we didn’t, did we”.  Erwin had rested back into his own seat, laying his head back, and staring out of the window, watching the mountainous scene diminish in their wake.  He’d felt emotionally exhausted, but the weight he’d been carrying around for months now, he felt was diminishing too.  He’d known the man resting next to him was, in-part responsible for that.  As he’d sat watching the majesty of the Ice Mountains fade into memory, he’d wrestled with how he could possibly even begin to verbalise his gratitude towards his compassionate companion.  Lost in his thoughts, he hadn’t sensed Levi moving beside him, until a warm cheek rested on his thigh, and a petite hand graced his knee.  “Is this okay?”  Levi had mumbled.  Erwin had raised a shaky, uncertain hand to clasp the smaller one on his knee, threading his long fingers through Levi’s slimmer ones. “Yes Levi, this is okay”.  Levi had merely hummed in response, leaving the car in silence, other than the cadence of their swiftly syncopated breaths.

 

\- - -

 

Erwin had opened his eyes, not remembering falling asleep. His throat had felt dry, and his ears had picked up on the low sound of music playing, the volume barely filling the back of the car.   His first view was the scene out of the window, regimented fields, planted with winter vegetables, bounded by bare trees.  He’d guessed they were about an hour and a half away from home.  Without shifting to disturb Levi, who’s weight he’d felt still rested on his lap, he’d stolen a glance at the smaller man.  He was holding a crumpled piece of paper, his body curled tight on the seat, wrapped in fur.  Erwin had heard him humming lightly along with the music.  It hadn’t taken long for Erwin to realise that Levi was holding his letter.  He’d felt and uncontrollable, sharp stab of regret.  He’d closed his eyes to try and recollect the truth of the emotions that had penned those words (pain, fear, shame, regret, guilt), but they soon became interspersed with Levi’s words earlier than morning, and the prophetic lyrics of the song to which Levi had been humming to.

 

I have felt breathless. You set my body aflame, but it became too much to bear. When I had you I knew I had lost myself, and I fear by losing myself, I ultimately lost my chance with you.

_I can't remember when it was good. Moments of happiness elude. Maybe I just misunderstood. All of the love we left behind. Watching the flash backs intertwine. Memories I will never find_

 

“Can’t you allow yourself to be more than your mistakes?”

**_Forget the reckless things we've done. I think our lives have just begun_ **

 

I wish I could have offered up my heart to you. I wanted nothing more than to show you who I truly am. To shower you in my worship and affection.  I will never forgive myself. I know I am not worthy of your forgiveness.

_Promise to hold you close and pray. Watching the fantasies decay. Nothing will ever stay the same. All of the love we threw away. All of the hopes we cherished fade._

 

_**Making the same mistakes again**_

“We didn’t manage to fuck-up did we?”

**_Falling away, Falling away with you_ **

“I never said before, but I was in therapy when I wrote that letter”.  Erwin’s earnest voice had cut through the moment like a sharp knife, forcing Levi to flinch at the interruption, hastily tuck away the paper in his hoody pocket, and turn to face the penitent blonde.  “You were never supposed to receive it.  It was supposed to signify all the things I couldn’t then say to your face.  All the things, if I ever got the chance I’d try and express in spoken words”.  “How long?”  Erwin had looked at Levi with a mildly confused expression.  “How long were you … in … therapy for?”  “Two weeks residential, and a further couple of weeks in out-patients”.  Erwin had admitted matter-of-factly.  “I couldn’t reconcile …  I couldn’t live with …”  Erwin had begun to attempt to explain, only to find Levi’s hand gripping his own firmly, stilling his words in his dry mouth.  “Do you know what truly hurt me Erwin?”  Erwin had shaken his head, fearful of what Levi was planning on saying next.  “You walked away from me.  You left me.  That’s what hurt the most”.  Levi had continued after the briefest of pauses.  “I wanted you, oh god how I’d craved you.  And I know I taunted you, and that was unbearably cruel, I see that now.  I too felt the things you wrote about it your letter.  Though you seem to be able to articulate them much better than I ever could.  But you left.  You abandoned me and I couldn’t process that rejection”.  Erwin had felt unable to look at Levi in the eye, but he’d tried to speak again. “But … I forced you … I TOOK everything … from you”.  Erwin had spluttered out, his face flaming red with the remembered shame, his words tapering to the merest of whispers.  “If you’ve have stayed, maybe you’d have realised I was willing to GIVE everything.  I’d never felt that way towards …”.  Levi had paused mid-sentence, uncertain of vocalising his most deepest secret.

 

With a firm squeeze of Erwin’s clasped hand Levi had found the strength to continue, changing his tack slightly. “Anyway, your letter, I think it said everything I didn’t realise I needed to hear”.  Levi had whispered.  “But I think this weekend said much more”.  He’d quickly followed up.  “I want to see you again, when we get back to the districts.  I want to see more of you”.  “Levi, I think I … still need … some time”.  Erwin replied shakily.  “And I do too.  I’ve got to contact Keith, and try and get my job back.  Let Rod know I’ve finished this escorting gig.  Get a new apartment.  All those things will take some time and I’ll need to focus on them primarily.  Maybe after I’ve sorted out my shit, I could contact you?”  “Maybe …”  Erwin replied.  Levi had shifted to sit upright, and face Erwin, who was still struggling to hold his gaze.  He’d lifted his hands to embrace Erwin’s face, and had looked directly into his saddened, blue-eyes - “sometimes it’s not just time that heals wounds you know Erwin”.  He’d then proceeded to press his lips against Erwin’s, the chaste kiss had felt as natural as breathing.  And Erwin couldn’t help but yield to the gesture.  He’d mirrored Levi’s gentle touch, by placing his own warm palms tenderly against Levi’s face, and returning the kiss, opening his mouth just barely enough to swallow-up Levi’s subtle breaths.  Their lips had melded together for what had felt like a lifetime, though once they’d broken contact with their mouths, they’d remained cradling each other’s faces, foreheads touching, breathing hitched, heart-rates elevated – as the scenery sped-by, and the urban-sprawl of districts loomed heavily on the horizon.

****

**_\- - -_ **

**_Falling away with you, I think our lives have just begun._ **

****

\- - -


	27. the template for change (part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay in updating. Writing this fic takes so much from me personally, I am so invested in it - it's important it feels right before I send it out there for your guys.  
> Thanks for sticking with. Sorry it's a bit of a filler chapter.  
> Hopefully next chapter won't take as long to upload.

Upon their return to the district, late Sunday evening, both men had found little time to wallow in their evident solemnity.They’d eventually parted, somewhat reluctantly so, when Gunther had dropped Levi off first, at the Sina Apartment complex.The ghost of Erwin’s soft lips, and the tenderness of his embrace, both leaving their lasting mark on the departing raven.Levi had quickly showered away the grime of the return journey, and then had immediately set-to-work, methodically emptying his luggage and sorting through various piles of laundry. As usual, the repetitive activity had helped him free his mind of the difficult issues he didn’t particularly want to face that evening. After an hour or two, lost in the tedium of household chores, restful sleep had managed to come easily to Levi.Erwin too had returned to his own, rather empty apartment, ditching his overnight bags in his laundry room, in favour of indulging in a couple of ‘reflective’ glasses of scotch before heading off to bed.He hadn’t been able to help the trace of a smile adorning his lips, as he recalled the cosiness of Levi’s body against his in the back of the car, and the gentleness of his lips, as he’d sought reassurance from the blonde.The same thought had struck both men, as they had respectively peeled back the covers and slipped between cool bed sheets – how lonely the night had seemed without the other’s company, something they’d rapidly become accustomed to.The previous night they’d occupied the same bed, they’d held each other, they’d found contentment together – something they both now sorely missed.

\- - -

The harsh reality of Monday morning had come around far too soon for Erwin’s liking.He’d showered, and dressed in a sharp, navy-blue business suit for work, taking time to drink a strong, black coffee before heading out to the office.Catching up with work he’d missed due to his long weekend away hadn’t been the pressing issue for Erwin, no, it was the impending encounter with Mike, that he’d suspected may prove rather challenging. Arriving at Titan Taxis HQ, Erwin had steeled himself for the ensuing, and potentially uncomfortable conflict ahead.He known he’d have to seek answers for Mike’s deception, and Erwin and Levi’s subsequent set-up – he just hadn’t been sure he was ready to hear the full truth of the matter.

Levi had managed a slightly more sedate start to his Monday morning.He too had showered, foregoing his typical morning run, choosing rather to finish his laundry tasks from the previous night, and taking time to savour in a freshly brewed pot of black tea.He’d then arranged a meet-up with Ymir for later that day.He’d sent Ymir a text letting her know he was back from his weekend away, and saying that he wouldn’t mind a chat.He’d realised she was perhaps one of the only people he knew, that could help him process the events of the weekend, and the growing complexity of his feelings towards Erwin.She’d known nothing of their previous history together, but Levi wondered whether it was about time he began to open up, and Ymir seemed discreet and worldly-wise enough, to perhaps understand Levi, and his current predicament, better than most other people. 

\- - -

Settled in his office, the time nearing 9am, Erwin had waited patiently for Mike to finally show his face.He’d caught up on his emails, and the short stack of paperwork left on his desk.It hadn’t taken long for Mike’s curiosity to get the better of him.The tall blonde had popped his head around the door to Erwin’s office enquiring – “how’s it going Boss?”“Mike, come in, and close the door behind you”.Erwin had replied in a firm, but emotionless tone.Mike had slinked into the office, and had found himself hovering by the seat in front of Erwin’s desk.“Sit!”Erwin had instructed, Mike moving instinctively and immediately in response to Erwin’s command, taking the seat facing Erwin.“I think you’ve got some explaining to do Mike”.Erwin had said, the calmness and resoluteness of his voice belying the raw emotion he’d felt towards his friend’s seeming deceit.“Erwin … I just … I wanted …”Mike had stuttered, and struggled to find the words to explain himself.Erwin had cut him off, almost dismissively. “What Mike? Just wanted to embarrass me?Manipulate me?Interfere in my life?What?What exactly did you want?”“I wanted to give you a second chance Erwin.A chance to have something worthwhile.With Levi, maybe”.Mike had blurted out, his face unusually flushed at his caring but stark honesty, as he’d had held Erwin’s rather icy and incredulous stare. Mike’s words had resonated with the text, Erwin had all but forgotten receiving from him on Friday night, when he’d been in the throes of full-on anxiety. 

_ “I gave you the second chance you wouldn’t give yourself”. _

“Please let me explain Erwin.I want you to understand what I did was for you.You’re my best bud, and I hated seeing you so hurt and unhappy. Please understand it’s been hard on us all trying to help you come to terms with things.It killed me to see you blaming yourself, and making yourself out to be the bad guy”.Mike had barely been able to come-up-for-air, he’d been scrabbling so hard to get his words out, to defend his actions and try and give Erwin a worthy explanation.Seeing his friend so flustered and concerned, Erwin had attempted to mellow his own expression, to one of openness and concentration.“Okay Mike.I’m listening”.Erwin had spoken with a little more leniency, resting back in his chair, to allow his best friend to talk. 

Erwin had known Mike could be calculating, his strategic mind sometimes was particularly impressive – that was one of the reasons he was Erwin’s deputy manager.But as his story had unravelled, Erwin was humbled at the lengths Mike had gone to, to try and compensate for Erwin’s (and Levi’s) misfortunes.Mike had explained, in detail, how he’d employed Pixis to undertake covert observations of Levi, after the unfortunate ‘incident’.How Pixis and he had identified patterns of behaviour, which Hange, and their brilliant, if not infuriatingly interfering mind, had subsequently ‘diagnosed’ and plainly interpreted.Erwin had secretly felt touched that Mike had kept Levi’s wellbeing, and any emotional repercussions from their encounter, in the forefront of his mind, all whilst Erwin was recuperating in therapy.Mike then went on to explain how chance - mere fate - had brought about the perfect opportunity to stage a reunion, and provide possible restitution for Erwin – that being Levi’s recent employment as an escort, and the weekend business trip to Uri Reiss’s resort.The extraordinary plot had appeared almost fictional due to its complexity, but Mike had been so involved and so invested, that Erwin couldn’t help but admire the tenacity of his friend.

At the conclusion of Mike’s explanation, it was clear he had been attempting to elicit validation from Erwin for his elaborate scheming.The taller male had been keen to hear from Erwin just how the weekend had panned out.Had Mike (and Hange) acted appropriately by forcing the two men together, again?Had Erwin managed to resolve things with Levi?Had he sought Levi’s forgiveness?Where did things now stand between the two men?Erwin hadn’t felt ready to fully divulge the details of the weekend, partially because he was still attempting to reconcile the events in his own mind first.One thing had become clear during the course of their discussion, and that was that Mike had known nothing about Erwin’s letter to Levi, and how it had ended up in Levi’s possession.Erwin had then realised how that particular, rather thorny issue, would have to be taken up directly with Hange.Erwin had allowed Mike to leave, placating him somewhat, by promising to have a beer with him one night that week.He’d then dug-out his mobile from his suit jacket, and placed to call to Hange.

\- - -

Levi had arranged to meet Ymir in the same café where they’d met - him, Ymir and Krista - to plan his shopping trip, prior to his weekend away with Erwin.Looking back, that day had seemed like a lifetime ago.Upon entering the café, Levi had accepted that something between then and now had changed for him, and in him, and changed drastically.He had become a different person, more optimistic perhaps, even more unguarded – he’d quickly squashed down the notion that this change had come about because he was falling in love with Erwin Smith.That was something he hadn’t been ready to fully contemplate.Not yet.Not without much more thought, and not without the security in knowing those feelings were reciprocated.Despite feeling less guarded, and more optimistic, Levi hadn’t been ready to bare all of himself, without the reassurance he so sorely needed, from the only man who could give him that – Erwin himself.

Levi had ordered a pot of black tea, and had settled himself in a window seat, on the lookout for Ymir’s arrival.As he had waited, he’d toyed nervously with his tea-cup – clasping the rim firmly, and swilling the hot, amber liquid around in the cup.Ymir had arrived, greeted Levi with a raise of her hand, and had headed to the counter to place her drinks order.It had seemed slightly out-of-place to see Ymir without Krista, but Levi was silently grateful that she’d come alone.Ymir had breezed towards the window table, taking a seat directly across from Levi.“Hi Levi.I’m glad you got in touch.I can’t wait to hear all about your weekend”.She’d said, as she’d busily shook off her coat, and placed it on the chair beside her, along with her bag.As she’d finished her fussing, she’d looked up to catch Levi’s eye, waiting for his initial response.“The weekend was good Ymir”.Levi had said, then sighing heavily he’d followed-up.“It was better than good; it was damn near perfect in fact”.A wide knowing smile had spread across Ymir’s face, quickly reaching her bright eyes. “Spill”.Had been her only instruction, as she’d nodded to the waiter who’d placed a large, foamy coffee on the table in front of her.

“Fuck!So neither you, nor this Erwin fella knew the escort contract was in fact a set-up?”Ymir had looked at Levi incredulously having just digested the first, and perhaps most painfully difficult part of Levi’s story.The story of how Levi and Erwin had met, what had happened between them, and how they’d been pushed together last weekend at the Ice Resort.“No.I think Erwin had an inkling who had set us up, but to be honest the matter wasn’t discussed again after the first night”.Levi had blushed at the memory of how easily, in spite of the initial awkwardness of their reunion, the two men had settled into each other’s company.Ymir had picked up immediately on Levi’s rosy, glowing cheeks – and never one to stand-on-ceremony she’d asked rather audaciously - “so what did the two of you end up talking about then, for the whole weekend.If talking is what you did?”

Levi had realised he could talk fondly, and at length about his memories of the weekend, and quickly the whole tale had been divulged to the listening woman.“This Erwin guy sounds like the perfect gentleman Levi. Nothing like the bloke you spoke about earlier”.“I know Ymir.It’s been pretty challenging to reconcile the two, for me, but more so for him, I think”.“Do you think that’s why he’s reluctant to make plans to see you again?”She’d enquired, thoughtfully. “I think so.I don’t know.I hope so”.Levi had replied, throwing his hands up in the air in uncertainty.“So what are you going to do Levi?It damn clear you’re smitten with this Erwin fella, and it sounds like he really likes you too.But I suspect the guy is gonna need some serious prodding, to stir him into action”.“I was kinda hoping you might have some ideas Ymir. Because other than stalking, or hounding the guy again.I’m all outta them”.“I’ll chat to Krista about this, if you’re okay with that.I’m sure she’ll have plenty to say, and plenty of ideas.Leave it with me Levi”.Ymir had said, a devious smirk spreading across her coffee stained lips.“In the meantime, do you fancy some moral support when you go see Rod, and tell him to stick his job?”Levi had merely nodded in acceptance.“Krista and I can meet you at Utopia tonight, if you wanna do it straight away”.“That’d be great Ymir. Thanks”.

“No problem.But hey – everything else will sort itself out.It sounds like it’s meant to be between the two of you”.Ymir had reached across the table to give Levi’s resting hand a firm, friendly grip. Deciding to end their conversation on a lighter tone, Ymir had then said. “Still so fucking jealous about your weekend – a husky-sled ride and hot springs – just wait ‘til I tell Krista.She’ll be positively green with envy”.Levi had scoffed back a chuckle, but almost melted in the genuineness of Ymir’s smile.It had felt good to off-load, and share some of his emotional weight – Levi couldn’t help but feel pretty proud of his newfound openness.

\- - -

Connie had been sat manning the call desk for Titan Taxi’s, when he could hear Erwin irate voice begin to permeate through the paper-thin office walls.Fortunately, he’d only been able to hear one-side of the conversation-cum-slanging-match that had ensued between Erwin and Hange.

“I’d call it a clear breach of Doctor / Patient confidentiality Hange”.Erwin had been heard saying, his voice raising, almost as high as his blood pressure.

“And I’d call it Operation get-Erwin’s-head-out-of-his-ass.Do you know how unbearable you’ve been these last few months?”The ever irrepressible Hange clearly hadn’t been thrown by Erwin’s accusation.

“You’re not allowed to say that, you’re my Doctor.So keep your personal opinion about my situation to yourself”.Erwin had tried to lower his voice at the latter statement, having chosen his words carefully.

“I can say what the hell I want.You know it.I know it.I’ve even got a frickin certificate to prove it!”

“No you can’t.And you can’t do what the hell you want either.Do you know what sending that letter could have done?Do you?Do you have any inkling what your meddling could have done?”

“Yes, in fact I do.That’s why I did it.Someone had to give things a little shove.Mike did his part, and I dutifully did mine”.A sneer of pride had infused every one of Hange’s words.

“We all thought we were acting in your best interests Erwin”.Petra’s rather diplomatic, calmer voice had cut-off Erwin’s attempts at a snappy reply.It had become clear Hange had set the call to speaker – Erwin wondered if the whole bloody clinical staff were there, listening in.

“I think I deserve an apology”.Erwin had stated firmly, if not a little less forceful.

“Well you’re not gonna get one, so go whistle!”Hange could really be a stubborn ass when they wanted to be.

“We’re sorry Erwin, truly we are.How did Levi take it?Do we have to do some damage limitation?”Petra had enquired, maintaining a professional air to her words.

“Levi – he … erm … he understood when I explained things to him.But neither of us appreciated being played, despite how well the weekend ended”.

Erwin’s ears had then been temporarily deafened by a rousing “Yippppeeeeeee! SCORE!!” from an over-excitable Hange.

“I’m putting the phone down now.Think on what you did Hange.Think long and hard about it”.Erwin had tried to maintain his firmness as he’d spoken.

“I’ll make sure they do”.Petra had replied, her voice somewhat gentler and understanding.“Bye Erwin”.

In the background Hange had evidently still more celebratory words to impart – “I got your little man back didn’t I.Best.News.Ever.SCORE!!!!”

Erwin had ended the call, and placed his phone on his desk – moving to rub his temples at the disbelieving exchange that had just taken place between himself, and his clearly unaffected and unrepentant Doctor and oldest friend. He had wondered to himself whether it was just time to let go – of all the guilt, and all the blame.He had still been pondering that thought as he’d poured himself a scotch that evening.

 


	28. the template for change (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi quits his escorting job, and gets cornered by four familiar faces, all intrigued to hear about his weekend with Erwin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this is 1) late, and 2) shorter than normal.  
> I just wanted to make SOME progress with the fic (which still remains my favourite). More to follow soon, I promise.
> 
> In the meantime, if you haven't already, please do check out my other fics., some finished, some ongoing.
> 
> Love to you all.

Levi dressed casually for his visit to see Rod Reiss, of course his outfit managed to fit the entry requirements expected of Utopia patrons, but for this visit, Levi had known he had no-one left there to impress.Exiting the taxi, outside the club, he steeled himself to face Rod for the final time.Despite him being his employer, Rod made him feel decidedly uncomfortable.The older man was sharp, and Levi suspected, potentially ruthless – Levi just hoped leaving Rod’s employment would be a relatively straight forward affair.Historia Reiss, had greeted Levi at the door, and had ushered him upstairs directly to her father’s office.The short blast of the club’s ridiculously loud music was sufficient to pull Levi away from any last minute concerns he’d felt.

“Ah Mr Ackerman, you are returned from your weekend away, I see”.Rod had stated, smiling in his typically creepily, unsettling way, as he stood from his chair and motioned for Levi to take a seat.“I trust the job, with Mr Smith went well”.Erwin’s name had rolled off the older man’s palate, dripping with sarcasm.“It went fine.I’m just here for my wages”.Levi said resolutely, as he took a seat opposite Rod, holding the man’s stare across the vast oak table between them.“Oh of course.The fee was …?Forgive me, I’m an old man, I occasionally forget the detail”. _“Bollocks!”_ Levi had thought to himself, he was certain Rod forgot nothing.Levi’s reply, however, didn’t indicate his irritation.“It was £6000, excluding the cost of the clothing, which I have already been reimbursed for”.Levi had said, in the most professional tone he could muster.

“Mmhhh, quite a fruitful weekend for you, I’d say Mr Ackerman.May I enquire, did you manage to earn any extras whilst you were away?” Rod had risen from his chair, and had moved towards the corner wall, to a small safe, hidden behind a glass drink’s cabinet. “That, would be none of your business Mr Reiss.I will say though, your brother proved to be a wonderful host”. _“Ha! Suck on that you bastard!”_ Levi, internally complimented himself for appearing, for once, to be as sharp as his employer.“Oh you were at Uri’s new resort were you Mr Ackerman?Oh yes, of course, then your client must have been a certain Mr Erwin Smith of Titan Taxis.And here I was thinking Mr Smith was a ridiculous pseudonym”.The smug bastard, just couldn’t help the sly curl of his lips, as he’d retorted biting back to Levi, with equally, politely disguised venom.“What if it was?Doesn’t Utopia Escorts pride itself on its discretion?”Levi had suddenly felt incredibly defensive, prickling as soon as Rod had mentioned Erwin’s name.“That it does Mr Ackerman, that it does”. _Touché._

 

With his stubby, wrinkly hands, Rod had handed over 6 bundles of notes, each supposedly containing £1000.Levi had stopped himself from having to gall to count it all out right there, knowing when it was almost time to retreat.Instead, he stuffed the cash in his inside jacket pocket.He’d known just needed to fire his parting shot across Rod’s bow, and leave, hopefully as quickly as possible.Rod’s next comment had thrown Levi at little off course.“Will you have a drink with me Mr Ackerman?”“Scotch”.“Ah, a man of my tastes.I have 30 year Scottish single malt I think you’ll enjoy”.Rod decanted the deep, amber liquid into two squat, crystal tumblers, and pushed one across the table towards Levi.“Cheers!”He said raising his glass to his lips, his eyes never leaving Levi.“Sláinte!”Levi had merely said in response, maintaining eye contact with the older man whilst he’d pursed his lips to draw the thick amber liquid across his tongue.It was fiery, peaty, warm – a perfect single malt.

 

“So Mr Ackerman.I could have simply wired your payment directly to your bank.So do you want to tell me the real reason you’ve decided to pay me a visit?” _“Sly-fucker!”_ Levi had thought to himself, it was near impossible to get anything past this wily-old sod.After a second, more thoughtful mouthful of his drink, Levi had finally spoken out.“I’d like to officially end my contract of employment with you, as of today”.“Oh.Well that’s disappointing, I must say.You were just starting to get into the work.May I enquire your reasons why?”Rod had been determined to plug Levi for information, meaning Levi had to think fast on his feet, the scotch wasn’t helping him think that clearly, nor quickly enough though.“I’ve earned enough, for my needs”.Levi had thought his simple, curt reply would be sufficient to deflect any further awkward questioning from Rod.“Ah noble reasoning”.Rod himself, had taken another long sip of his scotch, eagle-eying Levi all the while.

 

“I hear from my dear Historia, that you’ve been spending an awful amount of time with our Ymir”.Rod’s face still held that smug smirk, that Levi was thinking he should punch right off his fucking face.“What if I have?She’s a friend”.Levi had found himself now on the defensive, he’d known it wasn’t the best position to be in, given his opponent.“Well, you know her story.I just hope you aren’t entertaining any delusions of falling in love with one of your clients, Mr Ackerman.A certain Mr Smith, for example”.The distain in Rod’s voice had been palpable.“Why the fuck would I do that?!”Levi had retorted through gritted teeth.“I don’t know Mr Ackerman.But I’ve always thought it better to employ escorts who know their place.Much like my club staff.Sex and pretend romance is perfectly fine, but true love, trust me, no-one is going to find that through paid companionship.Life isn’t a Hollywood movie”. By the end of his little lecture, Rod had been almost spitting out his words with pure glee. Levi had found himself automatically moving to stand, and at the abrupt action Rod never flinched in his chair.“Thank you for your advice Mr Reiss, the drink and for the job.I think I had better leave now”.Levi stalked towards the door, his fists clenched tightly at his side.“Please take advantage of the hospitality downstairs Mr Ackerman, tonight, for you, and your guests, it’s on the house.Farewell”. The thick wooden door had slammed shut on Rod’s parting words.Levi had found himself slumped against its cooling surface, astounded by the man’s audacity, regardless of the fact that the truth in Rod’s words had cut Levi to the core.

 

\- - -

 

Once recovered Levi had entered the main club, glancing around the booths on the look-out for Ymir and Krista.He had quickly spotted Krista waving manically, in her usual over-excitable way, at Levi.Levi had made a beeline for the booth, and quickly noted the couple had company.Levi immediately recognised Ymir and Krista’s companions – and after a few seconds of thought he had managed to successfully recall their names – Hange and Petra.He had merely raised an eyebrow at their unexpected presence.“Soooo. How’d it go with the Boss-man?”Ymir had enquired immediately, not even allowed Levi to take a seat before bombarding him with her question.“Fine.Got paid.And quit”.Levi had stated emphatically, not willing to share any further information about the meeting with Rod in full company.“Drinks are on him, apparently”.He had quickly followed up, his statement eliciting a piercing squeak from Hange, as they bounced to their feet and dragged an unsuspecting Krista to the bar area.Not even pausing to ask what everyone was drinking.

“You okay?” Ymir had whispered to Levi, as he’d shook off his jacket and settled in the booth.“Fine.Just wasn’t expecting a fucking lecture from the old fucker”.“Ah”.Ymir had hummed knowingly.“The opinionated bastard sometimes can’t help himself”.She’d smirked as she’d spoken.“Hello again Levi”.Petra had lifted a hand to greet Levi from across the booth, her soft voice could barely be heard over the pumping music.“Hi!”Levi had returned the greeting.A silence had descended and Levi felt like he should say something more, but he wasn’t sure what – he internally chided himself, remembering Petra, along with Hange, were both Psychiatrists, and probably always elicited such guilty responses from whomever they spoke to.“Are you well Levi?”Petra had lent over the circular table of the booth, looking Levi directly in the eye as she’d spoken.“Hmmm yes.I am now.I just quit my job”.“What escorting?Really?But you’ve not been doing it so long, have you?”Petra had seemed surprised at Levi’s admission.“Yep.No future for me in it”.Levi had said firmly, shrugging his shoulders, as it finally sunk-in, he was free from working for Rod.

“Oh, oh!Did you meet someone?”Petra had asked gently, the slight flush, at her own giddy candour visible on her cheeks. “Why would you ask that?”Some of Levi’s earlier defensiveness, triggered by Rod’s words, had threated to resurface at Petra’s inquisitiveness, albeit with innocent intentions.“Oh.Well Krista and Ymir, were just explaining to Hange and I how they met.It sounded so romantic.Maybe I hoped something like that had happened to you too”.Levi had just huffed at Petra, and clamped his mouth shut.His silence had made Ymir glare at him.“Fuck.Maybe.I don’t know!” Levi raised his hands in defeat, he’d felt irritated how quickly he’d caved into Petra’s pointed questioning, and he decided to blame Ymir for his weakness, refusing to make further eye-contact with her for the moment.He sat back, with Rod’s fucking patronising words ringing through Levi’s head – “life’s not a Hollywood movie … “.

\- - -

A slightly wobbly Hange had returned from the bar, together with a bouncing, irrepressible Krista, and a rather shell-shocked looking barman, who’d clearly been commandeered to bring the tray full of drinks that accompanied them.Hange had selected each drink carefully from the tray, still balanced on the arm of the semi-clad barman, placing each one in front of their recipient.Blessedly, Levi had thought, Hange had ordered him a double scotch.The others had been served an assortment of colourful cocktails.Once the tray was empty, Hange had bestowed a sharp slap to the retreating barman’s pert ass, then had turned to wink at their seated companions.Levi had merely rolled his eyes at the spectacle, whilst the rest had jeered and whistled loudly, at the gesture.

“You’re just in time Hange, Krista, Levi was just going to tell us exactly who made him quit his job as an escort”.Ymir had stated flatly to the rest of the group, prompting a death stare from Levi himself, and a firm shove to her slack shoulder.“Ooh, yes, yes.This mysterious client of yours, that has stolen your heart.Ymir told me.Tell us more Levi”.Krista’s enthusiasm was hard to dampen, but Levi had felt decidedly awkward with four sets of eyes staring down at him.“Fuck! You two.Ever heard of a thing called discretion?”Levi found himself trembling with the pressure of being asked to spill his heart in front of the four of them.“Hey.Whatever you have to say, it’ll stay between us.Us, four”.Krista had said, circling her delicate fingers to encompass all the onlookers around the table.“Promise”.Krista had flashed Levi with a charming smile, and her words had eliciting nods from the other three eagerly awaiting hearing Levi’s tale.

“God!You really don’t wanna hear all the fucking turgid detail do you?”Levi had asked, holding the gaze of everyone around the table, just for a second or two.“Of course”.Hange had replied, folding their hands across the table top, and leaning in further.“Ok.Ok.I had an amazing weekend with a man I think I have grown to adore.And I don’t know where I go, or even where we go, from there”.“Hey now - back-up a bit my tiny twink.I think we need to break this down a little further.Tell us more about the weekend, and the man himself.Start from the beginning”.If Hange hadn’t been sandwiched between Krista and Petra, Levi could have sworn they’d have leapt at Levi and shook him firmly, the agitation at Levi’s clipped, and unfruitful explanation was evident in both their tone and body language.Levi had taken a deep breath, preparing himself to, once again, open up to strangers and explain the complex history between himself and Erwin, and lament about the shaky future possibilities between the two of them.

\- - -


	29. The template for change (part 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi sets about salvaging his career, and finding a flat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it has been such a long time since I posted an update on this fic.  
> These 'filler' chapters are so difficult to write, and I feel I've been at stalemate for ages.  
> Sorry the story (i.e. relationship between the boys) hasn't progressed much in this chapter.  
> I promise it will in the next - and I'll be posting Chapter 30 soon, I hope.  
> Thanks for your continued support and encouragement.

\- - -

 

As Levi had undressed for bed, his mind was still reeling.The incredulousness of the evening’s unfolding revelations still utterly scandalizing his thoughts.He couldn’t quite fathom how Hange - Hange of all people – not only knew Erwin (apparently they were long-standing friends), but they had had a direct hand in his and Levi’s recent, and most unanticipated, reunion. Upon hearing how they’d been so inextricably linked to that fateful weekend, even their bold admission of sending that most private missive from Erwin, Levi had begun to question every little coincidental occurrence involving Hange (and Erwin).Meeting them and Petra at Utopia a few weeks previously, and even his earlier meeting with Ymir and Krista.Did it all converge in the biggest ploy Levi had ever fallen for? Was he really that much of a patsy?And Erwin – how much did he realise he’d totally been duped too?And by friends (and professionals at that) that the poor man had placed his faith and trust in.

It wasn’t only Hange’s grand deception Levi had found himself reeling from, also there were the suggestions, as well-meaning as they might have been, about how he should proceed with his ‘budding relationship’ with the rather unsuspecting Erwin.Which the whole group had been more than eager to comment upon.Ymir had suggested a no-holds bared fuck, just to finally address the messed-up sexual tension between the two of them – Levi had dismissed her idea straight away – he’d been there, and done that, and he now felt both of them deserved more.A chance at something real.Petra and Krista had delicately suggested something more conventional – an invitation for a meal, and perhaps meeting for casual drinks – something to put both men at relative ease – Levi hadn’t admitted then, but he’d thought their idea might have some merit.Hange had babbled-on for an inordinate amount of time about extreme-attraction and true-mates - glaring knowingly, all the time they spoke at Levi, as if he was somehow on the same wavelength, or even planet, as them.Clearly, he hadn’t been, and most of what they’d said, had gone way over his head. Apart from that repeated sense of fatedness -something that had plagued his continued meetings and interactions with Erwin.Levi hadn’t been certain, but perhaps there was a glimmer of hope, a sense, a feeling, that could spark into something that was always meant to be.

Levi had resigned himself to pushing forward with his short-term action plan, allowing space and time to settle between himself and Erwin.For a parted yearning to grow into something that would ultimately force his hand, or Erwin’s, and pull the two men, inevitably back together again.He’d decided to visit Keith the following day, and attempt to rescue his flailing career, and more importantly make amends with a dear and faithful friend.Envisaging practical steps towards a clear goal, similarly to the comfort he sought from cleaning, had helped Levi relax into a restful sleep. 

\- - -

“Levi!Come in son.I can’t tell you how good it is to see you”.Keith had risen and rounded his desk, and moved to embrace the small, raven-haired man.He’d gripped Levi’s forearms with a strong squeeze, holding the younger man’s sheepish expression with a warm, honest smile, that reached and sparkled in his brown eyes.“It’s good to see you too Keith”.Levi had whispered in reply, unable to keep his emotions from tinging his words with a slight waiver.“I’ve come to apologise …”Levi had begun to express, though he was stopped abruptly by a further tight squeeze of his forearms.“Not necessary my son.Not necessary at all.You never need to ask for my forgiveness, I will always give it to you freely”.

Feeling cherished, supported, absolved was something Levi hadn’t grown-up being accustomed to.Though, like any person, he oft-times craved it all the same.In the comfort of his compassionate mentor, Levi had found himself talking with unfamiliar honesty.Speaking of his destructive promiscuity, in the days and weeks subsequent to his break-up with Farlan.He’d shivered when he’d recalled his emotional, and painful interactions with Erwin.So much so, that Keith had guided him to sit on the couch in his office, taking his place beside him.Levi had been hesitant to use the word – Love – but Keith had sensed the forcefulness of their connection.Nodding gently when Levi spoke fondly of their weekend together in the Ice Mountains.Placing a comforting hand on Levi’s shuddering knee when he’d lamented at their parting – and the way things between them had been left hanging, unresolved.

Levi had left Keith’s company feeling considerably lighter – his burdens and transgressions released.The meeting had ended on a practical note, scheduling Levi’s immediate return to work as Keith’s Contracts Manager.Levi had sensed how Keith had a similar fatherly relationship with Erwin, as with himself – and he’d briefly wondered how much of his confession would reach the blonde’s ears.But he’d quickly realised, for once he didn’t really care – it felt liberating to finally accept and voice how he felt.And given the chance again, he’d voice all those things in Erwin’s presence.Perhaps a similar encounter with Keith would allow Erwin to happen-upon the same cathartic realisation.

\- - -

Soon correspondence came in thick-and-fast from the various estate and property-rental agencies Levi had signed up with, emails constantly spamming his in-box, and leaflets arriving daily on his doormat.The swift momentum of his required investedness gave Levi a new focus to take his thoughts away from Erwin. Levi had known flat hunting wasn’t necessarily an exact science, however he’d quickly felt overwhelmed with the diverse range of domestic options available to him.One evening, his coffee table swamped with glossy brochures, laptop discarded by his side, flashing and beeping with email notifications, Levi had decided to call his sister for some advice.

“Hey Bro!”She’d answered. “What’s up?”“Why does anything have to be up?” A rather defensive Levi had retorted. “Can’t I just ring you?”“Not usually Bro, but there’s always a chance you’ll surprise me.You were always the unpredictable one”.“Tsk!”Levi had tutted.“How’s work Mika?”“Great.I’m just about to sign up for another three months.”“Oh. I’ve got a pile of mail here I haven’t had the chance to forward yet.”“No problem.Whenever”.Mikasa had replied dismissively.The minor pauses in their conversation had already started to make the whole thing feel a little forced.

“I’ve started flat hunting. Properly this time, Mika”.Levi had admitted, blurting it out like an unavoidable statement.“Cool.But you know you are welcome to say at mine for as long as you need to.”“I know Mika, but it’s time I stopped being so dependent on others.I did that with Farlan, and look where it got me”.Levi had sighed heavily in resignation.“Have you seen anything worthy of your high standards yet?”Mikasa had asked, not willing to feed Levi’s sense of regret. “I’m not really sure what I’m looking for.I’m no expert at all this”.And there it was, the admission of Levi’s real reason for calling.It went unacknowledged by both siblings, though it had immediately lightened the tone of their conversation.“Have you made a list Levi?I’d start there.One or two bedrooms, well-equipped kitchen, clean spacious bathroom …Also keep your budget in mind”.“Thanks Mika.Perhaps I’m making too big-a-deal of this whole thing”.“It’s a big step Bro.If I know you, you just want it to be, and feel, right”.“Perhaps …”Levi had said, mumbling a goodbye, as he ended the call and reflected upon Mika’s words.

\- - -

Approximately two weeks after his conversation with Mikasa, Levi had happened upon an advert for his perfect flat, well as damn-near perfect as it could get.It was close to Maria Park, within short walking distance from work, and the pictures boasted an immaculately appointed interior.Comprising a walk-in wet-room, tiled from floor to ceiling.A large master bedroom, and a smaller second one.An open-plan living and kitchen space, with tall windows, unblemished white walls and lofty ceilings.Levi had tolerated a single viewing, with a painfully, over-enthusiastic letting agent called Hitch. The young woman’s animated patter thankfully had done nothing to dissuade Levi’s interest in the flat.And he’d accepted the terms of the letting agreement there-and-then.Circumventing the merest of possibilities that he’d chicken-out.The move date was set, a few days after the viewing, for a week’s time, and Levi fervently, set-about shopping online for furniture, and re-packing his meagre belongings.

\- - -

Levi hadn’t been entirely closed off to world, as he’d invested his time and energies in salvaging his career, as well as his dignity, and seeking out a home for himself.He’d followed the local press releases announcing and celebrating Titan Taxi’s new, and potentially lucrative contract with Uri Reiss.Lingering over the glossy publicity shots of the handsome blonde owner, as he smiled brightly for the camera.And now, as everything in Levi's action plan had suddenly fallen into place, and as fulfilled and relieved as he had felt in his achievements, Levi had known he could no longer ignore his most-deepest yearning, and his promise to Erwin.The time to make contact had come. 

\- - -


	30. the only question on his lips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite his ruse for seeing Erwin, threatening to overshadow his bravery.  
> Levi finds the courage, somehow, to ask Erwin to dinner.  
> But will he say yes?

Levi had needed a way-in, an acceptable excuse, a ruse to enable him to see Erwin again.  He didn’t have the man’s personal mobile number, and he’d felt reluctant to telephone Erwin at his place of work, it had just seemed too impersonal to essentially cold-call the guy.  So perhaps somewhat predictably, Levi had used some outstanding, though minor contract amends with the Rose Rooms as his reason for visiting Titan Taxis, and Erwin, ignoring the fact that he could have quite easily dealt with such matters via email.  He’d known he’d have to take the plunge sooner rather than later, fearful that he’d lose his nerve if he didn’t take the initiative immediately.  And that was exactly how Levi found himself entering through the doors of Titan Taxi’s HQ at the end of his working day, dressed sharply in his work attire, game-face firmly fixed in his expression, skilfully disguising a multitude of raw, and potentially overwhelming emotions.

 

Over the last few days, once resolved to his course-of-action, Levi had envisaged the impending scenario countless times in his mind.  He hadn’t been able to stop himself imagining both the best, and the worst outcomes – whether at work, or at home, his mind had worked overtime, innumerable ‘what ifs’ plaguing his waking thoughts.  There were times when the scenario had played out that Erwin was genuinely pleased to see him, and had responded favourably to Levi’s proposal.  Other times Erwin had reacted distant, somewhat cold to Levi’s unwarranted presence, and Levi had had to make a swift exit to avoid any further embarrassment.  Sometimes Levi had stuttered over his words, and Erwin had gently elicited his true intent from him.  Occasionally Levi had been confident, self-assured, his intentions made clear, and his forthrightness welcomed by the attractive blonde.  In every constructed scenario, whether the outcome was favourable, or not, Levi had all but lost himself in the depths of Erwin’s blue eyes, his body responding automatically to Erwin’s proximity, betraying any sense of outward stoicism he’d managed to muster. 

 

\- - -

 

Despite any reservations, Levi had known he’d longed to see Erwin again.  And it was that instinctual craving which had powered his steady steps across the Titan Taxi’s plaza, taking Levi directly to the reception desk.  Approaching a young, slightly-balding man who was sat at the desk, Levi had announced himself in a controlled, commanding voice.  “Levi Ackerman, from the Rose Rooms.  I’d like to see Erwin Smith about some outstanding contract paperwork, if he’s available”.  “Oh, okay”.  The young-man had replied, evidently unflustered by Levi’s unanticipated arrival.  “I’ll just check for you”.  He’d proceeded to pick-up the telephone receiver from the desk in front of him, and dial a four-digit internal extension number.  After a brief pause the young man spoke into the handset.  “Boss, a Mr Ackerman to see you at reception”. 

 

Levi watched the young man nod, and hum in response to the unheard reply on the other end of the call.  He’d shifted slightly on his feet, avoiding re-imaging the scenario where his arrival was rejected.  “Sure, no problem”.  The young man had spoken assuredly to Erwin’s instructions, and then promptly re-seated the handset.  “He’s free to see you now Mr Ackerman.  His office is the last door on the right.  I’ll buzz you through, and you can go right on ahead.  He’s expecting you”.  Levi had merely nodded in thanks, his petite, clammy hands tightly clutching a leather document portfolio, as he stalked, on somewhat unsteady legs towards the inner door.  With a buzz and a click, indicating the unlocking of the door’s release mechanism, Levi had held out his free hand to push against the door, crossing the threshold to find himself in a short, interior corridor.  He’d headed-on resolutely, proceeding towards the last door on the right as instructed.  Arriving to find the door partially ajar, Levi had paused briefly, taken a deep breath, then, with slight trepidation and a racing heart he’d pushed lightly against the wooden door to gain entry to Erwin’s office.

 

\- - -

 

Erwin had been distracted, busying himself with checking the press releases regarding his noteworthy contract success with Uri Reiss, and uploading the most advantageous snippets to the Titan Taxi website.  When Connie had called to inform him Levi Ackerman was at reception, hoping to see him, his heart had immediately begun to flutter.  He’d barely been able to contain the excitement in his voice when he’d received Connie’s call.  Erwin couldn’t deny he’d hoped to see Levi again: he’d found himself missing the enigmatic raven, perhaps more than he’d cared to admit.  His evenings had been spent reliving the most precious moments from their weekend together, recalling the feel of his touch, the softness of his lips, the cadence of his voice.  Over the past couple of weeks, he’d cradled too many whiskies to count, whilst lamenting at their parting, and contemplating his own ‘what ifs’.  The opportunity just to be in Levi’s presence again instantly filled Erwin with equal amounts of trepidation and delight.

 

Erwin had requested that Connie send Levi straight through to his office. He’d remained seated at his desk, untrusting of his body, the solidity of the furniture exploited, to help ground him.  He’d felt jittery, familiar feelings of wanton desire stirring within his core – those that unmistakably spoke of Levi.  Even the man’s name – Levi - conjured a prayer, a sacredness, a gateway to an emotional epiphany.  Erwin had tried to display his usual calm, unflustered demeanour, as he waited for Levi’s arrival, ignoring the trickle of sweat running down his back, and somehow resisting the urge to fidget with his suddenly all-too restrictive shirt-collar and tie.  Hearing the man’s light footfall outside his office door, which sat ajar, Erwin raised and steadied his gaze at the entrance.  Levi had breezed-in like a soft, summer wind, his typically pale cheeks pinkened by the warmth of the building’s interior.  The sight of him had instantaneously taken Erwin’s breath away, leaving him to grasp onto the mere a modicum of constraint he expressed with his searching gaze.  And when those shimmering silver eyes, communicating such modesty and uncertainty, met Erwin’s, he could no longer hold in his complexity of emotions.  His corresponding gaze expressed the hope he held in his heart.  Erwin felt himself rising from his chair.

 

\- - - 

 

The warmth radiating from the office had immediately flushed Levi’s cheeks.  He’d kept his head low, and as soon as he’d raised it, he’d been met instantly with enquiring blue-eyes, open, friendly, though holding some sense of surprise, and something else … something Levi couldn’t quite place.  A broad smile adorned the blonde’s lips, as he’d risen from his chair, and spoken kindly in greeting.  “Hello Levi.  This is rather unexpected.  Come in, take a seat”.  Levi had only been able to nod in thanks, his coloured cheeks burning ever-so-slightly upon hearing the soft cadence of Erwin’s voice.  He’d moved towards the chair placed opposite Erwin, with merely the business man’s work desk separating the two of them, and bent to take his seat, settling his leather portfolio in front on him on the desk.  Having taken opportunity to better compose himself in the brief silent moments that had passed, Levi eventually spoke in reply to Erwin’s welcome. “Thanks for seeing me Erwin.  Apologies for the interruption”.  His mouth had curved to form a hint of a smile as he’d softly enunciated man’s name, it feeling pleasing on his lips, then he’d raised to meet Erwin’s glistening blue stare once again.  “No problem.  What is it I can do for you?” 

 

A business-like, calm response – everything he’d come to expect from Erwin.  Pausing to glance surreptitiously over the man’s appearance, Levi had never seen Erwin looking so at home as he did right then.  His crisp white shirt rolled neatly at his elbows, form-fitting blue waistcoat emphasizing his broad, muscular chest, not a strand of that gorgeous, thick blonde hair out-of-place.  Levi’s pulse had begun to race, sweat pooled under his armpits, his own suit jacket suddenly felt weighty and uncomfortable.  He’d known his composure was rapidly dwindling, he’d feared this might happen, once faced with the object of his desire.  Somehow, shaking off any distractions, Levi had forced himself to attempt to match Erwin’s level-headedness, but his approach was weakened by the man’s intense aura.  “Ah. Well, you see, some minor amends were made to your contract with us, the Rose Rooms I mean, in my … erm … absence”.  He’d shuffled on his seat, pursing his lips and tasting salty sweat there.  He’d struggled to hold eye-contact with Erwin, wondering if the man could see straight through his flimsy ruse.  “I’d appreciate you checking them over, and signing them off…”.  He’d paused, wondering whether he should elaborate further.  Then he’d found himself speaking again.  “Just for completeness sake, of course”. 

 

“Sure.  No problem Levi.  Shall we have a look together? Now?”  As he’d agreed to the terms of Levi’s impromptu meeting, Erwin had inched his chair closer to the desk, closer to the flushing raven.  Pale hands fumbled to open the zip of the leather document wallet, and with a minor shake, crisp printed sheets were persuaded out and pushed across the table, across the short distance between them.  “You’ll see I’ve marked the relevant amends already.  All I need is your signature”.  Levi had hoped his diligence would mean the matter could be over with swiftly, leaving him to address the real reason for his visit. “I value your thoroughness Levi.  If we may, I’d like to go through them together”.  Erwin had glanced up from the printed contract documents, which were sitting untouched on his desk, and he’d thrown that irresistible smile again at Levi.  “Sure”.  Levi answered.  A moments silence had suggested Erwin anticipated Levi’s presence at his side, so the raven stood and cautiously rounded the table to stand beside him.

 

“Here, take my seat”.  Erwin had risen from his own office chair, allowing Levi to replace him.  The raven settled in the comfort of the man’s seat, nestling himself amongst the blue suit jacket which languished there.  The masculine scent of the blonde’s cologne had immediately pervaded Levi’s senses.  It had left him feeling heady, unable to focus on the simplicity of the task at hand.  Erwin’s bulk pressed innocently alongside Levi’s seated form, as he’d reached over the desk to retrieve the contract documents.  Looming over Levi, Erwin made the raven feel small, even vulnerable – and it excited him.  Erwin seemed to have such a physical presence, a dominant quality that electrified Levi – making his minute size a positive attribute, rather than a negative one.  Still dumbstruck, he allowed the blonde to take the lead.  “Shall we start at the beginning?”  Erwin had enquired, turning the crisp white paper to the first highlighted section.  Levi had merely nodded in agreement, forcing his glazed-over eyes to focus on the printed words displayed before him.

 

\- - -

 

The task hadn’t necessarily been awkward, just a little too time consuming.  Erwin’s thoroughness had continued to delay Levi’s real intent, and Levi feared he’d lose his nerve as the minutes ticked by, and they were still entrenched in the minutia of the contract.  When they’d addressed the last amendment in the document, Erwin had shuffled the papers into a neat pile, and Levi had found himself resting back into the chair, releasing a light sigh of relief.  Erwin had perched himself against the hard wooden edge of his desk, and had turned to study the raven once more.  “It’s good to see you Levi”.  He’d admitted, his voice soft.  “You’re looking well”.  “Er … yeah – thanks, I suppose”.  Erwin’s declaration had been unexpected; it had caught Levi off guard for a moment.  “I’m pleased you reconnected with Keith.  I know he’s incredibly relieved to have you back”.  Erwin’s tone had exuded such authenticity; Levi’s heart had fluttered a little at his words.  “You spoke to Keith?”  Levi had enquired in response, suspecting the answer already, and imaging Keith perhaps shared a little more with Erwin than just his relief at Levi’s return.  “Yes, yesterday, in fact”.  The blonde’s short answer had legitimately closed-down their conversation thread, leaving a moment of apprehensive silence in its wake.

 

Levi, who’d been left pondering how to reinitiate the conversation, found himself suddenly startled by Erwin rising to his feet.  “Gosh Levi, you must think me terribly rude, I haven’t even offered you a drink.  Would you like one?  A drink, I mean?  A cup of tea perhaps”.  Erwin had seemed untypically flustered.  Levi hadn’t really wanted a drink, he’d wanted to make his confession, to ask his question, and then leave.  But he’d been unexpectedly taken-aback by Erwin’s animated behaviour, and found himself readily accepting the blonde’s offer.  Erwin had immediately left the office to fulfil Levi’s request for a drink, and the raven was left silently admonishing himself for not grabbing the opportunity earlier, to say his piece, and make a swift exit.  Levi had risen from Erwin’s chair, and re-seated himself in the visitor’s chair opposite, back now to the door, so he didn’t have to make further awkward eye-contact with Erwin, upon his return. 

 

As quickly as he’d left, Erwin returned, hands occupied juggling steaming hot mugs, one of which he placed carefully on the desk in front of Levi, accepting a quiet “thanks” from the anxious raven for his troubles.  Erwin had rounded the table and sat in his own chair one more.  As he’d raised his coffee mug to his lips, Levi had blurted out.  “Do you fancy having dinner with me?”  After all, but spluttering-out his hot drink, Erwin had rescued his outward composure by placing his mug firmly on the desk.  He’d paused to consider Levi’s words with what seemed like stunned silence.  After a moment, he’d parroted Levi’s request back at him. “Dinner?”  “Yes.  Dinner?  At mine?  With me?” Levi had clarified.  “When?”  Erwin had asked, his hands gripping tightly onto his coffee mug, his blue eyes flitting from Levi’s own determinedly honest gaze, to his mug, and back again.  “One night this week?  Whenever you’re free”.  Levi had shrugged causally, trying to circumvent the pressure both men were evidently feeling.  “I’ve … I’ve missed you Erwin”.  Levi had spoken in the merest of whispers, not necessarily addressing Erwin with his heartfelt admission.  However, Erwin had heard him, and had fixed Levi with his gaze, once more, that painfully vulnerable, though piercing blue stare that seemed to see straight through him, and into his very soul. 

 

“Dinner?  With you?”  Erwin had repeated.  Levi had feared his ‘worse-case-scenario’ was now playing out before him, as the blonde had been seemingly struggling to disguise his incredulousness at Levi’s bold request.  As Erwin had begun to speak again, Levi had braced himself for an agonising rejection.  “Levi … I…”.

 

\- - -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm screaming these lyrics at Erwin - Just Say Yes - Snow Patrol 
> 
> (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGO_Ba9edlo) 
> 
> It's so simple, and you know it is, you know it is.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fanfic. Eruri rules - and will continue to be my theme.  
> Please be gentle with your comments.  
> Un'betd - do let me know what you think, and give me a gentle nudge if there are any glaring errors.


End file.
